The Truth Shall Set You Free

It has been a quiet time for me on the computer these past few months as my laptop crashed and I do not get on the family computer for extended periods of time. It is so different from my own computer that I find myself not being as appreciative that we even have a nice computer. That gets my wheels turning, though. How often do we have something decent, lovely, useful, etc. and we do not appreciate it, because it is not what we wanted, nor what we planned on having? How often do we begrudge our life's journey because it is not the direction we planned on taking? How often do we allow ourselves to become bitter towards another, even God, because life has not worked out to our specifications? No more for me! It is the end of a year of Conquering Mountains and now onto a year of Renewed Hope.

Each year, I choose a phrase or word, instead of setting a bunch of New Years Resolutions I will never complete. As 2014 is winding down, and I look back, I see that I truly did Conquer Mountains. I look forward to 2015 with Renewed Hope- hope in my body getting stronger, hope in strengthening friendships and mending relationships, hope in being more proactive in my music, hope in other human beings also trying to do good in this world. The goals I set will be throughout the year with the theme "Renewed Hope" and that theme will be my motivation for becoming better.

Ready to run.... or walk

Back in September, I ran a 5K. I know... I did not write about it here, but lucky you, I will include pictures today. Last night, I had a long, continuous dream about my family spending time with my heart surgeon's family. In this dream, Jared (the first name of my doc) and I had a lengthy conversation about how my progress has been, and how difficult it has been on my emotions that family members do not believe in all I went through. He shared with me some insight that helped me feel peace this morning. He told me that I know what I went through, my husband and children know what I went through, he- my heart surgeon- knows what I went through, but most important, God knows what I went through. The rest does not matter, he shared. They choose to believe what they choose to believe. He said to me, "Jenny, I was inside your heart. I literally know what is in there! Your heart was damaged but God granted you a miracle and He healed it! That is what you need to share!" So, share I will!

I share this to all who care to read. I share this for those that might need a reminder that God loves you and that He is real. My heart was broken, and now it is healed. God did this for me!

When I was 20 years old and experiencing difficulties with my first pregnancy, I was diagnosed with arrhythmia. For the next 14 years, I was in and out of hospitals and doctors offices trying to find out why it was so bad I would pass out without notice, why it was so bad that I would go into A-Fib and V-Tac. What was causing this?! For two years, I was tired so I stopped going in for tests. All I was ever told was that something was wrong and they (the doctors) could not figure out what it was. Finally, with some gentle pushing, my loved ones convinced me to go in one more time to see a new doctor. My darling nurse friend went with me, explaining from a medical point of view how she had seen me pass out time and time again with no warning. She shared insight I was not even aware my body was doing! That was in early 2013.

Just finished!

In May 2013, I went through my last set of heart tests. I was lead to a heart specialist that told me she would keep digging until she found answers. (Side note: That first time I met her my heart rate was at 53 bpm and my blood pressure was about 84/42. She said I should not have been so conscious and talking. I told her it was the norm for me. Again- God did that! He kept me alive!) In June, our family moved to Utah from Idaho while I was still wearing my 30-day halter monitor. We moved because my husband and I had it confirmed to us through the Holy Ghost that I was going to die and we needed to be near family to help with the kids once I was gone.

Dr. L called me the following week with results. She had sought out a second opinion before she called me. It was... really bad and I needed heart surgery to save my life. I was diagnosed with a CHD- which means I was born with this condition. Wow! I was sent in to another specialist in Salt Lake for a third opinion, in which he agreed. "You should not even be alive," Dr. B told me. "You are at high risk for Sudden Cardiac Death. I cannot believe you have not had a massive heart attack or have dropped dead yet. You need surgery asap." Without it, I would die.

I was put on strict bed rest for the next five weeks. If my heart rate got up to 120, it would kill me. The day before my surgery was scheduled, I woke up to it racing at 110 bpm. For me, that was life-threatening. It would not have taken much more to send me into cardiac arrest.

Several days prior to surgery I started taking a micro-nutrient that actually changes DNA. I had amazing results.

On August 12, 2013 I went in for major heart surgery. That day, friends from all over the world were

My heart family

fasting for me and my doctors, many souls were praying as well. I had been given a priesthood blessing just before I went to the hospital. Hours later, when I finally went under the knife, a miracle had taken place. All of the problems that had been showing up on the tests were almost non-existent. My heart had almost completely been healed. The medical team mapped out my entire heart and was puzzled because it simply... was not there. All of the detailed, life-threatening issues were mostly... gone. I came out of surgery with a minor procedure instead of a major surgery. I was told I am going to be just fine.

Behind closed doors, my doctor and I say "miracle" but on paper, my diagnosis was actually changed. It truly is a miracle!!

I am healthy. I am starting to get my energy back, and I look forward to living out a long, full life. God did this. He granted my family a miracle. There is no other way to explain it. He worked through fasting, prayer, blessings, and proper nutrition to heal my body. This, I can never deny, for if I do, I would be denying the truth of my God. That, I can never do.

With this post comes the end of this blog. My life's journey has just begun and my heart is healthy and happy. I will spend the new year focusing on sharing my story (in depth) along with my music and doing motivational speaking. Thank you for sharing in this journey with me. It has been a thrill. You are lovely and good and oh, so LOVED by God!! May He always keep you in His ever-lasting care.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am a walking miracle. I am a survivor. Like always.... I really want some chocolate.

Celebrating Success

It was back in August, the week of my one year heart-i-versary, that my dear friend, Jodi, took a series of heart pictures to celebrate my one year mark of my miracle. I was a little bummed that I forgot my earrings and lipstick for part of the photo shoot, but the pictures came out so beautifully, that I am not at all worried about those minor things missing. I am SO grateful for the pictures I was blessed to have taken to show my progress. I am in awe of the progress my body has made this past year. I look in the mirror and am astounded at the change of coloring, the healthy hair, the eye lashes growing back.

When my heart first started spiraling out of control, I drastically put on a whopping 40 pounds in 2 months... and this was while exercising regularly! Over the years, as my heart was not functioning properly, it was very difficult to get that extra weight off, although I exercised all the time. More frustrating to me was that I had always been slender and active, until things took the sour turn for the worst. Now that my body is functioning properly, I am setting more and more goals of things I want to accomplish with my health. The most recent was to reach a mark of losing a little more than half that weight I had gained. I am happy to say that since these pictures were taken, I have lost another 9 pounds. This morning, my total loss of the 40 pounds (which I began keeping track of in January) is 23 pounds!! I am thrilled that God has blessed me to have this success. I am grateful for the friend who provided her beautiful tree for these pictures. I am thankful for my friend, who helped bring out the beauty of my grateful, healthy soul.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am a survivor.... and I just had some chocolate!

