Ready? Set? RACE!!

It's ON Like Donkey Kong! Haha! I love that phrase from high school! Last night I researched out and decided on the races I will be doing. Yep, races. Plural. Note: I am not racing. I am just referring to them as that. I will share the dates with you in a minute. First, I have to tell you about training today and to say thank you to my hubby who encouraged me with these words: I will support you in whatever way I can. Thanks for that, Babe. I love you!

I love my girl. She is an "almost seven" blue eyed cutie who adores her mama. (I'm so blessed!) This morning, Princess B decided she wants to do the race with me. I explained to her she may go walking with me whenever she wants, however she may not quite be ready for the race.
     "But I LOVE racing, Mom!" she exclaimed as she began jogging up the hill in her orange sweats, purple shoes, and metallic purple jacket.
     "I know you do! The race is just a bit farther than you think it is." We went ahead on our 20 minute walk up the hill, along the icy frontage road and began the descent towards our home when she started asking more questions about the race. She wanted to know how far it was. When I told her it was a LOT farther than the walk we were taking, she again told me, "That's ok. I like to race." A few minutes later, as we were nearing the bottom of the decline, she shared, "My legs are feeling a bit weird." I explained to her that it was probably because we walked farther than she is used to. I told her that she might want to wait until she was older to run in the race. After telling me she wished she was older so she could race with me, she finally admitted, "I don't think I want to run in the race. I'm tired." I then took the next few minutes to make sure she understood why I was running in the race.
     "I am not running to win, B."
     "But, Mom, if you win, you get prizes!"
     "Oh I know, but I do not need a prize. I am doing this to show Heavenly Father how grateful I am that he fixed my heart. I am also doing this because when my heart was sick, I could not have done it. Now that it is better, I can do this race. I am also doing to to show my former teacher honor and respect because she was so kind to me in my life. Mostly, I am doing this for all the Heart Hero friends that cannot run for themselves. These kids have hearts that do not work right and so I am running this race for them, since they cannot do it for themselves. Do you understand?"
     "Yes, but you get prizes if you win, Mom!"
     "Do you know what I want you to do? I want you to be at the finish line when I cross it (she gasps) with our Heart Hero friends (another gasp) and cheering me on yelling You did it, Mom! You did it!" (one more gasp)
     "I will be your we-ward, Mom!"
Sigh. I love being a mom. Yes, Princess B.... you certainly are my reward.

Races I am registering in:
May 3rd- 5K Fiesta in Sandy, UT
July 4th- Riverton Country Mile 10K in Riverton, UT

August 9th- Famous Fruit Way 1/2 Marathon in Ogden, UT
September 27th- Layton Marathon in Layton, UT

Anyone is welcome to join me! Oh and I took my measurements and weighed myself this morning. I even wrote down the info in my handy-dandy notebook. THAT is how serious I am!

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am serious about this and I really want some chocolate!

WHAT am I DOING?!?!

This evening, as I was preparing a high protein snack to eat before my 2nd walk of the day (In fact, my 2nd walk in this journey) I thought to myself, "WHAT am I DOING?!?! I can't run a marathon! I am only prepping for my second WALK, not RUN and I am feeling tired already. TWENTY-SIX point TWO MILES?!?! Am I KIDDING myself?!?!" Then, I felt the tears forming, took a deep breath, and recalled the words a heart mama friend told me today. "I will be standing proud [at the finish line] with many happy kids as they see that a true heart warrior can do anything. I am so excited and hope with all our help we can make it a larger then life event. Because that's how big your heart and determination is larger-than-life." After that recollection, God whispered to my soul,   
"Because this is what you need to be doing. You are doing it for these children, my children."
"But Father," I replied, "I am not a runner. My heart is barely better. How can I do all those miles?"
"You can do it, because I am going to help you," He gently responded. "Those kids need you to do this for them."

After my conversation with my Creator, I had my snack, put on my warm gear (27 degrees that felt like 18 when I went walking this evening), got the dog on her leash and hit the dark and icy-in-many-places road to do my evening walk. The good news is that I did it. The better news is that I could have gone longer had my dog not been dragging me unsafely on the ice. Yikes! The best news is, I know God is by my side every step of the way in this journey. There are friends and family cheering me on and helping me prepare with planning eating and exercise habits. There are Heart Warrior Mamas that have offered to run with me. There are Heart Hero Warriors to keep in mind and from them I am already feeling the love. Best of all, there is my loving Creator who will be there at the finish line with those young Heart Heroes, knowing that by proxy of my legs and healthy heart, they ran this marathon too.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am happy to be a Heart Warrior and I... really want some chocolate! Oh! Hubby just brought me some!! YAY!

Heart Hero Marathon

I have done it. I have gone completely batty..... or at least that was eluded to in a conversation I had today. I have decided to train this upcoming year to... gulp... run... RUN.... (I do not run!).... a marathon!! Unlike so many athletes out there who are in no way crazy, what makes me a little odd is that I do not even run! I love the outdoors and I enjoy taking walks. I even have enjoyed playing sports over the years for fun, but I am in no way an "athlete" and in no way a "runner." So what made me decide to set this hard-to-achieve goal? The Heart Warrior kids, of course!!

A few months back, I joined the IHH group (Intermountain Healing Hearts). They are SO loving and accepting of heart families, even us adults with CHD we did not know about until mid 30's. I fall in love with the heart kiddos everyday as parents ask for prayers, share stories of triumphs and tell about their heart child gaining angels wings. It is a place of healing, of support, of love. Recently, Taylorsville High in Salt Lake City had a fundraiser for IHH. As a thank you to them, IHH put together this video of some of the Heart Hero Warriors in our Heart Family. I fell in love with them even more! I have been praying for guidance as to what I can do to show my love and appreciation to this marvelous group of friends. I have been asking God to guide me to know how I can take my now-healthy heart and use it to bring glory to Him. I know He wants me to teach others about these heart heroes. These thoughts joined other thoughts I have been having.

I want to DO something to celebrate my life! I want to DO something to say, "Hey! God has used His great power to do wonders through me. Pay attention to what He does with you!" I want to DO something so one day someone will say, "Remember that crazy woman who _____? That inspired me. I want to do something as well." Then, a few days ago, I can across some love notes from Cheryl Nelson, my beloved high school English teacher, who passed away in 2000 from lung cancer. She was a marathon runner and breast cancer survivor. She was also like another mother to me. She was one of the most single impacting people in my life. I miss her greatly. She is still inspiring me today.

The past few weeks, I have considered not writing on this blog anymore. After all, I need to simplify things in my life. Then I thought, "What if? What if someone out there, just one person, needs to hear more of my story? Ah, but what story do I have to tell? I have shared my heart story." So, I prayed some more. After watching that video, finding these love notes, reading an article about her passing, and praying again about what I can do to bring light and love to the Heart Warriors, I knew what I had to do. I had to commit to something- BIG- and follow through. I had to tell people- publicly- about it so I can be held accountable. And now, the commitment is made and I am going to do it- I am going to run a marathon!

Please note: I am NOT doing this to bring any form of glory to myself. I am doing this because I want to honor Cheryl Nelson who inspired me to do something great in my life. I am doing this because I want to do what those Heart Warriors- the Jace's, the Baylee's, the Christina's- may never be able to do for themselves. Mostly, I am doing this to do this to bring honor to God. He did heal me, after all. So let's do something to celebrate!

Join with me on my journey as I began getting in shape so I can start training. Today, I took my first 20 minute walk since my heart procedure this summer. That is 20 minutes more than I could walk two months ago! Yes, I know I have a LONG way to go, especially since I am not a runner, but I know with God by my side, and Heart Warriors cheering me on, I will do this!

My name is Jenny McKinney. I might just be crazy because I am going to run a marathon. Oh, and I really, really want some chocolate, but will pass for now. ;)

A Blessed Christmas

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

It has been a long, busy month as our family has moved our belongings down from Idaho and I have spent every waking moment working hard to get our home settled. All of that while preparing for Christmas has made it a busy month for sure. Alas, I have not forgotten about you, my dear friends. I do apologize for neglecting my duties here. Life can go on, but most importantly, today we can bow on bended knee to our Lord and King, and honor Him this Christmas Day.

