Things Are Different Now

I am 37 years old and my life has just begun. Many days, I feel I am infantile in my learning process, which is rightly so; this life is all about gaining wisdom and knowledge but it's length is but the blink of an eye in the eternal perspective. I like to think that my 20's were my growing up years and my 30's are my years to gain wisdom. What will my 40's hold?

Things are different now. It has only been in the past few weeks that I have begun to realize how much I have learned since my heart was restored 10 months ago. Last night, as my mother-in-law was visiting from out of state and, along with her mother, we discussed some thoughts on mothering and parenting, I could almost hear what these wonderful ladies were thinking, "Jenny finally gets it! She has finally grown up." I nearly called them out on thinking those things, but decided to just leave it alone. One thing I have noticed since my heart was declared strong and healthy is how much I see things differently now... how much more life means to me.

Things are different now. The struggle of being a healthy mom has been more difficult than I thought it would be. As I have shared here, I have walked a road of feeling lost in who I am. It was almost easy when I was dying, because I knew what I had to get done. Yet... why not do those things still? I want to help my children to their chores. I want to homeschool! I want to teach them right from wrong! Everyday, I look at my children and husband with this deep, abiding love. in awe, I wonder that if I can love them so deeply, how much greater is the love of our Savior and Father in Heaven for these souls. How can a love be greater than that of a mother? If it is the love of our Creators, then it is so.

Things are different now. I still do not have my energy restored to 100% capacity. That will still take some time. What I do have is my ability to love reaching beyond depths I never imagined. What if, when my heart was fixed, God placed in it more love than I could experience before? Perhaps in my physical healing, a spiritual healing took place, one where the Atonement was truly procured by a soul, my soul, that I did not even realize was aching.

Things are different now. All I want to do is love, serve, create. Before, I looked for reasons to be angry, to feed an unhappiness that resulted from poor self-esteem I did not even realize I struggled with. Now, I desire to keep this smile on my face all the time. Do I lose my temper? Yep! Now I am quicker to apologize and ask forgiveness. Do I make mistakes? All the time! Yet, my desire to change and be better comes from opening my heart and receiving the Grace of God rather than "just doing the right thing".

Things are different now. Now I am willing to learn from my mistakes; I am willing to feel the Love and Grace of God; I am willing to allow my heart to love in ways it would not have before. The more I love, the more I serve, the more I count my blessings, the more my heart loves, grows, functions in ways unknown to Man.

Yes, things are different now and for this, I am grateful.

My name is Jenny McKinney. Things are different. I am different .... and I already had chocolate today.

Living for the Future

Note: The following is a sacred experience that is precious to me, but I feel prompted to share this day. Please do not comment anything negative or mocking to my personal beliefs.

It has been quite a journey- finding my place after my heart was mended. More than I ever imagined, I have struggled in ways I was not prepared for. Yesterday brought a sweet experience to this hurting soul. In my religion, we believe in the laying on of hands, as Christ did in the Bible. It was a few months ago that my bishop (the minister of our local congregation) used this ordinance to relay a beautiful message and blessing from my Heavenly Father. I felt so much peace and knew that my life had been spared for a purpose. Yet, I still struggled. My faith was not great enough to fully accept those promises in that moment. I still battled this unseen force that seem to want me to be lost in a world of darkness. Yesterday, that changed.

I attended an ordinance session at our area temple seeking peace as my beloved aunt was preparing to pass away to the heavens, and searching for that strength that I knew I had somewhere inside. After having a beautiful experience involving my aunt's passing, I was then given a breath of renewed hope and strength for my own mortal journey. I did not realize how much the darkness had been plaguing me until I stepped into that sacred House of God and left the cares of the world behind. It was there that this message of love was shared- and finally accepted. In one moment, I felt the Spirit whisper to me, "Your life has been spared for a reason. Stop being afraid to live!"

So long had I been planning to leave this life that for all these months post-op I have been afraid to live again. No more! From this moment on, the darkness will no longer take hold of me! I will embrace life! I will seize the day! I will look for opportunities to teach others about CHD's, to share my gifts of music and service and most of all, to love my family and make memories with them as often as I can! THIS is the life I have been given to live! THIS is the time I have been given to live it!  THIS is the day the Lord has made and I will rejoice in this day and be glad of it! (See Psalm 118:24)

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am grateful my life that I shall live and... I really do not want any
chocolate this morning. (I had some last night, though!) :)

The Miracle of my Heart- Part I

Have you ever experienced a miracle?  I am grateful that I have seen many in my life.  Last night, the Lord saw fit to grant my heart a miracle.  I want to share this whole story with you, so this will be in a two or three part post.

