Shake Your Booty

A couple of years ago, I was lying in bed, having a terrible time with my heart. My little girl - then 5 - cuddled with me and wanted to understand what it was doing. Saying a quick prayer that I would know how to answer her without scaring her, her young brain and old soul would grasp things I could not even comprehend yet. Inspired, I walked, ran, danced, my fingers along the blanket and explained, "Sometimes my heart walks; sometimes it runs, sometimes it dances. Sometimes it tries to do all at the same time. Sometimes when it is supposed to be walking it runs, then dances, then walks. Sometimes when it is supposed to run, it walks dances, stops to shake its booty, then walks again, shakes its booty, dances, jumps, flips, shakes its booty, because my heart cannot make up its mind!" By that point we were laughing so hard, tears were coming down our cheeks. It especially lifted me spirits when Princess B got up and pretended to be my heart, acting out what my hand just did. Talk about adorable! How grateful I am that she was able to join our family before my heart prevented me from bringing her into this world.

We had a lot of fun being silly as we talked about all the things my heart was trying to do. This video would have been most helpful to teach her about heart rhythms. It is not meant to offend, but hopefully be a tool and bring a little smile to your face as these doctors use their bodies to explain a few rhythms.

Life is so serious so much of the time. Yet often, in the midst of the trials, there is so much joy to be found, if only we are open to receiving it. I hope the video brings you a little joy.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I used to have a funny heart rhythm. Now I just have funny cravings for chocolate.

Post by Ólína Björg.

Things Are Different Now

I am 37 years old and my life has just begun. Many days, I feel I am infantile in my learning process, which is rightly so; this life is all about gaining wisdom and knowledge but it's length is but the blink of an eye in the eternal perspective. I like to think that my 20's were my growing up years and my 30's are my years to gain wisdom. What will my 40's hold?

Things are different now. It has only been in the past few weeks that I have begun to realize how much I have learned since my heart was restored 10 months ago. Last night, as my mother-in-law was visiting from out of state and, along with her mother, we discussed some thoughts on mothering and parenting, I could almost hear what these wonderful ladies were thinking, "Jenny finally gets it! She has finally grown up." I nearly called them out on thinking those things, but decided to just leave it alone. One thing I have noticed since my heart was declared strong and healthy is how much I see things differently now... how much more life means to me.

Things are different now. The struggle of being a healthy mom has been more difficult than I thought it would be. As I have shared here, I have walked a road of feeling lost in who I am. It was almost easy when I was dying, because I knew what I had to get done. Yet... why not do those things still? I want to help my children to their chores. I want to homeschool! I want to teach them right from wrong! Everyday, I look at my children and husband with this deep, abiding love. in awe, I wonder that if I can love them so deeply, how much greater is the love of our Savior and Father in Heaven for these souls. How can a love be greater than that of a mother? If it is the love of our Creators, then it is so.

Things are different now. I still do not have my energy restored to 100% capacity. That will still take some time. What I do have is my ability to love reaching beyond depths I never imagined. What if, when my heart was fixed, God placed in it more love than I could experience before? Perhaps in my physical healing, a spiritual healing took place, one where the Atonement was truly procured by a soul, my soul, that I did not even realize was aching.

Things are different now. All I want to do is love, serve, create. Before, I looked for reasons to be angry, to feed an unhappiness that resulted from poor self-esteem I did not even realize I struggled with. Now, I desire to keep this smile on my face all the time. Do I lose my temper? Yep! Now I am quicker to apologize and ask forgiveness. Do I make mistakes? All the time! Yet, my desire to change and be better comes from opening my heart and receiving the Grace of God rather than "just doing the right thing".

Things are different now. Now I am willing to learn from my mistakes; I am willing to feel the Love and Grace of God; I am willing to allow my heart to love in ways it would not have before. The more I love, the more I serve, the more I count my blessings, the more my heart loves, grows, functions in ways unknown to Man.

Yes, things are different now and for this, I am grateful.

My name is Jenny McKinney. Things are different. I am different .... and I already had chocolate today.

A Letter of Thanks

(Written 6/17/2014)

To my Heavenly Father-
Thank You for the beauty of my life. Today, I was able to bring little children into my home and give them so much love. In return, I received a bosom full of joy. As little children are so tender to You, I rejoice that I was able to see them through Your eyes.

Thank You for the home that we call ours, for however long we are here. It may not be a mansion, but it is our palace, as I work hard to make it as such. I am grateful for the creativity I have been blessed with to make it welcoming for all those who enter here.

Thank You for the food we have on our table. We often eat humble meals, but we have more than most in this world. How can I complain?

Thank you for the love that fills our home each day. Our children are healthy and happy. Our marriage is strong. All these things are because we have done as You ask and center our lived around Your Son, Jesus Christ, and put others first whenever possible. This has brought us joy.

Thank You for the friends that surround us. We may not go to parties each week. We may not be able to take lavish vacations with our neighbors, but we know where we can turn if a need arises. We know in whom we can put our trust.

Thank You for helping us find opportunities to serve. Whether it be at church, in our community, or in our home, our hearts grow each time we give of ourselves freely. In this, we can rejoice.

Most of all, for me, thank You for the gift of my life, in which has been spared. You did not just mend my heart, You healed it. Now, I may continue to live life to the fullest and love to my greatest capacity.

