Living for the Future

Note: The following is a sacred experience that is precious to me, but I feel prompted to share this day. Please do not comment anything negative or mocking to my personal beliefs.

It has been quite a journey- finding my place after my heart was mended. More than I ever imagined, I have struggled in ways I was not prepared for. Yesterday brought a sweet experience to this hurting soul. In my religion, we believe in the laying on of hands, as Christ did in the Bible. It was a few months ago that my bishop (the minister of our local congregation) used this ordinance to relay a beautiful message and blessing from my Heavenly Father. I felt so much peace and knew that my life had been spared for a purpose. Yet, I still struggled. My faith was not great enough to fully accept those promises in that moment. I still battled this unseen force that seem to want me to be lost in a world of darkness. Yesterday, that changed.

I attended an ordinance session at our area temple seeking peace as my beloved aunt was preparing to pass away to the heavens, and searching for that strength that I knew I had somewhere inside. After having a beautiful experience involving my aunt's passing, I was then given a breath of renewed hope and strength for my own mortal journey. I did not realize how much the darkness had been plaguing me until I stepped into that sacred House of God and left the cares of the world behind. It was there that this message of love was shared- and finally accepted. In one moment, I felt the Spirit whisper to me, "Your life has been spared for a reason. Stop being afraid to live!"

So long had I been planning to leave this life that for all these months post-op I have been afraid to live again. No more! From this moment on, the darkness will no longer take hold of me! I will embrace life! I will seize the day! I will look for opportunities to teach others about CHD's, to share my gifts of music and service and most of all, to love my family and make memories with them as often as I can! THIS is the life I have been given to live! THIS is the time I have been given to live it!  THIS is the day the Lord has made and I will rejoice in this day and be glad of it! (See Psalm 118:24)

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am grateful my life that I shall live and... I really do not want any
chocolate this morning. (I had some last night, though!) :)

Thy Years Shall Not Be Numbered Less

Today was a tender day. Ironically enough, I attended a funeral in which I came away understanding that my days that were once numbered no longer are to be numbered less.

I am reminded of the story of Lazarus in the New Testament.  Although He already knew beforehand that Lazarus had died, and even though He knew Lazarus would soon arise, when Jesus got to His friend's side, "Jesus wept..... Behold how He loved him!" (John 11: 35-36) 

Oh, how I loved my friend! Oh, how I love his wife and children! I know that one day, we will all see him again, yet in that moment, we did weep, still weep for the loss of him. Because we love him.

While holding the hand of Steve's darling mother, and as we cried together, we quietly talked of how the Lord must really need great missionaries at this time on the other side. We discussed how Steve is one of the greatest. Then, in a moment of deep grief, I broke down and shared with her about my heart and how I have moments of survivor's guilt that he left and I am still here. (Isn't it interesting how those of us that go to comfort the family members are usually the ones uplifted? I saw that many times today.) Sister McKane shared with me something she remembered from the scriptures. She talked about how those of us that are still here are not yet done with our mortal missions and that is why we are left behind. I have found three references that I think she was referring to.

In Doctrine and Covenants 122:9 it says: "Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less." Then in D&C 121:25 it says: "For there is a time appointed for every man, according as his works shall be." The last is in Job 7:1 "Is there not an appointed time to man upon earth?"

For those of us left behind, it is not our time to go! We still have work to do! Finding out that purpose and fulfilling it is part of our mortal journey. For Steve, it was to guide these young men to believe in something better than they ever imagine. It was about helping them reach their potential, even their Divine potential.

During that hour of grieving, I learned something about my heart. I realized that one of the reasons that I have been more sensitive, and feeling everything deeper than before, is because my heart works now! I do not have to struggle with my emotions, I can just feel them! I can laugh, cry, mourn, rejoice and live without the endless worry of my heart missing beats, adding extra beats, or my heart just... stopping. As much as I loved others before this journey to healing began, I can love that much more! When I need to weep for my Lazarus friends, it is a blessing! When I feel the need to giggle with my older brother because of the remarkable changes he has made in his life, I can! And when I desire to run, dance, sleep, dream, or just relax, I can just... be, and I will rejoice and be glad in it!

One of my oldest and dearest friends wrote on my Facebook wall: "You are no longer the girl with the mysterious heart issue. Your identity was wrapped up in that label for so long that you are now struggling with moving forward without that label that you hated but at the same time became a part of you. You will find yourself again. There is beauty all around you. You were afraid of experiencing true joy because you were afraid of losing it. Feel joy. See the beauty now with hope, not fear. I love you."

I am ready to embrace that beauty! I am ready to love! For the first time in the lives of my children and my 17 years of marriage, I am ready to use this heart as the Lord would have me do. Because I do have today, I am finally ready, and able, to live!

My name is Jenny McKinney and I am ready to LIVE! (PS- I already had my chocolate!)

Two Months of Healing with Love

It is hard to believe that two months ago today I was being pumped full of adrenaline to see if my heart would go into cardiac arrest after my procedure. Two months ago today I was supposed to get an ICD implant, but did not. Two months ago today the doctor told me I would be fine and I would never have to get one. Two months ago today, because of the prayers and fasting of so many of you, my heart is repaired and I am on my way to living a full life, instead of a preparing for a life that was going to be very shortened. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and humbled by the miracle I was granted two months ago today.