Shake Your Booty

A couple of years ago, I was lying in bed, having a terrible time with my heart. My little girl - then 5 - cuddled with me and wanted to understand what it was doing. Saying a quick prayer that I would know how to answer her without scaring her, her young brain and old soul would grasp things I could not even comprehend yet. Inspired, I walked, ran, danced, my fingers along the blanket and explained, "Sometimes my heart walks; sometimes it runs, sometimes it dances. Sometimes it tries to do all at the same time. Sometimes when it is supposed to be walking it runs, then dances, then walks. Sometimes when it is supposed to run, it walks dances, stops to shake its booty, then walks again, shakes its booty, dances, jumps, flips, shakes its booty, because my heart cannot make up its mind!" By that point we were laughing so hard, tears were coming down our cheeks. It especially lifted me spirits when Princess B got up and pretended to be my heart, acting out what my hand just did. Talk about adorable! How grateful I am that she was able to join our family before my heart prevented me from bringing her into this world.

We had a lot of fun being silly as we talked about all the things my heart was trying to do. This video would have been most helpful to teach her about heart rhythms. It is not meant to offend, but hopefully be a tool and bring a little smile to your face as these doctors use their bodies to explain a few rhythms.

Life is so serious so much of the time. Yet often, in the midst of the trials, there is so much joy to be found, if only we are open to receiving it. I hope the video brings you a little joy.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I used to have a funny heart rhythm. Now I just have funny cravings for chocolate.

Post by Ólína Björg.

5K a-coming!!

I did it!! I FINALLY registered for a 5K!! This may not be the marathon I planned on running this fall, but it sure is a big step towards that ultimate goal. Intermountain Healing Hearts is hosting this run and walk. You should come do it with me! You even get a t-shirt!! YEAH!! I cannot WAIT! Saturday, September 6th... I will be there celebrating my healthy heart. Who's with me?!

My name is Jenny McKinney. My heart is healthy and I am going to CELEBRATE... with chocolate!

To the Vampires Who Cared...

Saturday was a truly monumental day for me. I was a the homeschooling fair that (by default) I was in charge of. One of the committee members arranged to have the American Red Cross come with their bus for a blood drive. As I went to welcome the blood (aka: vampire) crew, I told the woman in charge that I really wanted to donate, but... and I let her know about the heart challenge last year. I expressed that I did not know if I would "pass" the test to donate. She encouraged me to come and see what we could figure out.

I have not been able to donate for over 5 years, because of my heart. In fact, I remember the last time I attempted to. It was at our church building in Nampa, ID. I went through the list of questions and sadly, things were bad enough with my heart that they had to excuse me from giving my blood away- blood that is a rare type and always in need. This time, though, I was determined to pass the test by sure will.

In the evening, I stood at the event microphone and announced the Red Cross needed 2-3 more volunteers to reach their goal for the day. I was going to attend, who was with me? I went back to the vampire bus. (Actually, I am pretty sure it hurt less than an actual vampire bite would.) As I sat and chatted with the gal in charge we not only had a few giggles over some of the questions, but we found out that- I PASSED!! I was able to donate blood! My heart is FINALLY well enough to give this service! Oh, I was thrilled!

After the questions were finished, I went to lie down on the bed, where the needle was (gulp) inserted (not a huge fan of needles) and the blood was taken from me, like a anteater sucking up it's favorite creatures. I was able to donate a full pint in 5 1/2 minutes- better than the average. While I was lying there, squeezing the little stress ball that helps my blood release easier, I had a nice chat with the man who was taking care of me at that point. He is a big, burly, teddy bear of a man. He wears a dark purple stethoscope and recently bought himself a dark purple, metallic Harley!! Who wouldn't when it is your favorite color? I would LOVE to see that bike!!

As the vampires no longer ask what type of blood one has, I offered the information. "O negative with an Rh negative factor," is what I told them. "They are going to LOVE you!" was the response. (From my understanding, my type of blood is the rarest, and it is also universal, so that makes me a prime donor.) We finished up my transfusion.... I mean donation... and I went on my way. Amazingly enough, I was not even dizzy. I was allergic to all the foods they offered, so I just went back to my table at the fair to eat my sun-warmed strawberries. Yum! (Not really.)

The vampires were superb. I shared with them a little of WHY I was SO emotional over donating blood. They were happy I was there, as was I.

A few of us Blood Heroes. I am on the far right.

It was easy, peasy to donate. The hardest part was answering the questions, as some of them made me giggle... a lot! If you are in the kind of health needed to donate, I suggest you do it! You get to be a Blood Hero because the blood you donate will absolutely save a life one day!  To the vampires who cared, thank you. Your caring about my healthy heart made me feel loved.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I can donate blood again... and vampires care enough to have chocolate cookies for you! Chocolate! Yum!!

Still Learning

As I think about growing up in Mesa, Arizona, I recall how I spent my summer days outside. 122 degrees or not, you could find me in the neighborhood swimming pool, climbing trees, or running barefoot through the field, even racing barefoot down the blacktop. Our family struggled financially, but we had a home to live in. We had our set of struggles for sure, but in looking back, I can remember many carefree days. We had no idea my heart would eventually be a ticking time bomb from a CHD that would lie dormant until I was an adult. I sometimes have wondered how much the strep infections I had lead the the weakening of my heart. Curiously, my heart now beats strong, with numerous days ahead- too many to count.

There are days when it is hard for me to believe that I am approaching the one year anniversary of my successful heart surgery. Where has the time gone? I am finally coming out of the struggle I've had of of not knowing which direction to take my life. Although it has taken a long time, I finally understand why God chose to spare me. I have a mission I have not yet completed. I have lives to touch, lessons to learn, others to assist. I cannot yet be as the angels when God still needs me here. The storms still rage around me, but there is peace in knowing where I am going. As long as I put my trust in God, He will guide me with His loving hand. Also, I am getting a bit excited, because I am going to be celebrating my one year heartiversary in a big way! I look forward to the new memories with a happy, healthy heart.

My own experiences are bringing me to people that have changed me life for good, people I would have not met otherwise. I have made some new friends who live just down the sidewalk from me. They have a brand new baby, just a month old. When he went in for his one week check-up, they learned he has a condition called Total Anomalous Pulmonary Venous Return (TAPVR).  He was life-flighted from the doctors office to the Primary Children's Hospital (PCH) where they have one of the best cardiac heart teams in the country, if not the world. There, he had to have emergency open heart surgery (OHS) in order to live. Last night, they had to take their baby back to the hospital last night to admit him for an infection. During that time, I had the blessing of watching their eldest, barely two years old. I was in awe of the faith the parents of these baby boys carry. They have full trust in the doctors and in God that whatever is to come is supposed to be. Some may say they are naive. I say their faith is refreshing!

