The Journey to Healing... PART I

Ah, I love that moment.... that moment when suddenly everything clicks into place. Everything. Some of you know what I am talking about. It is the moment when I see the clouds slightly part above the steeple I am driving by first thing in the morning. That moment when God whispers to my soul, "Are you understanding yet? There is a purpose to everything under heaven. The heartaches, the depression, the surgery, the financial struggles, friendships lost and gained. All things come together to work for your good and My glory when we allow them to." THAT is the moment I am talking about. Today is one of those moments. Let me explain.

A few weeks ago, I finally made a very public admission: I have been struggling. I truly had no idea that I would receive such an outpouring of love. I very much felt near tangible prayers and love begin to pull me out of that dark place. There were notes of love, emails, phone calls- you name it! While I absolutely am grateful for all of those thoughts on my behalf, there are a few comments that especially struck me deeply that I want to share. Positive thoughts truly are a huge part of my healing process, both physically and emotionally.

From my friend, Erin, whom I met through a facebook group, but she became a heart sister very quickly: 
I love you, Jenny! I know you know Heavenly Father loves you. But you have had to be strong through some heavy stuff for a long time. I hope you know you don't need to be "stronger" - you just need support and friendship. You need safe, trusted, loving friends to rally around you over time. I pray for you that you receive that! It will do more than medicine. I hope my words that follow offer some understanding to those in your social circle locally and touch some hearts in your behalf.

After my peripartum cardiomyopathy (PPCM) (pregnancy-related heart failure), even after my heart was no longer enlarged, no longer in chronic heart failure, and the left ventrical function returned to normal, and so on, it took a long, long time for the rest of my body to catch up and heal. Even now, 7 years after diagnosis, my heart is deconditioned. It will take some vigorous exercise and consistency over time to get it stronger and reduce my high heart rate.

Well-meaning people caught up in the busy-ness of their lives don't understand that when your heart takes a hit - your whole body takes a hit. What's more, our emotions are impacted - our bodies, spirits, and emotions are intricately intertwined. That doesn't recover overnight just because the heart start beating normally again. Also, we have endured trauma - and that certainly takes time and sometimes other work or help to recover from.

You're just beginning the path of your recovery, my friend. I've been an admin for a support group for several years for women with PPCM, and I can tell you that your feelings and needs are normal and understandable. I hope you receive the listening ear, the help and support you need. Love you, Jenny. So glad you're reaching out.

From my dear friend, Sandi, who has known me my whole life, and knows me better than most. She is my soul sister in every way. 
You are no longer the girl with the mysterious heart issue. Your identity was wrapped up in that label for so long that you are now struggling with moving forward without that label that you hated but at the same time became a part of you. You will find yourself again. There is beauty all around you. You were afraid of experiencing true joy because you were afraid of losing it. Feel joy. See the beauty now with hope, not fear. I love you.

That love has stayed with me. Your love has stayed with me. I feel my heart getting better. My energy is returning, albeit slower than I would like. And the darkness? While I am sure I will still have bouts of it here and there throughout my life, for now, the darkness I have been experiencing for weeks is simply.... gone!

Love has lifted me to a higher place
God has granted me this love through His grace
It has taken my soul to a place I now know
Your love has helped me be whole

Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your love.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am healing and.... I already had chocolate. (It was frosting on a donut!)

Go to: Healing- Part II

The Light Will Come

My heart shall not weep for long with the kind of love I feel today from each of you. I am so humbled and so grateful for the dozens of comments, virtual hugs and love notes left on Facebook, on here and in my inbox. Thank you for allowing me to reach out to you. Thank you for reaching back and loving me, in spite of my imperfections. Thank you for the prayers, your concerns and the offers of chocolate.

This scripture passage from 1 Kings 3 really hits home today.
12 Behold, I have done according to thy words: lo, I have given thee a wise and an understanding heart; so that there was none like thee before thee, neither after thee shall any arise like unto thee.
14 And if thou wilt walk in my ways, to keep my statutes and my commandments, as thy father David did walk, then I will lengthen thy days.

There never has been another like me and there will never be another like me (or you). How cool is that? Each of us are so unique and different there will never be another in the world like you. There is even a passage about it in the scriptures, it is so important to understand this!

My days are lengthened for a reason! Yesterday, while at church, I was sitting in Sacrament Meeting and just could not keep my emotions in check. The opening song had words that hit to my core. Then, the gentleman who offered the invocation said something to the effect of, "Bless those with broken hearts that they may be healed through Thee." Oh boy! That did me in. Within a minute of that prayer, I was in the Ladies Room, sobbing up a storm. While I was locked in the stall, thankfully alone at the time, I stood and leaned against the door, weeping, praying and weeping some more. I finally asked God the one question I had not asked since my surgery: Why didn't you let me die? Oh the peace that overcame my soul in that moment, however brief. Because you still have a great work to do came the response. >deep breath<

Woah. Hold the phone. Still have? So, bringing four very incredible children into this world is not my great work? The musical about one of the greatest women ever, that I spent years working on, that hundreds have seen, is not my great work? The prison ministry I began is not my great work? What in the world is my great work?

