Still Learning

As I think about growing up in Mesa, Arizona, I recall how I spent my summer days outside. 122 degrees or not, you could find me in the neighborhood swimming pool, climbing trees, or running barefoot through the field, even racing barefoot down the blacktop. Our family struggled financially, but we had a home to live in. We had our set of struggles for sure, but in looking back, I can remember many carefree days. We had no idea my heart would eventually be a ticking time bomb from a CHD that would lie dormant until I was an adult. I sometimes have wondered how much the strep infections I had lead the the weakening of my heart. Curiously, my heart now beats strong, with numerous days ahead- too many to count.

There are days when it is hard for me to believe that I am approaching the one year anniversary of my successful heart surgery. Where has the time gone? I am finally coming out of the struggle I've had of of not knowing which direction to take my life. Although it has taken a long time, I finally understand why God chose to spare me. I have a mission I have not yet completed. I have lives to touch, lessons to learn, others to assist. I cannot yet be as the angels when God still needs me here. The storms still rage around me, but there is peace in knowing where I am going. As long as I put my trust in God, He will guide me with His loving hand. Also, I am getting a bit excited, because I am going to be celebrating my one year heartiversary in a big way! I look forward to the new memories with a happy, healthy heart.

My own experiences are bringing me to people that have changed me life for good, people I would have not met otherwise. I have made some new friends who live just down the sidewalk from me. They have a brand new baby, just a month old. When he went in for his one week check-up, they learned he has a condition called Total Anomalous Pulmonary Venous Return (TAPVR).  He was life-flighted from the doctors office to the Primary Children's Hospital (PCH) where they have one of the best cardiac heart teams in the country, if not the world. There, he had to have emergency open heart surgery (OHS) in order to live. Last night, they had to take their baby back to the hospital last night to admit him for an infection. During that time, I had the blessing of watching their eldest, barely two years old. I was in awe of the faith the parents of these baby boys carry. They have full trust in the doctors and in God that whatever is to come is supposed to be. Some may say they are naive. I say their faith is refreshing!

Late last night, after the parents came to pick up their eldest son, I sat down to research TAPVR. I found this website which is great at helping one learn about the various defects. During my research, I learned that there are 49 Congenital Heart Defects (CHD). FORTY-NINE!!! Do you know that 1 in 100 children are born with a CHD? My defect, ARVD, is classified under Electrophysiology Defects. Although I am no longer struggling with mine, I still read up on it, so I understand it better. This information may be critical in months and years to come.

It is not until now I have publicly shared some information. Until now, I was hoping there is nothing to tell. Yet, I feel compelled to share it, for there may be another mother who is enduring the same emotional turmoil that this mother's heart is feeling. There is a 50/50 chance my children will have my genetic condition. So far, my two eldest have not shown any signs. My third, however, is showing nearly every one. Curiosity strikes my spirit strongly as my husband and I prepare for our youngest son to see the cardiologist. On August 6th, we will take him to see a leading cardiologist at PCH. From there, it will be determined what tests are necessary, if any, to learn of the functions of his heart. As a mother and a CHD survivor, I know, I know there is something not quite right. I see it when he wakes up from a deep sleep and his heart is racing at more than 130 BPM. I see it when he walks down the hall, suddenly becoming super fatigued. I see it when we are out hiking together and I check his heart rate, where it has drastically dropped to the low 60's. Something is not quite right. I was hoping it was years before we would have to face this again, if ever. The time has come much sooner than I anticipated, especially only learning a year ago that one or more of my children may dace the same future as I. I just pray for strength on his behalf that whatever we are facing, he will survive.... that we will survive.

I know it is God's will in whatever is to come. He created B-Man's heart and mind. God knew what He was doing when He wired B-Man's brain in such a way that modern doctors would tell us he has autism. This same Creator also knew what He was doing when He put this exact heart in B-Man's body. It is a perfect heart- perfect for whatever lessons B needs to learn in this life and what God needs us to learn as well. God is perfect in His knowledge, even if we are not. Peace does not evade me, but instead permeates my soul. God is with us, walking this road- no matter where it leads.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am a heart warrior, and possibly a heart mom. Instead of chocolate, I think I shall return to bed.

The Road to.... Regret??

"Regret" has a question mark next to it because I am not yet sure if that is exactly how I am feeling. Maybe it is more of a let down. When I share this with you, for those of you whom I talk to on a regular basis, please do not dish out the "I-told-you-so" comments. I already have realized my choices were not the best. Now I have to decide what to do about them.

It has been exactly seven months and three days since I was wheeled into the heart lab for my surgery. Seven months later, I am rather... surprised with how I feel. Let me give you a little back story so you will understand.

I am a thinker, a dreamer, but mostly a doer. I am one that if I see something that needs to be done, I will just jump in and do it. This is great, but sometimes can be one's downfall. One year ago, I was in the middle of my musical production that I wrote and directed. Truth: Although my health was very poor then, many days I felt better then than I do now. (Grammatical friends, please tell me I used those two homophones correctly! I really concentrated in writing them!) ;)

Here is the thing: Three months ago, when Dr. B said my heart was 100% good to go and I could now do anything I want, I really thought that meant I could do anything. He reminded me it could take a good year before my energy was restored to its full capacity. I have taken time to rest, I really have. I have more energy than I have had in years. I have been careful, especially when exercising, to listen to my heart. I have taken days off at a time from workouts and running because I could not shake the fatigue that has been hanging onto me since August 12 or the pain that I sometimes still have. I have been increasing my energy shakes and resting as needed. I have been eating a lot better (although I still eat chocolate). Since the time change, I am not sleeping as long at night, but even before that, I felt a little funky. Am I doing a lot? Well, sure! I am a wife, mother, a homeschool teacher, and music composer! I do not sit around all day watching tv, because I have laundry to switch and a closet to organize and a song to write. I cannot just stop living because I am a bit tired. So, I go until I feel like I need to stop, and usually, I do.

Here is the struggle: I really, truly thought that when I was told my heart is fine and I could just... go, I was supposed to hit 100% right then! I know it might sound silly, but my reasoning was, "My heart is fine. I have been sick for a long time and now I am better. When I tell people my heart is now fine, they will probably expect me to behave full of life and energy, not be tired still. If I tell my kids my heart ok and they see me still resting a lot or not be on my feet all the time, they are going to worry that something is still wrong. So, I just need to jump in with both feet. I need to be at 100% capacity right now, because.... my heart is fine."

Now... the part that makes me want to cry:
I. Was. Wrong.

Oh, I do not cry because I was wrong, but because I worry about letting down others. How can it be 7 months later and I feel like I need to rest more now than just after the surgery? How can it be 7 months later and I am having chest pains again, albeit not nearly as bad as before I was in the heart surgeon's hands? How can I go back and reverse the decisions I have made? Am I going to let people down? I hate being a disappointment to others. It is not in my nature. The hardest part... I do not think that I can do this marathon..... YET. I really hope this does not let down those heart families I am representing. I would never want to disappoint them.