Late last night, after the parents came to pick up their eldest son, I sat down to research TAPVR. I found this website which is great at helping one learn about the various defects. During my research, I learned that there are 49 Congenital Heart Defects (CHD). FORTY-NINE!!! Do you know that 1 in 100 children are born with a CHD? My defect, ARVD, is classified under Electrophysiology Defects. Although I am no longer struggling with mine, I still read up on it, so I understand it better. This information may be critical in months and years to come.

It is not until now I have publicly shared some information. Until now, I was hoping there is nothing to tell. Yet, I feel compelled to share it, for there may be another mother who is enduring the same emotional turmoil that this mother's heart is feeling. There is a 50/50 chance my children will have my genetic condition. So far, my two eldest have not shown any signs. My third, however, is showing nearly every one. Curiosity strikes my spirit strongly as my husband and I prepare for our youngest son to see the cardiologist. On August 6th, we will take him to see a leading cardiologist at PCH. From there, it will be determined what tests are necessary, if any, to learn of the functions of his heart. As a mother and a CHD survivor, I know, I know there is something not quite right. I see it when he wakes up from a deep sleep and his heart is racing at more than 130 BPM. I see it when he walks down the hall, suddenly becoming super fatigued. I see it when we are out hiking together and I check his heart rate, where it has drastically dropped to the low 60's. Something is not quite right. I was hoping it was years before we would have to face this again, if ever. The time has come much sooner than I anticipated, especially only learning a year ago that one or more of my children may dace the same future as I. I just pray for strength on his behalf that whatever we are facing, he will survive.... that we will survive.

I know it is God's will in whatever is to come. He created B-Man's heart and mind. God knew what He was doing when He wired B-Man's brain in such a way that modern doctors would tell us he has autism. This same Creator also knew what He was doing when He put this exact heart in B-Man's body. It is a perfect heart- perfect for whatever lessons B needs to learn in this life and what God needs us to learn as well. God is perfect in His knowledge, even if we are not. Peace does not evade me, but instead permeates my soul. God is with us, walking this road- no matter where it leads.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am a heart warrior, and possibly a heart mom. Instead of chocolate, I think I shall return to bed.

The Road to.... Regret??

"Regret" has a question mark next to it because I am not yet sure if that is exactly how I am feeling. Maybe it is more of a let down. When I share this with you, for those of you whom I talk to on a regular basis, please do not dish out the "I-told-you-so" comments. I already have realized my choices were not the best. Now I have to decide what to do about them.

It has been exactly seven months and three days since I was wheeled into the heart lab for my surgery. Seven months later, I am rather... surprised with how I feel. Let me give you a little back story so you will understand.

I am a thinker, a dreamer, but mostly a doer. I am one that if I see something that needs to be done, I will just jump in and do it. This is great, but sometimes can be one's downfall. One year ago, I was in the middle of my musical production that I wrote and directed. Truth: Although my health was very poor then, many days I felt better then than I do now. (Grammatical friends, please tell me I used those two homophones correctly! I really concentrated in writing them!) ;)

Here is the thing: Three months ago, when Dr. B said my heart was 100% good to go and I could now do anything I want, I really thought that meant I could do anything. He reminded me it could take a good year before my energy was restored to its full capacity. I have taken time to rest, I really have. I have more energy than I have had in years. I have been careful, especially when exercising, to listen to my heart. I have taken days off at a time from workouts and running because I could not shake the fatigue that has been hanging onto me since August 12 or the pain that I sometimes still have. I have been increasing my energy shakes and resting as needed. I have been eating a lot better (although I still eat chocolate). Since the time change, I am not sleeping as long at night, but even before that, I felt a little funky. Am I doing a lot? Well, sure! I am a wife, mother, a homeschool teacher, and music composer! I do not sit around all day watching tv, because I have laundry to switch and a closet to organize and a song to write. I cannot just stop living because I am a bit tired. So, I go until I feel like I need to stop, and usually, I do.

Here is the struggle: I really, truly thought that when I was told my heart is fine and I could just... go, I was supposed to hit 100% right then! I know it might sound silly, but my reasoning was, "My heart is fine. I have been sick for a long time and now I am better. When I tell people my heart is now fine, they will probably expect me to behave full of life and energy, not be tired still. If I tell my kids my heart ok and they see me still resting a lot or not be on my feet all the time, they are going to worry that something is still wrong. So, I just need to jump in with both feet. I need to be at 100% capacity right now, because.... my heart is fine."

Now... the part that makes me want to cry:
I. Was. Wrong.

Oh, I do not cry because I was wrong, but because I worry about letting down others. How can it be 7 months later and I feel like I need to rest more now than just after the surgery? How can it be 7 months later and I am having chest pains again, albeit not nearly as bad as before I was in the heart surgeon's hands? How can I go back and reverse the decisions I have made? Am I going to let people down? I hate being a disappointment to others. It is not in my nature. The hardest part... I do not think that I can do this marathon..... YET. I really hope this does not let down those heart families I am representing. I would never want to disappoint them.

Now, I AM going to run a marathon. I have followed the training schedule and I know that I can do it by fall as a runner, but not as a heart patient. I am not going to be ready by fall because.... here is the truth I am finally admitting to myself... I am still healing! Yes, yes, I know that many of you have been telling me that. I get it. I know you were right but so was I. I was right to try to do what I could for the stability of my family and for my sanity. Now, though, my truth is that.... it is too soon. It is just too soon. I have done my very best and I am working towards that ultimate goal, but I have to do it when my heart tells me it's ok to push myself. I will still run for those kiddos that cannot do it themselves. I am going to protect my heart and for once, put myself first, and push off the marathon date. The thought of letting anyone down makes me want to weep, but if I am to be true to myself, and honor the body God gave me, I cannot push anymore. For the first time, probably ever, I am going to slow down, because... I need to.

This decision has been SO hard to make. If I want my heart to stay healthy and strong, I know that this is what I have to do... I have to detour a bit is all. I have chosen to honor myself, and in that, honor the God that created me. This is the only body I have, so I will do all I can to help it function the way He intends for it to... well.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I will live with faith, not regret and... I really want some chocolate.