About three weeks ago, I found myself driving late at night on the freeway. The song "Christmas Shoes" came on the radio. Do you know it? It made me weep- not a wise thing to do when you are driving on dark, icy roads. However, this song has a special place in my.... um.... heart. For those of you who know it, I assume you can make the connection. For those of you not familiar, watch the video and you will understand why. The song, based off a book, was later turned into a movie. It was the first time in a long time I could hear this song and say, "This is no longer about me." My heart aches for the heart parents and patients that will not all have a miracle brought to them this year. My heart rejoices in a God who granted me mine and now I must get to work finding out what I am to do with this miracle.

Without being consciously aware, a few years ago I began collecting movies about a mom with a heart condition which takes her life. I collect them because I love the acting or am touched by the story, but the irony has not left me. When I have needed a good cry, I watch one of these movies. For the last year, I have not been able to watch any of them, until now. Last week, I was able to sit down and watch Christmas Shoes with a whole new outlook. I am not dying. I am going to live and in that, I must rejoice!! 




One last thing I feel I need to share this Christmas morning. (By the way, we opened our gifts before today so I have time to write to you now!) The kindness of others is astounding!! Because of the medical debt from my heart procedure and the cost of us moving this year, our children were going to have a very small, if at all, Christmas. Surprisingly, our month has been bombarded with gifts, piggy banks and love galore to make this an unbelievable Christmas for my children. Our family has been so blessed! Everyday, we have prayed prayers of gratitude for you, our secret Christmas Angels. Time and time again, I had been told that "blessings will come to those who are faithful" and a few weeks ago, I told God "I am ready for those blessings now." Like buckets of rain being poured form the heavens, those blessings have come! It is not about money, or gifts, it is about you seeing us, our Christmas Angels. It is about you loving in a way only Christ could do. You have given in a way Divinely inspired. We are awed. We are humbled. We are grateful. We thank you.

Merry Christmas, my friends. May the God of Love and Light reign in your life this day and always. May you feel His presence near as you reach out to others. May you have a blessed Christmas Day.

My name is Jenny McKinney and I am wishing you a very Merry and Beloved Christmas.

Joy and Green Hearts

It is a day of overwhelming emotion. I am not sure if I should share, because I might burst into a million little butterflies and rainbows, the news is so great. Here's how it all played out.

Yesterday, as some of you read on my Facebook page, I was at a loss as to what to give my heart surgeon when I saw him today. The man did save my life, after all. How do you repay that? With cookies, of course! What kind of cookies? After an hour of researching options with the ingredients I had on hand, I went with heart-shaped sugar cookies. Appropriate, right? Since our belongings are still in storage for another few days, I am mixing everything by hand.... even the frosting. How my grandmother's did this on a regular basis, I have no idea, because mixing by hand is NOT an easy task. With my rolling pin being packed in the never ending abyss of hidden kitchen items, I thought I would do something fancy with the dough. First, I rolled it out into a log, determined to fashion the dough into a heart shape, then slicing each cookie of, similar to the dough-boy recipes we see on television and in stores. When that failed- tremendously- I decided to pinch off snippets of dough, roll them into balls, then flatten them with my Dollar Tree Cutting board. It is about 5"x8" so smoosh I did! I then took a little plastic knife and trimmed the circle into a heart. Perfect. That should work... or so I thought... until they came out of the oven looking a little... biscuit-like. Ah well! Once the frosting was on it, then it would be fine, right? Um, wrong.

The frosting was also made by hand and with.... dare I say... a shortening base. Now, I am a pretty good "throw it in the bowl and see how yummy it turns out" sort of chef and I am happy to say I can make a pretty great cookie without a recipe. (I did used one for these.) I have made frosting dozens of times and know how to make it so delicious you want to just eat it on a graham cracker, or a spoon. Using shortening for a base? Not so delish. Of course, I put green food coloring in it to represent new life..... and because I was out of red. The frosting tasted ok when I sampled it. The kids did not seem to complain when they had a taste of frosted cookie. However, when I went to sample one to make sure my beautiful, two-hour long cookie making event turned out tastily, I could not believe it! The cookies tasted like.... biscuits with shortening-based frosting on them! GREEN HEARTS? What was I thinking?!?! There was the problem! I messed with the pink hearts. Should not have done that! Needless to say, I decided NOT to give my doc the cookies. If he tasted them, it would have been like I was saying, "Thanks for all you did, but...." instead of saying, "THANK YOU for saving my life!"

(Looks can be deceiving)

After I finally decided on a gift to give him (printed lyrics in a frame and a thank you note), I prepared for the appointment this morning with much prayer and a lot of deep breaths. I have been avoiding it for some time. I admit, I have been a bit afraid of what he would say. When I finally saw him after seeing the MA then PA, things were better than I could have ever imagined.

Dr. B talked about the details of going into my heart. He shared how he went in looking for specific things such as scar tissue where my heart is enlarged, as well as more trouble than the faulty circuit. Instead, what they found was only the faulty circuit! Once that problem was fixed, he of course tested my heart, and it continued to behave in a healthy manner. The ICD was not needed and today he confirmed as far as he can tell, it will never be. He told me, "Your heart is very healthy. It looks great!" He was pleasantly surprised that it is so healthy. Not only that, but I do not have to return of any check-ups, unless I feel something changing down the road, if I feel things reverting to the way they were before this procedure, which we do not expect to happen.

For the first time in 17 years, I have peace about my heart. For the first time in all of these years, I have been told that I am going to be fine, there are no more issues to be concerned with. Your heart is healthy. I never imagined hearing those words! What reason to rejoice!

I did give Dr. B the framed poem and card. I told him that I made cookies, but in order to protect him from their unpleasant nature, I did not bring them, something he laughingly appreciated. I also shared with him how there were people all around the world fasting and praying that day on my behalf and his as well. "Tell them thank you," he said. "We really appreciate the prayers and fasting." As my hubby and I left the room, I gave Dr. B a hug and thanked him again. We shared a mutual smile of relief and joy. We both know his hands were guided that day.

After years of testing, stress, endless prayers, nearly dying multiple times, and finally finding doctors to see this through to the end, today I have been declared "heart healthy." Thank you for your prayers.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I do not like green hearts, Sam-I-Am but I would really love some chocolate!

PS- Just as I finished writing this, one of my boys walked in the room and asked for a cookie. HA!

Relapse

Do you remember way back when I had my surgery? (Ok, it wasn't that long ago!) For the first two weeks, I was doing waaaaay too much. (Now don't give me those looks! I had energy!) Although I found out is was because the energy was from the adrenaline pumped into my body after the procedure, to me it was like I was a squirrel who just drank a double caffeinated mocha latte*. When that ran out, BAM!! I was hit with a fatigue like a Whack-a-Mole victim suddenly getting taken out. Over time, though, I was able to rest a lot and slowly my strength has been returning.... until now.

With our recent move, the stairs that have forced their way into my life, and taking a daily turn at walking our beautiful Australian Shepherd, it is certainly understandable that I am a little run down. However, I went to bed last night with a lot of pain in the region of my lower surgical site and awoke feeling... relapsed.

I am more tired then I have been for weeks and the pain is as if I had the procedure three weeks ago, instead of three months. I do not have the energy to do anything today except get up to get a drink or a quick bite to eat. Perhaps part of it is because I am fighting an infection elsewhere in my body, but I am exhausted. I am back to taking daily naps, and they are usually an hour or more. This is really frustrating to a mother who has three homeschooled children and has finally began to feel more human in a very long time.

Maybe this is a relapse. Maybe it is my body telling me to slow down. I finally am going to my post-op appointment next week, so I can talk to the doctor about it then. (Now, please stop giving me those lecturing mother looks! I'll admit I was avoiding going in, but I finally made the appointment, all right?) I do not know if this is normal for others who have been through this same journey. What I do know is that I am trying to be patient in my healing process. I share this with you to remind you, as well as myself, that sometimes we need to be more patient, loving, and gentle, with ourselves.