As a Review:
When I got my official diagnosis of ARVD, my doctor determined it was a genetic condition, because of my family history.  Although we did not run any tests to make that official, it was pretty for sure.  This put my children at a 50% risk of carrying the gene.  The plan was to get them tested so we can be prepared if they do have it.  The plan for me was to get the Electrophysiology Study done, alblate the misbehaving circuits in my heart, if they could find them, (it really is a guessing game) then implant a loop recorder, which I would wear for up to three years.  This was all to be done yesterday, then later this week I would go back to get the ICD implant, which I would wear the rest of my life.  Things did not go quite like planned.  This is the miracle.

A Few Factors:
First, let me explain that I strongly feel there are several factors to the miracle taking place.  To do this, I need to share a bit of history I have not before, because it is so deeply personal that I did not think it proper to share publicly.  If I am to use my life to bring glory and honor to God, then I feel that it is now the right time to share this.  You can believe this or not, but I speak only the truth and this is my story.

Back in November, I was in my studio (aka- garage) working on selecting music for my songbook I was putting together, when I had a wonderful experience.  This is not the kind of experience that is normal to all, but it is quite common in my life.  I was prompted by the Holy Ghost to began getting my music and other affairs in order.  There was very specific instruction given and I was told that if things continued as they were going with my heart, I would not be here very long.  Specifically, I would have maybe 2 years to live.  If I found a way to get my heart under control, I would be here longer, but still not as long as I want to be.  (There was much more to it, but this is the basic info.) With that news, I collapsed to the floor, weeping.  I knew I had to do something, but what?  A few minutes later, my hubby came home from work and we talked about this revelation and prayed together.  We knew that if we did all we could on our end, the Lord would allow me to be here to see my children raised- at least a while longer.  I decided I would take whatever time I could get and live my life to the best I could, making memories with my family and bringing glory to my Heavenly Father and Savior. You can read what happened next here.

The Miracle Formula:

Personal fast and prayer is part of the miracle. Through the promptings of the Spirit, we have known what to do seemingly every step of the way.  As I began going through the testing, I was fasting and praying about the right course of treatment to take.  It was told to me very clearly that if the doctors told me I needed to get any kind of procedure done, I was to do it.  So when I got to Utah and was told I needed these life saving procedures, I knew I could not argue it.  We scheduled for August 12.

Great nutrition has played a major key in the miracle; not just any nutrition, though.: Lunarich nutrition.  During these months, I was introduced to this product that I absolutely 100% am convinced changed the outcome of my heart procedure.  Again, this is only one ingredient in the
Miracle Formula, but definitely a big part of it.  Remember when the doc said this was genetic?  Basically, this product makes negative genes no longer function and wakes up positive, healthy genes.  So when you hear about what he said after surgery, this is why I believe he was lead to his decision.

YOU are the other part of the Miracle Formula.  I had friends of every age, all over the world, fasting and/or praying for me.  That was you!  It was because of those prayers, because of your unwavering faith, that I am absolutely sure caused the miracle to happen.  For that, I will always love you.  I will always be grateful.

Of course, the other part of the formula was the guided, prompted hands of the doctors and nurses that treated my heart.  I know if Dr. B had not combined his expertise with spiritual guidance, things could have been a lot different.

The Waiting Game:
I was scheduled to be at the hospital at 11:30 am.  I was prepped for the procedure fairly quickly and we thought I would be in the lab (aka the heart and lung operating room) by 12:30.  My mom and I (She stayed with me the whole day. Love my mom!) were updated every 20-30 minutes, making us aware there was a bit of a wait.  The patient in the lab before me, also under Dr. B's skilled hands, was having some complications.  They kept finding something else wrong with her heart and had to fix it while she was in there.  Who was I to complain?  I pray they were able to mend her heart. 

