Still Learning

As I think about growing up in Mesa, Arizona, I recall how I spent my summer days outside. 122 degrees or not, you could find me in the neighborhood swimming pool, climbing trees, or running barefoot through the field, even racing barefoot down the blacktop. Our family struggled financially, but we had a home to live in. We had our set of struggles for sure, but in looking back, I can remember many carefree days. We had no idea my heart would eventually be a ticking time bomb from a CHD that would lie dormant until I was an adult. I sometimes have wondered how much the strep infections I had lead the the weakening of my heart. Curiously, my heart now beats strong, with numerous days ahead- too many to count.

There are days when it is hard for me to believe that I am approaching the one year anniversary of my successful heart surgery. Where has the time gone? I am finally coming out of the struggle I've had of of not knowing which direction to take my life. Although it has taken a long time, I finally understand why God chose to spare me. I have a mission I have not yet completed. I have lives to touch, lessons to learn, others to assist. I cannot yet be as the angels when God still needs me here. The storms still rage around me, but there is peace in knowing where I am going. As long as I put my trust in God, He will guide me with His loving hand. Also, I am getting a bit excited, because I am going to be celebrating my one year heartiversary in a big way! I look forward to the new memories with a happy, healthy heart.

My own experiences are bringing me to people that have changed me life for good, people I would have not met otherwise. I have made some new friends who live just down the sidewalk from me. They have a brand new baby, just a month old. When he went in for his one week check-up, they learned he has a condition called Total Anomalous Pulmonary Venous Return (TAPVR).  He was life-flighted from the doctors office to the Primary Children's Hospital (PCH) where they have one of the best cardiac heart teams in the country, if not the world. There, he had to have emergency open heart surgery (OHS) in order to live. Last night, they had to take their baby back to the hospital last night to admit him for an infection. During that time, I had the blessing of watching their eldest, barely two years old. I was in awe of the faith the parents of these baby boys carry. They have full trust in the doctors and in God that whatever is to come is supposed to be. Some may say they are naive. I say their faith is refreshing!

Late last night, after the parents came to pick up their eldest son, I sat down to research TAPVR. I found this website which is great at helping one learn about the various defects. During my research, I learned that there are 49 Congenital Heart Defects (CHD). FORTY-NINE!!! Do you know that 1 in 100 children are born with a CHD? My defect, ARVD, is classified under Electrophysiology Defects. Although I am no longer struggling with mine, I still read up on it, so I understand it better. This information may be critical in months and years to come.

It is not until now I have publicly shared some information. Until now, I was hoping there is nothing to tell. Yet, I feel compelled to share it, for there may be another mother who is enduring the same emotional turmoil that this mother's heart is feeling. There is a 50/50 chance my children will have my genetic condition. So far, my two eldest have not shown any signs. My third, however, is showing nearly every one. Curiosity strikes my spirit strongly as my husband and I prepare for our youngest son to see the cardiologist. On August 6th, we will take him to see a leading cardiologist at PCH. From there, it will be determined what tests are necessary, if any, to learn of the functions of his heart. As a mother and a CHD survivor, I know, I know there is something not quite right. I see it when he wakes up from a deep sleep and his heart is racing at more than 130 BPM. I see it when he walks down the hall, suddenly becoming super fatigued. I see it when we are out hiking together and I check his heart rate, where it has drastically dropped to the low 60's. Something is not quite right. I was hoping it was years before we would have to face this again, if ever. The time has come much sooner than I anticipated, especially only learning a year ago that one or more of my children may dace the same future as I. I just pray for strength on his behalf that whatever we are facing, he will survive.... that we will survive.

I know it is God's will in whatever is to come. He created B-Man's heart and mind. God knew what He was doing when He wired B-Man's brain in such a way that modern doctors would tell us he has autism. This same Creator also knew what He was doing when He put this exact heart in B-Man's body. It is a perfect heart- perfect for whatever lessons B needs to learn in this life and what God needs us to learn as well. God is perfect in His knowledge, even if we are not. Peace does not evade me, but instead permeates my soul. God is with us, walking this road- no matter where it leads.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am a heart warrior, and possibly a heart mom. Instead of chocolate, I think I shall return to bed.