*(I actually have no idea what that means because I do not drink coffee.)

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am working on my patience and I really want some chocolate!

Undeniably Blessed

Do not try to convince me otherwise..... I KNOW without a doubt that I am blessed. Three months ago today, I wrote about getting ready to head into surgery. Two days later, I wrote the first part of my heart miracle. Today, I sit here in awe as I realize it was three months ago today that I received my miracle. Three months! How is it that three months ago, I was dying and today, I live?

I have been recapping the events leading up to that day in the hospital where my miracle was granted. What the world could not see was that day after day, I was laying on the couch at my folks house, unable to do anything but rest for hours on end. I would fix meals, if I had a bit of energy, but I usually required a LOT of assistance from my children or husband in order to do so. I remember more than once where my mom came in from work, took one look at me laying there, and her eyes began to swell with tears.
     "What's wrong, Mom?" I would ask her.
     "You are just so.... sick," she would sadly reply.

I supposed I never really saw it, until then. I really was sick. It seemed that once I got the diagnosis back in June, after more than a dozen years of doctors running tests, my body decided it was ok to be sick. It was ok to be in pain, to faint, to have such severe fatigue, I could hardly function most days. That diagnosis validated everything I thought I had been imagining all those years that I pushed through the pain. My heart was enlarged. My circuits were going crazy. My heart was working way too hard to function properly. That diagnosis was permission to rest, because if I did not rest, then I would die.

It had been my life for more than 5 years, I told her. This was "normal" for me. She has been at my father's side for many years with his failing heart. She knows the signs. I was dying. It was hard for some to see, because I would still go to church or other activities. What they did not see is that when I got home, I would collapse for hours afterwards. Sure, I would go grocery shopping for 30 minutes, then I would spend the next three hours recovering from that outing. For the most part, my life came to a halt. My bedtime went from 10pm, to 9 pm, and eventually worked its way down to 6 pm. Often, I would make sure someone was overseeing dinner, climb into my pajamas (if I got out of them that day) then go to bed, falling asleep long before my children dreamed with the angels. I was not allowed to go do anything strenuous, and even walking was only if someone was with me. Once I had my diagnosis, once we were in a place where I had help with my children, it was as if my mind gave permission to my body to really start feeling what was happening. My heart was failing me. It would take a major surgery to keep me alive. Without that surgery, tt would take a miracle to survive at all.

Three months ago, you fasted and prayed for me. Three months ago, the Spirit guided the hands of my heart surgeon. Three months ago, the problem was found, then corrected. Three months ago, the doctors tested my heart to go into cardiac arrest and it did not respond to the drugs- a great sign! Three months ago, I was told (although I have no recollection because I was so drugged up) that my heart was fixed, that I would never have to get the life saving device and that, with time and healing, I would be fine.

How am I able to be simply mortal, yet have this Divine understanding?
God uses us to fulfill His purposes. He has granted me the life I need to share my story, so that I can bring glory to Him. (It is taking all the control I have to not weep while I write this.) I know He is mindful of each of us. I know that my life has been spared for a purpose. He loves me. I am His greatest creation! He loves you. You are His greatest creation!

I do not need to know about the intricacies of how my heart works, because that is what the specialists are for. I just need to know I had a condition that was life-threatening and God, in all of His Glory, guided my team of doctors to correcting the electrical storm that was raging. The storm has been stilled. I am still tired. I am still healing, but I am ALIVE!! 

 My name is Jenny McKinney. I am so blessed. Want some chocolate? 

(Picture is "Peace, Be Still" by Simon Dewey.)

The Facebook Purge (Healing- PART III)

Facebook... ah, the word alone brings up bittersweet thoughts. On one hand, it is so great to know that we can make contact with people all over the world in an instant. On the other hand, it can be a place of damaging drama and addiction.

During an especially dark few days this past month, I wondered about the 889 "friends" I had on my social media page. How many of them had I actually had any form of contact with over the past year? Probably about half. Perhaps a third. Out of those 300-400 or so, how many of them have made an effort to seek me out? To make comments on my status updates, to email me personally? To show somehow that they cared about me? Maybe about 200. So "Why," I asked myself, "do I have that many people on my friends list?" Then, I started categorizing who they were and the reasons I kept them on there.

- Family. They are family, so I am obligated to keep them on my friend's list, right? Even though they have not been on Facebook in the five years I have been friends with them on there; even though we never, ever have had any form of personal communication in years, whether or not through the site; even though in "real life" we have rarely spoken to each other or have even met, for that matter, I am obligated to keep them on there, right?
- Church Acquaintances. We go/went to church together. Even though we have never had any contact at church, or on Facebook; even though they had greatly mistreated me and I am still working on forgiving them; even though I have only heard of their name in the church world, I am obligated to keep them on there, right?
- High School Friends. We went to school together 20+ years ago (am I really old enough to say that?) and we never talked then, so of course we should be Facebook friends now, right?
- Music Fans. Some people heard my music online or at a performance, then sent me a friend request. If they are fans, then they might need to hear the positive messages I strive to share on a regular basis. Maybe they are in the dark and that message is bringing them hope for that day, so I am obligated to keep them on there, right?
- Strangers or Friends of Friends. Yes, there were people on my friends list that I have no idea who they are. Some we lived in the same city so they sent a request. Others saw me comment on a mutual friend's page, so they sent me a request.

So there they were... a bunch of people I did not know or never had any contact with. I knew many of them would not care of I unfriended them, because we never had any contact. So, without much hesitation, I began the Spring Cleaning process. Deep down, I knew that as a public figure of sorts, I may be damaging my fan base, but in that moment, it was about survival and finding my way out of the dark. It was about ridding my life of anything extra, including nameless and faceless people that were just.... there. I began unfriending, then what began as therapeutic turned into unhealthy thoughts.

I began rationalizing the why of what I was doing. I am going to delete her because she only pretends to like me. I know she really doesn't. If she liked me, then she would have made an attempt to talk to me in the past few months. (I never stopped to consider what she might be dealing with in her own life.) Or how about, Sure, they are related, but are they really family? I mean, if they cared, they would have asked about my recovery. They would have expressed some concern about my heart during all of this testing and procedures I had done. They never asked, so they must not care. The most common thought I felt myself having as I was doing my Facebook Purge was that of If I unfriend Person A but keep Person B, then Person A will surely notice and dislike me even more than they already do. They will judge me for keeping Person B and not them. There were also thoughts such as, So what if I am in the public eye? Does that mean it is my responsibility to keep all these so-called "friends" because one of my messages I share might save them that day? Well, yes, Jenny McKinney, actually that responsibility does come with the territory.

Truth be told, even with 889 Facebook friends, and many of them being "real life" friends, I felt very alone. During that struggle of loneliness, I began rejecting people in my life because I felt they did not care. In many ways, I was walking a path of self-created darkness so I did what I knew how to do: I purged my life of what I thought was causing some the darkness..... people who did not care... or did they? When I found out my beloved friend had cancer, I shut her out. I could not deal with it. Oh, I cared alright, cared to the point of grieving so deeply that I did not make contact with her while she struggled through her horrible treatments. I prayed for her continually, and loved her from afar, but I never sent a note, never called, never let her know how much I was cheering for her. My heart ached on her behalf and I knew that if I tried to contact her, I would be a mess and have nothing to offer her. So, I prayed that angels would attend her and somehow she would feel of my love from afar. When her treatments were coming to an end and I finally contacted her, I was so sorrowful that I had not been a better friend. She instantly forgave me and lifted my spirits, because that's the kind of friend she is.

Maybe some of those friends and family who became invisible in my life were doing as I did with Kami... loving me from afar. Praying for me. Cheering me on as they read my blog, or learned of what I was dealing with. I am grateful for that. Truly. Though this process, though, I have learned that one really does recover quicker when they know they are loved.