Now, I AM going to run a marathon. I have followed the training schedule and I know that I can do it by fall as a runner, but not as a heart patient. I am not going to be ready by fall because.... here is the truth I am finally admitting to myself... I am still healing! Yes, yes, I know that many of you have been telling me that. I get it. I know you were right but so was I. I was right to try to do what I could for the stability of my family and for my sanity. Now, though, my truth is that.... it is too soon. It is just too soon. I have done my very best and I am working towards that ultimate goal, but I have to do it when my heart tells me it's ok to push myself. I will still run for those kiddos that cannot do it themselves. I am going to protect my heart and for once, put myself first, and push off the marathon date. The thought of letting anyone down makes me want to weep, but if I am to be true to myself, and honor the body God gave me, I cannot push anymore. For the first time, probably ever, I am going to slow down, because... I need to.

This decision has been SO hard to make. If I want my heart to stay healthy and strong, I know that this is what I have to do... I have to detour a bit is all. I have chosen to honor myself, and in that, honor the God that created me. This is the only body I have, so I will do all I can to help it function the way He intends for it to... well.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I will live with faith, not regret and... I really want some chocolate.

New Year JOG!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Isn't it wonderful- to have a whole year to improve before the next one rolls around? Isn't it GREAT to have a whole new year to reach your potential? I LOVE having a new year!

Today, I did something I was not expecting to do just yet. For the first time in four years.... I jogged. I JOGGED!!! I was going up the incline and thought, "Why not? You've gotta try sometime!" So there I went- jogging! I remembered my jogging posture and went about 20 yards before I started walking again. WOW! That felt AMAZING! Because it felt so amazing, I decided to try it again! I walked about 30 yards, then started jogging again! I heard a vehicle approaching, so I looked to make sure I was not too close to its path when I heard, "You can do it! WOOO!!!" It was my HUSBAND! How cute is that?!?! I yelled at him,
     "I'm jogging! I'm jogging! I'm really doing it!" all while passing the mark I had set as my goal. As I jogged and he drove, we chatted.
     "How does it feel?" he asked with a big smile on his face.
     "It feels AMAZING!" I enthusiastically responded. Do you know what? It did feel great! I continued doing the walk/jog/walk/jog rhythm, paying close attention to how my heart area felt. I want to weep as I write this. For this first time in adulthood that I can recall, my heart did not hurt when I jogged! 

I cannot tell you how awe-inspiring it is to think that 6 months ago I was told my heart was failing and I needed a life-saving surgery and today I was jogging without any pain. God is so Good! He lead the medical team to save my life. He performed a miracle in me. How can I not continue on this path that He has placed me on? How can I not think of my little heart friends?

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am officially a jogger (runner?) and I do NOT want any chocolate, because I had too much last night! ;)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

    

Heart Hero Marathon

I have done it. I have gone completely batty..... or at least that was eluded to in a conversation I had today. I have decided to train this upcoming year to... gulp... run... RUN.... (I do not run!).... a marathon!! Unlike so many athletes out there who are in no way crazy, what makes me a little odd is that I do not even run! I love the outdoors and I enjoy taking walks. I even have enjoyed playing sports over the years for fun, but I am in no way an "athlete" and in no way a "runner." So what made me decide to set this hard-to-achieve goal? The Heart Warrior kids, of course!!

A few months back, I joined the IHH group (Intermountain Healing Hearts). They are SO loving and accepting of heart families, even us adults with CHD we did not know about until mid 30's. I fall in love with the heart kiddos everyday as parents ask for prayers, share stories of triumphs and tell about their heart child gaining angels wings. It is a place of healing, of support, of love. Recently, Taylorsville High in Salt Lake City had a fundraiser for IHH. As a thank you to them, IHH put together this video of some of the Heart Hero Warriors in our Heart Family. I fell in love with them even more! I have been praying for guidance as to what I can do to show my love and appreciation to this marvelous group of friends. I have been asking God to guide me to know how I can take my now-healthy heart and use it to bring glory to Him. I know He wants me to teach others about these heart heroes. These thoughts joined other thoughts I have been having.

I want to DO something to celebrate my life! I want to DO something to say, "Hey! God has used His great power to do wonders through me. Pay attention to what He does with you!" I want to DO something so one day someone will say, "Remember that crazy woman who _____? That inspired me. I want to do something as well." Then, a few days ago, I can across some love notes from Cheryl Nelson, my beloved high school English teacher, who passed away in 2000 from lung cancer. She was a marathon runner and breast cancer survivor. She was also like another mother to me. She was one of the most single impacting people in my life. I miss her greatly. She is still inspiring me today.

The past few weeks, I have considered not writing on this blog anymore. After all, I need to simplify things in my life. Then I thought, "What if? What if someone out there, just one person, needs to hear more of my story? Ah, but what story do I have to tell? I have shared my heart story." So, I prayed some more. After watching that video, finding these love notes, reading an article about her passing, and praying again about what I can do to bring light and love to the Heart Warriors, I knew what I had to do. I had to commit to something- BIG- and follow through. I had to tell people- publicly- about it so I can be held accountable. And now, the commitment is made and I am going to do it- I am going to run a marathon!

Please note: I am NOT doing this to bring any form of glory to myself. I am doing this because I want to honor Cheryl Nelson who inspired me to do something great in my life. I am doing this because I want to do what those Heart Warriors- the Jace's, the Baylee's, the Christina's- may never be able to do for themselves. Mostly, I am doing this to do this to bring honor to God. He did heal me, after all. So let's do something to celebrate!

Join with me on my journey as I began getting in shape so I can start training. Today, I took my first 20 minute walk since my heart procedure this summer. That is 20 minutes more than I could walk two months ago! Yes, I know I have a LONG way to go, especially since I am not a runner, but I know with God by my side, and Heart Warriors cheering me on, I will do this!

My name is Jenny McKinney. I might just be crazy because I am going to run a marathon. Oh, and I really, really want some chocolate, but will pass for now. ;)

Relapse

Do you remember way back when I had my surgery? (Ok, it wasn't that long ago!) For the first two weeks, I was doing waaaaay too much. (Now don't give me those looks! I had energy!) Although I found out is was because the energy was from the adrenaline pumped into my body after the procedure, to me it was like I was a squirrel who just drank a double caffeinated mocha latte*. When that ran out, BAM!! I was hit with a fatigue like a Whack-a-Mole victim suddenly getting taken out. Over time, though, I was able to rest a lot and slowly my strength has been returning.... until now.

With our recent move, the stairs that have forced their way into my life, and taking a daily turn at walking our beautiful Australian Shepherd, it is certainly understandable that I am a little run down. However, I went to bed last night with a lot of pain in the region of my lower surgical site and awoke feeling... relapsed.

