Thy Years Shall Not Be Numbered Less

Today was a tender day. Ironically enough, I attended a funeral in which I came away understanding that my days that were once numbered no longer are to be numbered less.

I am reminded of the story of Lazarus in the New Testament.  Although He already knew beforehand that Lazarus had died, and even though He knew Lazarus would soon arise, when Jesus got to His friend's side, "Jesus wept..... Behold how He loved him!" (John 11: 35-36) 

Oh, how I loved my friend! Oh, how I love his wife and children! I know that one day, we will all see him again, yet in that moment, we did weep, still weep for the loss of him. Because we love him.

While holding the hand of Steve's darling mother, and as we cried together, we quietly talked of how the Lord must really need great missionaries at this time on the other side. We discussed how Steve is one of the greatest. Then, in a moment of deep grief, I broke down and shared with her about my heart and how I have moments of survivor's guilt that he left and I am still here. (Isn't it interesting how those of us that go to comfort the family members are usually the ones uplifted? I saw that many times today.) Sister McKane shared with me something she remembered from the scriptures. She talked about how those of us that are still here are not yet done with our mortal missions and that is why we are left behind. I have found three references that I think she was referring to.

In Doctrine and Covenants 122:9 it says: "Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less." Then in D&C 121:25 it says: "For there is a time appointed for every man, according as his works shall be." The last is in Job 7:1 "Is there not an appointed time to man upon earth?"

For those of us left behind, it is not our time to go! We still have work to do! Finding out that purpose and fulfilling it is part of our mortal journey. For Steve, it was to guide these young men to believe in something better than they ever imagine. It was about helping them reach their potential, even their Divine potential.

During that hour of grieving, I learned something about my heart. I realized that one of the reasons that I have been more sensitive, and feeling everything deeper than before, is because my heart works now! I do not have to struggle with my emotions, I can just feel them! I can laugh, cry, mourn, rejoice and live without the endless worry of my heart missing beats, adding extra beats, or my heart just... stopping. As much as I loved others before this journey to healing began, I can love that much more! When I need to weep for my Lazarus friends, it is a blessing! When I feel the need to giggle with my older brother because of the remarkable changes he has made in his life, I can! And when I desire to run, dance, sleep, dream, or just relax, I can just... be, and I will rejoice and be glad in it!

One of my oldest and dearest friends wrote on my Facebook wall: "You are no longer the girl with the mysterious heart issue. Your identity was wrapped up in that label for so long that you are now struggling with moving forward without that label that you hated but at the same time became a part of you. You will find yourself again. There is beauty all around you. You were afraid of experiencing true joy because you were afraid of losing it. Feel joy. See the beauty now with hope, not fear. I love you."

I am ready to embrace that beauty! I am ready to love! For the first time in the lives of my children and my 17 years of marriage, I am ready to use this heart as the Lord would have me do. Because I do have today, I am finally ready, and able, to live!

My name is Jenny McKinney and I am ready to LIVE! (PS- I already had my chocolate!)

The Light Will Come

My heart shall not weep for long with the kind of love I feel today from each of you. I am so humbled and so grateful for the dozens of comments, virtual hugs and love notes left on Facebook, on here and in my inbox. Thank you for allowing me to reach out to you. Thank you for reaching back and loving me, in spite of my imperfections. Thank you for the prayers, your concerns and the offers of chocolate.

This scripture passage from 1 Kings 3 really hits home today.
12 Behold, I have done according to thy words: lo, I have given thee a wise and an understanding heart; so that there was none like thee before thee, neither after thee shall any arise like unto thee.
14 And if thou wilt walk in my ways, to keep my statutes and my commandments, as thy father David did walk, then I will lengthen thy days.

There never has been another like me and there will never be another like me (or you). How cool is that? Each of us are so unique and different there will never be another in the world like you. There is even a passage about it in the scriptures, it is so important to understand this!

My days are lengthened for a reason! Yesterday, while at church, I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting and just could not keep my emotions in check. The opening song had words that hit to my core. Then, the gentleman who offered the invocation said something to the effect of, "Bless those with broken hearts that they may be healed through Thee." Oh boy! That did me in. Within a minute of that prayer, I was in the Ladies Room, sobbing up a storm. While I was locked in the stall, thankfully alone at the time, I stood and leaned against the door, weeping, praying and weeping some more. I finally asked God the one question I had not asked since my surgery: Why didn't you let me die? Oh the peace that overcame my soul in that moment, however brief. Because you still have a great work to do came the response. >deep breath<

Woah. Hold the phone. Still have? So, bringing four very incredible children into this world is not my great work? The musical about one of the greatest women ever, that I spent years working on, that hundreds have seen, is not my great work? The prison ministry I began is not my great work? What in the world is my great work?