Now, I recognize some of these thoughts as being unhealthy, but when you are in that darkness, it binds you. Once those unhealthy thoughts find their launching point, they can quickly snowball out of control. Many times, it takes hitting rock bottom before something begins to change. For me, the change began when I find out one of my children was suffering from their own deep, scarring darkness and needed me to love them through it. My behavior was not going to help. I had to change it so I could be their for them. It has taken some serious self-reflection, hours of prayer, scripture study, temple attendance, and getting into the habit (of which I am still developing) of taking a nutritional product (that I took years ago and saw excellent results, but stopped taking for the past several years) to start seeing results. I also spent a lot of time talking through things with my husband and my bishop (pastor) before I began to feel the changes taking place. I finally reached out to you and asked for prayers on my behalf. Then, as I recently shared, the darkness began to lift. All these things came together for my own good. For that, I am truly grateful.

I am doing better. Honestly. I know much of that improvement comes as a result of prayers on my behalf, for which I am humbly grateful. I know there may be days of darkness ahead, but I now know I do not walk alone. I pray that those who have been hurt by my choices will be quick to forgive. I did not set out to hurt anyone. I was just trying to survive. If you want to make contact again, please send me a friend request. My heart is healing and ready to love again.

We are all beloved children of God. He uses us to accomplish His great works. We need to be there for each other, and not be afraid to love one another through the darkness. It is only when the Light breaks through that we can be whole again.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am healing and... I think I will go have some chocolate... hot chocolate.

Family Dynamics (Healing- PART II)

Like many of you, I come from a family with all sorts of dynamics. We have those who have stayed on the straight and narrow, those who have wandered and are still lost, and those who have left the path, been to the depths of hell, and found their way back, only to bask in the joy that comes from making choices pleasing to God. One thing that I have learned these past few months while living with my folks is that our parents (the ones I was born to that raised eight children) love their children. Now, all eight children may not see it, but I know it to be true. Over the past few months, I have seen my parents cry and grieve for the children who are hurting, and express sorrow for their own choices that may have led to the struggles of their children. They have expressed joy for the positive choices made, and have rejoiced when any of their children have accomplished something good, small or grand. Parents do not feel these emotions without love. Maybe not everyone can see it, but they love the best they know how.

When my family (my, the Hubby and kids) transitioned from Idaho to Utah this summer, my parents offered for us to stay with them while we looked for a place to live. This was going to be a very temporary stay, perhaps a month. We came on a Sunday. I had just finished all the tests in Idaho- the Echo, CT Scan, Cardiac MRI, etc. The only test left was to finish wearing the monitor. The week after we got to Utah is when my doctor called me from Idaho to share with me about the heart condition. It was a few days later I found out that I needed surgery. My parents did not hesitate. "Stay with while you go through your surgery and recovery." Even though the Hubby and I knew it would be tough in that small home with 9 people, I knew it would considerably lighten the load for me as the mother. I would not have to worry about who would oversee my children being fed, getting to bed, who would play "Mom" while Mom was down. The time with my parents definitely had some difficult moments (as being with family usually will), but there was great beauty in seeing my children get to know their grandparents. There was joy each day Gramma brought home stamps for Princess B's collection Gramma got her started on. There was definitely love. Even through the moments of me being frustrated with my brother, or my dad being a bit grumpy over me "nearly burning the house down" (It was one time, Dad!) there was love. There were long talks, laughter, silliness, love. They have loved us in the best way they know how.

That love has stayed with my little family as we have settled into our new lives in our new place. Now and again, I will see Princess B (age 6) sniffle a bit. When I ask her what is wrong, with sad, teary eyes, she answers, "I miss Gramma and Grampa." I remind her that isn't it wonderful we were able to spend that time with them while Mommy got better, so now she knows them well enough to miss them? I asked her what she loves about them. "Well, Gramma does bring me treasures (stamps) and she is kind. And Grampa is pretty funny." I then let her know that it is the memories she has made with them that make her love for them so special. It is healing to my heart to see these memories and love for her grandparents take place in the walls of my home.

Healing comes in all forms. Sometimes it is through service, other times it is relishing in the memories made. Right now, for me, it is in knowing that my parents, with their failing health, love me enough to take on a family of six for 4 1/2 months, so my heart can have a chance to be made whole.

My name is Jenny McKinney. My heart is healing and for once, I really do not want any chocolate.

Part III (final part of this series) coming soon!

The Journey to Healing... PART I

Ah, I love that moment.... that moment when suddenly everything clicks into place. Everything. Some of you know what I am talking about. It is the moment when I see the clouds slightly part above the steeple I am driving by first thing in the morning. That moment when God whispers to my soul, "Are you understanding yet? There is a purpose to everything under heaven. The heartaches, the depression, the surgery, the financial struggles, friendships lost and gained. All things come together to work for your good and My glory when we allow them to." THAT is the moment I am talking about. Today is one of those moments. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago, I finally made a very public admission: I have been struggling. I truly had no idea that I would receive such an outpouring of love. I very much felt near tangible prayers and love begin to pull me out of that dark place. There were notes of love, emails, phone calls- you name it! While I absolutely am grateful for all of those thoughts on my behalf, there are a few comments that especially struck me deeply that I want to share. Positive thoughts truly are a huge part of my healing process, both physically and emotionally.

From my friend, Erin, whom I met through a facebook group, but she became a heart sister very quickly: 
I love you, Jenny! I know you know Heavenly Father loves you. But you have had to be strong through some heavy stuff for a long time. I hope you know you don't need to be "stronger" - you just need support and friendship. You need safe, trusted, loving friends to rally around you over time. I pray for you that you receive that! It will do more than medicine. I hope my words that follow offer some understanding to those in your social circle locally and touch some hearts in your behalf.

After my peripartum cardiomyopathy (PPCM) (pregnancy-related heart failure), even after my heart was no longer enlarged, no longer in chronic heart failure, and the left ventrical function returned to normal, and so on, it took a long, long time for the rest of my body to catch up and heal. Even now, 7 years after diagnosis, my heart is deconditioned. It will take some vigorous exercise and consistency over time to get it stronger and reduce my high heart rate.

Well-meaning people caught up in the busy-ness of their lives don't understand that when your heart takes a hit - your whole body takes a hit. What's more, our emotions are impacted - our bodies, spirits, and emotions are intricately intertwined. That doesn't recover overnight just because the heart start beating normally again. Also, we have endured trauma - and that certainly takes time and sometimes other work or help to recover from.

You're just beginning the path of your recovery, my friend. I've been an admin for a support group for several years for women with PPCM, and I can tell you that your feelings and needs are normal and understandable. I hope you receive the listening ear, the help and support you need. Love you, Jenny. So glad you're reaching out.

From my dear friend, Sandi, who has known me my whole life, and knows me better than most. She is my soul sister in every way. 
You are no longer the girl with the mysterious heart issue. Your identity was wrapped up in that label for so long that you are now struggling with moving forward without that label that you hated but at the same time became a part of you. You will find yourself again. There is beauty all around you. You were afraid of experiencing true joy because you were afraid of losing it. Feel joy. See the beauty now with hope, not fear. I love you.

That love has stayed with me. Your love has stayed with me. I feel my heart getting better. My energy is returning, albeit slower than I would like. And the darkness? While I am sure I will still have bouts of it here and there throughout my life, for now, the darkness I have been experiencing for weeks is simply.... gone!

Love has lifted me to a higher place
God has granted me this love through His grace
It has taken my soul to a place I now know
Your love has helped me be whole

Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your love.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am healing and.... I already had chocolate. (It was frosting on a donut!)

Go to: Healing- Part II

Thy Years Shall Not Be Numbered Less

Today was a tender day. Ironically enough, I attended a funeral in which I came away understanding that my days that were once numbered no longer are to be numbered less.

I am reminded of the story of Lazarus in the New Testament.  Although He already knew beforehand that Lazarus had died, and even though He knew Lazarus would soon arise, when Jesus got to His friend's side, "Jesus wept..... Behold how He loved him!" (John 11: 35-36) 

Oh, how I loved my friend! Oh, how I love his wife and children! I know that one day, we will all see him again, yet in that moment, we did weep, still weep for the loss of him. Because we love him.

