Things Are Different Now

I am 37 years old and my life has just begun. Many days, I feel I am infantile in my learning process, which is rightly so; this life is all about gaining wisdom and knowledge but it's length is but the blink of an eye in the eternal perspective. I like to think that my 20's were my growing up years and my 30's are my years to gain wisdom. What will my 40's hold?

Things are different now. It has only been in the past few weeks that I have begun to realize how much I have learned since my heart was restored 10 months ago. Last night, as my mother-in-law was visiting from out of state and, along with her mother, we discussed some thoughts on mothering and parenting, I could almost hear what these wonderful ladies were thinking, "Jenny finally gets it! She has finally grown up." I nearly called them out on thinking those things, but decided to just leave it alone. One thing I have noticed since my heart was declared strong and healthy is how much I see things differently now... how much more life means to me.

Things are different now. The struggle of being a healthy mom has been more difficult than I thought it would be. As I have shared here, I have walked a road of feeling lost in who I am. It was almost easy when I was dying, because I knew what I had to get done. Yet... why not do those things still? I want to help my children to their chores. I want to homeschool! I want to teach them right from wrong! Everyday, I look at my children and husband with this deep, abiding love. in awe, I wonder that if I can love them so deeply, how much greater is the love of our Savior and Father in Heaven for these souls. How can a love be greater than that of a mother? If it is the love of our Creators, then it is so.

Things are different now. I still do not have my energy restored to 100% capacity. That will still take some time. What I do have is my ability to love reaching beyond depths I never imagined. What if, when my heart was fixed, God placed in it more love than I could experience before? Perhaps in my physical healing, a spiritual healing took place, one where the Atonement was truly procured by a soul, my soul, that I did not even realize was aching.

Things are different now. All I want to do is love, serve, create. Before, I looked for reasons to be angry, to feed an unhappiness that resulted from poor self-esteem I did not even realize I struggled with. Now, I desire to keep this smile on my face all the time. Do I lose my temper? Yep! Now I am quicker to apologize and ask forgiveness. Do I make mistakes? All the time! Yet, my desire to change and be better comes from opening my heart and receiving the Grace of God rather than "just doing the right thing".

Things are different now. Now I am willing to learn from my mistakes; I am willing to feel the Love and Grace of God; I am willing to allow my heart to love in ways it would not have before. The more I love, the more I serve, the more I count my blessings, the more my heart loves, grows, functions in ways unknown to Man.

Yes, things are different now and for this, I am grateful.

My name is Jenny McKinney. Things are different. I am different .... and I already had chocolate today.

love takes hold

heavy heart
lonely soul
wanting to
take control

healthy now
at least in heart
darkness lingers
will not depart

hard to know
how to fight
one might think
this is not right

my heart is strong
for the first time
yet mind is sullen
darkness abides

fighting hard
to find my place
in a world
with tempting ways

they cannot see
the tears i cry
the loneliness
i feel inside

surround myself
with people of joy
my little girl
my grown-up boys

love takes hold
God enters in
he has made me
whole again

i play a song
my heart sings
my heart now can
do anything

-Jenny McKinney

A Blessed Christmas

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

It has been a long, busy month as our family has moved our belongings down from Idaho and I have spent every waking moment working hard to get our home settled. All of that while preparing for Christmas has made it a busy month for sure. Alas, I have not forgotten about you, my dear friends. I do apologize for neglecting my duties here. Life can go on, but most importantly, today we can bow on bended knee to our Lord and King, and honor Him this Christmas Day.

About three weeks ago, I found myself driving late at night on the freeway. The song "Christmas Shoes" came on the radio. Do you know it? It made me weep- not a wise thing to do when you are driving on dark, icy roads. However, this song has a special place in my.... um.... heart. For those of you who know it, I assume you can make the connection. For those of you not familiar, watch the video and you will understand why. The song, based off a book, was later turned into a movie. It was the first time in a long time I could hear this song and say, "This is no longer about me." My heart aches for the heart parents and patients that will not all have a miracle brought to them this year. My heart rejoices in a God who granted me mine and now I must get to work finding out what I am to do with this miracle.

Without being consciously aware, a few years ago I began collecting movies about a mom with a heart condition which takes her life. I collect them because I love the acting or am touched by the story, but the irony has not left me. When I have needed a good cry, I watch one of these movies. For the last year, I have not been able to watch any of them, until now. Last week, I was able to sit down and watch Christmas Shoes with a whole new outlook. I am not dying. I am going to live and in that, I must rejoice!! 




