The Truth Shall Set You Free

It has been a quiet time for me on the computer these past few months as my laptop crashed and I do not get on the family computer for extended periods of time. It is so different from my own computer that I find myself not being as appreciative that we even have a nice computer. That gets my wheels turning, though. How often do we have something decent, lovely, useful, etc. and we do not appreciate it, because it is not what we wanted, nor what we planned on having? How often do we begrudge our life's journey because it is not the direction we planned on taking? How often do we allow ourselves to become bitter towards another, even God, because life has not worked out to our specifications? No more for me! It is the end of a year of Conquering Mountains and now onto a year of Renewed Hope.

Each year, I choose a phrase or word, instead of setting a bunch of New Years Resolutions I will never complete. As 2014 is winding down, and I look back, I see that I truly did Conquer Mountains. I look forward to 2015 with Renewed Hope- hope in my body getting stronger, hope in strengthening friendships and mending relationships, hope in being more proactive in my music, hope in other human beings also trying to do good in this world. The goals I set will be throughout the year with the theme "Renewed Hope" and that theme will be my motivation for becoming better.

Ready to run.... or walk

Back in September, I ran a 5K. I know... I did not write about it here, but lucky you, I will include pictures today. Last night, I had a long, continuous dream about my family spending time with my heart surgeon's family. In this dream, Jared (the first name of my doc) and I had a lengthy conversation about how my progress has been, and how difficult it has been on my emotions that family members do not believe in all I went through. He shared with me some insight that helped me feel peace this morning. He told me that I know what I went through, my husband and children know what I went through, he- my heart surgeon- knows what I went through, but most important, God knows what I went through. The rest does not matter, he shared. They choose to believe what they choose to believe. He said to me, "Jenny, I was inside your heart. I literally know what is in there! Your heart was damaged but God granted you a miracle and He healed it! That is what you need to share!" So, share I will!

I share this to all who care to read. I share this for those that might need a reminder that God loves you and that He is real. My heart was broken, and now it is healed. God did this for me!

When I was 20 years old and experiencing difficulties with my first pregnancy, I was diagnosed with arrhythmia. For the next 14 years, I was in and out of hospitals and doctors offices trying to find out why it was so bad I would pass out without notice, why it was so bad that I would go into A-Fib and V-Tac. What was causing this?! For two years, I was tired so I stopped going in for tests. All I was ever told was that something was wrong and they (the doctors) could not figure out what it was. Finally, with some gentle pushing, my loved ones convinced me to go in one more time to see a new doctor. My darling nurse friend went with me, explaining from a medical point of view how she had seen me pass out time and time again with no warning. She shared insight I was not even aware my body was doing! That was in early 2013.

Just finished!

In May 2013, I went through my last set of heart tests. I was lead to a heart specialist that told me she would keep digging until she found answers. (Side note: That first time I met her my heart rate was at 53 bpm and my blood pressure was about 84/42. She said I should not have been so conscious and talking. I told her it was the norm for me. Again- God did that! He kept me alive!) In June, our family moved to Utah from Idaho while I was still wearing my 30-day halter monitor. We moved because my husband and I had it confirmed to us through the Holy Ghost that I was going to die and we needed to be near family to help with the kids once I was gone.

Dr. L called me the following week with results. She had sought out a second opinion before she called me. It was... really bad and I needed heart surgery to save my life. I was diagnosed with a CHD- which means I was born with this condition. Wow! I was sent in to another specialist in Salt Lake for a third opinion, in which he agreed. "You should not even be alive," Dr. B told me. "You are at high risk for Sudden Cardiac Death. I cannot believe you have not had a massive heart attack or have dropped dead yet. You need surgery asap." Without it, I would die.

I was put on strict bed rest for the next five weeks. If my heart rate got up to 120, it would kill me. The day before my surgery was scheduled, I woke up to it racing at 110 bpm. For me, that was life-threatening. It would not have taken much more to send me into cardiac arrest.

Several days prior to surgery I started taking a micro-nutrient that actually changes DNA. I had amazing results.