I am more tired then I have been for weeks and the pain is as if I had the procedure three weeks ago, instead of three months. I do not have the energy to do anything today except get up to get a drink or a quick bite to eat. Perhaps part of it is because I am fighting an infection elsewhere in my body, but I am exhausted. I am back to taking daily naps, and they are usually an hour or more. This is really frustrating to a mother who has three homeschooled children and has finally began to feel more human in a very long time.

Maybe this is a relapse. Maybe it is my body telling me to slow down. I finally am going to my post-op appointment next week, so I can talk to the doctor about it then. (Now, please stop giving me those lecturing mother looks! I'll admit I was avoiding going in, but I finally made the appointment, all right?) I do not know if this is normal for others who have been through this same journey. What I do know is that I am trying to be patient in my healing process. I share this with you to remind you, as well as myself, that sometimes we need to be more patient, loving, and gentle, with ourselves.




*(I actually have no idea what that means because I do not drink coffee.)

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am working on my patience and I really want some chocolate!

Undeniably Blessed

Do not try to convince me otherwise..... I KNOW without a doubt that I am blessed. Three months ago today, I wrote about getting ready to head into surgery. Two days later, I wrote the first part of my heart miracle. Today, I sit here in awe as I realize it was three months ago today that I received my miracle. Three months! How is it that three months ago, I was dying and today, I live?

I have been recapping the events leading up to that day in the hospital where my miracle was granted. What the world could not see was that day after day, I was laying on the couch at my folks house, unable to do anything but rest for hours on end. I would fix meals, if I had a bit of energy, but I usually required a LOT of assistance from my children or husband in order to do so. I remember more than once where my mom came in from work, took one look at me laying there, and her eyes began to swell with tears.
     "What's wrong, Mom?" I would ask her.
     "You are just so.... sick," she would sadly reply.

I supposed I never really saw it, until then. I really was sick. It seemed that once I got the diagnosis back in June, after more than a dozen years of doctors running tests, my body decided it was ok to be sick. It was ok to be in pain, to faint, to have such severe fatigue, I could hardly function most days. That diagnosis validated everything I thought I had been imagining all those years that I pushed through the pain. My heart was enlarged. My circuits were going crazy. My heart was working way too hard to function properly. That diagnosis was permission to rest, because if I did not rest, then I would die.

It had been my life for more than 5 years, I told her. This was "normal" for me. She has been at my father's side for many years with his failing heart. She knows the signs. I was dying. It was hard for some to see, because I would still go to church or other activities. What they did not see is that when I got home, I would collapse for hours afterwards. Sure, I would go grocery shopping for 30 minutes, then I would spend the next three hours recovering from that outing. For the most part, my life came to a halt. My bedtime went from 10pm, to 9 pm, and eventually worked its way down to 6 pm. Often, I would make sure someone was overseeing dinner, climb into my pajamas (if I got out of them that day) then go to bed, falling asleep long before my children dreamed with the angels. I was not allowed to go do anything strenuous, and even walking was only if someone was with me. Once I had my diagnosis, once we were in a place where I had help with my children, it was as if my mind gave permission to my body to really start feeling what was happening. My heart was failing me. It would take a major surgery to keep me alive. Without that surgery, tt would take a miracle to survive at all.

Three months ago, you fasted and prayed for me. Three months ago, the Spirit guided the hands of my heart surgeon. Three months ago, the problem was found, then corrected. Three months ago, the doctors tested my heart to go into cardiac arrest and it did not respond to the drugs- a great sign! Three months ago, I was told (although I have no recollection because I was so drugged up) that my heart was fixed, that I would never have to get the life saving device and that, with time and healing, I would be fine.

How am I able to be simply mortal, yet have this Divine understanding?
God uses us to fulfill His purposes. He has granted me the life I need to share my story, so that I can bring glory to Him. (It is taking all the control I have to not weep while I write this.) I know He is mindful of each of us. I know that my life has been spared for a purpose. He loves me. I am His greatest creation! He loves you. You are His greatest creation!

I do not need to know about the intricacies of how my heart works, because that is what the specialists are for. I just need to know I had a condition that was life-threatening and God, in all of His Glory, guided my team of doctors to correcting the electrical storm that was raging. The storm has been stilled. I am still tired. I am still healing, but I am ALIVE!! 

 My name is Jenny McKinney. I am so blessed. Want some chocolate? 

(Picture is "Peace, Be Still" by Simon Dewey.)

The Facebook Purge (Healing- PART III)

Facebook... ah, the word alone brings up bittersweet thoughts. On one hand, it is so great to know that we can make contact with people all over the world in an instant. On the other hand, it can be a place of damaging drama and addiction.

During an especially dark few days this past month, I wondered about the 889 "friends" I had on my social media page. How many of them had I actually had any form of contact with over the past year? Probably about half. Perhaps a third. Out of those 300-400 or so, how many of them have made an effort to seek me out? To make comments on my status updates, to email me personally? To show somehow that they cared about me? Maybe about 200. So "Why," I asked myself, "do I have that many people on my friends list?" Then, I started categorizing who they were and the reasons I kept them on there.

- Family. They are family, so I am obligated to keep them on my friend's list, right? Even though they have not been on Facebook in the five years I have been friends with them on there; even though we never, ever have had any form of personal communication in years, whether or not through the site; even though in "real life" we have rarely spoken to each other or have even met, for that matter, I am obligated to keep them on there, right?
- Church Acquaintances. We go/went to church together. Even though we have never had any contact at church, or on Facebook; even though they had greatly mistreated me and I am still working on forgiving them; even though I have only heard of their name in the church world, I am obligated to keep them on there, right?
- High School Friends. We went to school together 20+ years ago (am I really old enough to say that?) and we never talked then, so of course we should be Facebook friends now, right?
- Music Fans. Some people heard my music online or at a performance, then sent me a friend request. If they are fans, then they might need to hear the positive messages I strive to share on a regular basis. Maybe they are in the dark and that message is bringing them hope for that day, so I am obligated to keep them on there, right?
- Strangers or Friends of Friends. Yes, there were people on my friends list that I have no idea who they are. Some we lived in the same city so they sent a request. Others saw me comment on a mutual friend's page, so they sent me a request.

So there they were... a bunch of people I did not know or never had any contact with. I knew many of them would not care of I unfriended them, because we never had any contact. So, without much hesitation, I began the Spring Cleaning process. Deep down, I knew that as a public figure of sorts, I may be damaging my fan base, but in that moment, it was about survival and finding my way out of the dark. It was about ridding my life of anything extra, including nameless and faceless people that were just.... there. I began unfriending, then what began as therapeutic turned into unhealthy thoughts.