Your loving daughter,
Jenny


(Now.... where can I go find some chocolate?)

Shaky Knees, Strong Heart

Two weeks ago, I had a sudden pain in my left knee- one that would not leave, no matter what I did. Concerned that I pinched a nerve like I had in my other knee years ago, I did my best to rest it. I put a knee brace on, occasionally taking it off to ice it. After a couple of days of this interruption in my life, I finally borrowed a set of crutches. I just could not put pressure directly on it. Should I have gone to a doctor? Maybe. Did I? No. A good friend brought me over some all-natural pain patches. Those I was willing try. As you may know by now, I am not a fan of medication, so the all-natural Class 1 Medical Device patches appealed to me. They brought enough relief that I was able to be off the crutches by the next day and I thought I was good to go. (I am grateful to my family for not making goat noises while I painfully gimped around the house.)

Two days ago, I went for a walk- a little over a mile. Everything was fine. That evening, I pushed things a bit and went for a... gulp... jog. Not my brightest moment, that was for sure. I barely covered half a mile when the pain decided to come back full force. Sigh.

Yesterday, things were feeling rather fine until my dog decided to walk next to me and knock me off balance. When I tried to catch myself from falling, I stepped down hard on my left leg, causing the pain to shoot through my knee like a lightening bolt zaps an evergreen. Thankfully, my hubby caught me before I could totally fall to the ground.

As I have been feeling things out for my future goal of running a marathon, my kind husband pointed out that with my knee struggles (that I have had problems with since my childhood) perhaps I should plan on walking the marathon, instead of running it. I told him pointedly that walking it would take too long. He patiently replied that running it may be putting too much pressure on my knee and I am risking serious damage to it. I wondered how long it would take to walk a marathon.

On Sunday morning, I was studying what members of my Church call "The Lord's Law of Health" or "The Word of Wisdom." Especially since my diagnosis and since my one year "heartiversary" is approaching, I have been particularly interested in strengthening my newly functioning heart. In a sacred blessing I was once given, I was promised that if I live the Lord's Law of Health, my body would function properly and I would be able to overcome the illnesses and sickness that I would experience in this life. This makes me rejoice! With a little time and a little more recovery, I know my heart can withstand the marathon. What about my knees, though? They are rather shaky these days!

I have decided to trust in the blessings of God and move forward with this marathon goal. I am going to research out knee-strengthening exercises and focus on making them strong. Once I do that, I know I can do this! It will not be this year as I originally planned, as I am learning to slow down and proceed with caution, but I will accomplish my goal! I may have shaky knees now, but my heart is strong and like the Lord provided a way for my heart to be healed, so He shall with my knees.

My name is Jenny McKinney. My heart is strong and I really want some chocolate! (It's breakfast time. I wonder if I can find some around here.)

Living for the Future

Note: The following is a sacred experience that is precious to me, but I feel prompted to share this day. Please do not comment anything negative or mocking to my personal beliefs.

It has been quite a journey- finding my place after my heart was mended. More than I ever imagined, I have struggled in ways I was not prepared for. Yesterday brought a sweet experience to this hurting soul. In my religion, we believe in the laying on of hands, as Christ did in the Bible. It was a few months ago that my bishop (the minister of our local congregation) used this ordinance to relay a beautiful message and blessing from my Heavenly Father. I felt so much peace and knew that my life had been spared for a purpose. Yet, I still struggled. My faith was not great enough to fully accept those promises in that moment. I still battled this unseen force that seem to want me to be lost in a world of darkness. Yesterday, that changed.

I attended an ordinance session at our area temple seeking peace as my beloved aunt was preparing to pass away to the heavens, and searching for that strength that I knew I had somewhere inside. After having a beautiful experience involving my aunt's passing, I was then given a breath of renewed hope and strength for my own mortal journey. I did not realize how much the darkness had been plaguing me until I stepped into that sacred House of God and left the cares of the world behind. It was there that this message of love was shared- and finally accepted. In one moment, I felt the Spirit whisper to me, "Your life has been spared for a reason. Stop being afraid to live!"

So long had I been planning to leave this life that for all these months post-op I have been afraid to live again. No more! From this moment on, the darkness will no longer take hold of me! I will embrace life! I will seize the day! I will look for opportunities to teach others about CHD's, to share my gifts of music and service and most of all, to love my family and make memories with them as often as I can! THIS is the life I have been given to live! THIS is the time I have been given to live it!  THIS is the day the Lord has made and I will rejoice in this day and be glad of it! (See Psalm 118:24)

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am grateful my life that I shall live and... I really do not want any
chocolate this morning. (I had some last night, though!) :)

That Weird Thing Again....

Dear God: 

I have not posted on here in quite some time. There is a reason for that... my heart is healthy!

Sometimes, I feel my heart doing that "weird thing again," as I tell DH. When he asks what it's doing, I smile and say, "Beating normally." It is still so foreign to me because for years all I could feel was the skipped heart beats, the palpitations, the A-Fib moments. Now, I do not pay attention because it is beating so strong and healthy! Once in a while, in a quiet moment, I really feel that healthy beat and once again, I am in awe of a God who lead the doctors to mending my broken heart. 

In a few days, I will reach my 9-month heart healthy anniversary. Three months from now, I will be hitting my year mark. I never thought I would go a whole year where I would not worry about collapsing, being out of breath just from sitting up, having a heart attack..... dying. Truth be told, I still do worry sometimes. What if this is not as real as I think it is? What if the doctors missed something? What if I relapse? 

