Thy Years Shall Not Be Numbered Less

Today was a tender day. Ironically enough, I attended a funeral in which I came away understanding that my days that were once numbered no longer are to be numbered less.

I am reminded of the story of Lazarus in the New Testament.  Although He already knew beforehand that Lazarus had died, and even though He knew Lazarus would soon arise, when Jesus got to His friend's side, "Jesus wept..... Behold how He loved him!" (John 11: 35-36) 

Oh, how I loved my friend! Oh, how I love his wife and children! I know that one day, we will all see him again, yet in that moment, we did weep, still weep for the loss of him. Because we love him.

While holding the hand of Steve's darling mother, and as we cried together, we quietly talked of how the Lord must really need great missionaries at this time on the other side. We discussed how Steve is one of the greatest. Then, in a moment of deep grief, I broke down and shared with her about my heart and how I have moments of survivor's guilt that he left and I am still here. (Isn't it interesting how those of us that go to comfort the family members are usually the ones uplifted? I saw that many times today.) Sister McKane shared with me something she remembered from the scriptures. She talked about how those of us that are still here are not yet done with our mortal missions and that is why we are left behind. I have found three references that I think she was referring to.

In Doctrine and Covenants 122:9 it says: "Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less." Then in D&C 121:25 it says: "For there is a time appointed for every man, according as his works shall be." The last is in Job 7:1 "Is there not an appointed time to man upon earth?"

For those of us left behind, it is not our time to go! We still have work to do! Finding out that purpose and fulfilling it is part of our mortal journey. For Steve, it was to guide these young men to believe in something better than they ever imagine. It was about helping them reach their potential, even their Divine potential.

During that hour of grieving, I learned something about my heart. I realized that one of the reasons that I have been more sensitive, and feeling everything deeper than before, is because my heart works now! I do not have to struggle with my emotions, I can just feel them! I can laugh, cry, mourn, rejoice and live without the endless worry of my heart missing beats, adding extra beats, or my heart just... stopping. As much as I loved others before this journey to healing began, I can love that much more! When I need to weep for my Lazarus friends, it is a blessing! When I feel the need to giggle with my older brother because of the remarkable changes he has made in his life, I can! And when I desire to run, dance, sleep, dream, or just relax, I can just... be, and I will rejoice and be glad in it!

One of my oldest and dearest friends wrote on my Facebook wall: "You are no longer the girl with the mysterious heart issue. Your identity was wrapped up in that label for so long that you are now struggling with moving forward without that label that you hated but at the same time became a part of you. You will find yourself again. There is beauty all around you. You were afraid of experiencing true joy because you were afraid of losing it. Feel joy. See the beauty now with hope, not fear. I love you."

I am ready to embrace that beauty! I am ready to love! For the first time in the lives of my children and my 17 years of marriage, I am ready to use this heart as the Lord would have me do. Because I do have today, I am finally ready, and able, to live!

My name is Jenny McKinney and I am ready to LIVE! (PS- I already had my chocolate!)