I began rationalizing the why of what I was doing. I am going to delete her because she only pretends to like me. I know she really doesn't. If she liked me, then she would have made an attempt to talk to me in the past few months. (I never stopped to consider what she might be dealing with in her own life.) Or how about, Sure, they are related, but are they really family? I mean, if they cared, they would have asked about my recovery. They would have expressed some concern about my heart during all of this testing and procedures I had done. They never asked, so they must not care. The most common thought I felt myself having as I was doing my Facebook Purge was that of If I unfriend Person A but keep Person B, then Person A will surely notice and dislike me even more than they already do. They will judge me for keeping Person B and not them. There were also thoughts such as, So what if I am in the public eye? Does that mean it is my responsibility to keep all these so-called "friends" because one of my messages I share might save them that day? Well, yes, Jenny McKinney, actually that responsibility does come with the territory.

Truth be told, even with 889 Facebook friends, and many of them being "real life" friends, I felt very alone. During that struggle of loneliness, I began rejecting people in my life because I felt they did not care. In many ways, I was walking a path of self-created darkness so I did what I knew how to do: I purged my life of what I thought was causing some the darkness..... people who did not care... or did they? When I found out my beloved friend had cancer, I shut her out. I could not deal with it. Oh, I cared alright, cared to the point of grieving so deeply that I did not make contact with her while she struggled through her horrible treatments. I prayed for her continually, and loved her from afar, but I never sent a note, never called, never let her know how much I was cheering for her. My heart ached on her behalf and I knew that if I tried to contact her, I would be a mess and have nothing to offer her. So, I prayed that angels would attend her and somehow she would feel of my love from afar. When her treatments were coming to an end and I finally contacted her, I was so sorrowful that I had not been a better friend. She instantly forgave me and lifted my spirits, because that's the kind of friend she is.

Maybe some of those friends and family who became invisible in my life were doing as I did with Kami... loving me from afar. Praying for me. Cheering me on as they read my blog, or learned of what I was dealing with. I am grateful for that. Truly. Though this process, though, I have learned that one really does recover quicker when they know they are loved.

Now, I recognize some of these thoughts as being unhealthy, but when you are in that darkness, it binds you. Once those unhealthy thoughts find their launching point, they can quickly snowball out of control. Many times, it takes hitting rock bottom before something begins to change. For me, the change began when I find out one of my children was suffering from their own deep, scarring darkness and needed me to love them through it. My behavior was not going to help. I had to change it so I could be their for them. It has taken some serious self-reflection, hours of prayer, scripture study, temple attendance, and getting into the habit (of which I am still developing) of taking a nutritional product (that I took years ago and saw excellent results, but stopped taking for the past several years) to start seeing results. I also spent a lot of time talking through things with my husband and my bishop (pastor) before I began to feel the changes taking place. I finally reached out to you and asked for prayers on my behalf. Then, as I recently shared, the darkness began to lift. All these things came together for my own good. For that, I am truly grateful.

I am doing better. Honestly. I know much of that improvement comes as a result of prayers on my behalf, for which I am humbly grateful. I know there may be days of darkness ahead, but I now know I do not walk alone. I pray that those who have been hurt by my choices will be quick to forgive. I did not set out to hurt anyone. I was just trying to survive. If you want to make contact again, please send me a friend request. My heart is healing and ready to love again.

We are all beloved children of God. He uses us to accomplish His great works. We need to be there for each other, and not be afraid to love one another through the darkness. It is only when the Light breaks through that we can be whole again.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am healing and... I think I will go have some chocolate... hot chocolate.

Family Dynamics (Healing- PART II)

Like many of you, I come from a family with all sorts of dynamics. We have those who have stayed on the straight and narrow, those who have wandered and are still lost, and those who have left the path, been to the depths of hell, and found their way back, only to bask in the joy that comes from making choices pleasing to God. One thing that I have learned these past few months while living with my folks is that our parents (the ones I was born to that raised eight children) love their children. Now, all eight children may not see it, but I know it to be true. Over the past few months, I have seen my parents cry and grieve for the children who are hurting, and express sorrow for their own choices that may have led to the struggles of their children. They have expressed joy for the positive choices made, and have rejoiced when any of their children have accomplished something good, small or grand. Parents do not feel these emotions without love. Maybe not everyone can see it, but they love the best they know how.

When my family (my, the Hubby and kids) transitioned from Idaho to Utah this summer, my parents offered for us to stay with them while we looked for a place to live. This was going to be a very temporary stay, perhaps a month. We came on a Sunday. I had just finished all the tests in Idaho- the Echo, CT Scan, Cardiac MRI, etc. The only test left was to finish wearing the monitor. The week after we got to Utah is when my doctor called me from Idaho to share with me about the heart condition. It was a few days later I found out that I needed surgery. My parents did not hesitate. "Stay with while you go through your surgery and recovery." Even though the Hubby and I knew it would be tough in that small home with 9 people, I knew it would considerably lighten the load for me as the mother. I would not have to worry about who would oversee my children being fed, getting to bed, who would play "Mom" while Mom was down. The time with my parents definitely had some difficult moments (as being with family usually will), but there was great beauty in seeing my children get to know their grandparents. There was joy each day Gramma brought home stamps for Princess B's collection Gramma got her started on. There was definitely love. Even through the moments of me being frustrated with my brother, or my dad being a bit grumpy over me "nearly burning the house down" (It was one time, Dad!) there was love. There were long talks, laughter, silliness, love. They have loved us in the best way they know how.

That love has stayed with my little family as we have settled into our new lives in our new place. Now and again, I will see Princess B (age 6) sniffle a bit. When I ask her what is wrong, with sad, teary eyes, she answers, "I miss Gramma and Grampa." I remind her that isn't it wonderful we were able to spend that time with them while Mommy got better, so now she knows them well enough to miss them? I asked her what she loves about them. "Well, Gramma does bring me treasures (stamps) and she is kind. And Grampa is pretty funny." I then let her know that it is the memories she has made with them that make her love for them so special. It is healing to my heart to see these memories and love for her grandparents take place in the walls of my home.

Healing comes in all forms. Sometimes it is through service, other times it is relishing in the memories made. Right now, for me, it is in knowing that my parents, with their failing health, love me enough to take on a family of six for 4 1/2 months, so my heart can have a chance to be made whole.

My name is Jenny McKinney. My heart is healing and for once, I really do not want any chocolate.

Part III (final part of this series) coming soon!

The Journey to Healing... PART I

Ah, I love that moment.... that moment when suddenly everything clicks into place. Everything. Some of you know what I am talking about. It is the moment when I see the clouds slightly part above the steeple I am driving by first thing in the morning. That moment when God whispers to my soul, "Are you understanding yet? There is a purpose to everything under heaven. The heartaches, the depression, the surgery, the financial struggles, friendships lost and gained. All things come together to work for your good and My glory when we allow them to." THAT is the moment I am talking about. Today is one of those moments. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago, I finally made a very public admission: I have been struggling. I truly had no idea that I would receive such an outpouring of love. I very much felt near tangible prayers and love begin to pull me out of that dark place. There were notes of love, emails, phone calls- you name it! While I absolutely am grateful for all of those thoughts on my behalf, there are a few comments that especially struck me deeply that I want to share. Positive thoughts truly are a huge part of my healing process, both physically and emotionally.