While holding the hand of Steve's darling mother, and as we cried together, we quietly talked of how the Lord must really need great missionaries at this time on the other side. We discussed how Steve is one of the greatest. Then, in a moment of deep grief, I broke down and shared with her about my heart and how I have moments of survivor's guilt that he left and I am still here. (Isn't it interesting how those of us that go to comfort the family members are usually the ones uplifted? I saw that many times today.) Sister McKane shared with me something she remembered from the scriptures. She talked about how those of us that are still here are not yet done with our mortal missions and that is why we are left behind. I have found three references that I think she was referring to.

In Doctrine and Covenants 122:9 it says: "Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less." Then in D&C 121:25 it says: "For there is a time appointed for every man, according as his works shall be." The last is in Job 7:1 "Is there not an appointed time to man upon earth?"

For those of us left behind, it is not our time to go! We still have work to do! Finding out that purpose and fulfilling it is part of our mortal journey. For Steve, it was to guide these young men to believe in something better than they ever imagine. It was about helping them reach their potential, even their Divine potential.

During that hour of grieving, I learned something about my heart. I realized that one of the reasons that I have been more sensitive, and feeling everything deeper than before, is because my heart works now! I do not have to struggle with my emotions, I can just feel them! I can laugh, cry, mourn, rejoice and live without the endless worry of my heart missing beats, adding extra beats, or my heart just... stopping. As much as I loved others before this journey to healing began, I can love that much more! When I need to weep for my Lazarus friends, it is a blessing! When I feel the need to giggle with my older brother because of the remarkable changes he has made in his life, I can! And when I desire to run, dance, sleep, dream, or just relax, I can just... be, and I will rejoice and be glad in it!

One of my oldest and dearest friends wrote on my Facebook wall: "You are no longer the girl with the mysterious heart issue. Your identity was wrapped up in that label for so long that you are now struggling with moving forward without that label that you hated but at the same time became a part of you. You will find yourself again. There is beauty all around you. You were afraid of experiencing true joy because you were afraid of losing it. Feel joy. See the beauty now with hope, not fear. I love you."

I am ready to embrace that beauty! I am ready to love! For the first time in the lives of my children and my 17 years of marriage, I am ready to use this heart as the Lord would have me do. Because I do have today, I am finally ready, and able, to live!

My name is Jenny McKinney and I am ready to LIVE! (PS- I already had my chocolate!)

The Light Will Come

My heart shall not weep for long with the kind of love I feel today from each of you. I am so humbled and so grateful for the dozens of comments, virtual hugs and love notes left on Facebook, on here and in my inbox. Thank you for allowing me to reach out to you. Thank you for reaching back and loving me, in spite of my imperfections. Thank you for the prayers, your concerns and the offers of chocolate.

This scripture passage from 1 Kings 3 really hits home today.
12 Behold, I have done according to thy words: lo, I have given thee a wise and an understanding heart; so that there was none like thee before thee, neither after thee shall any arise like unto thee.
14 And if thou wilt walk in my ways, to keep my statutes and my commandments, as thy father David did walk, then I will lengthen thy days.

There never has been another like me and there will never be another like me (or you). How cool is that? Each of us are so unique and different there will never be another in the world like you. There is even a passage about it in the scriptures, it is so important to understand this!

My days are lengthened for a reason! Yesterday, while at church, I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting and just could not keep my emotions in check. The opening song had words that hit to my core. Then, the gentleman who offered the invocation said something to the effect of, "Bless those with broken hearts that they may be healed through Thee." Oh boy! That did me in. Within a minute of that prayer, I was in the Ladies Room, sobbing up a storm. While I was locked in the stall, thankfully alone at the time, I stood and leaned against the door, weeping, praying and weeping some more. I finally asked God the one question I had not asked since my surgery: Why didn't you let me die? Oh the peace that overcame my soul in that moment, however brief. Because you still have a great work to do came the response. >deep breath<

Woah. Hold the phone. Still have? So, bringing four very incredible children into this world is not my great work? The musical about one of the greatest women ever, that I spent years working on, that hundreds have seen, is not my great work? The prison ministry I began is not my great work? What in the world is my great work?

Do you know what? Right now, that does not even matter. Right now, in my life, what matters is that I literally feel angels of Love and Light passing on your love to me and my aching soul. Right now, what matters is that I know I am not walking this alone. Others have gone through this same journey and they understand. That by itself is comforting. Truly. Right now, what matters is that I know the Lord is aware of my current struggle and He is not going to leave me alone to figure it out. He has sent an outpouring of love to get me through this so one day, I can accomplish my great work- whatever that may be.

Right now, for the first time in a very long time, I feel hope. Real hope. Nearly tangible. I feel hope that angels are attending me, and many of those angels I can "friend." I feel hope that I will be able to figure out what the Lord has in store for me, why He has allowed me to live a long life in good health. I feel hope that although I may have dark days ahead, the light will come. Thank you for that.

My name is Jenny McKinney. For the first time in (seemingly) forever, I feel hope and .... I am going to go have some chocolate. Hot chocolate. Because I really want some.

Out of Darkness....

I had this big, long blog post written up. I just deleted it. I will summarize for you. I am struggling. I am fighting a darkness and a sadness that I never imagined would exist after being told my heart is better. I have felt supported and loved by only a very small fraction of those who have claimed to care. I am sad. I am depressed. There. I said it. Many people have made comments to me that I must be so happy now that I am "all better." Guess what? I am not. My emotions are a mess, although I have been hiding it from nearly everyone but my hubby. I am doing all I can to fight the "this is way more than baby blues" blues, however, this is not leaving. Not soon enough for me, anyway.

Many people assume I am fine, because my heart has been mended. Physically it has been mended, but it is still healing. The problems did not suddenly cease because the procedure went well. I still have had dizzy spells. I still have had chest pain. I am still exhausted. It is less, but it is still there, as my heart tries to become what it needs to be.

I told you from Day One I was going to be real, so here it is: I want out of this darkness. I want to be in the light. I ask for your prayers, positive vibes, juju, and any other good feelings you can send my way. The one way I know how to get through any trial is with a lot of love. I am reaching out to you, asking for that love now. I need it.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am sad and it really is too early for chocolate.

Two Months of Healing with Love

It is hard to believe that two months ago today I was being pumped full of adrenaline to see if my heart would go into cardiac arrest after my procedure. Two months ago today I was supposed to get an ICD implant, but did not. Two months ago today the doctor told me I would be fine and I would never have to get one. Two months ago today, because of the prayers and fasting of so many of you, my heart is repaired and I am on my way to living a full life, instead of a preparing for a life that was going to be very shortened. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and humbled by the miracle I was granted two months ago today.

In the past little week or two, I have had a bit of nervousness as I began having some dizzy spells again. Although I have not yet asked my doctor about it, I know it is because, according to others, I have been doing what I do best- OVERdoing it! Yes, I have been lovingly reprimanded by loved ones. I know! I am healing! I need to rest! However.....

Tell me, though, dear readers, if I rest all the time, who is going to mother my four children? Who is going to homeschool the younger ones? Who is going to do all the SAHM tasks that need doing if I do not do it? All of you mothers know that moms cannot stay down even when she wants to. I am a mom and I have been taking my responsibilities seriously. I have children and a husband that do their part and even some of my part, but still... I am a mother and there are just some things that only a mother can do. Like kiss the boo-boo's all better. Like spontaneously bake cookies for the kid who needs some serious cheering up. Like putting away that last but of laundry that only mother sees did not make it into the drawers. Like wipe the jelly off the table because no one else feels the stickiness when they put their arms on the table. Like taking them on a field trip to Temple Square for school.

Tell me, who else is going to wake up at 6 am to write the song about a friend who has just died because the music woke you up? Who else is going to email the friend to see how they are doing with a trial only you know about? Who else is going to sit in the ER for three hours with their son for a finger that has been sliced open? Who else is going to help him change the bandages on his finger everyday so it does not get infected? Who else is going to brush the hair of a little girl that only allows Mommy to do it because Mommy can work through the tangles without the pain? Who else is going to reach through the walled up emotions of the autistic child when only Mommy is allowed to hold his hand when he is hurting? Who else is going to do these things?