Do you know what? Right now, that does not even matter. Right now, in my life, what matters is that I literally feel angels of Love and Light passing on your love to me and my aching soul. Right now, what matters is that I know I am not walking this alone. Others have gone through this same journey and they understand. That by itself is comforting. Truly. Right now, what matters is that I know the Lord is aware of my current struggle and He is not going to leave me alone to figure it out. He has sent an outpouring of love to get me through this so one day, I can accomplish my great work- whatever that may be.

Right now, for the first time in a very long time, I feel hope. Real hope. Nearly tangible. I feel hope that angels are attending me, and many of those angels I can "friend." I feel hope that I will be able to figure out what the Lord has in store for me, why He has allowed me to live a long life in good health. I feel hope that although I may have dark days ahead, the light will come. Thank you for that.

My name is Jenny McKinney. For the first time in (seemingly) forever, I feel hope and .... I am going to go have some chocolate. Hot chocolate. Because I really want some.

Out of Darkness....

I had this big, long blog post written up. I just deleted it. I will summarize for you. I am struggling. I am fighting a darkness and a sadness that I never imagined would exist after being told my heart is better. I have felt supported and loved by only a very small fraction of those who have claimed to care. I am sad. I am depressed. There. I said it. Many people have made comments to me that I must be so happy now that I am "all better." Guess what? I am not. My emotions are a mess, although I have been hiding it from nearly everyone but my hubby. I am doing all I can to fight the "this is way more than baby blues" blues, however, this is not leaving. Not soon enough for me, anyway.

Many people assume I am fine, because my heart has been mended. Physically it has been mended, but it is still healing. The problems did not suddenly cease because the procedure went well. I still have had dizzy spells. I still have had chest pain. I am still exhausted. It is less, but it is still there, as my heart tries to become what it needs to be.

I told you from Day One I was going to be real, so here it is: I want out of this darkness. I want to be in the light. I ask for your prayers, positive vibes, juju, and any other good feelings you can send my way. The one way I know how to get through any trial is with a lot of love. I am reaching out to you, asking for that love now. I need it.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am sad and it really is too early for chocolate.

Two Months of Healing with Love

It is hard to believe that two months ago today I was being pumped full of adrenaline to see if my heart would go into cardiac arrest after my procedure. Two months ago today I was supposed to get an ICD implant, but did not. Two months ago today the doctor told me I would be fine and I would never have to get one. Two months ago today, because of the prayers and fasting of so many of you, my heart is repaired and I am on my way to living a full life, instead of a preparing for a life that was going to be very shortened. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and humbled by the miracle I was granted two months ago today.

In the past little week or two, I have had a bit of nervousness as I began having some dizzy spells again. Although I have not yet asked my doctor about it, I know it is because, according to others, I have been doing what I do best- OVERdoing it! Yes, I have been lovingly reprimanded by loved ones. I know! I am healing! I need to rest! However.....

Tell me, though, dear readers, if I rest all the time, who is going to mother my four children? Who is going to homeschool the younger ones? Who is going to do all the SAHM tasks that need doing if I do not do it? All of you mothers know that moms cannot stay down even when she wants to. I am a mom and I have been taking my responsibilities seriously. I have children and a husband that do their part and even some of my part, but still... I am a mother and there are just some things that only a mother can do. Like kiss the boo-boo's all better. Like spontaneously bake cookies for the kid who needs some serious cheering up. Like putting away that last but of laundry that only mother sees did not make it into the drawers. Like wipe the jelly off the table because no one else feels the stickiness when they put their arms on the table. Like taking them on a field trip to Temple Square for school.

Tell me, who else is going to wake up at 6 am to write the song about a friend who has just died because the music woke you up? Who else is going to email the friend to see how they are doing with a trial only you know about? Who else is going to sit in the ER for three hours with their son for a finger that has been sliced open? Who else is going to help him change the bandages on his finger everyday so it does not get infected? Who else is going to brush the hair of a little girl that only allows Mommy to do it because Mommy can work through the tangles without the pain? Who else is going to reach through the walled up emotions of the autistic child when only Mommy is allowed to hold his hand when he is hurting? Who else is going to do these things?