From my friend, Erin, whom I met through a facebook group, but she became a heart sister very quickly: 
I love you, Jenny! I know you know Heavenly Father loves you. But you have had to be strong through some heavy stuff for a long time. I hope you know you don't need to be "stronger" - you just need support and friendship. You need safe, trusted, loving friends to rally around you over time. I pray for you that you receive that! It will do more than medicine. I hope my words that follow offer some understanding to those in your social circle locally and touch some hearts in your behalf.

After my peripartum cardiomyopathy (PPCM) (pregnancy-related heart failure), even after my heart was no longer enlarged, no longer in chronic heart failure, and the left ventrical function returned to normal, and so on, it took a long, long time for the rest of my body to catch up and heal. Even now, 7 years after diagnosis, my heart is deconditioned. It will take some vigorous exercise and consistency over time to get it stronger and reduce my high heart rate.

Well-meaning people caught up in the busy-ness of their lives don't understand that when your heart takes a hit - your whole body takes a hit. What's more, our emotions are impacted - our bodies, spirits, and emotions are intricately intertwined. That doesn't recover overnight just because the heart start beating normally again. Also, we have endured trauma - and that certainly takes time and sometimes other work or help to recover from.

You're just beginning the path of your recovery, my friend. I've been an admin for a support group for several years for women with PPCM, and I can tell you that your feelings and needs are normal and understandable. I hope you receive the listening ear, the help and support you need. Love you, Jenny. So glad you're reaching out.

From my dear friend, Sandi, who has known me my whole life, and knows me better than most. She is my soul sister in every way. 
You are no longer the girl with the mysterious heart issue. Your identity was wrapped up in that label for so long that you are now struggling with moving forward without that label that you hated but at the same time became a part of you. You will find yourself again. There is beauty all around you. You were afraid of experiencing true joy because you were afraid of losing it. Feel joy. See the beauty now with hope, not fear. I love you.

That love has stayed with me. Your love has stayed with me. I feel my heart getting better. My energy is returning, albeit slower than I would like. And the darkness? While I am sure I will still have bouts of it here and there throughout my life, for now, the darkness I have been experiencing for weeks is simply.... gone!

Love has lifted me to a higher place
God has granted me this love through His grace
It has taken my soul to a place I now know
Your love has helped me be whole

Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your love.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am healing and.... I already had chocolate. (It was frosting on a donut!)

Go to: Healing- Part II

Balancing Act

Raise your hand if you love the circus? (Yes, the one in the "Annabelle" episode of Little House counts. I loved how Laura made Manly's date run out. Ha!) I remember as a child going to a little local circus- probably like that of the "Gambini the Great" episode of Little House. (Why yes, I AM on a Little House kick right now. Thanks for asking.) It is not so much the clowns or elephants that come to mind when I think of the circus. It is that of the tight rope walker, especially when they are balancing something on a pole, head, or arms. A balancing act- isn't that what so many of us do from day to day? Balancing families, work, friends, social media (Admit it, you have to balance that too!) hobbies, etc.

When I was finally diagnosed, I became aware that I would have to balance out my day to day emotions with my heart condition. Because we were not expecting my heart to be permanently fixed, what I was not planning on was balancing my emotional state after my procedure. I know that I am still in healing mode after a 17 year (or more) battle with my heart. I understand that. What I cannot figure out is why my emotions are so fragile. Shouldn't I just be joyously jumping up and down day to day because I am going to live? I shared this with someone the other day: I am more uncertain about myself now than before my procedure. I knew what was in my future back then. Now, I do not know, thus, part of my emotional struggle.

For as long as I can remember, my life has been guided by God, almost to the point of hand holding. Now, it's as if He is saying, "Go the direction you want. You have earned that!"
    "But God," I reply, "What direction?"
    "Any direction!" He urges.
    "So are you saying I don't need You to tell me where I should be now? You are not going to guide me anymore?"
     "No, Child. I am simply saying that whatever path you choose, be it for good, I will always be right with you. However, it is your path to take now. You can take the steps on your own now. I will catch you when you fall, but I am letting you go. Time to walk, run and dance on your own."

Like any good parent, He is letting go and allowing me to soar. Like any human, I am an emotional wreck over it. I feel confused, sad, joyful, excited. I am angry one day and totally happy the next. It is a part of healing, I am sure. I am having to rediscover myself, reinvent who I desire to be. Like a tight rope walker, I am striving to balance my emotions- not on top of my head, not flipping around on a pole, but inside my heart. One thing is for sure. My heart is physically healed. Now, I just need to get it emotionally strong, unlike it has ever been before.

(This is a picture of my healed heart, drawn by my 6-year-old daughter)

I know one day, I will be able to permanently balance my emotions that come with a working heart. For now, I am happy to just be adjusting one day at a time.

My name is Jenny McKinney. My healthy heart is a balancing act and I really could use some chocolate.

Conquering Mountains... Almost

What makes you sparkle? This summer, as I have suffered with ARVD, had surgery and been recovering from all of it, all while moving to a new state and being in a temporary living situation with family, I have been on a search for my sparkle that I lost some time ago. I have searched in the trees, in the water, at the mall, in Idaho, and in chocolate (of course). 8 days ago, when we came across Samantha in her upside-down pickup truck, something shifted in me. (The photo was taken by Sam after her truck was turned upright.) After all the wheelings and dealings, I think I am getting close to finding my sparkle.

Let's Review: If you do not already know the story, I was going to die. Remember, I was at high risk for going into cardiac arrest. It took 16 years to be diagnosed with this heart condition and if the doctors did not do surgery on me and give me an ICD, then.... I would die. If my heart rate got over 120 bpm, it could kill me. Then, I had my miracle. The doctors fixed my heart and now.... I am going to live! Hooray!

In finding out I was going to live, I began to be more open to.... everything. I want to learn more. I want to experience more. I want to live more. However, I have to remember that even though it has been four weeks (and one day) since my hospital visit, I am still in recovery mode. I learned that the hard way when I went hiking yesterday. Oh boy, does my area of intrusion hurt! (Yes, Mom, I know you told me so. I had to try, though.) The hike was not overly difficult, but when you have recently had doctors send foreign objects into your veins and heart, you tend to feel it when using muscles you do not use everyday.

On this hike, my youngest boy and I stuck together. We liked to keep the slower pace because I am technically still in recovery and he is not much of a hiker. We would set a goal, make it to that goal, rest for a minute, then start all over again.
"Mom, I can't go anymore," he would express to me.
"Yes, you can! Let's just get to the tree (or stone, or marker) then we can rest. You can set the next goal after that," I would tell him. "You can do it!" Encouraging him to do this way the only way I could help him not quit the hike. He kept going. I kept going. We were going to do this thing!