Getting My Heart Craft On

I am super, duper excited! I have been working hard to get all my crafting items organized and I am pretty much there. As soon as I can find my scissors (which I have been looking for in the endless realm of storage room boxes) I can begin sewing and crafting! The thing I am most excited about is that I will be making heart crafts to share with my heart family! We will be using them as gifts for the doctors, nurses, and all those supporting our heart families. :) Crafting and serving- two of my favorite things combined! I cannot wait to get started! For some ideas of what I will be making, check out my Love Day Pinterest page!

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am a craftaholic and... I just ate chocolate cookies. (Gluten free!)

The Significance of 132

132... and ordinary number.... usually. Not to me. Not anymore.

Back on August 11th, the day before I was scheduled for my heart surgery to get the ICD for my ARVD (there are a LOT of initials in the heart world), I awoke from a dead sleep to a rate of 110 bpm. Dr. B had told me that if my heart rate got to 120, I would go into Sudden Cardiac Death. Waking up to that heart rate was a little.... terrifying. Of course, we know how this all turned out and I am here.

Why 132? What is so significant about that number? As I have been working towards my goal of marathon training I have had to learn to walk for long periods of time, then slowly add in jogging, so not to push my heart too hard. Yes, I have been given the "all-clear" to do what I want, but one thing I was told is to listen to my body. I still do not have all my strength back, although it has been just over 6 months. "It could take a year," is what Dr. B told me. Each time I go out to run (it really is jogging but apparently that counts as running) I listen to my heart and if she tells me I can run a little further, I do. On Tuesday this week, I reached a new milestone of TWO miles! Of course I walked part of that, but I am now up to two miles! At the end of that run, my heart rate was.... can you guess?..... 132 bpm!! Guess what? I felt GREAT! I may have been out of breath, jello legged, and walking by the end, but I was ALIVE!

Little by little everyday, I am finding more strength. I still have to rest sometimes and that is OK! The important thing is I keep trying... I keep working towards my goal. I hit a new milestone on the scale today. Positive changes are happening! Great things are happening! I can do this, because God makes the impossible.... possible!

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am ALIVE and I really don't want chocolate today.... not yet. ;)

Tanner... a Heart Warrior

Meet Tanner. From his mother:
"Tanner was born February 3, 2011. A couple days after he was born, it was found that he has a Coarctation of the Aorta that needs to be repaired. We have also found out since then, that he also has a couple large holes in his heart that need to be closed."

This is only the beginning of this boy's remarkable journey to a functioning heart. Although I have just begun reading the blog about this awesome young boy, I already know his story is about to impact me for good. His parents are among the bravest. His doctors are among the most inspired. His story is one to give hope when it seems all hope is lost. Here, you can read Tanner's Story.

Keep fighting for those Heart Warriors. They are destined to change the world.

My name is Jenny McKinney. Tanner is my Hero. I just had some hot chocolate to celebrate his life. :)

Long, Hard Road to Success

I'll admit- I have been struggling. REALLY struggling. After the last outside walk I did, the cold hurt my joints so badly that I have not been back outside, except to run errands. I have exercised indoors a couple of days, but not anything more. I know I am slacking. I know I need to push myself. I just .... I don't know. Life has suddenly felt very overwhelming. I have used the excuse that I hate treadmills and working out indoors, which I do. Yet, if it is my only option, then shouldn't I do it?

A few days ago, my two youngest children and I started a gluten-free lifestyle. This was decided on by me after a lot of monitoring of our bodies, research, and prayer. For now it is right for us. countless hours are spent everyday talking to people, researching recipes, and planning out meals.  In 6 weeks, we shall see if it needs to continue at such a drastic measure. I did not realize how much I love bread products until this change. I am tempted to go full Paleo, but not just yet. All of this has added to my overwhelmed state of mind right now. Gluten-free is a difficult change- especially when you have a picky 6-year-old and an 11-year-old with severe sensory issues and the textures bother him so much. I pray this GF lifestyle will be a quick adjustment, that we can pinpoint the needs of our family quickly, and that I can get back to not being so overwhelmed in my tasks at hand. The biggest task: getting fit in order to fun a marathon.

I told you from Day 1 that there will be total honesty here, right? That is why I am sharing this with you. I am struggling, but I am going to pick up the running shoes again and make this week really count! I know I need to get out there and exercise everyday. I know these kids are depending on me. I know I am going to feel better in the end. Until I get used to a regular routine, though, it is not going to happen. It does my heart, body, and mind good when I work towards greatness. Only I can make it happen. It is going to be a long, hard road to success. I know I can do this... even if it is one step, one day at a time.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am going to make this week count and.... I am not really in the mood for chocolate.

New Year JOG!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Isn't it wonderful- to have a whole year to improve before the next one rolls around? Isn't it GREAT to have a whole new year to reach your potential? I LOVE having a new year!

Today, I did something I was not expecting to do just yet. For the first time in four years.... I jogged. I JOGGED!!! I was going up the incline and thought, "Why not? You've gotta try sometime!" So there I went- jogging! I remembered my jogging posture and went about 20 yards before I started walking again. WOW! That felt AMAZING! Because it felt so amazing, I decided to try it again! I walked about 30 yards, then started jogging again! I heard a vehicle approaching, so I looked to make sure I was not too close to its path when I heard, "You can do it! WOOO!!!" It was my HUSBAND! How cute is that?!?! I yelled at him,
     "I'm jogging! I'm jogging! I'm really doing it!" all while passing the mark I had set as my goal. As I jogged and he drove, we chatted.
     "How does it feel?" he asked with a big smile on his face.
     "It feels AMAZING!" I enthusiastically responded. Do you know what? It did feel great! I continued doing the walk/jog/walk/jog rhythm, paying close attention to how my heart area felt. I want to weep as I write this. For this first time in adulthood that I can recall, my heart did not hurt when I jogged! 

I cannot tell you how awe-inspiring it is to think that 6 months ago I was told my heart was failing and I needed a life-saving surgery and today I was jogging without any pain. God is so Good! He lead the medical team to save my life. He performed a miracle in me. How can I not continue on this path that He has placed me on? How can I not think of my little heart friends?

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am officially a jogger (runner?) and I do NOT want any chocolate, because I had too much last night! ;)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

    

Ready? Set? RACE!!

It's ON Like Donkey Kong! Haha! I love that phrase from high school! Last night I researched out and decided on the races I will be doing. Yep, races. Plural. Note: I am not racing. I am just referring to them as that. I will share the dates with you in a minute. First, I have to tell you about training today and to say thank you to my hubby who encouraged me with these words: I will support you in whatever way I can. Thanks for that, Babe. I love you!