One last thing I feel I need to share this Christmas morning. (By the way, we opened our gifts before today so I have time to write to you now!) The kindness of others is astounding!! Because of the medical debt from my heart procedure and the cost of us moving this year, our children were going to have a very small, if at all, Christmas. Surprisingly, our month has been bombarded with gifts, piggy banks and love galore to make this an unbelievable Christmas for my children. Our family has been so blessed! Everyday, we have prayed prayers of gratitude for you, our secret Christmas Angels. Time and time again, I had been told that "blessings will come to those who are faithful" and a few weeks ago, I told God "I am ready for those blessings now." Like buckets of rain being poured form the heavens, those blessings have come! It is not about money, or gifts, it is about you seeing us, our Christmas Angels. It is about you loving in a way only Christ could do. You have given in a way Divinely inspired. We are awed. We are humbled. We are grateful. We thank you.

Merry Christmas, my friends. May the God of Love and Light reign in your life this day and always. May you feel His presence near as you reach out to others. May you have a blessed Christmas Day.

My name is Jenny McKinney and I am wishing you a very Merry and Beloved Christmas.

Family Dynamics (Healing- PART II)

Like many of you, I come from a family with all sorts of dynamics. We have those who have stayed on the straight and narrow, those who have wandered and are still lost, and those who have left the path, been to the depths of hell, and found their way back, only to bask in the joy that comes from making choices pleasing to God. One thing that I have learned these past few months while living with my folks is that our parents (the ones I was born to that raised eight children) love their children. Now, all eight children may not see it, but I know it to be true. Over the past few months, I have seen my parents cry and grieve for the children who are hurting, and express sorrow for their own choices that may have led to the struggles of their children. They have expressed joy for the positive choices made, and have rejoiced when any of their children have accomplished something good, small or grand. Parents do not feel these emotions without love. Maybe not everyone can see it, but they love the best they know how.

When my family (my, the Hubby and kids) transitioned from Idaho to Utah this summer, my parents offered for us to stay with them while we looked for a place to live. This was going to be a very temporary stay, perhaps a month. We came on a Sunday. I had just finished all the tests in Idaho- the Echo, CT Scan, Cardiac MRI, etc. The only test left was to finish wearing the monitor. The week after we got to Utah is when my doctor called me from Idaho to share with me about the heart condition. It was a few days later I found out that I needed surgery. My parents did not hesitate. "Stay with while you go through your surgery and recovery." Even though the Hubby and I knew it would be tough in that small home with 9 people, I knew it would considerably lighten the load for me as the mother. I would not have to worry about who would oversee my children being fed, getting to bed, who would play "Mom" while Mom was down. The time with my parents definitely had some difficult moments (as being with family usually will), but there was great beauty in seeing my children get to know their grandparents. There was joy each day Gramma brought home stamps for Princess B's collection Gramma got her started on. There was definitely love. Even through the moments of me being frustrated with my brother, or my dad being a bit grumpy over me "nearly burning the house down" (It was one time, Dad!) there was love. There were long talks, laughter, silliness, love. They have loved us in the best way they know how.

That love has stayed with my little family as we have settled into our new lives in our new place. Now and again, I will see Princess B (age 6) sniffle a bit. When I ask her what is wrong, with sad, teary eyes, she answers, "I miss Gramma and Grampa." I remind her that isn't it wonderful we were able to spend that time with them while Mommy got better, so now she knows them well enough to miss them? I asked her what she loves about them. "Well, Gramma does bring me treasures (stamps) and she is kind. And Grampa is pretty funny." I then let her know that it is the memories she has made with them that make her love for them so special. It is healing to my heart to see these memories and love for her grandparents take place in the walls of my home.

Healing comes in all forms. Sometimes it is through service, other times it is relishing in the memories made. Right now, for me, it is in knowing that my parents, with their failing health, love me enough to take on a family of six for 4 1/2 months, so my heart can have a chance to be made whole.

My name is Jenny McKinney. My heart is healing and for once, I really do not want any chocolate.

Part III (final part of this series) coming soon!

The Journey to Healing... PART I

Ah, I love that moment.... that moment when suddenly everything clicks into place. Everything. Some of you know what I am talking about. It is the moment when I see the clouds slightly part above the steeple I am driving by first thing in the morning. That moment when God whispers to my soul, "Are you understanding yet? There is a purpose to everything under heaven. The heartaches, the depression, the surgery, the financial struggles, friendships lost and gained. All things come together to work for your good and My glory when we allow them to." THAT is the moment I am talking about. Today is one of those moments. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago, I finally made a very public admission: I have been struggling. I truly had no idea that I would receive such an outpouring of love. I very much felt near tangible prayers and love begin to pull me out of that dark place. There were notes of love, emails, phone calls- you name it! While I absolutely am grateful for all of those thoughts on my behalf, there are a few comments that especially struck me deeply that I want to share. Positive thoughts truly are a huge part of my healing process, both physically and emotionally.