When we were about to the top of the mountain, we stopped for our (hopefully) last rest. From where we were, we could see the Great Salt Lake. With total exhaustion, and nerves from the height, he sweetly said to me, "Mom, I just cannot go any farther." I reassured him that I was very proud of him for making it as far as he did and that I would finish the hike for both of us. He stayed at the lookout point, which alone was impressive to me, because it was rather high up. By then, my pain was not too bad, so I thought I could keep going. I went a little bit farther, just where the path curved and we had to climb over some small boulders, and then saw the drop-off. Immediately, I felt a panic attack setting in.

B-Man and I are both severely afraid of heights. I get nervous just climbing on a ladder. I get nervous taking the glass elevator up two floors at the local library. Hiking to the top of a mountain (or foothill in this case) was fine.... until I saw the drop. I knew that if I pushed my pain in my groin area, plus had a panic attack at the top, I would not make it down very easily. My husband and our teen son already had our 6-year-old girl, plus our dog, at the top. They did not need Baby Me to be up there, just to panic. I really wanted to do it, though. Truly. I wanted to finish for B-Man, who did the best he could. I wanted to do it for me, to celebrate my one-month mark of my new life. I really, really wanted to finish. So, I took one more step and... turned around. I came down the path, toward my youngest boy... and I was in tears.
"Mom, are you crying?" he kindly asked.
"Yes..... I have failed you, Buddy. I couldn't make it to the top. I am so sorry. I just couldn't do it. I have failed," I cried to my young son.
"Oh Mom," he replied. "You have not failed. You made it to the next goal. You kept going as far as you could. It's ok, Mom. I am proud of you. You did not fail."

He hugged me. B-Man rarely hugs anyone. I get a hug a day, because I am his mom. Even then, it is more like a pat on the back. Because of his autism and sensory struggles, he cannot handle physical touch. A hug at this point was so needed to comfort my own disappointed heart.
"C'mon, Mom. Let's beat them all down the trail," he encouraged. We began walking down the trail. Suddenly, I heard Miss B (age 6) yell, "Mom! I did it! I made it to the top! I conquered my fear of heights, Mom! Yeah!" she yelled with a fist pump from the top of the peak. There she was with Daddy, Big Brother and her awesome self. How could I not be proud? (The picturesque view is from the top of the Peak. Credit Salt Lake Magazine.)

B-Man stayed by me much of the way down the trail. I had to stop often, as going downhill was much harder on the area of invasion in my groin area... much harder. At one point, I began to tear up again and my sweetheart asked me what was wrong. I explained to him about not making it to the top. He lovingly told me I went really far and I should be proud of myself for what I had accomplished. I said, "Yes, but it is like making it to the 99th stair out of 100 and turning back."
"But at least you made it up 99," was his kind reply. Sigh. I love my men.

B-Man and I have set a goal that one day we will conquer this small mountain- together. On that day, he told me, is the day he conquers his fear of heights. I cannot wait to be with him and do it together.

As my one month anniversary to my new life approaches, I am learning that healing takes place in all shapes, sizes and mountains. Sometimes, I can conquer hills, sometimes it is mountains, but as long as I am continually moving forward, my body will be whole again when it is time. I am learning a lot about setting and accomplishing goals, conquering fears, and the amazing love of my family. My heart was not working properly for a very long time. It has really been only a few days that it has been repaired. I need to cut myself some slack and just do the best I can as I go through this process. In that, I am finding my sparkle.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am conquering mountains so who wouldn't want chocolate?

WARNING: A Bit of a Personal Entry

USE CAUTION!! Today's post is a bit... personal.  I know, I know- this whole blog is personal! This post, however, is not something I would normally share outside of a conversation with very close girlfriends or with my husband.  Since it directly relates to my healing from ARVD, I felt it pertinent to share. If you do not like talk about female related issues, then please feel free to stop reading now.

Sometime during all of the testing I had, I asked one of the medical staff (not sure of their job title) if what was happening with my heart could be related to (here comes the super personal, female related subject) my menstrual cycle every month... because for years I have been passing blood clots with each one. Many blood clots. These have been anywhere from the size of a quarter to the size of a baseball. No, I never had it checked out, bc as you may have learned about me already, I do not go to the doctor generally speaking. I wondered if the messed up rhythm of my heart was somehow causing me to form clots. She did not know but said we could ask. It never came up again.

Now, as my cycle for this month is passing the time I would normally pass clots, I have to wonder:  How does the heart effect a woman's reproductive flow of things? Since our heart is the organ responsible for pumping blood through our bodies, would it stand to reason that if we had the appropriate blood flow a woman's body would not have some of the struggles it has? Heavy bleeding, cramping, etc. caused at time by Endometriosis or some other woman's dis-ease? If our hearts worked properly, does it reduce problems in other areas of our bodies? Several years ago, it was discovered that my father's blood was too thick to circulate properly through his body. When the problem was corrected, he began to function much better emotionally and physically. Could the same go for women and their cycles? (I know some of you are science whiz's and may already know this, but I am not one and I am only discovering this after my own experiences with ARVD.)

You see, this month, since my heart has been restored, my cycle has no longer been filed with blood clots! This is the first time for as long as I can remember having them that they have not formed! In addition to that, there has been less cramping. And believe me.... I had some serious cramping my whole womanly life! I have never been check for Endo, but it is highly hereditary among the women in my family and chances are, I have struggled with it. In addition to the blood issue, my skin is no longer dry as it has been much of my life, but moist. Not oily, but moist! With these changed in my body, I can conclude that fixing the issue of my heart = a better everything!!

I am excited to see what other changes are in store. If my facial skin can become moist and my menstrual cycles can become more manageable, then who knows what will happen? Maybe one day, I can rule the world! Mwahahaha!! (Evil Laugh)

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am feeling excited about life and I really want some chocolate!!

Liar, Liar- are Your Pants on Fire?

Are you the kind of person that sees a miracle for what it is or are you one who only believes if it is convenient for you?  I am in the first category.  I have seen too many to deny them, whether they are my own or belong to someone else.

I am writing this post for a few reasons. 
1- I want you to know that I still have very real struggles in my life.
2- So people will realize what happened to me was not a life-fixer, but a life-saver
3- To help you see to not waste your time on the people who create toxicity in your life.  Celebrate life with those who support you, believe you (and the doctors) and believe in you.  It is they that truly matter.

The heart struggles are still very real in that it has only been 10 days since the doctors saved my life.  I am still sore.  I am still bruised.  I am still tired.  Everyday, I get better and better and I know one day, I will be completely whole again.  I look forward to that day.  I look forward to everyday, for that matter. 

You have heard my heart story, but there is more to it.  Without going into great detail, I will say this past week, I was accused of making up my heart condition.  The accusation came from someone I used to be very close to, but due circumstances in our late teens, that tie had to be broken.  We only recently made contact again and have worked on mending our relationship.  Now, I have chosen to severe those ties again.  This is not because I cannot forgive.  It is because I will not stand to be called a liar.  Because I was heart healthy in my youth, it was assumed I always have been.  Obviously this is not true.  ARVD is real.  I had it.  I could show all the medical records and hospital bills from the past 16 years, but really, what good will that do when I am not believed anyway? 


