Really Little House?

Why is it that Little House always has the episode I need, right when I need it? Now, not that I watch this everyday, but I do enjoy watching one series at a time, if I can help it. Today, I started Season 9. If you are a fan like me, you probably remember the episode- the one where the Ingalls have sold their home to start life over somewhere else where he can make a living to sustain his family. (Been there, done that and totally understand. Ok, maybe not sold a home, but moved away to start over for work, more than once.) Laura stops teaching so she can be a SAHM (Go Laura!) and Almonzo's brother and niece come to visit. In reality, they come to stay with the Wilder's because Almonzo'a brother is dying- of a heart condition. The doctors have done all they can to help him. There is nothing more they could do. Hmm.... this sounds familiar to me.

When I was really sick, I would watch movies or hear songs about mother's dying and just weep and weep. For the past year or so, I stopped watching and listening to those. I could not deal with it. Watching this episode today was the first time in a long time of viewing something with this subject matter (outside of doing research) so I was really curious to see how my emotions dealt with it. 

I am happy to say, I did not have to weep because I was worried about leaving my children. I did cry for that little girl on the show who lost her dad. Then, I cried for the children in this world who have already lost their parents to illness or are facing losing one now. I cried because I am grateful to be here. I cried because my emotions are a wreck still. I cried because some days, I am still a bit scared. What if my heart really is not fixed? What if this darkness of emotions does not go away? Why is it that I get to be here and those parents have to die?

Perhaps I have survivors guilt. Perhaps I just pushed myself too hard in my recovery process. Perhaps I am just really stressed out. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....

One thing I am sure of is that the message of Episode 2 came through loud and clear. Jenny (the niece whose father had died) was suffering from depression. (Hmm... name- check; emotions- check; need a kick in the pants- check) After she had attempted to drown herself and almost drowned a friend in the process, her loving Aunt Laura gave her a bit of a scolding and at the same time, gave me the scolding that I needed.It was something to the effect of, "Stop moping and look at all the blessings in the world God has granted you. You have a purpose in this life, so get out there and find it!"

Thank you Laura Ingalls Wilder, and thank you script writers, for telling me exactly what I need to hear. My heart has been healed. I am still here for a purpose. Now I need to stop moping and figure it out.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am grateful for kick in the pants and I really don't want chocolate this morning, because it is too early.