WARNING: A Bit of a Personal Entry

USE CAUTION!! Today's post is a bit... personal.  I know, I know- this whole blog is personal! This post, however, is not something I would normally share outside of a conversation with very close girlfriends or with my husband.  Since it directly relates to my healing from ARVD, I felt it pertinent to share. If you do not like talk about female related issues, then please feel free to stop reading now.

Sometime during all of the testing I had, I asked one of the medical staff (not sure of their job title) if what was happening with my heart could be related to (here comes the super personal, female related subject) my menstrual cycle every month... because for years I have been passing blood clots with each one. Many blood clots. These have been anywhere from the size of a quarter to the size of a baseball. No, I never had it checked out, bc as you may have learned about me already, I do not go to the doctor generally speaking. I wondered if the messed up rhythm of my heart was somehow causing me to form clots. She did not know but said we could ask. It never came up again.

Now, as my cycle for this month is passing the time I would normally pass clots, I have to wonder:  How does the heart effect a woman's reproductive flow of things? Since our heart is the organ responsible for pumping blood through our bodies, would it stand to reason that if we had the appropriate blood flow a woman's body would not have some of the struggles it has? Heavy bleeding, cramping, etc. caused at time by Endometriosis or some other woman's dis-ease? If our hearts worked properly, does it reduce problems in other areas of our bodies? Several years ago, it was discovered that my father's blood was too thick to circulate properly through his body. When the problem was corrected, he began to function much better emotionally and physically. Could the same go for women and their cycles? (I know some of you are science whiz's and may already know this, but I am not one and I am only discovering this after my own experiences with ARVD.)

You see, this month, since my heart has been restored, my cycle has no longer been filed with blood clots! This is the first time for as long as I can remember having them that they have not formed! In addition to that, there has been less cramping. And believe me.... I had some serious cramping my whole womanly life! I have never been check for Endo, but it is highly hereditary among the women in my family and chances are, I have struggled with it. In addition to the blood issue, my skin is no longer dry as it has been much of my life, but moist. Not oily, but moist! With these changed in my body, I can conclude that fixing the issue of my heart = a better everything!!

I am excited to see what other changes are in store. If my facial skin can become moist and my menstrual cycles can become more manageable, then who knows what will happen? Maybe one day, I can rule the world! Mwahahaha!! (Evil Laugh)

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am feeling excited about life and I really want some chocolate!!

"I Don't Need No Doctor...."

cel·e·brate

ˈseləˌbrāt

verb

verb: celebrate; 3rd person present: celebrates; gerund or present participle: celebrating; past tense: celebrated; past participle: celebrated

1.

publicly acknowledge (a significant or happy day or event) with a social gathering or enjoyable activity.

 

 

HOORAY!!  Today is the two week mark of having my heart fixed.  Time to celebrate life, right?  Of COURSE.... well.... maybe.  Saturday evening, my hubby and I were at an event for the Utah Music Association.  There were hula lessons (it was a luau) and of course live music.  Since I passed my 10 day mark to "get back to normal" I decided to do it in style!  I did a really fun dance called the "Hookie Lau" with my lady friends.  It was exhilarating getting back into the swing of things!  I have not been able to do that much movement with my body for quite some time.  Later in the evening, there was a live band so of course I grabbed a couple of my girlfriends and..... danced even more.  The first words to the first song are, "I don't need no doctor..." Does that hit the mark or what??  Oh, to be ALIVE again!!  Oh to CELEBRATE LIFE!!! 

It was exactly what I needed to feel restored..... until yesterday. 
I woke up and thought I would be fine.  As the day wore on, I began to have so much pain in the veins the procedure was done in, that I thought I was going to have permanent nerve damage.  After attending church, taking pain reliever during that time, then having a long nap after church, I still was not doing any better.  It took a long night of dreaming about all kinds of people dying almost constantly to wake up feeling better.  (Ironic, huh?)  Today, my points of entry feel better but my emotions from the crazy dreams do not!!

Lesson learned:  If we take a chance at something worth risking we may have regrets, but we will have even more if we do not.  I am grateful I made those memories.  For that, I have no regrets.

My name is Jenny McKinney and I may not need no doctor but I sure do need a bit more rest.... and chocolate!!

Good to be Alive

A new heart friend (and a kindred soul sister) shared this song with me yesterday.  It is my new theme song.  It suits how I feel so perfectly.  I am just SO GRATEFUL and it is SO Good to be Alive!!