Meanwhile, I looked over the paperwork with my nurse and the orders said I was to have all the procedures done that day.  This included: the Electrophysiology Study (heart cath), ablation, the loop recorder implanted, and the ICD implant (which I originally was told would be later in the week, remember.)  A bit unsure as to what to prep me for, Nurse Patti called Dr. B in the lab.  He said to prep me for everything.  You see, the study we knew for sure was going to happen.  Then, IF they could find the misbehaving circuit, they would fix it by ablating it, which would reroute the electricity in my heart.  They also were going to implant a loop recorder under my skin.  This device would allow them to see all of my heart comings and goings.  The final procedure would be the ICD, but until we got into the lab, we would not know for sure if I was going to get it that day.  However, when he said to prep me and have me plan on staying overnight, I knew I was going to be going home the next day with a device permanently implanted in my chest.  I realized that if this is what he felt he was to do, it was what the Lord wanted for me, to keep me here.  I was at peace with that. 

It was nice to have the day with my mom, but really, she needed to put her feet up and I wanted to have it all done with.  I am not a patient person, but at least the nurses and aides were fabulous and the bed was super comfy.  However, fasting 6 hours before my time to go in, then having another 5 hours added to that fast was not the easiest thing in the world to do.  (Ah well!  It's over and done and I have eaten plenty since then!)  It was finally 4:30pm before I got wheeled into the lab.  When I left the house that morning, my little girl (6 years) ran outside and yelled, "Go get your heart fixed... and bring us presents!!"  I informed the medical staff in the lab of her instructions to fix my heart.  They said that is what they intended to do.  Yay!  Here we go!  My heart was about the be in their hands.

My name is Jenny McKinney.  The story is about to get amazing and I really do want some chocolate.

The Miracle of my Heart- Part II

"Nothing You Could Have Done..."

As I prepare to undergo some "procedures" (really, can we just say surgery, since both procedures require going under the knife??) my human nature is feeling a bit unsettled because.... well, it's surgery!  The very word makes me nauseous.

Through all the nausea, I have had wonderful friends emailing me love notes.  Some have shared ideas ideas on how to increase my energy before the surgeries, or making lifestyle changes through nutrition, exercise, etc.  Some are just a quick "thinking of you" or "praying for you" sentiments.  I am so grateful to each and every one of the friends and family who write and call to check on me.  It is giving me strength to face what lies ahead. 

Note: I am a big fan of natural healing.  I believe that modern day medicine has a time and place, but I have not always gone to the docs for the flu, or taken my kid in for swollen tonsils or a fever, etc. because I do know how to care for many symptoms at home, naturally.  I spent years as an independent distributor for one of the foremost nutritional companies out there and still firmly believe in their products.  I received a great education from them and learned much about how the body works.  Much of what we consume leads to the outcome of our health.  Although I enjoy my goodies, I do strive to eat in a healthy way.

Lately, as I have been pondering when I noticed my heart going from bad to worse, I have stopped and wondered, "What could I have done differently to have prevented my heart from enlarging?  From not functioning properly?  From getting ARVD?  What could I have done differently?"

I have wondered if I took more of my nutritional supplements or not done certain exercises or ate different foods or, or, or...

As I really, truly have gone over choices I have made in my life, according to the timetable of when I felt my heart declining, I firmly believe my specialist when he told me, "There is nothing you could have done to change this."  I understand how genetics work enough to know there are good and bad genes.  This happens to be a bad gene.  The damage was done a long time ago, even though I was taking in the proper nutrition into my body.  I stress that last part, because I need to remind myself, almost to the point of haunting my thoughts with those words, there is nothing I could have done differently.  This is a challenge that I have to face in my life, and I will do so with peace in my.... well, heart.... and all the bravery I can muster.  God will see me through.

There has been so much fasting and prayer into the decisions that have been made to undergo these surgeries.  I have looked at all the options- both natural and medically speaking- and I have had it confirmed to me through answers to those prayers that I must do everything I can to live my life the longest I can.  Without the surgeries, my lifespan could be drastically shortened.

I will work hard over the next several days to make healthy choices and gain as much strength as I can in preparation for the procedures.  I will do all I can to be more aware of my overall health habits in general from here on out.  I will go to bed tonight and wake up tomorrow, knowing that when all is said and done, there is nothing I could have done to change this genetic mutation.  The damage has been done.  Now, we just repair it the best to our (mine and the docs) abilities, be it through surgeries, rest and awareness, then move forward with an eye grateful to God for all the resources that have been a blessing in my life. 

My name is Jenny McKinney, I really want some chocolate and there is nothing you nor I could do to change that.  (Hehe)