I love my girl. She is an "almost seven" blue eyed cutie who adores her mama. (I'm so blessed!) This morning, Princess B decided she wants to do the race with me. I explained to her she may go walking with me whenever she wants, however she may not quite be ready for the race.
     "But I LOVE racing, Mom!" she exclaimed as she began jogging up the hill in her orange sweats, purple shoes, and metallic purple jacket.
     "I know you do! The race is just a bit farther than you think it is." We went ahead on our 20 minute walk up the hill, along the icy frontage road and began the descent towards our home when she started asking more questions about the race. She wanted to know how far it was. When I told her it was a LOT farther than the walk we were taking, she again told me, "That's ok. I like to race." A few minutes later, as we were nearing the bottom of the decline, she shared, "My legs are feeling a bit weird." I explained to her that it was probably because we walked farther than she is used to. I told her that she might want to wait until she was older to run in the race. After telling me she wished she was older so she could race with me, she finally admitted, "I don't think I want to run in the race. I'm tired." I then took the next few minutes to make sure she understood why I was running in the race.
     "I am not running to win, B."
     "But, Mom, if you win, you get prizes!"
     "Oh I know, but I do not need a prize. I am doing this to show Heavenly Father how grateful I am that he fixed my heart. I am also doing this because when my heart was sick, I could not have done it. Now that it is better, I can do this race. I am also doing to to show my former teacher honor and respect because she was so kind to me in my life. Mostly, I am doing this for all the Heart Hero friends that cannot run for themselves. These kids have hearts that do not work right and so I am running this race for them, since they cannot do it for themselves. Do you understand?"
     "Yes, but you get prizes if you win, Mom!"
     "Do you know what I want you to do? I want you to be at the finish line when I cross it (she gasps) with our Heart Hero friends (another gasp) and cheering me on yelling You did it, Mom! You did it!" (one more gasp)
     "I will be your we-ward, Mom!"
Sigh. I love being a mom. Yes, Princess B.... you certainly are my reward.

Races I am registering in:
May 3rd- 5K Fiesta in Sandy, UT
July 4th- Riverton Country Mile 10K in Riverton, UT

August 9th- Famous Fruit Way 1/2 Marathon in Ogden, UT
September 27th- Layton Marathon in Layton, UT

Anyone is welcome to join me! Oh and I took my measurements and weighed myself this morning. I even wrote down the info in my handy-dandy notebook. THAT is how serious I am!

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am serious about this and I really want some chocolate!

Heart Hero Marathon

I have done it. I have gone completely batty..... or at least that was eluded to in a conversation I had today. I have decided to train this upcoming year to... gulp... run... RUN.... (I do not run!).... a marathon!! Unlike so many athletes out there who are in no way crazy, what makes me a little odd is that I do not even run! I love the outdoors and I enjoy taking walks. I even have enjoyed playing sports over the years for fun, but I am in no way an "athlete" and in no way a "runner." So what made me decide to set this hard-to-achieve goal? The Heart Warrior kids, of course!!

A few months back, I joined the IHH group (Intermountain Healing Hearts). They are SO loving and accepting of heart families, even us adults with CHD we did not know about until mid 30's. I fall in love with the heart kiddos everyday as parents ask for prayers, share stories of triumphs and tell about their heart child gaining angels wings. It is a place of healing, of support, of love. Recently, Taylorsville High in Salt Lake City had a fundraiser for IHH. As a thank you to them, IHH put together this video of some of the Heart Hero Warriors in our Heart Family. I fell in love with them even more! I have been praying for guidance as to what I can do to show my love and appreciation to this marvelous group of friends. I have been asking God to guide me to know how I can take my now-healthy heart and use it to bring glory to Him. I know He wants me to teach others about these heart heroes. These thoughts joined other thoughts I have been having.

I want to DO something to celebrate my life! I want to DO something to say, "Hey! God has used His great power to do wonders through me. Pay attention to what He does with you!" I want to DO something so one day someone will say, "Remember that crazy woman who _____? That inspired me. I want to do something as well." Then, a few days ago, I can across some love notes from Cheryl Nelson, my beloved high school English teacher, who passed away in 2000 from lung cancer. She was a marathon runner and breast cancer survivor. She was also like another mother to me. She was one of the most single impacting people in my life. I miss her greatly. She is still inspiring me today.

The past few weeks, I have considered not writing on this blog anymore. After all, I need to simplify things in my life. Then I thought, "What if? What if someone out there, just one person, needs to hear more of my story? Ah, but what story do I have to tell? I have shared my heart story." So, I prayed some more. After watching that video, finding these love notes, reading an article about her passing, and praying again about what I can do to bring light and love to the Heart Warriors, I knew what I had to do. I had to commit to something- BIG- and follow through. I had to tell people- publicly- about it so I can be held accountable. And now, the commitment is made and I am going to do it- I am going to run a marathon!

Please note: I am NOT doing this to bring any form of glory to myself. I am doing this because I want to honor Cheryl Nelson who inspired me to do something great in my life. I am doing this because I want to do what those Heart Warriors- the Jace's, the Baylee's, the Christina's- may never be able to do for themselves. Mostly, I am doing this to do this to bring honor to God. He did heal me, after all. So let's do something to celebrate!

Join with me on my journey as I began getting in shape so I can start training. Today, I took my first 20 minute walk since my heart procedure this summer. That is 20 minutes more than I could walk two months ago! Yes, I know I have a LONG way to go, especially since I am not a runner, but I know with God by my side, and Heart Warriors cheering me on, I will do this!

My name is Jenny McKinney. I might just be crazy because I am going to run a marathon. Oh, and I really, really want some chocolate, but will pass for now. ;)

Joy and Green Hearts

It is a day of overwhelming emotion. I am not sure if I should share, because I might burst into a million little butterflies and rainbows, the news is so great. Here's how it all played out.

Yesterday, as some of you read on my Facebook page, I was at a loss as to what to give my heart surgeon when I saw him today. The man did save my life, after all. How do you repay that? With cookies, of course! What kind of cookies? After an hour of researching options with the ingredients I had on hand, I went with heart-shaped sugar cookies. Appropriate, right? Since our belongings are still in storage for another few days, I am mixing everything by hand.... even the frosting. How my grandmother's did this on a regular basis, I have no idea, because mixing by hand is NOT an easy task. With my rolling pin being packed in the never ending abyss of hidden kitchen items, I thought I would do something fancy with the dough. First, I rolled it out into a log, determined to fashion the dough into a heart shape, then slicing each cookie of, similar to the dough-boy recipes we see on television and in stores. When that failed- tremendously- I decided to pinch off snippets of dough, roll them into balls, then flatten them with my Dollar Tree Cutting board. It is about 5"x8" so smoosh I did! I then took a little plastic knife and trimmed the circle into a heart. Perfect. That should work... or so I thought... until they came out of the oven looking a little... biscuit-like. Ah well! Once the frosting was on it, then it would be fine, right? Um, wrong.