Liar, Liar- are Your Pants on Fire?

Are you the kind of person that sees a miracle for what it is or are you one who only believes if it is convenient for you?  I am in the first category.  I have seen too many to deny them, whether they are my own or belong to someone else.

I am writing this post for a few reasons. 
1- I want you to know that I still have very real struggles in my life.
2- So people will realize what happened to me was not a life-fixer, but a life-saver
3- To help you see to not waste your time on the people who create toxicity in your life.  Celebrate life with those who support you, believe you (and the doctors) and believe in you.  It is they that truly matter.

The heart struggles are still very real in that it has only been 10 days since the doctors saved my life.  I am still sore.  I am still bruised.  I am still tired.  Everyday, I get better and better and I know one day, I will be completely whole again.  I look forward to that day.  I look forward to everyday, for that matter. 

You have heard my heart story, but there is more to it.  Without going into great detail, I will say this past week, I was accused of making up my heart condition.  The accusation came from someone I used to be very close to, but due circumstances in our late teens, that tie had to be broken.  We only recently made contact again and have worked on mending our relationship.  Now, I have chosen to severe those ties again.  This is not because I cannot forgive.  It is because I will not stand to be called a liar.  Because I was heart healthy in my youth, it was assumed I always have been.  Obviously this is not true.  ARVD is real.  I had it.  I could show all the medical records and hospital bills from the past 16 years, but really, what good will that do when I am not believed anyway? 


It reminds me of stories in the scriptures when people asked Jesus to prove He was God.  They would take the attitude of, "Prove it to me and I will believe you."  That is not faith, folks.  You might as well say He is a liar.  He knows who He is and if someone chooses to not believe Him, that is their problem and not His.  This is how I feel.  I cannot make everyone believe that I am truthful in my story, but I am.  I have a dozen or more doctors and hundreds of people who have witnessed the heart struggles I've had- the arrhythmia, the dizzy spells, the passing out.  I was told from early on not to have children, or I could die, although the docs did not know exactly why.  Now we do.  Do you want to be the one to convince my children that their mom has faked her illness their whole lives?  I did not think so. 

I speak the truth.  My heart was broken.  Now it is fixed.  What the doctors were able to do (combined with the other two factors- I call it the Triple Threat)  did not fix my life, but it definitely saved it.  I still have financial struggles with my hubby.  I still have a boy with Asperger's and ADHD.  I still have a little girl who desperately wants her own room again.  I still am living with family and not yet in our own home.  I still have bills to pay.  I still have people who do not like me.  I still make mistakes.  But.... my heart does not skip beats all day long.  I no longer pass out.  I am able to drive again.  I am able to exercise again.  My heart can race and I will not die from it. 

Dr. B and his team saved me.  I. Am. Alive. 

It is all right to let go of those who only bring you down.  You are not here to please them.  You are here to reach your divine potential.  So celebrate!  Go out and find a friend that lifts you up and helps you laugh!  Sing while in the shower!  Dance in the rain with your kids!  Fill your life with joy, happiness and light!!  Those who can bring these feelings into your life are the ones you want to continue on with.  Keep smiling and always remember who you are. 

I took several pictures tonight- ones that would prove I actually did get a series of tests ran (again) and as a result of the findings I did end up getting a heart procedure in the hospital.  I wanted to "prove" something in the off chance that the non-believers read this entry.  I have decided, however, that it will do no good.  It is a battle I choose to not fight.  My life is fully blessed with people who love me, enrich my soul and most of all.... who believe me.  For me, that is enough. 

My name is Jenny McKinney.  My pants are not on fire and I really want some chocolate.

It Takes Time

"It takes time to recuperate."  This is a phrase I have been reminded of daily for the past week.  Today marks the one week anniversary of my procedure.  I truly thought I would be more recovered by now.  Yesterday, I made dinner for my family.  Today, I went shopping for about three hours and.... it just about did me in.  My heart has been racing and just an hour ago it was racing so badly I would have been dead, had I not gotten the procedure done.  A little concerned, I began doing research on post-ablation symptoms.  Once again, I have learned something new.

First, I read the list of risks in getting the procedure done.  Of course, the risk was much greater had I not (as in cardiac arrest) but let's say I am grateful that I did not read the list prior to going in.  Here is what I read:

Catheter ablation is considered safe.