On August 12, 2013 I went in for major heart surgery. That day, friends from all over the world were

My heart family

fasting for me and my doctors, many souls were praying as well. I had been given a priesthood blessing just before I went to the hospital. Hours later, when I finally went under the knife, a miracle had taken place. All of the problems that had been showing up on the tests were almost non-existent. My heart had almost completely been healed. The medical team mapped out my entire heart and was puzzled because it simply... was not there. All of the detailed, life-threatening issues were mostly... gone. I came out of surgery with a minor procedure instead of a major surgery. I was told I am going to be just fine.

Behind closed doors, my doctor and I say "miracle" but on paper, my diagnosis was actually changed. It truly is a miracle!!

I am healthy. I am starting to get my energy back, and I look forward to living out a long, full life. God did this. He granted my family a miracle. There is no other way to explain it. He worked through fasting, prayer, blessings, and proper nutrition to heal my body. This, I can never deny, for if I do, I would be denying the truth of my God. That, I can never do.

With this post comes the end of this blog. My life's journey has just begun and my heart is healthy and happy. I will spend the new year focusing on sharing my story (in depth) along with my music and doing motivational speaking. Thank you for sharing in this journey with me. It has been a thrill. You are lovely and good and oh, so LOVED by God!! May He always keep you in His ever-lasting care.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am a walking miracle. I am a survivor. Like always.... I really want some chocolate.

A Letter of Thanks

(Written 6/17/2014)

To my Heavenly Father-
Thank You for the beauty of my life. Today, I was able to bring little children into my home and give them so much love. In return, I received a bosom full of joy. As little children are so tender to You, I rejoice that I was able to see them through Your eyes.

Thank You for the home that we call ours, for however long we are here. It may not be a mansion, but it is our palace, as I work hard to make it as such. I am grateful for the creativity I have been blessed with to make it welcoming for all those who enter here.

Thank You for the food we have on our table. We often eat humble meals, but we have more than most in this world. How can I complain?

Thank you for the love that fills our home each day. Our children are healthy and happy. Our marriage is strong. All these things are because we have done as You ask and center our lived around Your Son, Jesus Christ, and put others first whenever possible. This has brought us joy.

Thank You for the friends that surround us. We may not go to parties each week. We may not be able to take lavish vacations with our neighbors, but we know where we can turn if a need arises. We know in whom we can put our trust.

Thank You for helping us find opportunities to serve. Whether it be at church, in our community, or in our home, our hearts grow each time we give of ourselves freely. In this, we can rejoice.

Most of all, for me, thank You for the gift of my life, in which has been spared. You did not just mend my heart, You healed it. Now, I may continue to live life to the fullest and love to my greatest capacity.

Your loving daughter,
Jenny


(Now.... where can I go find some chocolate?)

The Facebook Purge (Healing- PART III)

Facebook... ah, the word alone brings up bittersweet thoughts. On one hand, it is so great to know that we can make contact with people all over the world in an instant. On the other hand, it can be a place of damaging drama and addiction.

During an especially dark few days this past month, I wondered about the 889 "friends" I had on my social media page. How many of them had I actually had any form of contact with over the past year? Probably about half. Perhaps a third. Out of those 300-400 or so, how many of them have made an effort to seek me out? To make comments on my status updates, to email me personally? To show somehow that they cared about me? Maybe about 200. So "Why," I asked myself, "do I have that many people on my friends list?" Then, I started categorizing who they were and the reasons I kept them on there.

