The Truth Shall Set You Free

It has been a quiet time for me on the computer these past few months as my laptop crashed and I do not get on the family computer for extended periods of time. It is so different from my own computer that I find myself not being as appreciative that we even have a nice computer. That gets my wheels turning, though. How often do we have something decent, lovely, useful, etc. and we do not appreciate it, because it is not what we wanted, nor what we planned on having? How often do we begrudge our life's journey because it is not the direction we planned on taking? How often do we allow ourselves to become bitter towards another, even God, because life has not worked out to our specifications? No more for me! It is the end of a year of Conquering Mountains and now onto a year of Renewed Hope.

Each year, I choose a phrase or word, instead of setting a bunch of New Years Resolutions I will never complete. As 2014 is winding down, and I look back, I see that I truly did Conquer Mountains. I look forward to 2015 with Renewed Hope- hope in my body getting stronger, hope in strengthening friendships and mending relationships, hope in being more proactive in my music, hope in other human beings also trying to do good in this world. The goals I set will be throughout the year with the theme "Renewed Hope" and that theme will be my motivation for becoming better.

Ready to run.... or walk

Back in September, I ran a 5K. I know... I did not write about it here, but lucky you, I will include pictures today. Last night, I had a long, continuous dream about my family spending time with my heart surgeon's family. In this dream, Jared (the first name of my doc) and I had a lengthy conversation about how my progress has been, and how difficult it has been on my emotions that family members do not believe in all I went through. He shared with me some insight that helped me feel peace this morning. He told me that I know what I went through, my husband and children know what I went through, he- my heart surgeon- knows what I went through, but most important, God knows what I went through. The rest does not matter, he shared. They choose to believe what they choose to believe. He said to me, "Jenny, I was inside your heart. I literally know what is in there! Your heart was damaged but God granted you a miracle and He healed it! That is what you need to share!" So, share I will!

I share this to all who care to read. I share this for those that might need a reminder that God loves you and that He is real. My heart was broken, and now it is healed. God did this for me!

When I was 20 years old and experiencing difficulties with my first pregnancy, I was diagnosed with arrhythmia. For the next 14 years, I was in and out of hospitals and doctors offices trying to find out why it was so bad I would pass out without notice, why it was so bad that I would go into A-Fib and V-Tac. What was causing this?! For two years, I was tired so I stopped going in for tests. All I was ever told was that something was wrong and they (the doctors) could not figure out what it was. Finally, with some gentle pushing, my loved ones convinced me to go in one more time to see a new doctor. My darling nurse friend went with me, explaining from a medical point of view how she had seen me pass out time and time again with no warning. She shared insight I was not even aware my body was doing! That was in early 2013.

Just finished!

In May 2013, I went through my last set of heart tests. I was lead to a heart specialist that told me she would keep digging until she found answers. (Side note: That first time I met her my heart rate was at 53 bpm and my blood pressure was about 84/42. She said I should not have been so conscious and talking. I told her it was the norm for me. Again- God did that! He kept me alive!) In June, our family moved to Utah from Idaho while I was still wearing my 30-day halter monitor. We moved because my husband and I had it confirmed to us through the Holy Ghost that I was going to die and we needed to be near family to help with the kids once I was gone.

Dr. L called me the following week with results. She had sought out a second opinion before she called me. It was... really bad and I needed heart surgery to save my life. I was diagnosed with a CHD- which means I was born with this condition. Wow! I was sent in to another specialist in Salt Lake for a third opinion, in which he agreed. "You should not even be alive," Dr. B told me. "You are at high risk for Sudden Cardiac Death. I cannot believe you have not had a massive heart attack or have dropped dead yet. You need surgery asap." Without it, I would die.

I was put on strict bed rest for the next five weeks. If my heart rate got up to 120, it would kill me. The day before my surgery was scheduled, I woke up to it racing at 110 bpm. For me, that was life-threatening. It would not have taken much more to send me into cardiac arrest.

Several days prior to surgery I started taking a micro-nutrient that actually changes DNA. I had amazing results.