It has some serious risks, but they are rare. They include:

• Stroke.
• Heart attack.
• Puncture of the heart.
• Need for emergency heart surgery.
• Problems with the pulmonary vein.
• A leaking blood vessel.
• Nerve damage that causes paralysis of the diaphragm.
• Pericarditis.
• Cardiac tamponade.
• Atrio-esophageal fistula. In this life-threatening condition, a hole forms between the heart's upper chamber and the esophagus.
• Bleeding.
• New heart rhythm problems.
• Death (very rare). 

WOWZAH!!  See why I am grateful I did not read it first?  Oy!!  Talk about scary.  I always laugh when they say "death" then add that is is very rare.  Hehe.  Well, good to know I only might die!! 

(It kind of reminds me when I have volunteered at the prisons in Boise, ID the past three years with my women's choir.  With the paperwork we sign, it has a list of guidelines.  The first is something along the lines of: I understand that by going into the prison, I am putting myself at risk for injury or being held hostage.  Haha!  No worries there!)

Back to what I have learned.  It is very normal, actually, to still feel like you are going into tachycardia, then it mellows off after a few minutes.  This is as a result of the adrenaline that was pumped into my body while I was under anesthesia.  My body is just trying to work it out of my system.  Weakness and pain around the heart is normal as well.  "Jenny!  They were inside your heart, burning it!  Of course it is going to hurt!"  This is what I have to keep reminding myself.... or my mother and hubby will.  Haha!  I just want to be 100% again.  I want it to be two months from now where my heart is back to  finally working how it should.  Patience.  I just need patience.  Haha!!  It takes time and I have time, so I will take it. 

The best advice I read from one person who has been through this is, "completely normal - your heart's been through trauma and it may take some time to heal - some of us depending on what was done; can take up to 6 months for it to completely heal and the full effects of an ablation to work
take it easy and let yourself heal and try not to be too anxious"

Oh.... take it easy??  Let myself heal?  Sigh.  All right.  I guess I will. 

My name is Jenny and I will heal.  I really do not want any chocolate..... because I just had some. 

This was taken the week of my diagnosis in June.  I had to wear a lot of makeup to even feel confident because I was so ill.  Notice the sallow look to my skin.

This was taken today. I have a new hair style, I feel confident wearing a lot less makeup and I am able to even keep my eyes open in the sun because I am feeling so much better!  Good health, here I come!  (By the way, that is my cute boy- age 14- in the background.)

Where am I Going?

Aren't grandmother's the best?  I really love when they see things for what they are and do not hesitate to point them out to you.  Yesterday, I talked to my beloved grandmother.  She is is her late 80's and lives in Arizona, so I do not get to see her more than every other year or so.  I miss my grandmother.  Like so many others, she has been faithfully praying for my recovery.  Today I called her so she could hear from me directly on how I am doing.  She shared, "I just cannot believe you did not have to get the ICD.  It really is a miracle."  We talked about how just two months ago, the doctors told me I could die any time without one and now I will never need one.  Miracle?  Absolutely!  What else would you call it?

Everyday, my family and some of my friends have been kindly reminding me that I need to rest, that it takes time to heal.  Ah- I need to be reminded again and again.  Although mt heart is fixed, it was made very clear it will be a full two months before it is working 100%.  Even now, 5 days later, I am still very bruised both inside and out as well as very tired.  Of course, I am attempting to rest, but of course, I tend to overdo it.  Not intentionally, but man, I actually want to fold clothes!!  I want to make the bed.  I just do not have the strength- yet.  The outside proof positive I have that I am already healing is the bruise on my neck, and my eyes.  Although I have not taken a picture of my eyes, I have been told numerous times this week that my eyes already look better.  The dark circles are disappearing.  I had the dark circles clear back in my teens.  My sister says I was having health struggles as far back as 18 years old when I was rooming with her.  There is much I do not remember from that time in my life, so I take her word for it.  My eyes look better.  Finally! 

The sore that the arrow is pointing to is the point of entry on my (I think jugular) vein where the docs went in with the tools to fix me.  There is another point of entry (but due to personal boundaries, I am not going to take a picture of it).  When I stop to think that through a hole "not much bigger than an IV" is where they sent the tools to correct my condition, I am in awe.  Look how small that is!  I am grateful the bruising is not worse.  This is as bad as it has been thus far.  (I am glad we got this picture today, since we forgot to take the camera to the hospital.)  Now, I need to rest.  I went to the store with my hubby  last night to buy 4 items and it totally wiped out.  I had NO IDEA that I would be this exhausted by the end of the week.  Phew!

