Really Little House?

Why is it that Little House always has the episode I need, right when I need it? Now, not that I watch this everyday, but I do enjoy watching one series at a time, if I can help it. Today, I started Season 9. If you are a fan like me, you probably remember the episode- the one where the Ingalls have sold their home to start life over somewhere else where he can make a living to sustain his family. (Been there, done that and totally understand. Ok, maybe not sold a home, but moved away to start over for work, more than once.) Laura stops teaching so she can be a SAHM (Go Laura!) and Almonzo's brother and niece come to visit. In reality, they come to stay with the Wilder's because Almonzo'a brother is dying- of a heart condition. The doctors have done all they can to help him. There is nothing more they could do. Hmm.... this sounds familiar to me.

When I was really sick, I would watch movies or hear songs about mother's dying and just weep and weep. For the past year or so, I stopped watching and listening to those. I could not deal with it. Watching this episode today was the first time in a long time of viewing something with this subject matter (outside of doing research) so I was really curious to see how my emotions dealt with it. 

I am happy to say, I did not have to weep because I was worried about leaving my children. I did cry for that little girl on the show who lost her dad. Then, I cried for the children in this world who have already lost their parents to illness or are facing losing one now. I cried because I am grateful to be here. I cried because my emotions are a wreck still. I cried because some days, I am still a bit scared. What if my heart really is not fixed? What if this darkness of emotions does not go away? Why is it that I get to be here and those parents have to die?

Perhaps I have survivors guilt. Perhaps I just pushed myself too hard in my recovery process. Perhaps I am just really stressed out. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....

One thing I am sure of is that the message of Episode 2 came through loud and clear. Jenny (the niece whose father had died) was suffering from depression. (Hmm... name- check; emotions- check; need a kick in the pants- check) After she had attempted to drown herself and almost drowned a friend in the process, her loving Aunt Laura gave her a bit of a scolding and at the same time, gave me the scolding that I needed.It was something to the effect of, "Stop moping and look at all the blessings in the world God has granted you. You have a purpose in this life, so get out there and find it!"

Thank you Laura Ingalls Wilder, and thank you script writers, for telling me exactly what I need to hear. My heart has been healed. I am still here for a purpose. Now I need to stop moping and figure it out.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am grateful for kick in the pants and I really don't want chocolate this morning, because it is too early.

The Art of Being Tired

Restless night.... again.  Nap... again.  This is pretty much becoming routine in my journey to healing my heart.  That is why I have not blogged in several days.  I have many, many thoughts I want to share, but I am so tired, that they will not come together for the purpose of making sense.  It must be an art form of some kind to be this exhausted. I am grateful my family allows me to rest when I need it. I look forward to the new part of my heart I will be getting in a few weeks, if only for the sake of having a bit of energy again.  The truth is, ARVD wears you out.  My heart does not pump blood regularly, doesn't beat like it should and there is an electrical storm going on that wears me out.  The positive side to all of this is that I get to read a lot.... well, when I am not too tired to hold a book.  I recently read Paul Cardall's book (his music is AMAZING!) about his experience in awaiting a heart transplant.  He had to rest- a lot.  Although I have not talked to my friend, Dee, about her recent transplant, I imagine she had to do the same.  What do you do when you are so tired?  I am usually a go, go, go kind of person so this is a serious struggle for me.  I do a lot of thinking, reflecting, meditating, "Little House" watching, and one of these days, journaling, when holding a pen is not so tiring.

I am not complaining. Truly.  I am just being..... real.... open.... honest.  (Today, someone told me the honesty is refreshing.) I look forward to the day when I can sit at a piano for hours again, romp around with my kids again, spend a lengthy day having a bake-a-thon with my kids, then taking goodies to hand out to neighbors.  I am grateful and relieved that after 16 years, we finally have an answer and a solution in keeping me around longer.  God willing, for years to come.  For now, I will rest when I am tired.

Now, I realize that what I am dealing with does not compare to other heart stories or situations, but it is very real to me and very much serious enough that I have to stop and pay attention to what my body tells me. There are many situations.  None is more or less important than the other.  ARVD happens to be mine.

My name is Jenny McKinney.  I am tired and you have no idea how badly I really want some chocolate.



Please enjoy this video of a song written by Paul Cardall.  It suits my mood today.

Little House on my Mind

Yesterday, our family (minus the one out of town) went for a spontaneous drive up the canyon. I love living in Utah, where everything is only minutes away. Totally beauty. After we parked, we did a mini hike down to the creek side and began to eat the lunch we had made, when it started raining. It was really only a heavy sprinkle, but my hubby used to work in those Wasatch canyons and said it could turn to a downpour in a matter of seconds. So, we headed back up the mountainside to eat in the car. The food was just as good anyway and the rain..... slowed way down. My doc said I am not supposed to go hiking to where I changed major elevation and got my heart rate up. Yesterday, I may have disobeyed him. Not my brightest decision, but I reasoned it was a healthy activity with my family, so I did not need to worry. No worries, I rested in the car and was fine. In fact, I felt really good after that little outing. We even stopped alongside the road to pick a big bouquet of wildflowers. It was a great day. Even late at night, when my heart was giving me some pain, it was still a great day.

Today, I am exhausted. I am sure it was from the outing, but I would not trade it for the world, especially when I woke up this morning and there on the table is the bouquet of flowers we picked. I can think of my boys running and climbing up the side of the mountain to pick me the beautiful flowers I wanted. It does my heart some good to remember. My heart is behaving today, for the most part, but I seem to need a lot of rest these days. I used the need to rest to my advantage this morning since I wanted to finish up an episode on the Little House dvd I have from the library.  It is due tomorrow, after all.

I love Little House on the Prairie. It is one of my favorite shows of all time. Although I did not read the Laura Ingalls Wilder books until adulthood, as a kid I watched every episode of the show, I am sure, more than once. Now I am indulging my childhood memories with watching the whole series during the times that I have no strength to do anything but rest. Call me old-fashioned, but I love the sappy music, the tears that get my own falling, and the moral messages of the stories. I was more than a little disappointed, though, when I learned that "based on a true story" does not necessarily mean that Colonel Sanders actually did come to Walnut Grove with a fabulous restaurant idea of only selling a couple of chicken based menu items. Sad day for Walnut Grove. That chicken is so addictive and finger-licking good.

The episode I watched today was from Season 2 called "Remember Me." It is about a widowed mother who finds out she is dying and has to find a new home for her children before she does pass on. Now of course, all movies, books or songs with ill mothers make me cry. I am emotional, what can I say? It strikes a whole new level when you find out you really are sick, or that your major organ is not working properly. I am not saying I am going to die, but I do think a lot on where my life is going and what legacy I would leave when the Lord does call me Home. In the episode, the mother dies and at the funeral, the Reverend reads a note she wrote to her loved ones. It says, "Remember me with smiles and laughter, for that is how I'll remember you all. If you can only remember me with tears, then don't remember me at all." I think that is beautiful.

When my time does come to go Home, I want to be remembered for the way I raised my children, for the way I loved my husband, for the music I wrote that touched lives, and for my wompy chicken comments. I want to be remembered for the sock wars we would have as a family, or singing opera while we conversed while making cookies, for the humanitarian projects we got involved with. I want to be remembered for the "after 10 pm" biological drunkenness I am known for (no alcohol involved, I promise!) and for all my chocolate cravings!

I am an ordinary woman striving to live an extraordinary life of love. This is what I hope to be remembered for. What kind of legacy do you want to leave behind? One of love, smiled and laughter, I my hope.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I love Little House on the Prairie and I really want some chocolate!