It may seem to some that I am overdoing it. Perhaps I am. What I see, though, is that I am doing exactly what the Lord has allowed me to do- live my life. I do not seek out these things to do. It just comes with the territory. I am resting as much as I can. Truly, I am healing the best I know how, surrounded by love and goodness. That is all I can do- live with love.


My name is Jenny McKinney. I am two months into my healing process and I seriously want some chocolate.

Homecoming in Heaven

Shock. Sadness. Grief. Friend. These are the words that come to mind this morning as my husband and I mourn a beloved friend. Football Coach Steve McKane passed away yesterday due to a heart attack. He was 38 years old... and healthy. He leaves behind his superstar wife (and cancer survivor) Kami, and their three young boys.

For whatever reason, the Lord allowed my not-so-great heart to keep going but my healthy, football coach of a friend..... his heart just stopped. Truly, it was him time to go, yet it does not make it any easier those of us left behind.

Oh how we wish we could jump in our car and drive to AZ for the funeral services. Oh how I wish I could embrace MyKami and cry with her. Steve is her sweetheart, her forever love. My hearts weeps for her loss.

I have lost many friends in this life, some through illness but many unexpected. Not all of them have been this painful. Last night, as I wept in my sweetheart's arms, I wondered why this particular loss is hitting me so hard. He shared the insight, "Maybe it's because this is what we could have faced."

Could have. Not are. Could have.

After learning the hard way to not question the Lord's decisions, it is taking everything in my will power to not question why He would allow me to stay but take our friend home. Instead, I am focusing on what I am to do with my life that will fulfill my purpose. Steve obviously fulfilled his.

It is homecoming week at Florence High School in Arizona.... homecoming week.... without their coach. Play hard for Coach, Gophers. He will most definitely be cheering you from Heaven's Game Room. There's a homecoming in heaven as well.

My name is Jenny McKinney and I will miss Steve.

Really Little House?

Why is it that Little House always has the episode I need, right when I need it? Now, not that I watch this everyday, but I do enjoy watching one series at a time, if I can help it. Today, I started Season 9. If you are a fan like me, you probably remember the episode- the one where the Ingalls have sold their home to start life over somewhere else where he can make a living to sustain his family. (Been there, done that and totally understand. Ok, maybe not sold a home, but moved away to start over for work, more than once.) Laura stops teaching so she can be a SAHM (Go Laura!) and Almonzo's brother and niece come to visit. In reality, they come to stay with the Wilder's because Almonzo'a brother is dying- of a heart condition. The doctors have done all they can to help him. There is nothing more they could do. Hmm.... this sounds familiar to me.

When I was really sick, I would watch movies or hear songs about mother's dying and just weep and weep. For the past year or so, I stopped watching and listening to those. I could not deal with it. Watching this episode today was the first time in a long time of viewing something with this subject matter (outside of doing research) so I was really curious to see how my emotions dealt with it. 

I am happy to say, I did not have to weep because I was worried about leaving my children. I did cry for that little girl on the show who lost her dad. Then, I cried for the children in this world who have already lost their parents to illness or are facing losing one now. I cried because I am grateful to be here. I cried because my emotions are a wreck still. I cried because some days, I am still a bit scared. What if my heart really is not fixed? What if this darkness of emotions does not go away? Why is it that I get to be here and those parents have to die?

Perhaps I have survivors guilt. Perhaps I just pushed myself too hard in my recovery process. Perhaps I am just really stressed out. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....

One thing I am sure of is that the message of Episode 2 came through loud and clear. Jenny (the niece whose father had died) was suffering from depression. (Hmm... name- check; emotions- check; need a kick in the pants- check) After she had attempted to drown herself and almost drowned a friend in the process, her loving Aunt Laura gave her a bit of a scolding and at the same time, gave me the scolding that I needed.It was something to the effect of, "Stop moping and look at all the blessings in the world God has granted you. You have a purpose in this life, so get out there and find it!"

Thank you Laura Ingalls Wilder, and thank you script writers, for telling me exactly what I need to hear. My heart has been healed. I am still here for a purpose. Now I need to stop moping and figure it out.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am grateful for kick in the pants and I really don't want chocolate this morning, because it is too early.

A Prayer for You.....

I see so many friends needing something I cannot give them- healing, miracles, peace- the list goes on and on. The one thing I can do is pray for them. Here is my prayer.

"How can I lift my aching heart?" I pray for answers dear
How can I feel something else to lift my worry and my fear
Then I am reminded to go and serve when I feel this way
I recall that prayer absorbs much of life's cruel pain

I see you in your time of need, much greater than my own
Have I forgotten what it's like to walk that path alone
I find I cannot yet do things like I did before
But I must help those in need, so I kneel upon the floor

I bow my head and close my eyes and offer up a prayer
To Father God, who listens close in triumph or despair
And I ask Him to lift your heart and ease your burdens now
So you may have peace you need in this moment, somehow

He gently then commands His angels to wrap you up in peace
So you may rest, so you may sleep, find comfort in your need
And with love, our Father then holds you in His hands
So you may feel secure and know the pain will someday end

Then tonight as slumber flows into the place of dreams
It is filled with a calm that comforts you and me
For when one soul is aching and needing to be still
It is a prayer of love that's said to show His love is real

 - Jenny McKinney
listen to the reading

Balancing Act

Raise your hand if you love the circus? (Yes, the one in the "Annabelle" episode of Little House counts. I loved how Laura made Manly's date run out. Ha!) I remember as a child going to a little local circus- probably like that of the "Gambini the Great" episode of Little House. (Why yes, I AM on a Little House kick right now. Thanks for asking.) It is not so much the clowns or elephants that come to mind when I think of the circus. It is that of the tight rope walker, especially when they are balancing something on a pole, head, or arms. A balancing act- isn't that what so many of us do from day to day? Balancing families, work, friends, social media (Admit it, you have to balance that too!) hobbies, etc.

When I was finally diagnosed, I became aware that I would have to balance out my day to day emotions with my heart condition. Because we were not expecting my heart to be permanently fixed, what I was not planning on was balancing my emotional state after my procedure. I know that I am still in healing mode after a 17 year (or more) battle with my heart. I understand that. What I cannot figure out is why my emotions are so fragile. Shouldn't I just be joyously jumping up and down day to day because I am going to live? I shared this with someone the other day: I am more uncertain about myself now than before my procedure. I knew what was in my future back then. Now, I do not know, thus, part of my emotional struggle.

For as long as I can remember, my life has been guided by God, almost to the point of hand holding. Now, it's as if He is saying, "Go the direction you want. You have earned that!"
    "But God," I reply, "What direction?"
    "Any direction!" He urges.
    "So are you saying I don't need You to tell me where I should be now? You are not going to guide me anymore?"
     "No, Child. I am simply saying that whatever path you choose, be it for good, I will always be right with you. However, it is your path to take now. You can take the steps on your own now. I will catch you when you fall, but I am letting you go. Time to walk, run and dance on your own."

Like any good parent, He is letting go and allowing me to soar. Like any human, I am an emotional wreck over it. I feel confused, sad, joyful, excited. I am angry one day and totally happy the next. It is a part of healing, I am sure. I am having to rediscover myself, reinvent who I desire to be. Like a tight rope walker, I am striving to balance my emotions- not on top of my head, not flipping around on a pole, but inside my heart. One thing is for sure. My heart is physically healed. Now, I just need to get it emotionally strong, unlike it has ever been before.

(This is a picture of my healed heart, drawn by my 6-year-old daughter)

I know one day, I will be able to permanently balance my emotions that come with a working heart. For now, I am happy to just be adjusting one day at a time.

My name is Jenny McKinney. My healthy heart is a balancing act and I really could use some chocolate.

A Month of Greatness

Several years ago, I wrote a song for a man who, in my eyes, is full of greatness. Everyday, he would go to visit his wife in her nursing home. Every morning, he would fix her hair and makeup how she always loved it. Every evening, he would return to get her ready for bed. He was not able to completely care for her in her late years, but he did all he could to make her happy and comfortable. After she passed away, he felt as if he had not done enough. He is the kindness, most humble man. He exudes greatness.

