Things Are Different Now

I am 37 years old and my life has just begun. Many days, I feel I am infantile in my learning process, which is rightly so; this life is all about gaining wisdom and knowledge but it's length is but the blink of an eye in the eternal perspective. I like to think that my 20's were my growing up years and my 30's are my years to gain wisdom. What will my 40's hold?

Things are different now. It has only been in the past few weeks that I have begun to realize how much I have learned since my heart was restored 10 months ago. Last night, as my mother-in-law was visiting from out of state and, along with her mother, we discussed some thoughts on mothering and parenting, I could almost hear what these wonderful ladies were thinking, "Jenny finally gets it! She has finally grown up." I nearly called them out on thinking those things, but decided to just leave it alone. One thing I have noticed since my heart was declared strong and healthy is how much I see things differently now... how much more life means to me.

Things are different now. The struggle of being a healthy mom has been more difficult than I thought it would be. As I have shared here, I have walked a road of feeling lost in who I am. It was almost easy when I was dying, because I knew what I had to get done. Yet... why not do those things still? I want to help my children to their chores. I want to homeschool! I want to teach them right from wrong! Everyday, I look at my children and husband with this deep, abiding love. in awe, I wonder that if I can love them so deeply, how much greater is the love of our Savior and Father in Heaven for these souls. How can a love be greater than that of a mother? If it is the love of our Creators, then it is so.

Things are different now. I still do not have my energy restored to 100% capacity. That will still take some time. What I do have is my ability to love reaching beyond depths I never imagined. What if, when my heart was fixed, God placed in it more love than I could experience before? Perhaps in my physical healing, a spiritual healing took place, one where the Atonement was truly procured by a soul, my soul, that I did not even realize was aching.

Things are different now. All I want to do is love, serve, create. Before, I looked for reasons to be angry, to feed an unhappiness that resulted from poor self-esteem I did not even realize I struggled with. Now, I desire to keep this smile on my face all the time. Do I lose my temper? Yep! Now I am quicker to apologize and ask forgiveness. Do I make mistakes? All the time! Yet, my desire to change and be better comes from opening my heart and receiving the Grace of God rather than "just doing the right thing".

Things are different now. Now I am willing to learn from my mistakes; I am willing to feel the Love and Grace of God; I am willing to allow my heart to love in ways it would not have before. The more I love, the more I serve, the more I count my blessings, the more my heart loves, grows, functions in ways unknown to Man.

Yes, things are different now and for this, I am grateful.

My name is Jenny McKinney. Things are different. I am different .... and I already had chocolate today.

A Letter of Thanks

(Written 6/17/2014)

To my Heavenly Father-
Thank You for the beauty of my life. Today, I was able to bring little children into my home and give them so much love. In return, I received a bosom full of joy. As little children are so tender to You, I rejoice that I was able to see them through Your eyes.

Thank You for the home that we call ours, for however long we are here. It may not be a mansion, but it is our palace, as I work hard to make it as such. I am grateful for the creativity I have been blessed with to make it welcoming for all those who enter here.

Thank You for the food we have on our table. We often eat humble meals, but we have more than most in this world. How can I complain?

Thank you for the love that fills our home each day. Our children are healthy and happy. Our marriage is strong. All these things are because we have done as You ask and center our lived around Your Son, Jesus Christ, and put others first whenever possible. This has brought us joy.

Thank You for the friends that surround us. We may not go to parties each week. We may not be able to take lavish vacations with our neighbors, but we know where we can turn if a need arises. We know in whom we can put our trust.

Thank You for helping us find opportunities to serve. Whether it be at church, in our community, or in our home, our hearts grow each time we give of ourselves freely. In this, we can rejoice.

Most of all, for me, thank You for the gift of my life, in which has been spared. You did not just mend my heart, You healed it. Now, I may continue to live life to the fullest and love to my greatest capacity.

Your loving daughter,
Jenny


(Now.... where can I go find some chocolate?)

Shaky Knees, Strong Heart

Two weeks ago, I had a sudden pain in my left knee- one that would not leave, no matter what I did. Concerned that I pinched a nerve like I had in my other knee years ago, I did my best to rest it. I put a knee brace on, occasionally taking it off to ice it. After a couple of days of this interruption in my life, I finally borrowed a set of crutches. I just could not put pressure directly on it. Should I have gone to a doctor? Maybe. Did I? No. A good friend brought me over some all-natural pain patches. Those I was willing try. As you may know by now, I am not a fan of medication, so the all-natural Class 1 Medical Device patches appealed to me. They brought enough relief that I was able to be off the crutches by the next day and I thought I was good to go. (I am grateful to my family for not making goat noises while I painfully gimped around the house.)

Two days ago, I went for a walk- a little over a mile. Everything was fine. That evening, I pushed things a bit and went for a... gulp... jog. Not my brightest moment, that was for sure. I barely covered half a mile when the pain decided to come back full force. Sigh.

Yesterday, things were feeling rather fine until my dog decided to walk next to me and knock me off balance. When I tried to catch myself from falling, I stepped down hard on my left leg, causing the pain to shoot through my knee like a lightening bolt zaps an evergreen. Thankfully, my hubby caught me before I could totally fall to the ground.

As I have been feeling things out for my future goal of running a marathon, my kind husband pointed out that with my knee struggles (that I have had problems with since my childhood) perhaps I should plan on walking the marathon, instead of running it. I told him pointedly that walking it would take too long. He patiently replied that running it may be putting too much pressure on my knee and I am risking serious damage to it. I wondered how long it would take to walk a marathon.

On Sunday morning, I was studying what members of my Church call "The Lord's Law of Health" or "The Word of Wisdom." Especially since my diagnosis and since my one year "heartiversary" is approaching, I have been particularly interested in strengthening my newly functioning heart. In a sacred blessing I was once given, I was promised that if I live the Lord's Law of Health, my body would function properly and I would be able to overcome the illnesses and sickness that I would experience in this life. This makes me rejoice! With a little time and a little more recovery, I know my heart can withstand the marathon. What about my knees, though? They are rather shaky these days!

I have decided to trust in the blessings of God and move forward with this marathon goal. I am going to research out knee-strengthening exercises and focus on making them strong. Once I do that, I know I can do this! It will not be this year as I originally planned, as I am learning to slow down and proceed with caution, but I will accomplish my goal! I may have shaky knees now, but my heart is strong and like the Lord provided a way for my heart to be healed, so He shall with my knees.

My name is Jenny McKinney. My heart is strong and I really want some chocolate! (It's breakfast time. I wonder if I can find some around here.)