In the past little week or two, I have had a bit of nervousness as I began having some dizzy spells again. Although I have not yet asked my doctor about it, I know it is because, according to others, I have been doing what I do best- OVERdoing it! Yes, I have been lovingly reprimanded by loved ones. I know! I am healing! I need to rest! However.....

Tell me, though, dear readers, if I rest all the time, who is going to mother my four children? Who is going to homeschool the younger ones? Who is going to do all the SAHM tasks that need doing if I do not do it? All of you mothers know that moms cannot stay down even when she wants to. I am a mom and I have been taking my responsibilities seriously. I have children and a husband that do their part and even some of my part, but still... I am a mother and there are just some things that only a mother can do. Like kiss the boo-boo's all better. Like spontaneously bake cookies for the kid who needs some serious cheering up. Like putting away that last but of laundry that only mother sees did not make it into the drawers. Like wipe the jelly off the table because no one else feels the stickiness when they put their arms on the table. Like taking them on a field trip to Temple Square for school.

Tell me, who else is going to wake up at 6 am to write the song about a friend who has just died because the music woke you up? Who else is going to email the friend to see how they are doing with a trial only you know about? Who else is going to sit in the ER for three hours with their son for a finger that has been sliced open? Who else is going to help him change the bandages on his finger everyday so it does not get infected? Who else is going to brush the hair of a little girl that only allows Mommy to do it because Mommy can work through the tangles without the pain? Who else is going to reach through the walled up emotions of the autistic child when only Mommy is allowed to hold his hand when he is hurting? Who else is going to do these things?

It may seem to some that I am overdoing it. Perhaps I am. What I see, though, is that I am doing exactly what the Lord has allowed me to do- live my life. I do not seek out these things to do. It just comes with the territory. I am resting as much as I can. Truly, I am healing the best I know how, surrounded by love and goodness. That is all I can do- live with love.


My name is Jenny McKinney. I am two months into my healing process and I seriously want some chocolate.

Where am I Going?

Aren't grandmother's the best?  I really love when they see things for what they are and do not hesitate to point them out to you.  Yesterday, I talked to my beloved grandmother.  She is is her late 80's and lives in Arizona, so I do not get to see her more than every other year or so.  I miss my grandmother.  Like so many others, she has been faithfully praying for my recovery.  Today I called her so she could hear from me directly on how I am doing.  She shared, "I just cannot believe you did not have to get the ICD.  It really is a miracle."  We talked about how just two months ago, the doctors told me I could die any time without one and now I will never need one.  Miracle?  Absolutely!  What else would you call it?

Everyday, my family and some of my friends have been kindly reminding me that I need to rest, that it takes time to heal.  Ah- I need to be reminded again and again.  Although mt heart is fixed, it was made very clear it will be a full two months before it is working 100%.  Even now, 5 days later, I am still very bruised both inside and out as well as very tired.  Of course, I am attempting to rest, but of course, I tend to overdo it.  Not intentionally, but man, I actually want to fold clothes!!  I want to make the bed.  I just do not have the strength- yet.  The outside proof positive I have that I am already healing is the bruise on my neck, and my eyes.  Although I have not taken a picture of my eyes, I have been told numerous times this week that my eyes already look better.  The dark circles are disappearing.  I had the dark circles clear back in my teens.  My sister says I was having health struggles as far back as 18 years old when I was rooming with her.  There is much I do not remember from that time in my life, so I take her word for it.  My eyes look better.  Finally! 

The sore that the arrow is pointing to is the point of entry on my (I think jugular) vein where the docs went in with the tools to fix me.  There is another point of entry (but due to personal boundaries, I am not going to take a picture of it).  When I stop to think that through a hole "not much bigger than an IV" is where they sent the tools to correct my condition, I am in awe.  Look how small that is!  I am grateful the bruising is not worse.  This is as bad as it has been thus far.  (I am glad we got this picture today, since we forgot to take the camera to the hospital.)  Now, I need to rest.  I went to the store with my hubby  last night to buy 4 items and it totally wiped out.  I had NO IDEA that I would be this exhausted by the end of the week.  Phew!

In pondering all these changes that have come my way, I have had to reconsider my life a bit.  Last fall, I began planning my life according to the years I had left.  Every movie where the mother's life was jeopardized made me sob.  "That could be me," I would think.  Mind you, I was not trying to be morbid, but I was facing reality.  Until June of this year, I did not know there was a way to stay alive (the ICD) with ARVD, I just knew that my time on Earth was limited.  My husband and I were making plans to be prepared: Where he and the children needed to live, how he would need to remarry, etc.  They are tough, but necessary, conversations when you know you will not be around to live into your late years. 

Now, all of these plans have changed again and I have to retrain my brain.  There are things I can do.  There is time to make memories I did not think I would be able make.  What a relief!  What a blessing!  What a miracle!!

With my life given back to me, I have been pondering, "Now what?  What am I going to do?  Where am I going?  How will I use my life to serve others and serve God?"  I will tell you: I am not going to change a thing!  I am going to keep making memories with my husband and children.  I am going to serve as much as my life allows.  I am going to keep writing songs and sharing them with the world.  I am going to go into the prisons to continue my ministry there.  I am going to love and forgive.  I am going to find joy.  I am going to live life to the fullest so when my time does come to return to my Heavenly Home, I will have no regrets.  I am going to live!

"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.  I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.  I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor's children.  I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping weed someone's garden.  I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.  I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived."  ~ Marjorie Pay Hinckley

My name is Jenny McKinney and I am going to live!  (Oh, did I mention that I really want some chocolate?)