In pondering all these changes that have come my way, I have had to reconsider my life a bit.  Last fall, I began planning my life according to the years I had left.  Every movie where the mother's life was jeopardized made me sob.  "That could be me," I would think.  Mind you, I was not trying to be morbid, but I was facing reality.  Until June of this year, I did not know there was a way to stay alive (the ICD) with ARVD, I just knew that my time on Earth was limited.  My husband and I were making plans to be prepared: Where he and the children needed to live, how he would need to remarry, etc.  They are tough, but necessary, conversations when you know you will not be around to live into your late years. 

Now, all of these plans have changed again and I have to retrain my brain.  There are things I can do.  There is time to make memories I did not think I would be able make.  What a relief!  What a blessing!  What a miracle!!

With my life given back to me, I have been pondering, "Now what?  What am I going to do?  Where am I going?  How will I use my life to serve others and serve God?"  I will tell you: I am not going to change a thing!  I am going to keep making memories with my husband and children.  I am going to serve as much as my life allows.  I am going to keep writing songs and sharing them with the world.  I am going to go into the prisons to continue my ministry there.  I am going to love and forgive.  I am going to find joy.  I am going to live life to the fullest so when my time does come to return to my Heavenly Home, I will have no regrets.  I am going to live!

"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.  I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.  I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor's children.  I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping weed someone's garden.  I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.  I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived."  ~ Marjorie Pay Hinckley

My name is Jenny McKinney and I am going to live!  (Oh, did I mention that I really want some chocolate?)

A Bruised, Nervous and Wondrous Heart

Truth # 1: From Day One, I said I would be honest about this road.  Here is the truth: I am still nervous.  I wake up every morning and check my heart rate.  It is a steady beep... beep... beep.... unlike before where it was skipping beats, or there were too many at once, or, or, or.  However, after living with this for half of my life, if not longer, it is hard to just let go and not be a little concerned.  The "what if's" still run through my mind.  As much as I trust in my God and in the amazing doctors I have, I am still human.  In November, I knew I was going to die within a couple of years.  Even if I had gotten the implant, there was still a chance my heart would give out.  Now it is fixed?  Just like that?  It just all feels so.... surreal.

Truth #2: My heart hurts.  Now, I realize that just three days ago, the doctors were actually inside my heart, so of course it is going to feel bruised.  Like I said before, though, I am not a very patient person.  I am a "get up and go" kind of person, so being down for a third day in a row, when my heart has been fixed and I know soon I will have energy again, is a bit of a challenge for me.  I can feel the arteries they went through.  My neck is sore and I can feel the route that the docs took to get to my heart.  I can feel the route part way up my abdomen where they went through my groin.  There is nothing to worry about, but I am a big wimp and I hate being bruised- especially inside.  It is a weird feeling and when I feel the bruising, I feel a bit nervous.  That is when the what if's start again.  Then I have to stop and remember that I had a miracle.  My heart truly is fixed.  I really am ok. 

Truth #3:  I am in awe.  I have been researching what a heart cath looks like and what the ablation looks like and I am in awe.  It is astounding to me that without any incision, with two entry points not much bigger than an IV, the team of amazing medical professionals were able to send a camera (cath) to my heart to look inside of it, then send another device to fix it! 


Although I have always been a fan of treating ourselves naturally- and I still am- I do believe there is a time and place for modern medicine.  I am grateful that at this time and place in my life, modern medicine saved me.  I will let my nervousness go because my heart is whole again.  Now I can hold hands with my sweetheart for many more years to come.  Now I can see my children raised. Now I can write more music and share the music I already have been blessed with.  Now I can make the world a better place for a longer period of time by sharing my light.

Oh heart, my heart, how I love to feel you beat.
My name is Jenny McKinney.  I am in awe of our miraculous ability of our bodies to heal and I really want some chocolate.

The Miracle of my Heart- Part II

The Procedure Hours
As I was wheeled into the lab (reminder: the OR for the heart and lung unit), they gave me a nice warm blankey to cover myself up as I was transferred onto the operating table.  Ah, so toasty!  Introductions were made all around.  What a nice team they were!  After I told them my daughter's instructions and they said they planned on fixing my heart the best they could, the anesthesiologist said,  "All right, I have just given you some happy juice.  Some people do not like how it makes them feel."  I replied that I didn't either.  I did not even get to count backwards from 10, because I was out so fast.  The next memory I have, I was waking up in recovery- 3 1/2 hours later!