Then, I remember that on August 12, 2013, God granted me a miracle. A real miracle!! I had people all over the world fasting and praying for me, for my heart to be whole, and He gave me that!! What does that say about my faith if I doubt? My heart is not just mended, it is WHOLE!!! For that, I am grateful and will celebrate my life everyday! 

Everyday, I am working on taking a few moments to listen to my heartbeat, for when I hear it beating strongly, I know that God is real. 

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am strong, I am whole. No chocolate is necessary to know that!

The Road to.... Regret??

"Regret" has a question mark next to it because I am not yet sure if that is exactly how I am feeling. Maybe it is more of a let down. When I share this with you, for those of you whom I talk to on a regular basis, please do not dish out the "I-told-you-so" comments. I already have realized my choices were not the best. Now I have to decide what to do about them.

It has been exactly seven months and three days since I was wheeled into the heart lab for my surgery. Seven months later, I am rather... surprised with how I feel. Let me give you a little back story so you will understand.

I am a thinker, a dreamer, but mostly a doer. I am one that if I see something that needs to be done, I will just jump in and do it. This is great, but sometimes can be one's downfall. One year ago, I was in the middle of my musical production that I wrote and directed. Truth: Although my health was very poor then, many days I felt better then than I do now. (Grammatical friends, please tell me I used those two homophones correctly! I really concentrated in writing them!) ;)

Here is the thing: Three months ago, when Dr. B said my heart was 100% good to go and I could now do anything I want, I really thought that meant I could do anything. He reminded me it could take a good year before my energy was restored to its full capacity. I have taken time to rest, I really have. I have more energy than I have had in years. I have been careful, especially when exercising, to listen to my heart. I have taken days off at a time from workouts and running because I could not shake the fatigue that has been hanging onto me since August 12 or the pain that I sometimes still have. I have been increasing my energy shakes and resting as needed. I have been eating a lot better (although I still eat chocolate). Since the time change, I am not sleeping as long at night, but even before that, I felt a little funky. Am I doing a lot? Well, sure! I am a wife, mother, a homeschool teacher, and music composer! I do not sit around all day watching tv, because I have laundry to switch and a closet to organize and a song to write. I cannot just stop living because I am a bit tired. So, I go until I feel like I need to stop, and usually, I do.

Here is the struggle: I really, truly thought that when I was told my heart is fine and I could just... go, I was supposed to hit 100% right then! I know it might sound silly, but my reasoning was, "My heart is fine. I have been sick for a long time and now I am better. When I tell people my heart is now fine, they will probably expect me to behave full of life and energy, not be tired still. If I tell my kids my heart ok and they see me still resting a lot or not be on my feet all the time, they are going to worry that something is still wrong. So, I just need to jump in with both feet. I need to be at 100% capacity right now, because.... my heart is fine."

Now... the part that makes me want to cry:
I. Was. Wrong.

Oh, I do not cry because I was wrong, but because I worry about letting down others. How can it be 7 months later and I feel like I need to rest more now than just after the surgery? How can it be 7 months later and I am having chest pains again, albeit not nearly as bad as before I was in the heart surgeon's hands? How can I go back and reverse the decisions I have made? Am I going to let people down? I hate being a disappointment to others. It is not in my nature. The hardest part... I do not think that I can do this marathon..... YET. I really hope this does not let down those heart families I am representing. I would never want to disappoint them.

Now, I AM going to run a marathon. I have followed the training schedule and I know that I can do it by fall as a runner, but not as a heart patient. I am not going to be ready by fall because.... here is the truth I am finally admitting to myself... I am still healing! Yes, yes, I know that many of you have been telling me that. I get it. I know you were right but so was I. I was right to try to do what I could for the stability of my family and for my sanity. Now, though, my truth is that.... it is too soon. It is just too soon. I have done my very best and I am working towards that ultimate goal, but I have to do it when my heart tells me it's ok to push myself. I will still run for those kiddos that cannot do it themselves. I am going to protect my heart and for once, put myself first, and push off the marathon date. The thought of letting anyone down makes me want to weep, but if I am to be true to myself, and honor the body God gave me, I cannot push anymore. For the first time, probably ever, I am going to slow down, because... I need to.

This decision has been SO hard to make. If I want my heart to stay healthy and strong, I know that this is what I have to do... I have to detour a bit is all. I have chosen to honor myself, and in that, honor the God that created me. This is the only body I have, so I will do all I can to help it function the way He intends for it to... well.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I will live with faith, not regret and... I really want some chocolate.

Getting My Heart Craft On

I am super, duper excited! I have been working hard to get all my crafting items organized and I am pretty much there. As soon as I can find my scissors (which I have been looking for in the endless realm of storage room boxes) I can begin sewing and crafting! The thing I am most excited about is that I will be making heart crafts to share with my heart family! We will be using them as gifts for the doctors, nurses, and all those supporting our heart families. :) Crafting and serving- two of my favorite things combined! I cannot wait to get started! For some ideas of what I will be making, check out my Love Day Pinterest page!