From my friend, Erin, whom I met through a facebook group, but she became a heart sister very quickly: 
I love you, Jenny! I know you know Heavenly Father loves you. But you have had to be strong through some heavy stuff for a long time. I hope you know you don't need to be "stronger" - you just need support and friendship. You need safe, trusted, loving friends to rally around you over time. I pray for you that you receive that! It will do more than medicine. I hope my words that follow offer some understanding to those in your social circle locally and touch some hearts in your behalf.

After my peripartum cardiomyopathy (PPCM) (pregnancy-related heart failure), even after my heart was no longer enlarged, no longer in chronic heart failure, and the left ventrical function returned to normal, and so on, it took a long, long time for the rest of my body to catch up and heal. Even now, 7 years after diagnosis, my heart is deconditioned. It will take some vigorous exercise and consistency over time to get it stronger and reduce my high heart rate.

Well-meaning people caught up in the busy-ness of their lives don't understand that when your heart takes a hit - your whole body takes a hit. What's more, our emotions are impacted - our bodies, spirits, and emotions are intricately intertwined. That doesn't recover overnight just because the heart start beating normally again. Also, we have endured trauma - and that certainly takes time and sometimes other work or help to recover from.

You're just beginning the path of your recovery, my friend. I've been an admin for a support group for several years for women with PPCM, and I can tell you that your feelings and needs are normal and understandable. I hope you receive the listening ear, the help and support you need. Love you, Jenny. So glad you're reaching out.

From my dear friend, Sandi, who has known me my whole life, and knows me better than most. She is my soul sister in every way. 
You are no longer the girl with the mysterious heart issue. Your identity was wrapped up in that label for so long that you are now struggling with moving forward without that label that you hated but at the same time became a part of you. You will find yourself again. There is beauty all around you. You were afraid of experiencing true joy because you were afraid of losing it. Feel joy. See the beauty now with hope, not fear. I love you.

That love has stayed with me. Your love has stayed with me. I feel my heart getting better. My energy is returning, albeit slower than I would like. And the darkness? While I am sure I will still have bouts of it here and there throughout my life, for now, the darkness I have been experiencing for weeks is simply.... gone!

Love has lifted me to a higher place
God has granted me this love through His grace
It has taken my soul to a place I now know
Your love has helped me be whole

Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your love.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am healing and.... I already had chocolate. (It was frosting on a donut!)

Go to: Healing- Part II

The Light Will Come

My heart shall not weep for long with the kind of love I feel today from each of you. I am so humbled and so grateful for the dozens of comments, virtual hugs and love notes left on Facebook, on here and in my inbox. Thank you for allowing me to reach out to you. Thank you for reaching back and loving me, in spite of my imperfections. Thank you for the prayers, your concerns and the offers of chocolate.

This scripture passage from 1 Kings 3 really hits home today.
12 Behold, I have done according to thy words: lo, I have given thee a wise and an understanding heart; so that there was none like thee before thee, neither after thee shall any arise like unto thee.
14 And if thou wilt walk in my ways, to keep my statutes and my commandments, as thy father David did walk, then I will lengthen thy days.

There never has been another like me and there will never be another like me (or you). How cool is that? Each of us are so unique and different there will never be another in the world like you. There is even a passage about it in the scriptures, it is so important to understand this!

My days are lengthened for a reason! Yesterday, while at church, I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting and just could not keep my emotions in check. The opening song had words that hit to my core. Then, the gentleman who offered the invocation said something to the effect of, "Bless those with broken hearts that they may be healed through Thee." Oh boy! That did me in. Within a minute of that prayer, I was in the Ladies Room, sobbing up a storm. While I was locked in the stall, thankfully alone at the time, I stood and leaned against the door, weeping, praying and weeping some more. I finally asked God the one question I had not asked since my surgery: Why didn't you let me die? Oh the peace that overcame my soul in that moment, however brief. Because you still have a great work to do came the response. >deep breath<

Woah. Hold the phone. Still have? So, bringing four very incredible children into this world is not my great work? The musical about one of the greatest women ever, that I spent years working on, that hundreds have seen, is not my great work? The prison ministry I began is not my great work? What in the world is my great work?

Do you know what? Right now, that does not even matter. Right now, in my life, what matters is that I literally feel angels of Love and Light passing on your love to me and my aching soul. Right now, what matters is that I know I am not walking this alone. Others have gone through this same journey and they understand. That by itself is comforting. Truly. Right now, what matters is that I know the Lord is aware of my current struggle and He is not going to leave me alone to figure it out. He has sent an outpouring of love to get me through this so one day, I can accomplish my great work- whatever that may be.

Right now, for the first time in a very long time, I feel hope. Real hope. Nearly tangible. I feel hope that angels are attending me, and many of those angels I can "friend." I feel hope that I will be able to figure out what the Lord has in store for me, why He has allowed me to live a long life in good health. I feel hope that although I may have dark days ahead, the light will come. Thank you for that.

