Liar, Liar- are Your Pants on Fire?

Are you the kind of person that sees a miracle for what it is or are you one who only believes if it is convenient for you?  I am in the first category.  I have seen too many to deny them, whether they are my own or belong to someone else.

I am writing this post for a few reasons. 
1- I want you to know that I still have very real struggles in my life.
2- So people will realize what happened to me was not a life-fixer, but a life-saver
3- To help you see to not waste your time on the people who create toxicity in your life.  Celebrate life with those who support you, believe you (and the doctors) and believe in you.  It is they that truly matter.

The heart struggles are still very real in that it has only been 10 days since the doctors saved my life.  I am still sore.  I am still bruised.  I am still tired.  Everyday, I get better and better and I know one day, I will be completely whole again.  I look forward to that day.  I look forward to everyday, for that matter. 

You have heard my heart story, but there is more to it.  Without going into great detail, I will say this past week, I was accused of making up my heart condition.  The accusation came from someone I used to be very close to, but due circumstances in our late teens, that tie had to be broken.  We only recently made contact again and have worked on mending our relationship.  Now, I have chosen to severe those ties again.  This is not because I cannot forgive.  It is because I will not stand to be called a liar.  Because I was heart healthy in my youth, it was assumed I always have been.  Obviously this is not true.  ARVD is real.  I had it.  I could show all the medical records and hospital bills from the past 16 years, but really, what good will that do when I am not believed anyway? 


It reminds me of stories in the scriptures when people asked Jesus to prove He was God.  They would take the attitude of, "Prove it to me and I will believe you."  That is not faith, folks.  You might as well say He is a liar.  He knows who He is and if someone chooses to not believe Him, that is their problem and not His.  This is how I feel.  I cannot make everyone believe that I am truthful in my story, but I am.  I have a dozen or more doctors and hundreds of people who have witnessed the heart struggles I've had- the arrhythmia, the dizzy spells, the passing out.  I was told from early on not to have children, or I could die, although the docs did not know exactly why.  Now we do.  Do you want to be the one to convince my children that their mom has faked her illness their whole lives?  I did not think so. 

I speak the truth.  My heart was broken.  Now it is fixed.  What the doctors were able to do (combined with the other two factors- I call it the Triple Threat)  did not fix my life, but it definitely saved it.  I still have financial struggles with my hubby.  I still have a boy with Asperger's and ADHD.  I still have a little girl who desperately wants her own room again.  I still am living with family and not yet in our own home.  I still have bills to pay.  I still have people who do not like me.  I still make mistakes.  But.... my heart does not skip beats all day long.  I no longer pass out.  I am able to drive again.  I am able to exercise again.  My heart can race and I will not die from it. 

Dr. B and his team saved me.  I. Am. Alive. 

It is all right to let go of those who only bring you down.  You are not here to please them.  You are here to reach your divine potential.  So celebrate!  Go out and find a friend that lifts you up and helps you laugh!  Sing while in the shower!  Dance in the rain with your kids!  Fill your life with joy, happiness and light!!  Those who can bring these feelings into your life are the ones you want to continue on with.  Keep smiling and always remember who you are. 

I took several pictures tonight- ones that would prove I actually did get a series of tests ran (again) and as a result of the findings I did end up getting a heart procedure in the hospital.  I wanted to "prove" something in the off chance that the non-believers read this entry.  I have decided, however, that it will do no good.  It is a battle I choose to not fight.  My life is fully blessed with people who love me, enrich my soul and most of all.... who believe me.  For me, that is enough. 

My name is Jenny McKinney.  My pants are not on fire and I really want some chocolate.

The Miracle of my Heart- Part II

The Procedure Hours
As I was wheeled into the lab (reminder: the OR for the heart and lung unit), they gave me a nice warm blankey to cover myself up as I was transferred onto the operating table.  Ah, so toasty!  Introductions were made all around.  What a nice team they were!  After I told them my daughter's instructions and they said they planned on fixing my heart the best they could, the anesthesiologist said,  "All right, I have just given you some happy juice.  Some people do not like how it makes them feel."  I replied that I didn't either.  I did not even get to count backwards from 10, because I was out so fast.  The next memory I have, I was waking up in recovery- 3 1/2 hours later!

I love when I am entertaining to others and have no recollection of it myself.  My husband, children, and closest friends refer to this behavior as the "after 10 drunkness."  My mother was witness to this behavior, as well as the medical team, as I was coming out of my unconscious state, totally loopy from the drugs that had me knocked out.  "Whooooo are youuuuu??" I asked the nurse.  Apparently Nurse Brandi introduced herself to me 3 times before I finally remembered we had met already.  The same went for the others in the room.  I would ask a question, then doze off.  Ask a question, then doze off, keeping everyone in stitches while doing so.  Some of the other question consisted of, "Where... where am I?" and "What is going on here?"  Ah... I love not remembering.  I even called my hubby and sister to let them know everything went well... and later had to be told I talked to them, because I did not remember.

The Best News EVER
I am sure it was a bit nerve racking for my mom to be the one to take in all the news from Dr. B, since I was a bit.... incoherent.  She was told everything went really well and they did not put in the ICD.  When she asked if I would be coming back later in the week to get it, she was told the best news ever: It looked like I will never need it!!  Say what??  Here is what was explained to me over the next few hours. 