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am a craftaholic and... I just ate chocolate cookies. (Gluten free!)

love takes hold

heavy heart
lonely soul
wanting to
take control

healthy now
at least in heart
darkness lingers
will not depart

hard to know
how to fight
one might think
this is not right

my heart is strong
for the first time
yet mind is sullen
darkness abides

fighting hard
to find my place
in a world
with tempting ways

they cannot see
the tears i cry
the loneliness
i feel inside

surround myself
with people of joy
my little girl
my grown-up boys

love takes hold
God enters in
he has made me
whole again

i play a song
my heart sings
my heart now can
do anything

-Jenny McKinney

Happy Val...uh..... Heart Hero Week!!

For many in this country, Valentine's Day is overrated. I am not saying that because I was jilted by a lover (I watched "Wives and Daughters" this week. The word "jilted" is fresh on my mind). Nor do I say that because I am struggling with being alone. In fact, I am very blessed to have an eternal companion of 17+ years. As some struggle with not getting chocolate's or flowers (because that is the only true gifts this day, right? >eye roll<) I like to look at this holiday a bit differently. Today, as we say at our house, is "Love Day"- a day to show love- in all forms... to all people. This day is especially meaningful to those in the heart community, because this is the day we really celebrate our Heart Warriors.

I realize I have not posted everyday this CHD Week like I planned. Sometimes, life gets the best of me and I get a little pouty while I struggle. It is the stories of the Heart Heroes that has pulled me through it, though. Today, I am going to share the stories of a few Heart Warriors that I know will touch your... well, heart!

Meet Emily. She was born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. This means, Emily has half a heart. How do parents of such a Heart Warrior cope with this life-changing news? Please read Emily's Story and come to understand true courage. Emily is my heart hero.

Meet Capri. She was born with Ebstein's Anomaly. I do not even know what to say about this Heart Warrior except, please have a box of tissue ready as you read her story. Start at the very beginning so you may walk in her mother's shoes, if only for a moment. She is my Heart Hero. Capri's Story

Meet Jaxton. Born with Hypoplastic Right Heart Syndrome, Double Inlet Left Ventricle, and Pulmonary Atresia. Like all Heart Warrior stories, I cannot read them without a tissue in hand. This one is no exception. I love Jaxton's smile. He is my Heart Hero.

In reading these stories, perhaps you may realize that although today was founded upon a man who was executed, then turned commercial (like every other holiday), it can be something special and dare I say.... sacred... as we celebrate loving our Heart Hero Warriors.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I love my Heart Heroes. Now, where's my box of chocolates?

The remainder of my heart scar on my neck and
me with my new hair cut.

Oh and Happy Heart Day to me... 6 months and two days since my heart miracle.

Tanner... a Heart Warrior

Meet Tanner. From his mother:
"Tanner was born February 3, 2011. A couple days after he was born, it was found that he has a Coarctation of the Aorta that needs to be repaired. We have also found out since then, that he also has a couple large holes in his heart that need to be closed."

This is only the beginning of this boy's remarkable journey to a functioning heart. Although I have just begun reading the blog about this awesome young boy, I already know his story is about to impact me for good. His parents are among the bravest. His doctors are among the most inspired. His story is one to give hope when it seems all hope is lost. Here, you can read Tanner's Story.

Keep fighting for those Heart Warriors. They are destined to change the world.

My name is Jenny McKinney. Tanner is my Hero. I just had some hot chocolate to celebrate his life. :)

Baylee... a Heart Hero Warrior

Meet Baylee. 

Baylee Ann Neil was born on 05/06/00. She was a small 4lbs. She was healthy for the most part and we took her home at 5 days old on an apnea monitor. On 06/27/00 the heart rate alarm went off on the apnea monitor. I took her to our local hospital they thought there was a problem with the monitor. They listened to her heart and said she was fine. As we were in the ER waiting to be sent home, a doctor walked by the room we were in. He walked in, not saying a word to us. He just got his stethoscope and started listening to her. The next thing I know her room was full of doctors and nurses, pumping her full of medication and begin cardio converting her. At this point I still knew nothing except my 4lb baby girl was lifeless and there was nothing I could do. She was stabilized and airlifted to Primary Children's Hospital. Later that day we were told she was diagnosed with Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome. She was started on meds to help keep her heart rate stable. We spent many weeks in the hospital at this time. We finally found a combination of medication and she was stable, so I took her home and tried to find a new normal in our life, making sure she had her meds at the right time.

This was a very hard time for me for I had a lot of unanswered questions. She had several events of SVT that she needed intervention to bring her out of it. Sometimes it was medication and sometimes cardio conversion. We were in and out of the hospital for 4 years trying to find something that would work for her. Nothing was doing what we needed. She had coded 3 times! So when Baylee was four years old, the decision was made to go ahead and do the ablation. They wanted to wait until she was much older but because nothing was working, it was time. 

The day came and she went into surgery. The surgery was long. The first several hours are just mapping the heart out. We were updated every hour or so and things were going well. At about six hours into surgery, we got the news that when they put her in SVT (Superventricular tachycardia) her heart rate went much higher then they expected! This changed her diagnosis too dangerous Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome. They were able to ablate one extra pathway but found several more. They were unable to do anything more at this time because they could not bring her out of SVT and she was going to lose her life if they could not stabilize her ASAP. After several hours she was stable and we could see her. (That was one of the scariest things in my life!) A few days later she started experiencing seizure activity and was diagnosed with epilepsy. 