- Family. They are family, so I am obligated to keep them on my friend's list, right? Even though they have not been on Facebook in the five years I have been friends with them on there; even though we never, ever have had any form of personal communication in years, whether or not through the site; even though in "real life" we have rarely spoken to each other or have even met, for that matter, I am obligated to keep them on there, right?
- Church Acquaintances. We go/went to church together. Even though we have never had any contact at church, or on Facebook; even though they had greatly mistreated me and I am still working on forgiving them; even though I have only heard of their name in the church world, I am obligated to keep them on there, right?
- High School Friends. We went to school together 20+ years ago (am I really old enough to say that?) and we never talked then, so of course we should be Facebook friends now, right?
- Music Fans. Some people heard my music online or at a performance, then sent me a friend request. If they are fans, then they might need to hear the positive messages I strive to share on a regular basis. Maybe they are in the dark and that message is bringing them hope for that day, so I am obligated to keep them on there, right?
- Strangers or Friends of Friends. Yes, there were people on my friends list that I have no idea who they are. Some we lived in the same city so they sent a request. Others saw me comment on a mutual friend's page, so they sent me a request.

So there they were... a bunch of people I did not know or never had any contact with. I knew many of them would not care of I unfriended them, because we never had any contact. So, without much hesitation, I began the Spring Cleaning process. Deep down, I knew that as a public figure of sorts, I may be damaging my fan base, but in that moment, it was about survival and finding my way out of the dark. It was about ridding my life of anything extra, including nameless and faceless people that were just.... there. I began unfriending, then what began as therapeutic turned into unhealthy thoughts.

I began rationalizing the why of what I was doing. I am going to delete her because she only pretends to like me. I know she really doesn't. If she liked me, then she would have made an attempt to talk to me in the past few months. (I never stopped to consider what she might be dealing with in her own life.) Or how about, Sure, they are related, but are they really family? I mean, if they cared, they would have asked about my recovery. They would have expressed some concern about my heart during all of this testing and procedures I had done. They never asked, so they must not care. The most common thought I felt myself having as I was doing my Facebook Purge was that of If I unfriend Person A but keep Person B, then Person A will surely notice and dislike me even more than they already do. They will judge me for keeping Person B and not them. There were also thoughts such as, So what if I am in the public eye? Does that mean it is my responsibility to keep all these so-called "friends" because one of my messages I share might save them that day? Well, yes, Jenny McKinney, actually that responsibility does come with the territory.

Truth be told, even with 889 Facebook friends, and many of them being "real life" friends, I felt very alone. During that struggle of loneliness, I began rejecting people in my life because I felt they did not care. In many ways, I was walking a path of self-created darkness so I did what I knew how to do: I purged my life of what I thought was causing some the darkness..... people who did not care... or did they? When I found out my beloved friend had cancer, I shut her out. I could not deal with it. Oh, I cared alright, cared to the point of grieving so deeply that I did not make contact with her while she struggled through her horrible treatments. I prayed for her continually, and loved her from afar, but I never sent a note, never called, never let her know how much I was cheering for her. My heart ached on her behalf and I knew that if I tried to contact her, I would be a mess and have nothing to offer her. So, I prayed that angels would attend her and somehow she would feel of my love from afar. When her treatments were coming to an end and I finally contacted her, I was so sorrowful that I had not been a better friend. She instantly forgave me and lifted my spirits, because that's the kind of friend she is.

Maybe some of those friends and family who became invisible in my life were doing as I did with Kami... loving me from afar. Praying for me. Cheering me on as they read my blog, or learned of what I was dealing with. I am grateful for that. Truly. Though this process, though, I have learned that one really does recover quicker when they know they are loved.

Now, I recognize some of these thoughts as being unhealthy, but when you are in that darkness, it binds you. Once those unhealthy thoughts find their launching point, they can quickly snowball out of control. Many times, it takes hitting rock bottom before something begins to change. For me, the change began when I find out one of my children was suffering from their own deep, scarring darkness and needed me to love them through it. My behavior was not going to help. I had to change it so I could be their for them. It has taken some serious self-reflection, hours of prayer, scripture study, temple attendance, and getting into the habit (of which I am still developing) of taking a nutritional product (that I took years ago and saw excellent results, but stopped taking for the past several years) to start seeing results. I also spent a lot of time talking through things with my husband and my bishop (pastor) before I began to feel the changes taking place. I finally reached out to you and asked for prayers on my behalf. Then, as I recently shared, the darkness began to lift. All these things came together for my own good. For that, I am truly grateful.