My name is Jenny McKinney. For the first time in (seemingly) forever, I feel hope and .... I am going to go have some chocolate. Hot chocolate. Because I really want some.

Out of Darkness....

I had this big, long blog post written up. I just deleted it. I will summarize for you. I am struggling. I am fighting a darkness and a sadness that I never imagined would exist after being told my heart is better. I have felt supported and loved by only a very small fraction of those who have claimed to care. I am sad. I am depressed. There. I said it. Many people have made comments to me that I must be so happy now that I am "all better." Guess what? I am not. My emotions are a mess, although I have been hiding it from nearly everyone but my hubby. I am doing all I can to fight the "this is way more than baby blues" blues, however, this is not leaving. Not soon enough for me, anyway.

Many people assume I am fine, because my heart has been mended. Physically it has been mended, but it is still healing. The problems did not suddenly cease because the procedure went well. I still have had dizzy spells. I still have had chest pain. I am still exhausted. It is less, but it is still there, as my heart tries to become what it needs to be.

I told you from Day One I was going to be real, so here it is: I want out of this darkness. I want to be in the light. I ask for your prayers, positive vibes, juju, and any other good feelings you can send my way. The one way I know how to get through any trial is with a lot of love. I am reaching out to you, asking for that love now. I need it.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am sad and it really is too early for chocolate.

Two Months of Healing with Love

It is hard to believe that two months ago today I was being pumped full of adrenaline to see if my heart would go into cardiac arrest after my procedure. Two months ago today I was supposed to get an ICD implant, but did not. Two months ago today the doctor told me I would be fine and I would never have to get one. Two months ago today, because of the prayers and fasting of so many of you, my heart is repaired and I am on my way to living a full life, instead of a preparing for a life that was going to be very shortened. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and humbled by the miracle I was granted two months ago today.

In the past little week or two, I have had a bit of nervousness as I began having some dizzy spells again. Although I have not yet asked my doctor about it, I know it is because, according to others, I have been doing what I do best- OVERdoing it! Yes, I have been lovingly reprimanded by loved ones. I know! I am healing! I need to rest! However.....

Tell me, though, dear readers, if I rest all the time, who is going to mother my four children? Who is going to homeschool the younger ones? Who is going to do all the SAHM tasks that need doing if I do not do it? All of you mothers know that moms cannot stay down even when she wants to. I am a mom and I have been taking my responsibilities seriously. I have children and a husband that do their part and even some of my part, but still... I am a mother and there are just some things that only a mother can do. Like kiss the boo-boo's all better. Like spontaneously bake cookies for the kid who needs some serious cheering up. Like putting away that last but of laundry that only mother sees did not make it into the drawers. Like wipe the jelly off the table because no one else feels the stickiness when they put their arms on the table. Like taking them on a field trip to Temple Square for school.

Tell me, who else is going to wake up at 6 am to write the song about a friend who has just died because the music woke you up? Who else is going to email the friend to see how they are doing with a trial only you know about? Who else is going to sit in the ER for three hours with their son for a finger that has been sliced open? Who else is going to help him change the bandages on his finger everyday so it does not get infected? Who else is going to brush the hair of a little girl that only allows Mommy to do it because Mommy can work through the tangles without the pain? Who else is going to reach through the walled up emotions of the autistic child when only Mommy is allowed to hold his hand when he is hurting? Who else is going to do these things?

It may seem to some that I am overdoing it. Perhaps I am. What I see, though, is that I am doing exactly what the Lord has allowed me to do- live my life. I do not seek out these things to do. It just comes with the territory. I am resting as much as I can. Truly, I am healing the best I know how, surrounded by love and goodness. That is all I can do- live with love.


My name is Jenny McKinney. I am two months into my healing process and I seriously want some chocolate.

A Prayer for You.....

I see so many friends needing something I cannot give them- healing, miracles, peace- the list goes on and on. The one thing I can do is pray for them. Here is my prayer.

"How can I lift my aching heart?" I pray for answers dear
How can I feel something else to lift my worry and my fear
Then I am reminded to go and serve when I feel this way
I recall that prayer absorbs much of life's cruel pain

I see you in your time of need, much greater than my own
Have I forgotten what it's like to walk that path alone
I find I cannot yet do things like I did before
But I must help those in need, so I kneel upon the floor

I bow my head and close my eyes and offer up a prayer
To Father God, who listens close in triumph or despair
And I ask Him to lift your heart and ease your burdens now
So you may have peace you need in this moment, somehow

He gently then commands His angels to wrap you up in peace
So you may rest, so you may sleep, find comfort in your need
And with love, our Father then holds you in His hands
So you may feel secure and know the pain will someday end

Then tonight as slumber flows into the place of dreams
It is filled with a calm that comforts you and me
For when one soul is aching and needing to be still
It is a prayer of love that's said to show His love is real

 - Jenny McKinney
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