She is now 13 and has had many ups and downs along the way. At this point she is doing well. She is in 7th grade and loves softball, drawing, singing, and she is passionate about making people aware of CHD. She live a fairly normal life and I am so blessed to have her in my life. I would not wish CHD on anyone but I would not change who it has made us become. We are better people for this journey we live every day.

Baylee is the oldest of 3 she has a younger sister 
that is 12 and. Brother 10. This has been a life changing experience for all of us. We can't change what God has dealt us so we choose to embrace it. I have seen things no mother should ever see, but it makes me a better person. I have raised Baylee to not be the heart kids at school just because she has a problem it does not define her. She is the most caring, loving daughter I could ever ask for she has a smile that lights up a room when she walks in. Baylee loves to hear other stories and become heart sister with them or brothers. There are several heart kids that Baylee sends cards letters pictures to all the time. I am so glad she has turned this life into something amazing she does not let anything hold her back.
(This story was written by Kelly Kinross, the Heart Hero mother of Baylee.)

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am grateful for Heart Warriors like Baylee. Let's all go have some chocolate! 

Sherri... my Heart Hero Sister

Who do you know with a CHD (Congenital Heart Defect)? As I have been getting to know families in the heart community, it amazes me how these children are able to keep going with the surgeries, pain, and procedures day after day, year after year. Just as much, the CHD parents awe me with their never-ending fight to do everything in their power to make these children well, to give them the best life they possibly can for as long as they have them. 1 in 100 children will be born with a heart defect. Most of them will go on to having at least one surgery in their lifetime.

Meet my sister, Sherri. My sister is a CHD survivor. Sometimes we hear the word "miracle" and shrug it off. Well, my sister is a miracle. In 1974, Sherri was born with a heart murmur and a hole in her heart (VSD). Medical technology was not as advanced as it is now, so the depths of severity was not known. What the doctors in Kansas City, Missouri did know was that she needed surgery to save her life. Because of the circumstances surrounding our mother's marriage, our mom had to take her two children (ages 2 1/2 and newborn) and flee, so surgery was not an option right then. They trio boarded a plane with our aunt (Mom's sister) and went home to Mom's parents in Arizona. There, the follow up would take place.

The miracle came when our beloved Grandpa Berry laid his worthy hands upon her head. He administered a Priesthood Blessing- the same kind of healing blessing Christ gave when He was on the earth. It was through this blessing that her heart was healed. Our Grandma Berry used to say Sherri's heart sounded like a washing machine but that would not last forever. Sherri was taken to Phoenix Children's Hospital where she spent the next few years undergoing tests and follow-up care. Even this morning as we talked on the phone, she recalls sitting in the hospital room, being hooked up to wires. She remembers the blinds being in an open position so she could see outside of the hospital. She was worried someone would walk by and see her that way, and it made her a bit nervous that she was not covered up.

Sherri never did have to have heart surgery. After the blessing the hole closed and as far as she knows, the murmur went away. Although she has faced other health challenges in her life, her heart is whole again. She is a walking miracle, granted by God.

I am grateful my sister is here. I am so grateful that we both had our miracles and both of our hearts work well now. I am in awe of the miracles of God that have been granted to our family. CHD is real. Please take time and make yourself aware.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am the sister of a Heart Warrior. This morning I really do not care for chocolate.

Long, Hard Road to Success

I'll admit- I have been struggling. REALLY struggling. After the last outside walk I did, the cold hurt my joints so badly that I have not been back outside, except to run errands. I have exercised indoors a couple of days, but not anything more. I know I am slacking. I know I need to push myself. I just .... I don't know. Life has suddenly felt very overwhelming. I have used the excuse that I hate treadmills and working out indoors, which I do. Yet, if it is my only option, then shouldn't I do it?

A few days ago, my two youngest children and I started a gluten-free lifestyle. This was decided on by me after a lot of monitoring of our bodies, research, and prayer. For now it is right for us. countless hours are spent everyday talking to people, researching recipes, and planning out meals.  In 6 weeks, we shall see if it needs to continue at such a drastic measure. I did not realize how much I love bread products until this change. I am tempted to go full Paleo, but not just yet. All of this has added to my overwhelmed state of mind right now. Gluten-free is a difficult change- especially when you have a picky 6-year-old and an 11-year-old with severe sensory issues and the textures bother him so much. I pray this GF lifestyle will be a quick adjustment, that we can pinpoint the needs of our family quickly, and that I can get back to not being so overwhelmed in my tasks at hand. The biggest task: getting fit in order to fun a marathon.

I told you from Day 1 that there will be total honesty here, right? That is why I am sharing this with you. I am struggling, but I am going to pick up the running shoes again and make this week really count! I know I need to get out there and exercise everyday. I know these kids are depending on me. I know I am going to feel better in the end. Until I get used to a regular routine, though, it is not going to happen. It does my heart, body, and mind good when I work towards greatness. Only I can make it happen. It is going to be a long, hard road to success. I know I can do this... even if it is one step, one day at a time.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am going to make this week count and.... I am not really in the mood for chocolate.

New Year JOG!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Isn't it wonderful- to have a whole year to improve before the next one rolls around? Isn't it GREAT to have a whole new year to reach your potential? I LOVE having a new year!