This Never Happens
When the camera was placed in my heart, the med team quickly learned that it is not as enlarged as they thought it was originally.  I was given the medicine to make my heart act up in order to find the circuit(s) causing the problem.  Even if they were to find the circuit and ablate it, my condition was bad enough I needed the ICD to live!  What happened was they immediately were able to find the circuit causing the arrhythmia.  "This never happens," is what the nurse explained to me.  She said usually when they get in there, the heart decides to behave and it takes several tries to find the correct circuit.  This was not the case for me.  They fixed the problem by cauterizing the end of the circuit, ultimately making little scars on my heart in order to create a new electrical flow.  My heart began to beat normally, evenly, for the first time in my entire adult life.  After it was stable, they gave me more meds, trying to cause it to react to negative situation that could occur in the future- arrhythmia, cardiac arrest, etc.  The great news?  My heart kept beating steadily and never responded to the drugs.  The problem was fixed!!  Once it was fixed, it was determined I would never have to have the ICD and the ARVD is simply..... gone!  I do not have it anymore!  (Now what will I blog about?)  I will no longer have the dizzy spells, the fatigue, the passing out!  After more than 16 years, my heart will not fight me everyday.  It also looks as if my children will not inherit the condition after all!!  Say what?  Could that be because in the two short weeks my genes had changed enough that they were no longer convinced this was a genetic mutation?  I do not know (and whether or not you agree) but I believe those products certainly could have had something to do with that conclusion.

So Now What?
In three weeks, I go in for a check up.  As I said before, for the first time in my adult life (I was diagnosed with arrhythmia at age 20. I am now 36) my heart is working properly.  Beep... beep... beep... said the steady beeps on the monitor as I looked at it after the procedure.  At last!  Before I went in, my heart rate could not even stay above 60 bpm.  It was even dropping into the 40's.  After, it was a steady 78 bpm.  Hallelujah!!  I am having to take it really easy for 3-4 days with no lifting more than a jug of milk, only stepping up with my left leg first, walking around for 5-10 min at a time, but mostly staying down or sitting at a angle in which I am not bending at the hip.  In a week, I will be able to start doing normal things again.  What is normal?  Driving (I have not done this for months), taking walks with my kids, sitting and playing a card game from start to finish, without passing out in the middle of it etc.  In 2 months, my heart will be working 100% perfectly, after it has time to adjust to the changes.  I might feel a flutter here and there, but that is because it is adjusting to the new circuit flow and rhythm.

Yesterday morning, my hubby said I already looked healthier.  What a GREAT compliment!  For the first time in my children's lives, their mommy will be healthy and strong.  How can we not rejoice?

I firmly believe that I am to use this experience to help others learn about this life-threatening condition.  Some of the blessings (besides the ones I have already told you about just now) are that I have made new friends along the way and strengthened already existing friendships.  I have seen the smiles on the faces of my loved ones as they have learned that I no longer am at high risk for sudden cardiac death.  I have felt Heaven's blessings pour abundantly on us as we have been loved through this very difficult time in our lives.  My heart is healthy.  My heart beats strong.  How can I deny that this is a Divine outcome?

I had an amazing team of doctors and nurses.  For them, I will be forever grateful.  I went into the surgery lab with my doctor planning on giving me a permanent device to keep me alive.  I came out without one, and my heart was fixed for good. "This never happens, Jenny."  Well, it did and in my book, that is a miracle!

My name is Jenny McKinney.  My heart is miraculous and you bet I really want some chocolate!

 

The Blessings of Receiving

It is interesting to see the work of the Lord in my life right now.  There are times where I am on the receiving end of service, but more often, I am on the giving end of it all.  So often of late, I feel like I am on the receiving end and only that.  It seems to go against my very nature.  I think the Lord wants me to learn humility.  Again.  This seemingly constant inner struggle of being a receiver has led me to really start counting my blessings.  When we count our blessings and express gratitude, we draw closer to God.  We speak in one of His greatest love languages.  After recent conversations with friends, and counting kindnesses that I have been blessed with, I see this is how it must be.  For the first time in many years, I really need to learn how to take care of me.  My auntie once told me that to deny others the opportunity to serve us is to deny them blessings.  How can I deny blessings to others?  How can I not feel blessed to be on this receiving end at this time in my life?  I will rest.  I will be open and accepting of the kindness of others.  I will be grateful.

Through this journey to healing my heart, I am making new friends and bonding deeply with ones I was already blessed to have in my life.  Some of these friends have done things that have touched me deeply, like changing their Facebook profile pictures to match my own heart one, asking for prayers on my behalf, and just sending notes of love and encouragement.  I am so humbled and grateful for those acts of kindness.  My new friend, Lindsey, has this same, rare condition and she has been offering me wonderful insight and understanding through this difficult time.  For this, I am grateful.  Yesterday, she wrote to me, "I can't say for sure if you'll be okay, but you are in my prayers. I ask that you first and foremost receive peace, that God's work be done in your life, and that He heal your heart."  God's work is certainly being done in my life, of nothing more than reminding me of how I must be more humble, more accepting, more grateful.

This Monday, I go in for the first of two procedures.  To some, it may seem routine.  To me, it is not.  I am nervous, but I am not scared for the Lord has my heart in His hands.  I know many are praying on my behalf, for which I am grateful.  For those that would like to join my husband and I, we will also be holding a special fast that day as well, that the doctors hands will be guided this week, that the Lord will do His wonders among us, and that the breaks of this heart will be mended. Like my friend Lindsey so kindly expressed, I do not know if I will be okay, but I know God's work will be done in my life.

My name is Jenny McKinney and my heart is in God's hands. Oh, and I really want some chocolate.