Things Are Different Now

I am 37 years old and my life has just begun. Many days, I feel I am infantile in my learning process, which is rightly so; this life is all about gaining wisdom and knowledge but it's length is but the blink of an eye in the eternal perspective. I like to think that my 20's were my growing up years and my 30's are my years to gain wisdom. What will my 40's hold?

Things are different now. It has only been in the past few weeks that I have begun to realize how much I have learned since my heart was restored 10 months ago. Last night, as my mother-in-law was visiting from out of state and, along with her mother, we discussed some thoughts on mothering and parenting, I could almost hear what these wonderful ladies were thinking, "Jenny finally gets it! She has finally grown up." I nearly called them out on thinking those things, but decided to just leave it alone. One thing I have noticed since my heart was declared strong and healthy is how much I see things differently now... how much more life means to me.

Things are different now. The struggle of being a healthy mom has been more difficult than I thought it would be. As I have shared here, I have walked a road of feeling lost in who I am. It was almost easy when I was dying, because I knew what I had to get done. Yet... why not do those things still? I want to help my children to their chores. I want to homeschool! I want to teach them right from wrong! Everyday, I look at my children and husband with this deep, abiding love. in awe, I wonder that if I can love them so deeply, how much greater is the love of our Savior and Father in Heaven for these souls. How can a love be greater than that of a mother? If it is the love of our Creators, then it is so.

Things are different now. I still do not have my energy restored to 100% capacity. That will still take some time. What I do have is my ability to love reaching beyond depths I never imagined. What if, when my heart was fixed, God placed in it more love than I could experience before? Perhaps in my physical healing, a spiritual healing took place, one where the Atonement was truly procured by a soul, my soul, that I did not even realize was aching.

Things are different now. All I want to do is love, serve, create. Before, I looked for reasons to be angry, to feed an unhappiness that resulted from poor self-esteem I did not even realize I struggled with. Now, I desire to keep this smile on my face all the time. Do I lose my temper? Yep! Now I am quicker to apologize and ask forgiveness. Do I make mistakes? All the time! Yet, my desire to change and be better comes from opening my heart and receiving the Grace of God rather than "just doing the right thing".

Things are different now. Now I am willing to learn from my mistakes; I am willing to feel the Love and Grace of God; I am willing to allow my heart to love in ways it would not have before. The more I love, the more I serve, the more I count my blessings, the more my heart loves, grows, functions in ways unknown to Man.

Yes, things are different now and for this, I am grateful.

My name is Jenny McKinney. Things are different. I am different .... and I already had chocolate today.