Today, I did something I was not expecting to do just yet. For the first time in four years.... I jogged. I JOGGED!!! I was going up the incline and thought, "Why not? You've gotta try sometime!" So there I went- jogging! I remembered my jogging posture and went about 20 yards before I started walking again. WOW! That felt AMAZING! Because it felt so amazing, I decided to try it again! I walked about 30 yards, then started jogging again! I heard a vehicle approaching, so I looked to make sure I was not too close to its path when I heard, "You can do it! WOOO!!!" It was my HUSBAND! How cute is that?!?! I yelled at him,
     "I'm jogging! I'm jogging! I'm really doing it!" all while passing the mark I had set as my goal. As I jogged and he drove, we chatted.
     "How does it feel?" he asked with a big smile on his face.
     "It feels AMAZING!" I enthusiastically responded. Do you know what? It did feel great! I continued doing the walk/jog/walk/jog rhythm, paying close attention to how my heart area felt. I want to weep as I write this. For this first time in adulthood that I can recall, my heart did not hurt when I jogged! 

I cannot tell you how awe-inspiring it is to think that 6 months ago I was told my heart was failing and I needed a life-saving surgery and today I was jogging without any pain. God is so Good! He lead the medical team to save my life. He performed a miracle in me. How can I not continue on this path that He has placed me on? How can I not think of my little heart friends?

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am officially a jogger (runner?) and I do NOT want any chocolate, because I had too much last night! ;)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

    

Ready? Set? RACE!!

It's ON Like Donkey Kong! Haha! I love that phrase from high school! Last night I researched out and decided on the races I will be doing. Yep, races. Plural. Note: I am not racing. I am just referring to them as that. I will share the dates with you in a minute. First, I have to tell you about training today and to say thank you to my hubby who encouraged me with these words: I will support you in whatever way I can. Thanks for that, Babe. I love you!

I love my girl. She is an "almost seven" blue eyed cutie who adores her mama. (I'm so blessed!) This morning, Princess B decided she wants to do the race with me. I explained to her she may go walking with me whenever she wants, however she may not quite be ready for the race.
     "But I LOVE racing, Mom!" she exclaimed as she began jogging up the hill in her orange sweats, purple shoes, and metallic purple jacket.
     "I know you do! The race is just a bit farther than you think it is." We went ahead on our 20 minute walk up the hill, along the icy frontage road and began the descent towards our home when she started asking more questions about the race. She wanted to know how far it was. When I told her it was a LOT farther than the walk we were taking, she again told me, "That's ok. I like to race." A few minutes later, as we were nearing the bottom of the decline, she shared, "My legs are feeling a bit weird." I explained to her that it was probably because we walked farther than she is used to. I told her that she might want to wait until she was older to run in the race. After telling me she wished she was older so she could race with me, she finally admitted, "I don't think I want to run in the race. I'm tired." I then took the next few minutes to make sure she understood why I was running in the race.
     "I am not running to win, B."
     "But, Mom, if you win, you get prizes!"
     "Oh I know, but I do not need a prize. I am doing this to show Heavenly Father how grateful I am that he fixed my heart. I am also doing this because when my heart was sick, I could not have done it. Now that it is better, I can do this race. I am also doing to to show my former teacher honor and respect because she was so kind to me in my life. Mostly, I am doing this for all the Heart Hero friends that cannot run for themselves. These kids have hearts that do not work right and so I am running this race for them, since they cannot do it for themselves. Do you understand?"
     "Yes, but you get prizes if you win, Mom!"
     "Do you know what I want you to do? I want you to be at the finish line when I cross it (she gasps) with our Heart Hero friends (another gasp) and cheering me on yelling You did it, Mom! You did it!" (one more gasp)
     "I will be your we-ward, Mom!"
Sigh. I love being a mom. Yes, Princess B.... you certainly are my reward.

Races I am registering in:
May 3rd- 5K Fiesta in Sandy, UT
July 4th- Riverton Country Mile 10K in Riverton, UT

August 9th- Famous Fruit Way 1/2 Marathon in Ogden, UT
September 27th- Layton Marathon in Layton, UT

Anyone is welcome to join me! Oh and I took my measurements and weighed myself this morning. I even wrote down the info in my handy-dandy notebook. THAT is how serious I am!

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am serious about this and I really want some chocolate!

WHAT am I DOING?!?!

This evening, as I was preparing a high protein snack to eat before my 2nd walk of the day (In fact, my 2nd walk in this journey) I thought to myself, "WHAT am I DOING?!?! I can't run a marathon! I am only prepping for my second WALK, not RUN and I am feeling tired already. TWENTY-SIX point TWO MILES?!?! Am I KIDDING myself?!?!" Then, I felt the tears forming, took a deep breath, and recalled the words a heart mama friend told me today. "I will be standing proud [at the finish line] with many happy kids as they see that a true heart warrior can do anything. I am so excited and hope with all our help we can make it a larger then life event. Because that's how big your heart and determination is larger-than-life." After that recollection, God whispered to my soul,   
"Because this is what you need to be doing. You are doing it for these children, my children."
"But Father," I replied, "I am not a runner. My heart is barely better. How can I do all those miles?"
"You can do it, because I am going to help you," He gently responded. "Those kids need you to do this for them."