The frosting was also made by hand and with.... dare I say... a shortening base. Now, I am a pretty good "throw it in the bowl and see how yummy it turns out" sort of chef and I am happy to say I can make a pretty great cookie without a recipe. (I did used one for these.) I have made frosting dozens of times and know how to make it so delicious you want to just eat it on a graham cracker, or a spoon. Using shortening for a base? Not so delish. Of course, I put green food coloring in it to represent new life..... and because I was out of red. The frosting tasted ok when I sampled it. The kids did not seem to complain when they had a taste of frosted cookie. However, when I went to sample one to make sure my beautiful, two-hour long cookie making event turned out tastily, I could not believe it! The cookies tasted like.... biscuits with shortening-based frosting on them! GREEN HEARTS? What was I thinking?!?! There was the problem! I messed with the pink hearts. Should not have done that! Needless to say, I decided NOT to give my doc the cookies. If he tasted them, it would have been like I was saying, "Thanks for all you did, but...." instead of saying, "THANK YOU for saving my life!"

(Looks can be deceiving)

After I finally decided on a gift to give him (printed lyrics in a frame and a thank you note), I prepared for the appointment this morning with much prayer and a lot of deep breaths. I have been avoiding it for some time. I admit, I have been a bit afraid of what he would say. When I finally saw him after seeing the MA then PA, things were better than I could have ever imagined.

Dr. B talked about the details of going into my heart. He shared how he went in looking for specific things such as scar tissue where my heart is enlarged, as well as more trouble than the faulty circuit. Instead, what they found was only the faulty circuit! Once that problem was fixed, he of course tested my heart, and it continued to behave in a healthy manner. The ICD was not needed and today he confirmed as far as he can tell, it will never be. He told me, "Your heart is very healthy. It looks great!" He was pleasantly surprised that it is so healthy. Not only that, but I do not have to return of any check-ups, unless I feel something changing down the road, if I feel things reverting to the way they were before this procedure, which we do not expect to happen.

For the first time in 17 years, I have peace about my heart. For the first time in all of these years, I have been told that I am going to be fine, there are no more issues to be concerned with. Your heart is healthy. I never imagined hearing those words! What reason to rejoice!

I did give Dr. B the framed poem and card. I told him that I made cookies, but in order to protect him from their unpleasant nature, I did not bring them, something he laughingly appreciated. I also shared with him how there were people all around the world fasting and praying that day on my behalf and his as well. "Tell them thank you," he said. "We really appreciate the prayers and fasting." As my hubby and I left the room, I gave Dr. B a hug and thanked him again. We shared a mutual smile of relief and joy. We both know his hands were guided that day.

After years of testing, stress, endless prayers, nearly dying multiple times, and finally finding doctors to see this through to the end, today I have been declared "heart healthy." Thank you for your prayers.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I do not like green hearts, Sam-I-Am but I would really love some chocolate!

PS- Just as I finished writing this, one of my boys walked in the room and asked for a cookie. HA!

The Facebook Purge (Healing- PART III)

Facebook... ah, the word alone brings up bittersweet thoughts. On one hand, it is so great to know that we can make contact with people all over the world in an instant. On the other hand, it can be a place of damaging drama and addiction.

During an especially dark few days this past month, I wondered about the 889 "friends" I had on my social media page. How many of them had I actually had any form of contact with over the past year? Probably about half. Perhaps a third. Out of those 300-400 or so, how many of them have made an effort to seek me out? To make comments on my status updates, to email me personally? To show somehow that they cared about me? Maybe about 200. So "Why," I asked myself, "do I have that many people on my friends list?" Then, I started categorizing who they were and the reasons I kept them on there.

- Family. They are family, so I am obligated to keep them on my friend's list, right? Even though they have not been on Facebook in the five years I have been friends with them on there; even though we never, ever have had any form of personal communication in years, whether or not through the site; even though in "real life" we have rarely spoken to each other or have even met, for that matter, I am obligated to keep them on there, right?
- Church Acquaintances. We go/went to church together. Even though we have never had any contact at church, or on Facebook; even though they had greatly mistreated me and I am still working on forgiving them; even though I have only heard of their name in the church world, I am obligated to keep them on there, right?
- High School Friends. We went to school together 20+ years ago (am I really old enough to say that?) and we never talked then, so of course we should be Facebook friends now, right?
- Music Fans. Some people heard my music online or at a performance, then sent me a friend request. If they are fans, then they might need to hear the positive messages I strive to share on a regular basis. Maybe they are in the dark and that message is bringing them hope for that day, so I am obligated to keep them on there, right?
- Strangers or Friends of Friends. Yes, there were people on my friends list that I have no idea who they are. Some we lived in the same city so they sent a request. Others saw me comment on a mutual friend's page, so they sent me a request.

So there they were... a bunch of people I did not know or never had any contact with. I knew many of them would not care of I unfriended them, because we never had any contact. So, without much hesitation, I began the Spring Cleaning process. Deep down, I knew that as a public figure of sorts, I may be damaging my fan base, but in that moment, it was about survival and finding my way out of the dark. It was about ridding my life of anything extra, including nameless and faceless people that were just.... there. I began unfriending, then what began as therapeutic turned into unhealthy thoughts.

I began rationalizing the why of what I was doing. I am going to delete her because she only pretends to like me. I know she really doesn't. If she liked me, then she would have made an attempt to talk to me in the past few months. (I never stopped to consider what she might be dealing with in her own life.) Or how about, Sure, they are related, but are they really family? I mean, if they cared, they would have asked about my recovery. They would have expressed some concern about my heart during all of this testing and procedures I had done. They never asked, so they must not care. The most common thought I felt myself having as I was doing my Facebook Purge was that of If I unfriend Person A but keep Person B, then Person A will surely notice and dislike me even more than they already do. They will judge me for keeping Person B and not them. There were also thoughts such as, So what if I am in the public eye? Does that mean it is my responsibility to keep all these so-called "friends" because one of my messages I share might save them that day? Well, yes, Jenny McKinney, actually that responsibility does come with the territory.