I love when I am entertaining to others and have no recollection of it myself.  My husband, children, and closest friends refer to this behavior as the "after 10 drunkness."  My mother was witness to this behavior, as well as the medical team, as I was coming out of my unconscious state, totally loopy from the drugs that had me knocked out.  "Whooooo are youuuuu??" I asked the nurse.  Apparently Nurse Brandi introduced herself to me 3 times before I finally remembered we had met already.  The same went for the others in the room.  I would ask a question, then doze off.  Ask a question, then doze off, keeping everyone in stitches while doing so.  Some of the other question consisted of, "Where... where am I?" and "What is going on here?"  Ah... I love not remembering.  I even called my hubby and sister to let them know everything went well... and later had to be told I talked to them, because I did not remember.

The Best News EVER
I am sure it was a bit nerve racking for my mom to be the one to take in all the news from Dr. B, since I was a bit.... incoherent.  She was told everything went really well and they did not put in the ICD.  When she asked if I would be coming back later in the week to get it, she was told the best news ever: It looked like I will never need it!!  Say what??  Here is what was explained to me over the next few hours. 

This Never Happens
When the camera was placed in my heart, the med team quickly learned that it is not as enlarged as they thought it was originally.  I was given the medicine to make my heart act up in order to find the circuit(s) causing the problem.  Even if they were to find the circuit and ablate it, my condition was bad enough I needed the ICD to live!  What happened was they immediately were able to find the circuit causing the arrhythmia.  "This never happens," is what the nurse explained to me.  She said usually when they get in there, the heart decides to behave and it takes several tries to find the correct circuit.  This was not the case for me.  They fixed the problem by cauterizing the end of the circuit, ultimately making little scars on my heart in order to create a new electrical flow.  My heart began to beat normally, evenly, for the first time in my entire adult life.  After it was stable, they gave me more meds, trying to cause it to react to negative situation that could occur in the future- arrhythmia, cardiac arrest, etc.  The great news?  My heart kept beating steadily and never responded to the drugs.  The problem was fixed!!  Once it was fixed, it was determined I would never have to have the ICD and the ARVD is simply..... gone!  I do not have it anymore!  (Now what will I blog about?)  I will no longer have the dizzy spells, the fatigue, the passing out!  After more than 16 years, my heart will not fight me everyday.  It also looks as if my children will not inherit the condition after all!!  Say what?  Could that be because in the two short weeks my genes had changed enough that they were no longer convinced this was a genetic mutation?  I do not know (and whether or not you agree) but I believe those products certainly could have had something to do with that conclusion.

So Now What?
In three weeks, I go in for a check up.  As I said before, for the first time in my adult life (I was diagnosed with arrhythmia at age 20. I am now 36) my heart is working properly.  Beep... beep... beep... said the steady beeps on the monitor as I looked at it after the procedure.  At last!  Before I went in, my heart rate could not even stay above 60 bpm.  It was even dropping into the 40's.  After, it was a steady 78 bpm.  Hallelujah!!  I am having to take it really easy for 3-4 days with no lifting more than a jug of milk, only stepping up with my left leg first, walking around for 5-10 min at a time, but mostly staying down or sitting at a angle in which I am not bending at the hip.  In a week, I will be able to start doing normal things again.  What is normal?  Driving (I have not done this for months), taking walks with my kids, sitting and playing a card game from start to finish, without passing out in the middle of it etc.  In 2 months, my heart will be working 100% perfectly, after it has time to adjust to the changes.  I might feel a flutter here and there, but that is because it is adjusting to the new circuit flow and rhythm.

Yesterday morning, my hubby said I already looked healthier.  What a GREAT compliment!  For the first time in my children's lives, their mommy will be healthy and strong.  How can we not rejoice?

I firmly believe that I am to use this experience to help others learn about this life-threatening condition.  Some of the blessings (besides the ones I have already told you about just now) are that I have made new friends along the way and strengthened already existing friendships.  I have seen the smiles on the faces of my loved ones as they have learned that I no longer am at high risk for sudden cardiac death.  I have felt Heaven's blessings pour abundantly on us as we have been loved through this very difficult time in our lives.  My heart is healthy.  My heart beats strong.  How can I deny that this is a Divine outcome?