It reminds me of stories in the scriptures when people asked Jesus to prove He was God.  They would take the attitude of, "Prove it to me and I will believe you."  That is not faith, folks.  You might as well say He is a liar.  He knows who He is and if someone chooses to not believe Him, that is their problem and not His.  This is how I feel.  I cannot make everyone believe that I am truthful in my story, but I am.  I have a dozen or more doctors and hundreds of people who have witnessed the heart struggles I've had- the arrhythmia, the dizzy spells, the passing out.  I was told from early on not to have children, or I could die, although the docs did not know exactly why.  Now we do.  Do you want to be the one to convince my children that their mom has faked her illness their whole lives?  I did not think so. 

I speak the truth.  My heart was broken.  Now it is fixed.  What the doctors were able to do (combined with the other two factors- I call it the Triple Threat)  did not fix my life, but it definitely saved it.  I still have financial struggles with my hubby.  I still have a boy with Asperger's and ADHD.  I still have a little girl who desperately wants her own room again.  I still am living with family and not yet in our own home.  I still have bills to pay.  I still have people who do not like me.  I still make mistakes.  But.... my heart does not skip beats all day long.  I no longer pass out.  I am able to drive again.  I am able to exercise again.  My heart can race and I will not die from it. 

Dr. B and his team saved me.  I. Am. Alive. 

It is all right to let go of those who only bring you down.  You are not here to please them.  You are here to reach your divine potential.  So celebrate!  Go out and find a friend that lifts you up and helps you laugh!  Sing while in the shower!  Dance in the rain with your kids!  Fill your life with joy, happiness and light!!  Those who can bring these feelings into your life are the ones you want to continue on with.  Keep smiling and always remember who you are. 

I took several pictures tonight- ones that would prove I actually did get a series of tests ran (again) and as a result of the findings I did end up getting a heart procedure in the hospital.  I wanted to "prove" something in the off chance that the non-believers read this entry.  I have decided, however, that it will do no good.  It is a battle I choose to not fight.  My life is fully blessed with people who love me, enrich my soul and most of all.... who believe me.  For me, that is enough. 

My name is Jenny McKinney.  My pants are not on fire and I really want some chocolate.

Where am I Going?

Aren't grandmother's the best?  I really love when they see things for what they are and do not hesitate to point them out to you.  Yesterday, I talked to my beloved grandmother.  She is is her late 80's and lives in Arizona, so I do not get to see her more than every other year or so.  I miss my grandmother.  Like so many others, she has been faithfully praying for my recovery.  Today I called her so she could hear from me directly on how I am doing.  She shared, "I just cannot believe you did not have to get the ICD.  It really is a miracle."  We talked about how just two months ago, the doctors told me I could die any time without one and now I will never need one.  Miracle?  Absolutely!  What else would you call it?

Everyday, my family and some of my friends have been kindly reminding me that I need to rest, that it takes time to heal.  Ah- I need to be reminded again and again.  Although mt heart is fixed, it was made very clear it will be a full two months before it is working 100%.  Even now, 5 days later, I am still very bruised both inside and out as well as very tired.  Of course, I am attempting to rest, but of course, I tend to overdo it.  Not intentionally, but man, I actually want to fold clothes!!  I want to make the bed.  I just do not have the strength- yet.  The outside proof positive I have that I am already healing is the bruise on my neck, and my eyes.  Although I have not taken a picture of my eyes, I have been told numerous times this week that my eyes already look better.  The dark circles are disappearing.  I had the dark circles clear back in my teens.  My sister says I was having health struggles as far back as 18 years old when I was rooming with her.  There is much I do not remember from that time in my life, so I take her word for it.  My eyes look better.  Finally! 

The sore that the arrow is pointing to is the point of entry on my (I think jugular) vein where the docs went in with the tools to fix me.  There is another point of entry (but due to personal boundaries, I am not going to take a picture of it).  When I stop to think that through a hole "not much bigger than an IV" is where they sent the tools to correct my condition, I am in awe.  Look how small that is!  I am grateful the bruising is not worse.  This is as bad as it has been thus far.  (I am glad we got this picture today, since we forgot to take the camera to the hospital.)  Now, I need to rest.  I went to the store with my hubby  last night to buy 4 items and it totally wiped out.  I had NO IDEA that I would be this exhausted by the end of the week.  Phew!

In pondering all these changes that have come my way, I have had to reconsider my life a bit.  Last fall, I began planning my life according to the years I had left.  Every movie where the mother's life was jeopardized made me sob.  "That could be me," I would think.  Mind you, I was not trying to be morbid, but I was facing reality.  Until June of this year, I did not know there was a way to stay alive (the ICD) with ARVD, I just knew that my time on Earth was limited.  My husband and I were making plans to be prepared: Where he and the children needed to live, how he would need to remarry, etc.  They are tough, but necessary, conversations when you know you will not be around to live into your late years. 

Now, all of these plans have changed again and I have to retrain my brain.  There are things I can do.  There is time to make memories I did not think I would be able make.  What a relief!  What a blessing!  What a miracle!!

With my life given back to me, I have been pondering, "Now what?  What am I going to do?  Where am I going?  How will I use my life to serve others and serve God?"  I will tell you: I am not going to change a thing!  I am going to keep making memories with my husband and children.  I am going to serve as much as my life allows.  I am going to keep writing songs and sharing them with the world.  I am going to go into the prisons to continue my ministry there.  I am going to love and forgive.  I am going to find joy.  I am going to live life to the fullest so when my time does come to return to my Heavenly Home, I will have no regrets.  I am going to live!

"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.  I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.  I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor's children.  I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping weed someone's garden.  I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.  I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived."  ~ Marjorie Pay Hinckley

My name is Jenny McKinney and I am going to live!  (Oh, did I mention that I really want some chocolate?)

The Miracle of my Heart- Part II

The Procedure Hours
As I was wheeled into the lab (reminder: the OR for the heart and lung unit), they gave me a nice warm blankey to cover myself up as I was transferred onto the operating table.  Ah, so toasty!  Introductions were made all around.  What a nice team they were!  After I told them my daughter's instructions and they said they planned on fixing my heart the best they could, the anesthesiologist said,  "All right, I have just given you some happy juice.  Some people do not like how it makes them feel."  I replied that I didn't either.  I did not even get to count backwards from 10, because I was out so fast.  The next memory I have, I was waking up in recovery- 3 1/2 hours later!