Today marks the one month anniversary of my heart being repaired, one month since I was told, "You no longer have ARVD. You will never need an ICD." It is hard to believe that more than four weeks have passed. As I reflect on this first month of having a fully functional heart, I have to wonder: Have I done anything to exude greatness? I have rested, rested and rested some more. I have made dinner for my family. I have written a couple of new songs and moved forward with my music career. I have told my husband and kids "I love you" more often. I have made new friends. I have helped a car accident victim. On the other hand, I have argued with my siblings. I have avoided people. I have not been as positive as I could be, as I should be. Does this equal greatness? Right now, probably not. The nice thing about this journey is I have time.

Now, knowing some of my dear friends are reading this, I know, I know. I am allowed to take time to rest and heal. And I am! (Sort of.) Knowing me, though, you should know that I still want to do something great even while resting. So today, as I have been reflecting on this past month of my life, I decided that everyday is great, as long as I make it that way. Making dinner is creating greatness, as long as it is with love. Writing new songs is creating greatness, as long as I am doing it for the sake of others, and not just to make a buck. Telling my family I love them is always creating greatness. Even the days that have had difficult moments can create greatness, as long as I am praising God for all He has given me and finding some kind of joy in the journey.

Greatness does not have to be extravagant. Greatness can be ordinary, as long as you are creating it in an extraordinary way.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I have had a month of greatness and.... chocolate.

Conquering Mountains... Almost

What makes you sparkle? This summer, as I have suffered with ARVD, had surgery and been recovering from all of it, all while moving to a new state and being in a temporary living situation with family, I have been on a search for my sparkle that I lost some time ago. I have searched in the trees, in the water, at the mall, in Idaho, and in chocolate (of course). 8 days ago, when we came across Samantha in her upside-down pickup truck, something shifted in me. (The photo was taken by Sam after her truck was turned upright.) After all the wheelings and dealings, I think I am getting close to finding my sparkle.

Let's Review: If you do not already know the story, I was going to die. Remember, I was at high risk for going into cardiac arrest. It took 16 years to be diagnosed with this heart condition and if the doctors did not do surgery on me and give me an ICD, then.... I would die. If my heart rate got over 120 bpm, it could kill me. Then, I had my miracle. The doctors fixed my heart and now.... I am going to live! Hooray!

In finding out I was going to live, I began to be more open to.... everything. I want to learn more. I want to experience more. I want to live more. However, I have to remember that even though it has been four weeks (and one day) since my hospital visit, I am still in recovery mode. I learned that the hard way when I went hiking yesterday. Oh boy, does my area of intrusion hurt! (Yes, Mom, I know you told me so. I had to try, though.) The hike was not overly difficult, but when you have recently had doctors send foreign objects into your veins and heart, you tend to feel it when using muscles you do not use everyday.

On this hike, my youngest boy and I stuck together. We liked to keep the slower pace because I am technically still in recovery and he is not much of a hiker. We would set a goal, make it to that goal, rest for a minute, then start all over again.
"Mom, I can't go anymore," he would express to me.
"Yes, you can! Let's just get to the tree (or stone, or marker) then we can rest. You can set the next goal after that," I would tell him. "You can do it!" Encouraging him to do this way the only way I could help him not quit the hike. He kept going. I kept going. We were going to do this thing!

When we were about to the top of the mountain, we stopped for our (hopefully) last rest. From where we were, we could see the Great Salt Lake. With total exhaustion, and nerves from the height, he sweetly said to me, "Mom, I just cannot go any farther." I reassured him that I was very proud of him for making it as far as he did and that I would finish the hike for both of us. He stayed at the lookout point, which alone was impressive to me, because it was rather high up. By then, my pain was not too bad, so I thought I could keep going. I went a little bit farther, just where the path curved and we had to climb over some small boulders, and then saw the drop-off. Immediately, I felt a panic attack setting in.

B-Man and I are both severely afraid of heights. I get nervous just climbing on a ladder. I get nervous taking the glass elevator up two floors at the local library. Hiking to the top of a mountain (or foothill in this case) was fine.... until I saw the drop. I knew that if I pushed my pain in my groin area, plus had a panic attack at the top, I would not make it down very easily. My husband and our teen son already had our 6-year-old girl, plus our dog, at the top. They did not need Baby Me to be up there, just to panic. I really wanted to do it, though. Truly. I wanted to finish for B-Man, who did the best he could. I wanted to do it for me, to celebrate my one-month mark of my new life. I really, really wanted to finish. So, I took one more step and... turned around. I came down the path, toward my youngest boy... and I was in tears.
"Mom, are you crying?" he kindly asked.
"Yes..... I have failed you, Buddy. I couldn't make it to the top. I am so sorry. I just couldn't do it. I have failed," I cried to my young son.
"Oh Mom," he replied. "You have not failed. You made it to the next goal. You kept going as far as you could. It's ok, Mom. I am proud of you. You did not fail."

He hugged me. B-Man rarely hugs anyone. I get a hug a day, because I am his mom. Even then, it is more like a pat on the back. Because of his autism and sensory struggles, he cannot handle physical touch. A hug at this point was so needed to comfort my own disappointed heart.
"C'mon, Mom. Let's beat them all down the trail," he encouraged. We began walking down the trail. Suddenly, I heard Miss B (age 6) yell, "Mom! I did it! I made it to the top! I conquered my fear of heights, Mom! Yeah!" she yelled with a fist pump from the top of the peak. There she was with Daddy, Big Brother and her awesome self. How could I not be proud? (The picturesque view is from the top of the Peak. Credit Salt Lake Magazine.)

B-Man stayed by me much of the way down the trail. I had to stop often, as going downhill was much harder on the area of invasion in my groin area... much harder. At one point, I began to tear up again and my sweetheart asked me what was wrong. I explained to him about not making it to the top. He lovingly told me I went really far and I should be proud of myself for what I had accomplished. I said, "Yes, but it is like making it to the 99th stair out of 100 and turning back."
"But at least you made it up 99," was his kind reply. Sigh. I love my men.

B-Man and I have set a goal that one day we will conquer this small mountain- together. On that day, he told me, is the day he conquers his fear of heights. I cannot wait to be with him and do it together.

As my one month anniversary to my new life approaches, I am learning that healing takes place in all shapes, sizes and mountains. Sometimes, I can conquer hills, sometimes it is mountains, but as long as I am continually moving forward, my body will be whole again when it is time. I am learning a lot about setting and accomplishing goals, conquering fears, and the amazing love of my family. My heart was not working properly for a very long time. It has really been only a few days that it has been repaired. I need to cut myself some slack and just do the best I can as I go through this process. In that, I am finding my sparkle.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am conquering mountains so who wouldn't want chocolate?

Testing My Heart: Responding First

Labor Day Weekend.... for many it is a time for bbq's, camping, and last minute swimming. For our family, it was a quick trip back to Nampa, ID to gather needed items out of storage, visit friends, get our dog back from our friends' care, and be first responders at the scene of a car accident.

In the early hours of Sunday morning, with barely a car on the road, our family was headed westbound between Twin Falls and Mountain Home, ID. We were just approaching mile marker 149 when we saw a large plume of dust from the sloping, tumbleweed filled median. Immediately, my husband say the vehicle that had crashed, and without hesitation he pulled to the side of the road. The pickup was at the base of the sloped median, facing west, upside down. The cab was crushed all the way down. Speedily, my eldest son and I both threw our shoes on. As my hubby, Milo, and my eldest, Tylan, and I all threw open our car doors, I yelled to the other three to stay in the car and pray for those in the accident. The three of us raced to the impact site. Across the highway, about 30 yards away, a trucker had pulled his semi over and was running to aide the victim as well. We got to the smashed up vehicle about the same time.