Truth be told, even with 889 Facebook friends, and many of them being "real life" friends, I felt very alone. During that struggle of loneliness, I began rejecting people in my life because I felt they did not care. In many ways, I was walking a path of self-created darkness so I did what I knew how to do: I purged my life of what I thought was causing some the darkness..... people who did not care... or did they? When I found out my beloved friend had cancer, I shut her out. I could not deal with it. Oh, I cared alright, cared to the point of grieving so deeply that I did not make contact with her while she struggled through her horrible treatments. I prayed for her continually, and loved her from afar, but I never sent a note, never called, never let her know how much I was cheering for her. My heart ached on her behalf and I knew that if I tried to contact her, I would be a mess and have nothing to offer her. So, I prayed that angels would attend her and somehow she would feel of my love from afar. When her treatments were coming to an end and I finally contacted her, I was so sorrowful that I had not been a better friend. She instantly forgave me and lifted my spirits, because that's the kind of friend she is.

Maybe some of those friends and family who became invisible in my life were doing as I did with Kami... loving me from afar. Praying for me. Cheering me on as they read my blog, or learned of what I was dealing with. I am grateful for that. Truly. Though this process, though, I have learned that one really does recover quicker when they know they are loved.

Now, I recognize some of these thoughts as being unhealthy, but when you are in that darkness, it binds you. Once those unhealthy thoughts find their launching point, they can quickly snowball out of control. Many times, it takes hitting rock bottom before something begins to change. For me, the change began when I find out one of my children was suffering from their own deep, scarring darkness and needed me to love them through it. My behavior was not going to help. I had to change it so I could be their for them. It has taken some serious self-reflection, hours of prayer, scripture study, temple attendance, and getting into the habit (of which I am still developing) of taking a nutritional product (that I took years ago and saw excellent results, but stopped taking for the past several years) to start seeing results. I also spent a lot of time talking through things with my husband and my bishop (pastor) before I began to feel the changes taking place. I finally reached out to you and asked for prayers on my behalf. Then, as I recently shared, the darkness began to lift. All these things came together for my own good. For that, I am truly grateful.

I am doing better. Honestly. I know much of that improvement comes as a result of prayers on my behalf, for which I am humbly grateful. I know there may be days of darkness ahead, but I now know I do not walk alone. I pray that those who have been hurt by my choices will be quick to forgive. I did not set out to hurt anyone. I was just trying to survive. If you want to make contact again, please send me a friend request. My heart is healing and ready to love again.

We are all beloved children of God. He uses us to accomplish His great works. We need to be there for each other, and not be afraid to love one another through the darkness. It is only when the Light breaks through that we can be whole again.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am healing and... I think I will go have some chocolate... hot chocolate.

Family Dynamics (Healing- PART II)

Like many of you, I come from a family with all sorts of dynamics. We have those who have stayed on the straight and narrow, those who have wandered and are still lost, and those who have left the path, been to the depths of hell, and found their way back, only to bask in the joy that comes from making choices pleasing to God. One thing that I have learned these past few months while living with my folks is that our parents (the ones I was born to that raised eight children) love their children. Now, all eight children may not see it, but I know it to be true. Over the past few months, I have seen my parents cry and grieve for the children who are hurting, and express sorrow for their own choices that may have led to the struggles of their children. They have expressed joy for the positive choices made, and have rejoiced when any of their children have accomplished something good, small or grand. Parents do not feel these emotions without love. Maybe not everyone can see it, but they love the best they know how.

When my family (my, the Hubby and kids) transitioned from Idaho to Utah this summer, my parents offered for us to stay with them while we looked for a place to live. This was going to be a very temporary stay, perhaps a month. We came on a Sunday. I had just finished all the tests in Idaho- the Echo, CT Scan, Cardiac MRI, etc. The only test left was to finish wearing the monitor. The week after we got to Utah is when my doctor called me from Idaho to share with me about the heart condition. It was a few days later I found out that I needed surgery. My parents did not hesitate. "Stay with while you go through your surgery and recovery." Even though the Hubby and I knew it would be tough in that small home with 9 people, I knew it would considerably lighten the load for me as the mother. I would not have to worry about who would oversee my children being fed, getting to bed, who would play "Mom" while Mom was down. The time with my parents definitely had some difficult moments (as being with family usually will), but there was great beauty in seeing my children get to know their grandparents. There was joy each day Gramma brought home stamps for Princess B's collection Gramma got her started on. There was definitely love. Even through the moments of me being frustrated with my brother, or my dad being a bit grumpy over me "nearly burning the house down" (It was one time, Dad!) there was love. There were long talks, laughter, silliness, love. They have loved us in the best way they know how.

That love has stayed with my little family as we have settled into our new lives in our new place. Now and again, I will see Princess B (age 6) sniffle a bit. When I ask her what is wrong, with sad, teary eyes, she answers, "I miss Gramma and Grampa." I remind her that isn't it wonderful we were able to spend that time with them while Mommy got better, so now she knows them well enough to miss them? I asked her what she loves about them. "Well, Gramma does bring me treasures (stamps) and she is kind. And Grampa is pretty funny." I then let her know that it is the memories she has made with them that make her love for them so special. It is healing to my heart to see these memories and love for her grandparents take place in the walls of my home.

Healing comes in all forms. Sometimes it is through service, other times it is relishing in the memories made. Right now, for me, it is in knowing that my parents, with their failing health, love me enough to take on a family of six for 4 1/2 months, so my heart can have a chance to be made whole.

My name is Jenny McKinney. My heart is healing and for once, I really do not want any chocolate.

Part III (final part of this series) coming soon!

Thy Years Shall Not Be Numbered Less

Today was a tender day. Ironically enough, I attended a funeral in which I came away understanding that my days that were once numbered no longer are to be numbered less.

I am reminded of the story of Lazarus in the New Testament.  Although He already knew beforehand that Lazarus had died, and even though He knew Lazarus would soon arise, when Jesus got to His friend's side, "Jesus wept..... Behold how He loved him!" (John 11: 35-36) 

Oh, how I loved my friend! Oh, how I love his wife and children! I know that one day, we will all see him again, yet in that moment, we did weep, still weep for the loss of him. Because we love him.

While holding the hand of Steve's darling mother, and as we cried together, we quietly talked of how the Lord must really need great missionaries at this time on the other side. We discussed how Steve is one of the greatest. Then, in a moment of deep grief, I broke down and shared with her about my heart and how I have moments of survivor's guilt that he left and I am still here. (Isn't it interesting how those of us that go to comfort the family members are usually the ones uplifted? I saw that many times today.) Sister McKane shared with me something she remembered from the scriptures. She talked about how those of us that are still here are not yet done with our mortal missions and that is why we are left behind. I have found three references that I think she was referring to.