In the Lord's Hands

I woke up at precisely a quarter after 5 this morning and am grateful I did.  (I just typed that in my best British accent, by the way.  Now I am thinking in a British accent.)  I have to fast for 6 hours prior to my surgery, which means I could not eat past 5:30 am.  Not wanting to wake anyone by fixing a large breakfast, I grabbed a cup of yogurt and a spoon and headed to eat while ..... in the privy.  (Yep, still British.  I am a huge Jane Austen and BBC fan, you know.)  I ate, finished my business, then after washing my hands, brushed my teeth so I was not tempted to eat the remainder of the morning.  Here we are, 30 minutes later and I am starving!!  The good news is there is only now 5 1/2 hours until I prep for surgery. Bravo!

(Back to my regular, western tone, folks.) As nervous as I am about having... gulp... surgical equipment taken to my body today and later this week, deep down, I am relieved.  For 16 years I have struggled with the fainting, the dizziness, the irregular rhythms.  I realize that everything will not be perfect after the surgeries, but they will be much better than they have been.  For that, I am most grateful.

Late last night, I had a long conversation with one of my very dearest friends.  She reminded me of a conversation we had several months back about the state of my health.  She told me, "Jenny, you said that if this doctor (Dr. L in Idaho) could not give you answers, you would be done with doctors.  You got answers and now something is being done.  Obviously the Lord is not done with you yet."  This brings great comfort to my heart (no pun intended... ok, maybe a little bit).  Who am I to argue when the Lord is done with me? 

Now today, I will put my heart in the hands of the doctors who are being the hands of the Lord.  I know they will be guided in searching for the misbehaving circuits to fix and that will be as it is supposed to.  Whatever happens, I fully trust in their care and capabilities.  I know they will be guided and that my heart will be better because of their expertise and training.  All will be well, because God is at the wheel.

My name is Jenny McKinney.  My heart begins to change today and to celebrate I really want some chocolate (but since I am fasting, I won't have any.)  Cheerio!

The Blessings of Receiving

It is interesting to see the work of the Lord in my life right now.  There are times where I am on the receiving end of service, but more often, I am on the giving end of it all.  So often of late, I feel like I am on the receiving end and only that.  It seems to go against my very nature.  I think the Lord wants me to learn humility.  Again.  This seemingly constant inner struggle of being a receiver has led me to really start counting my blessings.  When we count our blessings and express gratitude, we draw closer to God.  We speak in one of His greatest love languages.  After recent conversations with friends, and counting kindnesses that I have been blessed with, I see this is how it must be.  For the first time in many years, I really need to learn how to take care of me.  My auntie once told me that to deny others the opportunity to serve us is to deny them blessings.  How can I deny blessings to others?  How can I not feel blessed to be on this receiving end at this time in my life?  I will rest.  I will be open and accepting of the kindness of others.  I will be grateful.

Through this journey to healing my heart, I am making new friends and bonding deeply with ones I was already blessed to have in my life.  Some of these friends have done things that have touched me deeply, like changing their Facebook profile pictures to match my own heart one, asking for prayers on my behalf, and just sending notes of love and encouragement.  I am so humbled and grateful for those acts of kindness.  My new friend, Lindsey, has this same, rare condition and she has been offering me wonderful insight and understanding through this difficult time.  For this, I am grateful.  Yesterday, she wrote to me, "I can't say for sure if you'll be okay, but you are in my prayers. I ask that you first and foremost receive peace, that God's work be done in your life, and that He heal your heart."  God's work is certainly being done in my life, of nothing more than reminding me of how I must be more humble, more accepting, more grateful.

This Monday, I go in for the first of two procedures.  To some, it may seem routine.  To me, it is not.  I am nervous, but I am not scared for the Lord has my heart in His hands.  I know many are praying on my behalf, for which I am grateful.  For those that would like to join my husband and I, we will also be holding a special fast that day as well, that the doctors hands will be guided this week, that the Lord will do His wonders among us, and that the breaks of this heart will be mended. Like my friend Lindsey so kindly expressed, I do not know if I will be okay, but I know God's work will be done in my life.

My name is Jenny McKinney and my heart is in God's hands. Oh, and I really want some chocolate.