Milo could get no cell signal, except that of the emergency one. It was enough. As he spoke to the emergency dispatch, Trucker (as I will call him, since I never got his name), Tylan and I tried to figure out if anyone was alive in the truck. The damage was severe; certainly the injuries would be as well. We called out, "Hello? Can you hear us?" Nothing. "Hello? Can anyone hear us?" After what seemed like an eternity of holding my breath, we finally heard a faint response, "Yes, I can hear you." Praise God. They were alive. I began asking questions. First: How may of you are there? "Just me," she responded. As Tylan and Trucker began looking for a way to get her out, and Milo was on the phone, we noticed there was debris scattered everywhere. Realizing there was no way we were going to get her out without help, Tylan and Trucker began collecting her belongings that were strewn about and I went and crouched next to the passenger side where she could hear me better.
 
     "Sweetie, what's your name?" I implored.
     "Samantha," she responded calmly.
     "Samantha, I'm Jenny."
     "Nice to meet you." Great! She has a sense of humor. We were going to get through this.
     "Samantha, don't move. Help is on their way. We are going to get you out of there."
      "Ok, thank you."
      "Samantha, how old are you?"
      "24."
      "Ok, Sam. I am 36 so I am going to play the role of big sister."
      "Sounds good." I smiled. She was conscious. She was calm. She was being cooperative.
      "Sam, can you feel your toes?" Although I have no real medical training beyond basic first aid as a teenager, I had watched enough real-life emergency and fictional emergency shows over the years. I knew this was a critical question to determine the state of her being.
      "Yes. I can feel everything. I can move my toes. I was wearing my seat belt. I took it off." She then attempted to reach her hand through the 3 inch gap between the door and the ground. She maneuvered her face so she could see me. I could see one eye and the blood covering her face. We made eye contact. I smiled. She moved again so I could no longer see her.
     Tylan and Trucker continued to look for her items in between moment of checking on the situation. Milo was still taking to Emergency Services. I kept talking to Sam. I asked her where she was headed. She was going to Mountain Home to start a new job in a couple of weeks.
     "Where will you be working?" She explained to me she would be working at a bounce house- one of those places where kids come to jump on the blow up houses and slides.
     "So you will get to work with kids! Do you like children?"
     "I love children," she responded. I smiled again. I asked her if she has any of her own. She does not. Just as Tylan and Trucker were finishing gathering her items, she asked me, "Did you happen to see my cell phone? I need to call my dad. He is gonna be so mad. This is his truck." Tylan and Trucker went in search for her cell phone while Sam and I continued to talk. She was unbelievably calm. I was unbelievably calm.

Tylan found the cell and slipped it to her. Trapped inside the crushed cab of a truck, this young lady called her dad.
     "Dad, it's Sam. You are going to be mad. I was in an accident...... Yeah, I'm ok." Then nothing.
     "Sam, did you reach your dad?" I inquired.
     "Yeah, but then my phone went dead." Oh boy. As a parent, I can imagine the stress of that call: Hearing your child was in an accident, then the line goes dead. Not knowing where it happened or how serious the injuries are would be the worst.

I left Sam for a minute so we could do some figuring. We were not able to pry the doors open to see if she could crawl out. The nearest main town with a emergency vehicles was about 20 miles away, and although it had only been a few minutes since the accident, it seemed like it was taking forever for them to get there. Just then, a truck pulled up. Because he had the little white flashing light on the sides of his hood, we assumed he was in the line of service, perhaps an off duty police officer. Large in stature and wearing a bright orange, long sleeve shirt, he walked onto the scene without identifying himself, and attempted to take charge of the scene. We told him what we knew. He went to ask Samantha the same questions I already had shared the answers to. Then, he asked if anyone had a crowbar. He was going to pry the doors open. Trucker ran to his truck to see if he had one. Huh. So... the emergency dispatcher on the phone was telling Milo to not pry the doors open, to let the Fire Department do it because we could not risk injuring her further with a possible neck injury. Yet, the assumed off duty officer was going to just stroll up and what... get her out? Interesting.

I went to check on Sam. There was no response. I was a bit worried.
     "Sam? Sam, can you hear me?" Nothing. I tried again. "Sam, do you hear me?"
     Then there was a muffled, "Yeah, I hear you." What was going on? Where was she? It's not like she could go anywhere.
     Then, Big Man Orange Shirt suddenly said from the driver's side, "Hold on! Don't move!" It seems that Courageous Samantha decided she had enough of being trapped. I ran to the other side of the truck and there, just like in "The Wizard of Oz" were two shoes sticking out from underneath the house truck. Although we tried to convince her to not move, Sam began wiggling her body out from a gap between the door and the ground, no more than 7 inches big! She just wiggled and shimmied until her whole body was out. The EMT's were not even there yet and she made her way out of the truck. Unbelievable! Big Man Orange Shirt and I told her to just sit still against the truck, although she wanted to get up and move. She had a large gash above her right eye, along with a huge goose egg. She had blood and dirt matted in her hair. Her face and teeth were covered with blood, but she had no broken bones to speak of and she was alive!
Milo was finally off the phone and took the position to wave down the emergency vehicles as they arrived. Depending on what side of the highway they were on, they may not have seen the accident right away. The first emergency vehicle was just pulling up when Big Man Orange Shirt decided to make his exit. Weird. Wonder who he was. Emergency Man #1 with big, thick welding-type gloves on, was hurrying over from his truck when Tylan and I yelled she was out. Trucker came running from the other direction at that moment with a crowbar when we told him the same thing. They both slowed down.
     "She's out? Is she ok?" yelled Gloved Helper.
     "She's ok," I yelled back.
     "Can I get something to blow my nose?" Samantha inquired. "Maybe wipe my face?" I don't blame her. She had blood all over her face, running in her eyes and into her mouth.
     "The next vehicle that comes will have that," Gloved Helper responded. Apparently not all emergency vehicles have basics in their car like tissues or wipes. I wish our van had been closer to go get her something. As it was, Tylan had gone up to check on his siblings and let them know she was ok, Milo was flagging down the next approaching emergency vehicle and Trucker was just standing by to see where he would be needed. Sam got her phone out and called her dad again. At least she was staying put, leaning against the truck.

Emergency Man #2 came down the hill and we could see the ambulance coming down the road. They were asking what had happened and she readily admitted she fell asleep at the wheel. As they were surmising the scene, Sam was on the phone still and I could see she was beginning to shiver.
     "Sam, are you cold?" I asked her.
     "Yeah, I am a little cold," she replied with a shaky voice. Shock.
     "Do you have a blanket?" Milo had to prompt the EMT. Emergency Man #2 (aka Blanket Man) went to get one. As he was coming back to the scene, I told him she had shimmied herself out. He chuckled and said that was a very good sign. As Sam continued to talk to her dad on the phone, Gloved Helper and Blanket Man were covering her up with the blanket.
     "Sam, they need to take care of you. Can I talk to your dad? Let me talk to him while they help you," I urged her as I reached out for her phone. She told her dad she would call him back and she ended the call. As the EMT's treated her, I got her number and said I would call her in a couple of days. Would that be ok?
     "Sure," she said. Her words began to slur as she told me the number. Shock was really setting in.
The ambulance pulled up. We knew she was in good hands.


The EMT's thanked us for our help. We said goodbye to the young lady whose life was spared. We bid farewell to Trucker- a good man on his way to make a drop in Salt Lake City. Quietly, we walked away, each of us reflecting on the event that just happened.

As I have reflected this weekend on the miracle it was for that young woman to crawl away from that accident, I am in awe. I am in awe that her injuries were not more severe. I am in awe that we were able to be at that precise place at the precise time to help someone in need. The roads were practically barren early on a Sunday morning. There were no other cars that stopped until the EMT's had arrived and even then, only one. I am in awe that as human beings, most of us have a divine drive to stop and help when we see someone in that kind of need. I am in awe that my heart allowed me to race down a hill, to help in an emergency situation and not spiral out of control with crazy rates, as it would have done before. I am in awe that we can reach out to others and together create greatness out of goodness.

I will call Sam today, just as I promised. I know she will be ok.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am in awe and I really want some chocolate.

Update: Sam got herself out of the passenger side of the car, not the driver's side. Also, I just spoke with her on the phone. She is doing well, except for being a little sore. She had no major injuries that showed in her scans at the hospital. Not even a concussion! We agree that she was definitely being watched out for. I am so grateful for this happy ending!