I am doing better. Honestly. I know much of that improvement comes as a result of prayers on my behalf, for which I am humbly grateful. I know there may be days of darkness ahead, but I now know I do not walk alone. I pray that those who have been hurt by my choices will be quick to forgive. I did not set out to hurt anyone. I was just trying to survive. If you want to make contact again, please send me a friend request. My heart is healing and ready to love again.

We are all beloved children of God. He uses us to accomplish His great works. We need to be there for each other, and not be afraid to love one another through the darkness. It is only when the Light breaks through that we can be whole again.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am healing and... I think I will go have some chocolate... hot chocolate.

The Miracle of my Heart- Part II

The Procedure Hours
As I was wheeled into the lab (reminder: the OR for the heart and lung unit), they gave me a nice warm blankey to cover myself up as I was transferred onto the operating table.  Ah, so toasty!  Introductions were made all around.  What a nice team they were!  After I told them my daughter's instructions and they said they planned on fixing my heart the best they could, the anesthesiologist said,  "All right, I have just given you some happy juice.  Some people do not like how it makes them feel."  I replied that I didn't either.  I did not even get to count backwards from 10, because I was out so fast.  The next memory I have, I was waking up in recovery- 3 1/2 hours later!

I love when I am entertaining to others and have no recollection of it myself.  My husband, children, and closest friends refer to this behavior as the "after 10 drunkness."  My mother was witness to this behavior, as well as the medical team, as I was coming out of my unconscious state, totally loopy from the drugs that had me knocked out.  "Whooooo are youuuuu??" I asked the nurse.  Apparently Nurse Brandi introduced herself to me 3 times before I finally remembered we had met already.  The same went for the others in the room.  I would ask a question, then doze off.  Ask a question, then doze off, keeping everyone in stitches while doing so.  Some of the other question consisted of, "Where... where am I?" and "What is going on here?"  Ah... I love not remembering.  I even called my hubby and sister to let them know everything went well... and later had to be told I talked to them, because I did not remember.

The Best News EVER
I am sure it was a bit nerve racking for my mom to be the one to take in all the news from Dr. B, since I was a bit.... incoherent.  She was told everything went really well and they did not put in the ICD.  When she asked if I would be coming back later in the week to get it, she was told the best news ever: It looked like I will never need it!!  Say what??  Here is what was explained to me over the next few hours. 

This Never Happens
When the camera was placed in my heart, the med team quickly learned that it is not as enlarged as they thought it was originally.  I was given the medicine to make my heart act up in order to find the circuit(s) causing the problem.  Even if they were to find the circuit and ablate it, my condition was bad enough I needed the ICD to live!  What happened was they immediately were able to find the circuit causing the arrhythmia.  "This never happens," is what the nurse explained to me.  She said usually when they get in there, the heart decides to behave and it takes several tries to find the correct circuit.  This was not the case for me.  They fixed the problem by cauterizing the end of the circuit, ultimately making little scars on my heart in order to create a new electrical flow.  My heart began to beat normally, evenly, for the first time in my entire adult life.  After it was stable, they gave me more meds, trying to cause it to react to negative situation that could occur in the future- arrhythmia, cardiac arrest, etc.  The great news?  My heart kept beating steadily and never responded to the drugs.  The problem was fixed!!  Once it was fixed, it was determined I would never have to have the ICD and the ARVD is simply..... gone!  I do not have it anymore!  (Now what will I blog about?)  I will no longer have the dizzy spells, the fatigue, the passing out!  After more than 16 years, my heart will not fight me everyday.  It also looks as if my children will not inherit the condition after all!!  Say what?  Could that be because in the two short weeks my genes had changed enough that they were no longer convinced this was a genetic mutation?  I do not know (and whether or not you agree) but I believe those products certainly could have had something to do with that conclusion.