I had an amazing team of doctors and nurses.  For them, I will be forever grateful.  I went into the surgery lab with my doctor planning on giving me a permanent device to keep me alive.  I came out without one, and my heart was fixed for good. "This never happens, Jenny."  Well, it did and in my book, that is a miracle!

My name is Jenny McKinney.  My heart is miraculous and you bet I really want some chocolate!

 

The Miracle of my Heart- Part I

Have you ever experienced a miracle?  I am grateful that I have seen many in my life.  Last night, the Lord saw fit to grant my heart a miracle.  I want to share this whole story with you, so this will be in a two or three part post.

As a Review:
When I got my official diagnosis of ARVD, my doctor determined it was a genetic condition, because of my family history.  Although we did not run any tests to make that official, it was pretty for sure.  This put my children at a 50% risk of carrying the gene.  The plan was to get them tested so we can be prepared if they do have it.  The plan for me was to get the Electrophysiology Study done, alblate the misbehaving circuits in my heart, if they could find them, (it really is a guessing game) then implant a loop recorder, which I would wear for up to three years.  This was all to be done yesterday, then later this week I would go back to get the ICD implant, which I would wear the rest of my life.  Things did not go quite like planned.  This is the miracle.

A Few Factors:
First, let me explain that I strongly feel there are several factors to the miracle taking place.  To do this, I need to share a bit of history I have not before, because it is so deeply personal that I did not think it proper to share publicly.  If I am to use my life to bring glory and honor to God, then I feel that it is now the right time to share this.  You can believe this or not, but I speak only the truth and this is my story.

Back in November, I was in my studio (aka- garage) working on selecting music for my songbook I was putting together, when I had a wonderful experience.  This is not the kind of experience that is normal to all, but it is quite common in my life.  I was prompted by the Holy Ghost to began getting my music and other affairs in order.  There was very specific instruction given and I was told that if things continued as they were going with my heart, I would not be here very long.  Specifically, I would have maybe 2 years to live.  If I found a way to get my heart under control, I would be here longer, but still not as long as I want to be.  (There was much more to it, but this is the basic info.) With that news, I collapsed to the floor, weeping.  I knew I had to do something, but what?  A few minutes later, my hubby came home from work and we talked about this revelation and prayed together.  We knew that if we did all we could on our end, the Lord would allow me to be here to see my children raised- at least a while longer.  I decided I would take whatever time I could get and live my life to the best I could, making memories with my family and bringing glory to my Heavenly Father and Savior. You can read what happened next here.

The Miracle Formula:

Personal fast and prayer is part of the miracle. Through the promptings of the Spirit, we have known what to do seemingly every step of the way.  As I began going through the testing, I was fasting and praying about the right course of treatment to take.  It was told to me very clearly that if the doctors told me I needed to get any kind of procedure done, I was to do it.  So when I got to Utah and was told I needed these life saving procedures, I knew I could not argue it.  We scheduled for August 12.

Great nutrition has played a major key in the miracle; not just any nutrition, though.: Lunarich nutrition.  During these months, I was introduced to this product that I absolutely 100% am convinced changed the outcome of my heart procedure.  Again, this is only one ingredient in the
Miracle Formula, but definitely a big part of it.  Remember when the doc said this was genetic?  Basically, this product makes negative genes no longer function and wakes up positive, healthy genes.  So when you hear about what he said after surgery, this is why I believe he was lead to his decision.

YOU are the other part of the Miracle Formula.  I had friends of every age, all over the world, fasting and/or praying for me.  That was you!  It was because of those prayers, because of your unwavering faith, that I am absolutely sure caused the miracle to happen.  For that, I will always love you.  I will always be grateful.

Of course, the other part of the formula was the guided, prompted hands of the doctors and nurses that treated my heart.  I know if Dr. B had not combined his expertise with spiritual guidance, things could have been a lot different.

The Waiting Game:
I was scheduled to be at the hospital at 11:30 am.  I was prepped for the procedure fairly quickly and we thought I would be in the lab (aka the heart and lung operating room) by 12:30.  My mom and I (She stayed with me the whole day. Love my mom!) were updated every 20-30 minutes, making us aware there was a bit of a wait.  The patient in the lab before me, also under Dr. B's skilled hands, was having some complications.  They kept finding something else wrong with her heart and had to fix it while she was in there.  Who was I to complain?  I pray they were able to mend her heart. 