It may seem to some that I am overdoing it. Perhaps I am. What I see, though, is that I am doing exactly what the Lord has allowed me to do- live my life. I do not seek out these things to do. It just comes with the territory. I am resting as much as I can. Truly, I am healing the best I know how, surrounded by love and goodness. That is all I can do- live with love.


My name is Jenny McKinney. I am two months into my healing process and I seriously want some chocolate.

Homecoming in Heaven

Shock. Sadness. Grief. Friend. These are the words that come to mind this morning as my husband and I mourn a beloved friend. Football Coach Steve McKane passed away yesterday due to a heart attack. He was 38 years old... and healthy. He leaves behind his superstar wife (and cancer survivor) Kami, and their three young boys.

For whatever reason, the Lord allowed my not-so-great heart to keep going but my healthy, football coach of a friend..... his heart just stopped. Truly, it was him time to go, yet it does not make it any easier those of us left behind.

Oh how we wish we could jump in our car and drive to AZ for the funeral services. Oh how I wish I could embrace MyKami and cry with her. Steve is her sweetheart, her forever love. My hearts weeps for her loss.

I have lost many friends in this life, some through illness but many unexpected. Not all of them have been this painful. Last night, as I wept in my sweetheart's arms, I wondered why this particular loss is hitting me so hard. He shared the insight, "Maybe it's because this is what we could have faced."

Could have. Not are. Could have.

After learning the hard way to not question the Lord's decisions, it is taking everything in my will power to not question why He would allow me to stay but take our friend home. Instead, I am focusing on what I am to do with my life that will fulfill my purpose. Steve obviously fulfilled his.

It is homecoming week at Florence High School in Arizona.... homecoming week.... without their coach. Play hard for Coach, Gophers. He will most definitely be cheering you from Heaven's Game Room. There's a homecoming in heaven as well.

My name is Jenny McKinney and I will miss Steve.

Really Little House?

Why is it that Little House always has the episode I need, right when I need it? Now, not that I watch this everyday, but I do enjoy watching one series at a time, if I can help it. Today, I started Season 9. If you are a fan like me, you probably remember the episode- the one where the Ingalls have sold their home to start life over somewhere else where he can make a living to sustain his family. (Been there, done that and totally understand. Ok, maybe not sold a home, but moved away to start over for work, more than once.) Laura stops teaching so she can be a SAHM (Go Laura!) and Almonzo's brother and niece come to visit. In reality, they come to stay with the Wilder's because Almonzo'a brother is dying- of a heart condition. The doctors have done all they can to help him. There is nothing more they could do. Hmm.... this sounds familiar to me.

When I was really sick, I would watch movies or hear songs about mother's dying and just weep and weep. For the past year or so, I stopped watching and listening to those. I could not deal with it. Watching this episode today was the first time in a long time of viewing something with this subject matter (outside of doing research) so I was really curious to see how my emotions dealt with it. 

I am happy to say, I did not have to weep because I was worried about leaving my children. I did cry for that little girl on the show who lost her dad. Then, I cried for the children in this world who have already lost their parents to illness or are facing losing one now. I cried because I am grateful to be here. I cried because my emotions are a wreck still. I cried because some days, I am still a bit scared. What if my heart really is not fixed? What if this darkness of emotions does not go away? Why is it that I get to be here and those parents have to die?

Perhaps I have survivors guilt. Perhaps I just pushed myself too hard in my recovery process. Perhaps I am just really stressed out. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps....

One thing I am sure of is that the message of Episode 2 came through loud and clear. Jenny (the niece whose father had died) was suffering from depression. (Hmm... name- check; emotions- check; need a kick in the pants- check) After she had attempted to drown herself and almost drowned a friend in the process, her loving Aunt Laura gave her a bit of a scolding and at the same time, gave me the scolding that I needed.It was something to the effect of, "Stop moping and look at all the blessings in the world God has granted you. You have a purpose in this life, so get out there and find it!"

Thank you Laura Ingalls Wilder, and thank you script writers, for telling me exactly what I need to hear. My heart has been healed. I am still here for a purpose. Now I need to stop moping and figure it out.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am grateful for kick in the pants and I really don't want chocolate this morning, because it is too early.