So Now What?
In three weeks, I go in for a check up.  As I said before, for the first time in my adult life (I was diagnosed with arrhythmia at age 20. I am now 36) my heart is working properly.  Beep... beep... beep... said the steady beeps on the monitor as I looked at it after the procedure.  At last!  Before I went in, my heart rate could not even stay above 60 bpm.  It was even dropping into the 40's.  After, it was a steady 78 bpm.  Hallelujah!!  I am having to take it really easy for 3-4 days with no lifting more than a jug of milk, only stepping up with my left leg first, walking around for 5-10 min at a time, but mostly staying down or sitting at a angle in which I am not bending at the hip.  In a week, I will be able to start doing normal things again.  What is normal?  Driving (I have not done this for months), taking walks with my kids, sitting and playing a card game from start to finish, without passing out in the middle of it etc.  In 2 months, my heart will be working 100% perfectly, after it has time to adjust to the changes.  I might feel a flutter here and there, but that is because it is adjusting to the new circuit flow and rhythm.

Yesterday morning, my hubby said I already looked healthier.  What a GREAT compliment!  For the first time in my children's lives, their mommy will be healthy and strong.  How can we not rejoice?

I firmly believe that I am to use this experience to help others learn about this life-threatening condition.  Some of the blessings (besides the ones I have already told you about just now) are that I have made new friends along the way and strengthened already existing friendships.  I have seen the smiles on the faces of my loved ones as they have learned that I no longer am at high risk for sudden cardiac death.  I have felt Heaven's blessings pour abundantly on us as we have been loved through this very difficult time in our lives.  My heart is healthy.  My heart beats strong.  How can I deny that this is a Divine outcome?

I had an amazing team of doctors and nurses.  For them, I will be forever grateful.  I went into the surgery lab with my doctor planning on giving me a permanent device to keep me alive.  I came out without one, and my heart was fixed for good. "This never happens, Jenny."  Well, it did and in my book, that is a miracle!

My name is Jenny McKinney.  My heart is miraculous and you bet I really want some chocolate!

 

The Blessings of Receiving

It is interesting to see the work of the Lord in my life right now.  There are times where I am on the receiving end of service, but more often, I am on the giving end of it all.  So often of late, I feel like I am on the receiving end and only that.  It seems to go against my very nature.  I think the Lord wants me to learn humility.  Again.  This seemingly constant inner struggle of being a receiver has led me to really start counting my blessings.  When we count our blessings and express gratitude, we draw closer to God.  We speak in one of His greatest love languages.  After recent conversations with friends, and counting kindnesses that I have been blessed with, I see this is how it must be.  For the first time in many years, I really need to learn how to take care of me.  My auntie once told me that to deny others the opportunity to serve us is to deny them blessings.  How can I deny blessings to others?  How can I not feel blessed to be on this receiving end at this time in my life?  I will rest.  I will be open and accepting of the kindness of others.  I will be grateful.

Through this journey to healing my heart, I am making new friends and bonding deeply with ones I was already blessed to have in my life.  Some of these friends have done things that have touched me deeply, like changing their Facebook profile pictures to match my own heart one, asking for prayers on my behalf, and just sending notes of love and encouragement.  I am so humbled and grateful for those acts of kindness.  My new friend, Lindsey, has this same, rare condition and she has been offering me wonderful insight and understanding through this difficult time.  For this, I am grateful.  Yesterday, she wrote to me, "I can't say for sure if you'll be okay, but you are in my prayers. I ask that you first and foremost receive peace, that God's work be done in your life, and that He heal your heart."  God's work is certainly being done in my life, of nothing more than reminding me of how I must be more humble, more accepting, more grateful.

This Monday, I go in for the first of two procedures.  To some, it may seem routine.  To me, it is not.  I am nervous, but I am not scared for the Lord has my heart in His hands.  I know many are praying on my behalf, for which I am grateful.  For those that would like to join my husband and I, we will also be holding a special fast that day as well, that the doctors hands will be guided this week, that the Lord will do His wonders among us, and that the breaks of this heart will be mended. Like my friend Lindsey so kindly expressed, I do not know if I will be okay, but I know God's work will be done in my life.

My name is Jenny McKinney and my heart is in God's hands. Oh, and I really want some chocolate.