I love when I am entertaining to others and have no recollection of it myself.  My husband, children, and closest friends refer to this behavior as the "after 10 drunkness."  My mother was witness to this behavior, as well as the medical team, as I was coming out of my unconscious state, totally loopy from the drugs that had me knocked out.  "Whooooo are youuuuu??" I asked the nurse.  Apparently Nurse Brandi introduced herself to me 3 times before I finally remembered we had met already.  The same went for the others in the room.  I would ask a question, then doze off.  Ask a question, then doze off, keeping everyone in stitches while doing so.  Some of the other question consisted of, "Where... where am I?" and "What is going on here?"  Ah... I love not remembering.  I even called my hubby and sister to let them know everything went well... and later had to be told I talked to them, because I did not remember.

The Best News EVER
I am sure it was a bit nerve racking for my mom to be the one to take in all the news from Dr. B, since I was a bit.... incoherent.  She was told everything went really well and they did not put in the ICD.  When she asked if I would be coming back later in the week to get it, she was told the best news ever: It looked like I will never need it!!  Say what??  Here is what was explained to me over the next few hours. 

This Never Happens
When the camera was placed in my heart, the med team quickly learned that it is not as enlarged as they thought it was originally.  I was given the medicine to make my heart act up in order to find the circuit(s) causing the problem.  Even if they were to find the circuit and ablate it, my condition was bad enough I needed the ICD to live!  What happened was they immediately were able to find the circuit causing the arrhythmia.  "This never happens," is what the nurse explained to me.  She said usually when they get in there, the heart decides to behave and it takes several tries to find the correct circuit.  This was not the case for me.  They fixed the problem by cauterizing the end of the circuit, ultimately making little scars on my heart in order to create a new electrical flow.  My heart began to beat normally, evenly, for the first time in my entire adult life.  After it was stable, they gave me more meds, trying to cause it to react to negative situation that could occur in the future- arrhythmia, cardiac arrest, etc.  The great news?  My heart kept beating steadily and never responded to the drugs.  The problem was fixed!!  Once it was fixed, it was determined I would never have to have the ICD and the ARVD is simply..... gone!  I do not have it anymore!  (Now what will I blog about?)  I will no longer have the dizzy spells, the fatigue, the passing out!  After more than 16 years, my heart will not fight me everyday.  It also looks as if my children will not inherit the condition after all!!  Say what?  Could that be because in the two short weeks my genes had changed enough that they were no longer convinced this was a genetic mutation?  I do not know (and whether or not you agree) but I believe those products certainly could have had something to do with that conclusion.

So Now What?
In three weeks, I go in for a check up.  As I said before, for the first time in my adult life (I was diagnosed with arrhythmia at age 20. I am now 36) my heart is working properly.  Beep... beep... beep... said the steady beeps on the monitor as I looked at it after the procedure.  At last!  Before I went in, my heart rate could not even stay above 60 bpm.  It was even dropping into the 40's.  After, it was a steady 78 bpm.  Hallelujah!!  I am having to take it really easy for 3-4 days with no lifting more than a jug of milk, only stepping up with my left leg first, walking around for 5-10 min at a time, but mostly staying down or sitting at a angle in which I am not bending at the hip.  In a week, I will be able to start doing normal things again.  What is normal?  Driving (I have not done this for months), taking walks with my kids, sitting and playing a card game from start to finish, without passing out in the middle of it etc.  In 2 months, my heart will be working 100% perfectly, after it has time to adjust to the changes.  I might feel a flutter here and there, but that is because it is adjusting to the new circuit flow and rhythm.

Yesterday morning, my hubby said I already looked healthier.  What a GREAT compliment!  For the first time in my children's lives, their mommy will be healthy and strong.  How can we not rejoice?

I firmly believe that I am to use this experience to help others learn about this life-threatening condition.  Some of the blessings (besides the ones I have already told you about just now) are that I have made new friends along the way and strengthened already existing friendships.  I have seen the smiles on the faces of my loved ones as they have learned that I no longer am at high risk for sudden cardiac death.  I have felt Heaven's blessings pour abundantly on us as we have been loved through this very difficult time in our lives.  My heart is healthy.  My heart beats strong.  How can I deny that this is a Divine outcome?

I had an amazing team of doctors and nurses.  For them, I will be forever grateful.  I went into the surgery lab with my doctor planning on giving me a permanent device to keep me alive.  I came out without one, and my heart was fixed for good. "This never happens, Jenny."  Well, it did and in my book, that is a miracle!

My name is Jenny McKinney.  My heart is miraculous and you bet I really want some chocolate!

 

I'm Not Gonna Lie....

"I'm not gonna lie...." today was a rough day. The quote comes from one of my dearest friends in the whole world. She always prefaces her statements with that when she wants to get a serious message across. For example: "I'm not gonna lie.... these cookies are really, really good." Or how about, "I'm not gonna lie, I look good today." Or my personal fave: "I'm not gonna lie, I hate being a bum wiper." (She is CNA in nursing school who worked in the ICU.) Haha! Love this woman!

I'm not gonna lie..... yesterday was good. Our family (minus the one kid out of town) went to a parade in our old neighborhood and saw some of our favorite people. We made cookies, I took a nap, then we went to hang out at my brother's house for a BBQ and fireworks. My heart was sustained through the day and all was well, making memories with the family.

I'm not gonna lie..... today was a lot worse. Perhaps yesterday took its toll one me, but my heart was not happy. There was a few stressful hours of insurance crud- to make sure I will have the coverage I need for the upcoming surgeries. When DH and I came home from our errand outing, I was feeling really..... icky. I sat to relax for a bit and thought I was fine. Then, while sitting on the floor playing cards with two of my favorite men, Chest Pain decided to make an appearance. Sensing his loneliness, Dizziness, Fatigue and Lightheadedness decided to join the fun. Next thing I know, I could not hold myself up anymore. Hello Floor! Good thing I was already sitting down!

I'm not gonna lie...... I hate that feeling- know the passing out is coming and not being able to fight it off. I hate knowing that the pain is just the first symptom of things that will happen in the next bit. Not sure what happened after that, except I found myself laying down on our makeshift bed when I woke up. (We are staying with my folks temporarily, so we only have a makeshift mattress on the floor, for which I am grateful.) DH confirmed the passing out. Awesome.

I'm not gonna lie..... I have been laying down the rest of the day. I am so grateful I have such good kids to take care of each other when I am not feeling well. I know this is a very uncertain time for our family- staying with relatives until we find our own place; Mommy being run down and knowing she is getting surgery in a few weeks; missing friends in our old town.

I'm not gonna lie... in spite of the trials, we are really blessed. We do have family that is allowing us to stay put for the time being. We have work to get us back on our feet financially. I am in the care of a really great team of medical professionals who have discovered my problem and know how to treat it. And.... I have a small stash of dark chocolate to get me through the next few days.

Tonight, I have been reflecting on some songs I wrote over the past couple of years. One is a reminder that Gods hands are gentle hands of love. He will heal all, in His time. The other is a reminder to not weep, because I know what His plan is for me. I'm not gonna lie.... in spite of the difficult days like today, I feel comforted. How can I not? "For I am His child and His light shines in me."

My name is Jenny McKinney and I'm not gonna lie.... I really want some chocolate.