After my conversation with my Creator, I had my snack, put on my warm gear (27 degrees that felt like 18 when I went walking this evening), got the dog on her leash and hit the dark and icy-in-many-places road to do my evening walk. The good news is that I did it. The better news is that I could have gone longer had my dog not been dragging me unsafely on the ice. Yikes! The best news is, I know God is by my side every step of the way in this journey. There are friends and family cheering me on and helping me prepare with planning eating and exercise habits. There are Heart Warrior Mamas that have offered to run with me. There are Heart Hero Warriors to keep in mind and from them I am already feeling the love. Best of all, there is my loving Creator who will be there at the finish line with those young Heart Heroes, knowing that by proxy of my legs and healthy heart, they ran this marathon too.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am happy to be a Heart Warrior and I... really want some chocolate! Oh! Hubby just brought me some!! YAY!

Heart Hero Marathon

I have done it. I have gone completely batty..... or at least that was eluded to in a conversation I had today. I have decided to train this upcoming year to... gulp... run... RUN.... (I do not run!).... a marathon!! Unlike so many athletes out there who are in no way crazy, what makes me a little odd is that I do not even run! I love the outdoors and I enjoy taking walks. I even have enjoyed playing sports over the years for fun, but I am in no way an "athlete" and in no way a "runner." So what made me decide to set this hard-to-achieve goal? The Heart Warrior kids, of course!!

A few months back, I joined the IHH group (Intermountain Healing Hearts). They are SO loving and accepting of heart families, even us adults with CHD we did not know about until mid 30's. I fall in love with the heart kiddos everyday as parents ask for prayers, share stories of triumphs and tell about their heart child gaining angels wings. It is a place of healing, of support, of love. Recently, Taylorsville High in Salt Lake City had a fundraiser for IHH. As a thank you to them, IHH put together this video of some of the Heart Hero Warriors in our Heart Family. I fell in love with them even more! I have been praying for guidance as to what I can do to show my love and appreciation to this marvelous group of friends. I have been asking God to guide me to know how I can take my now-healthy heart and use it to bring glory to Him. I know He wants me to teach others about these heart heroes. These thoughts joined other thoughts I have been having.

I want to DO something to celebrate my life! I want to DO something to say, "Hey! God has used His great power to do wonders through me. Pay attention to what He does with you!" I want to DO something so one day someone will say, "Remember that crazy woman who _____? That inspired me. I want to do something as well." Then, a few days ago, I can across some love notes from Cheryl Nelson, my beloved high school English teacher, who passed away in 2000 from lung cancer. She was a marathon runner and breast cancer survivor. She was also like another mother to me. She was one of the most single impacting people in my life. I miss her greatly. She is still inspiring me today.

The past few weeks, I have considered not writing on this blog anymore. After all, I need to simplify things in my life. Then I thought, "What if? What if someone out there, just one person, needs to hear more of my story? Ah, but what story do I have to tell? I have shared my heart story." So, I prayed some more. After watching that video, finding these love notes, reading an article about her passing, and praying again about what I can do to bring light and love to the Heart Warriors, I knew what I had to do. I had to commit to something- BIG- and follow through. I had to tell people- publicly- about it so I can be held accountable. And now, the commitment is made and I am going to do it- I am going to run a marathon!

Please note: I am NOT doing this to bring any form of glory to myself. I am doing this because I want to honor Cheryl Nelson who inspired me to do something great in my life. I am doing this because I want to do what those Heart Warriors- the Jace's, the Baylee's, the Christina's- may never be able to do for themselves. Mostly, I am doing this to do this to bring honor to God. He did heal me, after all. So let's do something to celebrate!

Join with me on my journey as I began getting in shape so I can start training. Today, I took my first 20 minute walk since my heart procedure this summer. That is 20 minutes more than I could walk two months ago! Yes, I know I have a LONG way to go, especially since I am not a runner, but I know with God by my side, and Heart Warriors cheering me on, I will do this!

My name is Jenny McKinney. I might just be crazy because I am going to run a marathon. Oh, and I really, really want some chocolate, but will pass for now. ;)

A Blessed Christmas

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

It has been a long, busy month as our family has moved our belongings down from Idaho and I have spent every waking moment working hard to get our home settled. All of that while preparing for Christmas has made it a busy month for sure. Alas, I have not forgotten about you, my dear friends. I do apologize for neglecting my duties here. Life can go on, but most importantly, today we can bow on bended knee to our Lord and King, and honor Him this Christmas Day.

About three weeks ago, I found myself driving late at night on the freeway. The song "Christmas Shoes" came on the radio. Do you know it? It made me weep- not a wise thing to do when you are driving on dark, icy roads. However, this song has a special place in my.... um.... heart. For those of you who know it, I assume you can make the connection. For those of you not familiar, watch the video and you will understand why. The song, based off a book, was later turned into a movie. It was the first time in a long time I could hear this song and say, "This is no longer about me." My heart aches for the heart parents and patients that will not all have a miracle brought to them this year. My heart rejoices in a God who granted me mine and now I must get to work finding out what I am to do with this miracle.

Without being consciously aware, a few years ago I began collecting movies about a mom with a heart condition which takes her life. I collect them because I love the acting or am touched by the story, but the irony has not left me. When I have needed a good cry, I watch one of these movies. For the last year, I have not been able to watch any of them, until now. Last week, I was able to sit down and watch Christmas Shoes with a whole new outlook. I am not dying. I am going to live and in that, I must rejoice!! 




