Balancing Act

Raise your hand if you love the circus? (Yes, the one in the "Annabelle" episode of Little House counts. I loved how Laura made Manly's date run out. Ha!) I remember as a child going to a little local circus- probably like that of the "Gambini the Great" episode of Little House. (Why yes, I AM on a Little House kick right now. Thanks for asking.) It is not so much the clowns or elephants that come to mind when I think of the circus. It is that of the tight rope walker, especially when they are balancing something on a pole, head, or arms. A balancing act- isn't that what so many of us do from day to day? Balancing families, work, friends, social media (Admit it, you have to balance that too!) hobbies, etc.

When I was finally diagnosed, I became aware that I would have to balance out my day to day emotions with my heart condition. Because we were not expecting my heart to be permanently fixed, what I was not planning on was balancing my emotional state after my procedure. I know that I am still in healing mode after a 17 year (or more) battle with my heart. I understand that. What I cannot figure out is why my emotions are so fragile. Shouldn't I just be joyously jumping up and down day to day because I am going to live? I shared this with someone the other day: I am more uncertain about myself now than before my procedure. I knew what was in my future back then. Now, I do not know, thus, part of my emotional struggle.

For as long as I can remember, my life has been guided by God, almost to the point of hand holding. Now, it's as if He is saying, "Go the direction you want. You have earned that!"
    "But God," I reply, "What direction?"
    "Any direction!" He urges.
    "So are you saying I don't need You to tell me where I should be now? You are not going to guide me anymore?"
     "No, Child. I am simply saying that whatever path you choose, be it for good, I will always be right with you. However, it is your path to take now. You can take the steps on your own now. I will catch you when you fall, but I am letting you go. Time to walk, run and dance on your own."

Like any good parent, He is letting go and allowing me to soar. Like any human, I am an emotional wreck over it. I feel confused, sad, joyful, excited. I am angry one day and totally happy the next. It is a part of healing, I am sure. I am having to rediscover myself, reinvent who I desire to be. Like a tight rope walker, I am striving to balance my emotions- not on top of my head, not flipping around on a pole, but inside my heart. One thing is for sure. My heart is physically healed. Now, I just need to get it emotionally strong, unlike it has ever been before.

(This is a picture of my healed heart, drawn by my 6-year-old daughter)

I know one day, I will be able to permanently balance my emotions that come with a working heart. For now, I am happy to just be adjusting one day at a time.

My name is Jenny McKinney. My healthy heart is a balancing act and I really could use some chocolate.