Meanwhile, I looked over the paperwork with my nurse and the orders said I was to have all the procedures done that day.  This included: the Electrophysiology Study (heart cath), ablation, the loop recorder implanted, and the ICD implant (which I originally was told would be later in the week, remember.)  A bit unsure as to what to prep me for, Nurse Patti called Dr. B in the lab.  He said to prep me for everything.  You see, the study we knew for sure was going to happen.  Then, IF they could find the misbehaving circuit, they would fix it by ablating it, which would reroute the electricity in my heart.  They also were going to implant a loop recorder under my skin.  This device would allow them to see all of my heart comings and goings.  The final procedure would be the ICD, but until we got into the lab, we would not know for sure if I was going to get it that day.  However, when he said to prep me and have me plan on staying overnight, I knew I was going to be going home the next day with a device permanently implanted in my chest.  I realized that if this is what he felt he was to do, it was what the Lord wanted for me, to keep me here.  I was at peace with that. 

It was nice to have the day with my mom, but really, she needed to put her feet up and I wanted to have it all done with.  I am not a patient person, but at least the nurses and aides were fabulous and the bed was super comfy.  However, fasting 6 hours before my time to go in, then having another 5 hours added to that fast was not the easiest thing in the world to do.  (Ah well!  It's over and done and I have eaten plenty since then!)  It was finally 4:30pm before I got wheeled into the lab.  When I left the house that morning, my little girl (6 years) ran outside and yelled, "Go get your heart fixed... and bring us presents!!"  I informed the medical staff in the lab of her instructions to fix my heart.  They said that is what they intended to do.  Yay!  Here we go!  My heart was about the be in their hands.

My name is Jenny McKinney.  The story is about to get amazing and I really do want some chocolate.

The Miracle of my Heart- Part II

In the Lord's Hands

I woke up at precisely a quarter after 5 this morning and am grateful I did.  (I just typed that in my best British accent, by the way.  Now I am thinking in a British accent.)  I have to fast for 6 hours prior to my surgery, which means I could not eat past 5:30 am.  Not wanting to wake anyone by fixing a large breakfast, I grabbed a cup of yogurt and a spoon and headed to eat while ..... in the privy.  (Yep, still British.  I am a huge Jane Austen and BBC fan, you know.)  I ate, finished my business, then after washing my hands, brushed my teeth so I was not tempted to eat the remainder of the morning.  Here we are, 30 minutes later and I am starving!!  The good news is there is only now 5 1/2 hours until I prep for surgery. Bravo!

(Back to my regular, western tone, folks.) As nervous as I am about having... gulp... surgical equipment taken to my body today and later this week, deep down, I am relieved.  For 16 years I have struggled with the fainting, the dizziness, the irregular rhythms.  I realize that everything will not be perfect after the surgeries, but they will be much better than they have been.  For that, I am most grateful.

Late last night, I had a long conversation with one of my very dearest friends.  She reminded me of a conversation we had several months back about the state of my health.  She told me, "Jenny, you said that if this doctor (Dr. L in Idaho) could not give you answers, you would be done with doctors.  You got answers and now something is being done.  Obviously the Lord is not done with you yet."  This brings great comfort to my heart (no pun intended... ok, maybe a little bit).  Who am I to argue when the Lord is done with me? 

Now today, I will put my heart in the hands of the doctors who are being the hands of the Lord.  I know they will be guided in searching for the misbehaving circuits to fix and that will be as it is supposed to.  Whatever happens, I fully trust in their care and capabilities.  I know they will be guided and that my heart will be better because of their expertise and training.  All will be well, because God is at the wheel.

My name is Jenny McKinney.  My heart begins to change today and to celebrate I really want some chocolate (but since I am fasting, I won't have any.)  Cheerio!

The Blessings of Receiving

It is interesting to see the work of the Lord in my life right now.  There are times where I am on the receiving end of service, but more often, I am on the giving end of it all.  So often of late, I feel like I am on the receiving end and only that.  It seems to go against my very nature.  I think the Lord wants me to learn humility.  Again.  This seemingly constant inner struggle of being a receiver has led me to really start counting my blessings.  When we count our blessings and express gratitude, we draw closer to God.  We speak in one of His greatest love languages.  After recent conversations with friends, and counting kindnesses that I have been blessed with, I see this is how it must be.  For the first time in many years, I really need to learn how to take care of me.  My auntie once told me that to deny others the opportunity to serve us is to deny them blessings.  How can I deny blessings to others?  How can I not feel blessed to be on this receiving end at this time in my life?  I will rest.  I will be open and accepting of the kindness of others.  I will be grateful.