One last thing I feel I need to share this Christmas morning. (By the way, we opened our gifts before today so I have time to write to you now!) The kindness of others is astounding!! Because of the medical debt from my heart procedure and the cost of us moving this year, our children were going to have a very small, if at all, Christmas. Surprisingly, our month has been bombarded with gifts, piggy banks and love galore to make this an unbelievable Christmas for my children. Our family has been so blessed! Everyday, we have prayed prayers of gratitude for you, our secret Christmas Angels. Time and time again, I had been told that "blessings will come to those who are faithful" and a few weeks ago, I told God "I am ready for those blessings now." Like buckets of rain being poured form the heavens, those blessings have come! It is not about money, or gifts, it is about you seeing us, our Christmas Angels. It is about you loving in a way only Christ could do. You have given in a way Divinely inspired. We are awed. We are humbled. We are grateful. We thank you.

Merry Christmas, my friends. May the God of Love and Light reign in your life this day and always. May you feel His presence near as you reach out to others. May you have a blessed Christmas Day.

My name is Jenny McKinney and I am wishing you a very Merry and Beloved Christmas.

Joy and Green Hearts

It is a day of overwhelming emotion. I am not sure if I should share, because I might burst into a million little butterflies and rainbows, the news is so great. Here's how it all played out.

Yesterday, as some of you read on my Facebook page, I was at a loss as to what to give my heart surgeon when I saw him today. The man did save my life, after all. How do you repay that? With cookies, of course! What kind of cookies? After an hour of researching options with the ingredients I had on hand, I went with heart-shaped sugar cookies. Appropriate, right? Since our belongings are still in storage for another few days, I am mixing everything by hand.... even the frosting. How my grandmother's did this on a regular basis, I have no idea, because mixing by hand is NOT an easy task. With my rolling pin being packed in the never ending abyss of hidden kitchen items, I thought I would do something fancy with the dough. First, I rolled it out into a log, determined to fashion the dough into a heart shape, then slicing each cookie of, similar to the dough-boy recipes we see on television and in stores. When that failed- tremendously- I decided to pinch off snippets of dough, roll them into balls, then flatten them with my Dollar Tree Cutting board. It is about 5"x8" so smoosh I did! I then took a little plastic knife and trimmed the circle into a heart. Perfect. That should work... or so I thought... until they came out of the oven looking a little... biscuit-like. Ah well! Once the frosting was on it, then it would be fine, right? Um, wrong.

The frosting was also made by hand and with.... dare I say... a shortening base. Now, I am a pretty good "throw it in the bowl and see how yummy it turns out" sort of chef and I am happy to say I can make a pretty great cookie without a recipe. (I did used one for these.) I have made frosting dozens of times and know how to make it so delicious you want to just eat it on a graham cracker, or a spoon. Using shortening for a base? Not so delish. Of course, I put green food coloring in it to represent new life..... and because I was out of red. The frosting tasted ok when I sampled it. The kids did not seem to complain when they had a taste of frosted cookie. However, when I went to sample one to make sure my beautiful, two-hour long cookie making event turned out tastily, I could not believe it! The cookies tasted like.... biscuits with shortening-based frosting on them! GREEN HEARTS? What was I thinking?!?! There was the problem! I messed with the pink hearts. Should not have done that! Needless to say, I decided NOT to give my doc the cookies. If he tasted them, it would have been like I was saying, "Thanks for all you did, but...." instead of saying, "THANK YOU for saving my life!"

(Looks can be deceiving)

After I finally decided on a gift to give him (printed lyrics in a frame and a thank you note), I prepared for the appointment this morning with much prayer and a lot of deep breaths. I have been avoiding it for some time. I admit, I have been a bit afraid of what he would say. When I finally saw him after seeing the MA then PA, things were better than I could have ever imagined.

Dr. B talked about the details of going into my heart. He shared how he went in looking for specific things such as scar tissue where my heart is enlarged, as well as more trouble than the faulty circuit. Instead, what they found was only the faulty circuit! Once that problem was fixed, he of course tested my heart, and it continued to behave in a healthy manner. The ICD was not needed and today he confirmed as far as he can tell, it will never be. He told me, "Your heart is very healthy. It looks great!" He was pleasantly surprised that it is so healthy. Not only that, but I do not have to return of any check-ups, unless I feel something changing down the road, if I feel things reverting to the way they were before this procedure, which we do not expect to happen.

For the first time in 17 years, I have peace about my heart. For the first time in all of these years, I have been told that I am going to be fine, there are no more issues to be concerned with. Your heart is healthy. I never imagined hearing those words! What reason to rejoice!

I did give Dr. B the framed poem and card. I told him that I made cookies, but in order to protect him from their unpleasant nature, I did not bring them, something he laughingly appreciated. I also shared with him how there were people all around the world fasting and praying that day on my behalf and his as well. "Tell them thank you," he said. "We really appreciate the prayers and fasting." As my hubby and I left the room, I gave Dr. B a hug and thanked him again. We shared a mutual smile of relief and joy. We both know his hands were guided that day.

After years of testing, stress, endless prayers, nearly dying multiple times, and finally finding doctors to see this through to the end, today I have been declared "heart healthy." Thank you for your prayers.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I do not like green hearts, Sam-I-Am but I would really love some chocolate!

PS- Just as I finished writing this, one of my boys walked in the room and asked for a cookie. HA!