In Doctrine and Covenants 122:9 it says: "Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less." Then in D&C 121:25 it says: "For there is a time appointed for every man, according as his works shall be." The last is in Job 7:1 "Is there not an appointed time to man upon earth?"

For those of us left behind, it is not our time to go! We still have work to do! Finding out that purpose and fulfilling it is part of our mortal journey. For Steve, it was to guide these young men to believe in something better than they ever imagine. It was about helping them reach their potential, even their Divine potential.

During that hour of grieving, I learned something about my heart. I realized that one of the reasons that I have been more sensitive, and feeling everything deeper than before, is because my heart works now! I do not have to struggle with my emotions, I can just feel them! I can laugh, cry, mourn, rejoice and live without the endless worry of my heart missing beats, adding extra beats, or my heart just... stopping. As much as I loved others before this journey to healing began, I can love that much more! When I need to weep for my Lazarus friends, it is a blessing! When I feel the need to giggle with my older brother because of the remarkable changes he has made in his life, I can! And when I desire to run, dance, sleep, dream, or just relax, I can just... be, and I will rejoice and be glad in it!

One of my oldest and dearest friends wrote on my Facebook wall: "You are no longer the girl with the mysterious heart issue. Your identity was wrapped up in that label for so long that you are now struggling with moving forward without that label that you hated but at the same time became a part of you. You will find yourself again. There is beauty all around you. You were afraid of experiencing true joy because you were afraid of losing it. Feel joy. See the beauty now with hope, not fear. I love you."

I am ready to embrace that beauty! I am ready to love! For the first time in the lives of my children and my 17 years of marriage, I am ready to use this heart as the Lord would have me do. Because I do have today, I am finally ready, and able, to live!

My name is Jenny McKinney and I am ready to LIVE! (PS- I already had my chocolate!)

Two Months of Healing with Love

It is hard to believe that two months ago today I was being pumped full of adrenaline to see if my heart would go into cardiac arrest after my procedure. Two months ago today I was supposed to get an ICD implant, but did not. Two months ago today the doctor told me I would be fine and I would never have to get one. Two months ago today, because of the prayers and fasting of so many of you, my heart is repaired and I am on my way to living a full life, instead of a preparing for a life that was going to be very shortened. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and humbled by the miracle I was granted two months ago today.

In the past little week or two, I have had a bit of nervousness as I began having some dizzy spells again. Although I have not yet asked my doctor about it, I know it is because, according to others, I have been doing what I do best- OVERdoing it! Yes, I have been lovingly reprimanded by loved ones. I know! I am healing! I need to rest! However.....

Tell me, though, dear readers, if I rest all the time, who is going to mother my four children? Who is going to homeschool the younger ones? Who is going to do all the SAHM tasks that need doing if I do not do it? All of you mothers know that moms cannot stay down even when she wants to. I am a mom and I have been taking my responsibilities seriously. I have children and a husband that do their part and even some of my part, but still... I am a mother and there are just some things that only a mother can do. Like kiss the boo-boo's all better. Like spontaneously bake cookies for the kid who needs some serious cheering up. Like putting away that last but of laundry that only mother sees did not make it into the drawers. Like wipe the jelly off the table because no one else feels the stickiness when they put their arms on the table. Like taking them on a field trip to Temple Square for school.

Tell me, who else is going to wake up at 6 am to write the song about a friend who has just died because the music woke you up? Who else is going to email the friend to see how they are doing with a trial only you know about? Who else is going to sit in the ER for three hours with their son for a finger that has been sliced open? Who else is going to help him change the bandages on his finger everyday so it does not get infected? Who else is going to brush the hair of a little girl that only allows Mommy to do it because Mommy can work through the tangles without the pain? Who else is going to reach through the walled up emotions of the autistic child when only Mommy is allowed to hold his hand when he is hurting? Who else is going to do these things?

It may seem to some that I am overdoing it. Perhaps I am. What I see, though, is that I am doing exactly what the Lord has allowed me to do- live my life. I do not seek out these things to do. It just comes with the territory. I am resting as much as I can. Truly, I am healing the best I know how, surrounded by love and goodness. That is all I can do- live with love.


My name is Jenny McKinney. I am two months into my healing process and I seriously want some chocolate.

Really Little House?

Why is it that Little House always has the episode I need, right when I need it? Now, not that I watch this everyday, but I do enjoy watching one series at a time, if I can help it. Today, I started Season 9. If you are a fan like me, you probably remember the episode- the one where the Ingalls have sold their home to start life over somewhere else where he can make a living to sustain his family. (Been there, done that and totally understand. Ok, maybe not sold a home, but moved away to start over for work, more than once.) Laura stops teaching so she can be a SAHM (Go Laura!) and Almonzo's brother and niece come to visit. In reality, they come to stay with the Wilder's because Almonzo'a brother is dying- of a heart condition. The doctors have done all they can to help him. There is nothing more they could do. Hmm.... this sounds familiar to me.

When I was really sick, I would watch movies or hear songs about mother's dying and just weep and weep. For the past year or so, I stopped watching and listening to those. I could not deal with it. Watching this episode today was the first time in a long time of viewing something with this subject matter (outside of doing research) so I was really curious to see how my emotions dealt with it. 

I am happy to say, I did not have to weep because I was worried about leaving my children. I did cry for that little girl on the show who lost her dad. Then, I cried for the children in this world who have already lost their parents to illness or are facing losing one now. I cried because I am grateful to be here. I cried because my emotions are a wreck still. I cried because some days, I am still a bit scared. What if my heart really is not fixed? What if this darkness of emotions does not go away? Why is it that I get to be here and those parents have to die?

Perhaps I have survivors guilt. Perhaps I just pushed myself too hard in my recovery process. Perhaps I am just really stressed out. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....

One thing I am sure of is that the message of Episode 2 came through loud and clear. Jenny (the niece whose father had died) was suffering from depression. (Hmm... name- check; emotions- check; need a kick in the pants- check) After she had attempted to drown herself and almost drowned a friend in the process, her loving Aunt Laura gave her a bit of a scolding and at the same time, gave me the scolding that I needed.It was something to the effect of, "Stop moping and look at all the blessings in the world God has granted you. You have a purpose in this life, so get out there and find it!"

Thank you Laura Ingalls Wilder, and thank you script writers, for telling me exactly what I need to hear. My heart has been healed. I am still here for a purpose. Now I need to stop moping and figure it out.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am grateful for kick in the pants and I really don't want chocolate this morning, because it is too early.