Through this journey to healing my heart, I am making new friends and bonding deeply with ones I was already blessed to have in my life.  Some of these friends have done things that have touched me deeply, like changing their Facebook profile pictures to match my own heart one, asking for prayers on my behalf, and just sending notes of love and encouragement.  I am so humbled and grateful for those acts of kindness.  My new friend, Lindsey, has this same, rare condition and she has been offering me wonderful insight and understanding through this difficult time.  For this, I am grateful.  Yesterday, she wrote to me, "I can't say for sure if you'll be okay, but you are in my prayers. I ask that you first and foremost receive peace, that God's work be done in your life, and that He heal your heart."  God's work is certainly being done in my life, of nothing more than reminding me of how I must be more humble, more accepting, more grateful.

This Monday, I go in for the first of two procedures.  To some, it may seem routine.  To me, it is not.  I am nervous, but I am not scared for the Lord has my heart in His hands.  I know many are praying on my behalf, for which I am grateful.  For those that would like to join my husband and I, we will also be holding a special fast that day as well, that the doctors hands will be guided this week, that the Lord will do His wonders among us, and that the breaks of this heart will be mended. Like my friend Lindsey so kindly expressed, I do not know if I will be okay, but I know God's work will be done in my life.

My name is Jenny McKinney and my heart is in God's hands. Oh, and I really want some chocolate.

A Little Poem....

Three more days and my heart starts changing
Not sure how I feel about it being changed
I know I need this done but I'm nervous
Will I ever be the same again

My heart has loved and my heart's been broken
A time or two in my life
Perhaps now it will be mended
So I can focus on being a mother and wife

I put my trust in the God that adores me
Now the doctors will be His hands
My trust extends to those that will help me
I will have faith my heart will work again

My name is Jenny McKinney. I'm a bit nervous and I really want some chocolate.

Awesome Pawesome!!

Let me tell you a little story.  One day, many years ago, I was driving with my (then) three children on the way to the dentist office in Lacey, Washington.  In response to someone's news from school or something rather, I shouted out, "Awesome pawesome!!" (Let's face it, who doesn't like to rhyme fun words?)  Just as I yelled that comment, I looked out my window and saw.... a DEAD POSSUM on the side of the road!! Hahaha!! We laughed and laughed.  From that day on, we use that expression regularly in our family. In fact, we even have an Awesome Pawesome dinner plate that we use for special occasions, such as birthdays, studying hard for a test, overcoming a difficult trial, etc.

Today was awesome.  Well, not really.  Like any other day, it had it's ups and downs.  That reminds me of the song from the animated Robin Hood movie.... ok, getting off subject.  I am a home schooling mom.  Today, I worked on getting the curriculum ready.  I truly am excited about that.  Between school planning and doing normal mom things, like making meals, I did not get any rest.  (Not to mention on Saturday I was gone to a conference for a total of 13 hours. Yeah.. no rest then, either.)  Now, I have never been very good at resting when I need to, but this year has changed that.  I really, truly strive to rest, especially since my diagnosis came in and it became docs orders.  I take naps nearly everyday and lay down more often than I like to admit.  However, today was not one of those days.  Who else is going to be the mom?

I needed groceries so I can make some freezer meals in prep for recovery time.  My brother kindly drove me to the store.  I felt fine, or at least, I thought I did.  I was only half way through my grocery list when my heart started misbehaving and I decided to try the awesome pawesome "let's make people think I am trying to hang upside down" move.  You know the one.... where you are standing and bend over to put your head between your knees, but your head does not really reach that far, so you look more like a monkey than a possum.  Three times I did that in the store.  Three times no one said anything, for which I am grateful.  I finished the shopping after only walking through the whole store three times.  (One day, I will learn the layout.  Today is not that day.)

As we were walking out to the car, I decided to try the awesome pawesome move two more times because, well, who wants to keep walking normally when you can almost pass out instead?  Thankfully, I didn't pass out, but I got really close.  My brother put the groceries in the car for me, which was very sweet, since he has been recovering from his own (not of the heart) surgery.  I just sat in the car, grabbed my hydration drink and guzzled away.  When I got home, I rested.... sort of.

Regretfully, all of those people who were not paying attention to my cool moves will never know what it is like to see a woman trying to look like an awesome pawesome.  Or will they......

My name is Jenny McKinney.  I am Awesome, I don't like possums and I really want some chocolate.