On August 12, 2013 I went in for major heart surgery. That day, friends from all over the world were

My heart family

fasting for me and my doctors, many souls were praying as well. I had been given a priesthood blessing just before I went to the hospital. Hours later, when I finally went under the knife, a miracle had taken place. All of the problems that had been showing up on the tests were almost non-existent. My heart had almost completely been healed. The medical team mapped out my entire heart and was puzzled because it simply... was not there. All of the detailed, life-threatening issues were mostly... gone. I came out of surgery with a minor procedure instead of a major surgery. I was told I am going to be just fine.

Behind closed doors, my doctor and I say "miracle" but on paper, my diagnosis was actually changed. It truly is a miracle!!

I am healthy. I am starting to get my energy back, and I look forward to living out a long, full life. God did this. He granted my family a miracle. There is no other way to explain it. He worked through fasting, prayer, blessings, and proper nutrition to heal my body. This, I can never deny, for if I do, I would be denying the truth of my God. That, I can never do.

With this post comes the end of this blog. My life's journey has just begun and my heart is healthy and happy. I will spend the new year focusing on sharing my story (in depth) along with my music and doing motivational speaking. Thank you for sharing in this journey with me. It has been a thrill. You are lovely and good and oh, so LOVED by God!! May He always keep you in His ever-lasting care.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am a walking miracle. I am a survivor. Like always.... I really want some chocolate.

Liar, Liar- are Your Pants on Fire?

Are you the kind of person that sees a miracle for what it is or are you one who only believes if it is convenient for you?  I am in the first category.  I have seen too many to deny them, whether they are my own or belong to someone else.

I am writing this post for a few reasons. 
1- I want you to know that I still have very real struggles in my life.
2- So people will realize what happened to me was not a life-fixer, but a life-saver
3- To help you see to not waste your time on the people who create toxicity in your life.  Celebrate life with those who support you, believe you (and the doctors) and believe in you.  It is they that truly matter.

The heart struggles are still very real in that it has only been 10 days since the doctors saved my life.  I am still sore.  I am still bruised.  I am still tired.  Everyday, I get better and better and I know one day, I will be completely whole again.  I look forward to that day.  I look forward to everyday, for that matter. 

You have heard my heart story, but there is more to it.  Without going into great detail, I will say this past week, I was accused of making up my heart condition.  The accusation came from someone I used to be very close to, but due circumstances in our late teens, that tie had to be broken.  We only recently made contact again and have worked on mending our relationship.  Now, I have chosen to severe those ties again.  This is not because I cannot forgive.  It is because I will not stand to be called a liar.  Because I was heart healthy in my youth, it was assumed I always have been.  Obviously this is not true.  ARVD is real.  I had it.  I could show all the medical records and hospital bills from the past 16 years, but really, what good will that do when I am not believed anyway? 


It reminds me of stories in the scriptures when people asked Jesus to prove He was God.  They would take the attitude of, "Prove it to me and I will believe you."  That is not faith, folks.  You might as well say He is a liar.  He knows who He is and if someone chooses to not believe Him, that is their problem and not His.  This is how I feel.  I cannot make everyone believe that I am truthful in my story, but I am.  I have a dozen or more doctors and hundreds of people who have witnessed the heart struggles I've had- the arrhythmia, the dizzy spells, the passing out.  I was told from early on not to have children, or I could die, although the docs did not know exactly why.  Now we do.  Do you want to be the one to convince my children that their mom has faked her illness their whole lives?  I did not think so. 

I speak the truth.  My heart was broken.  Now it is fixed.  What the doctors were able to do (combined with the other two factors- I call it the Triple Threat)  did not fix my life, but it definitely saved it.  I still have financial struggles with my hubby.  I still have a boy with Asperger's and ADHD.  I still have a little girl who desperately wants her own room again.  I still am living with family and not yet in our own home.  I still have bills to pay.  I still have people who do not like me.  I still make mistakes.  But.... my heart does not skip beats all day long.  I no longer pass out.  I am able to drive again.  I am able to exercise again.  My heart can race and I will not die from it. 

Dr. B and his team saved me.  I. Am. Alive. 

It is all right to let go of those who only bring you down.  You are not here to please them.  You are here to reach your divine potential.  So celebrate!  Go out and find a friend that lifts you up and helps you laugh!  Sing while in the shower!  Dance in the rain with your kids!  Fill your life with joy, happiness and light!!  Those who can bring these feelings into your life are the ones you want to continue on with.  Keep smiling and always remember who you are. 

I took several pictures tonight- ones that would prove I actually did get a series of tests ran (again) and as a result of the findings I did end up getting a heart procedure in the hospital.  I wanted to "prove" something in the off chance that the non-believers read this entry.  I have decided, however, that it will do no good.  It is a battle I choose to not fight.  My life is fully blessed with people who love me, enrich my soul and most of all.... who believe me.  For me, that is enough. 

My name is Jenny McKinney.  My pants are not on fire and I really want some chocolate.

Where am I Going?

Aren't grandmother's the best?  I really love when they see things for what they are and do not hesitate to point them out to you.  Yesterday, I talked to my beloved grandmother.  She is is her late 80's and lives in Arizona, so I do not get to see her more than every other year or so.  I miss my grandmother.  Like so many others, she has been faithfully praying for my recovery.  Today I called her so she could hear from me directly on how I am doing.  She shared, "I just cannot believe you did not have to get the ICD.  It really is a miracle."  We talked about how just two months ago, the doctors told me I could die any time without one and now I will never need one.  Miracle?  Absolutely!  What else would you call it?

Everyday, my family and some of my friends have been kindly reminding me that I need to rest, that it takes time to heal.  Ah- I need to be reminded again and again.  Although mt heart is fixed, it was made very clear it will be a full two months before it is working 100%.  Even now, 5 days later, I am still very bruised both inside and out as well as very tired.  Of course, I am attempting to rest, but of course, I tend to overdo it.  Not intentionally, but man, I actually want to fold clothes!!  I want to make the bed.  I just do not have the strength- yet.  The outside proof positive I have that I am already healing is the bruise on my neck, and my eyes.  Although I have not taken a picture of my eyes, I have been told numerous times this week that my eyes already look better.  The dark circles are disappearing.  I had the dark circles clear back in my teens.  My sister says I was having health struggles as far back as 18 years old when I was rooming with her.  There is much I do not remember from that time in my life, so I take her word for it.  My eyes look better.  Finally! 

The sore that the arrow is pointing to is the point of entry on my (I think jugular) vein where the docs went in with the tools to fix me.  There is another point of entry (but due to personal boundaries, I am not going to take a picture of it).  When I stop to think that through a hole "not much bigger than an IV" is where they sent the tools to correct my condition, I am in awe.  Look how small that is!  I am grateful the bruising is not worse.  This is as bad as it has been thus far.  (I am glad we got this picture today, since we forgot to take the camera to the hospital.)  Now, I need to rest.  I went to the store with my hubby  last night to buy 4 items and it totally wiped out.  I had NO IDEA that I would be this exhausted by the end of the week.  Phew!

In pondering all these changes that have come my way, I have had to reconsider my life a bit.  Last fall, I began planning my life according to the years I had left.  Every movie where the mother's life was jeopardized made me sob.  "That could be me," I would think.  Mind you, I was not trying to be morbid, but I was facing reality.  Until June of this year, I did not know there was a way to stay alive (the ICD) with ARVD, I just knew that my time on Earth was limited.  My husband and I were making plans to be prepared: Where he and the children needed to live, how he would need to remarry, etc.  They are tough, but necessary, conversations when you know you will not be around to live into your late years. 

Now, all of these plans have changed again and I have to retrain my brain.  There are things I can do.  There is time to make memories I did not think I would be able make.  What a relief!  What a blessing!  What a miracle!!

With my life given back to me, I have been pondering, "Now what?  What am I going to do?  Where am I going?  How will I use my life to serve others and serve God?"  I will tell you: I am not going to change a thing!  I am going to keep making memories with my husband and children.  I am going to serve as much as my life allows.  I am going to keep writing songs and sharing them with the world.  I am going to go into the prisons to continue my ministry there.  I am going to love and forgive.  I am going to find joy.  I am going to live life to the fullest so when my time does come to return to my Heavenly Home, I will have no regrets.  I am going to live!

"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.  I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.  I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor's children.  I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping weed someone's garden.  I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.  I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived."  ~ Marjorie Pay Hinckley

My name is Jenny McKinney and I am going to live!  (Oh, did I mention that I really want some chocolate?)