Do you know what? Right now, that does not even matter. Right now, in my life, what matters is that I literally feel angels of Love and Light passing on your love to me and my aching soul. Right now, what matters is that I know I am not walking this alone. Others have gone through this same journey and they understand. That by itself is comforting. Truly. Right now, what matters is that I know the Lord is aware of my current struggle and He is not going to leave me alone to figure it out. He has sent an outpouring of love to get me through this so one day, I can accomplish my great work- whatever that may be.

Right now, for the first time in a very long time, I feel hope. Real hope. Nearly tangible. I feel hope that angels are attending me, and many of those angels I can "friend." I feel hope that I will be able to figure out what the Lord has in store for me, why He has allowed me to live a long life in good health. I feel hope that although I may have dark days ahead, the light will come. Thank you for that.

My name is Jenny McKinney. For the first time in (seemingly) forever, I feel hope and .... I am going to go have some chocolate. Hot chocolate. Because I really want some.

A Prayer for You.....

I see so many friends needing something I cannot give them- healing, miracles, peace- the list goes on and on. The one thing I can do is pray for them. Here is my prayer.

"How can I lift my aching heart?" I pray for answers dear
How can I feel something else to lift my worry and my fear
Then I am reminded to go and serve when I feel this way
I recall that prayer absorbs much of life's cruel pain

I see you in your time of need, much greater than my own
Have I forgotten what it's like to walk that path alone
I find I cannot yet do things like I did before
But I must help those in need, so I kneel upon the floor

I bow my head and close my eyes and offer up a prayer
To Father God, who listens close in triumph or despair
And I ask Him to lift your heart and ease your burdens now
So you may have peace you need in this moment, somehow

He gently then commands His angels to wrap you up in peace
So you may rest, so you may sleep, find comfort in your need
And with love, our Father then holds you in His hands
So you may feel secure and know the pain will someday end

Then tonight as slumber flows into the place of dreams
It is filled with a calm that comforts you and me
For when one soul is aching and needing to be still
It is a prayer of love that's said to show His love is real

 - Jenny McKinney
listen to the reading

The Miracle of my Heart- Part II

The Procedure Hours
As I was wheeled into the lab (reminder: the OR for the heart and lung unit), they gave me a nice warm blankey to cover myself up as I was transferred onto the operating table.  Ah, so toasty!  Introductions were made all around.  What a nice team they were!  After I told them my daughter's instructions and they said they planned on fixing my heart the best they could, the anesthesiologist said,  "All right, I have just given you some happy juice.  Some people do not like how it makes them feel."  I replied that I didn't either.  I did not even get to count backwards from 10, because I was out so fast.  The next memory I have, I was waking up in recovery- 3 1/2 hours later!

I love when I am entertaining to others and have no recollection of it myself.  My husband, children, and closest friends refer to this behavior as the "after 10 drunkness."  My mother was witness to this behavior, as well as the medical team, as I was coming out of my unconscious state, totally loopy from the drugs that had me knocked out.  "Whooooo are youuuuu??" I asked the nurse.  Apparently Nurse Brandi introduced herself to me 3 times before I finally remembered we had met already.  The same went for the others in the room.  I would ask a question, then doze off.  Ask a question, then doze off, keeping everyone in stitches while doing so.  Some of the other question consisted of, "Where... where am I?" and "What is going on here?"  Ah... I love not remembering.  I even called my hubby and sister to let them know everything went well... and later had to be told I talked to them, because I did not remember.

The Best News EVER
I am sure it was a bit nerve racking for my mom to be the one to take in all the news from Dr. B, since I was a bit.... incoherent.  She was told everything went really well and they did not put in the ICD.  When she asked if I would be coming back later in the week to get it, she was told the best news ever: It looked like I will never need it!!  Say what??  Here is what was explained to me over the next few hours. 

This Never Happens
When the camera was placed in my heart, the med team quickly learned that it is not as enlarged as they thought it was originally.  I was given the medicine to make my heart act up in order to find the circuit(s) causing the problem.  Even if they were to find the circuit and ablate it, my condition was bad enough I needed the ICD to live!  What happened was they immediately were able to find the circuit causing the arrhythmia.  "This never happens," is what the nurse explained to me.  She said usually when they get in there, the heart decides to behave and it takes several tries to find the correct circuit.  This was not the case for me.  They fixed the problem by cauterizing the end of the circuit, ultimately making little scars on my heart in order to create a new electrical flow.  My heart began to beat normally, evenly, for the first time in my entire adult life.  After it was stable, they gave me more meds, trying to cause it to react to negative situation that could occur in the future- arrhythmia, cardiac arrest, etc.  The great news?  My heart kept beating steadily and never responded to the drugs.  The problem was fixed!!  Once it was fixed, it was determined I would never have to have the ICD and the ARVD is simply..... gone!  I do not have it anymore!  (Now what will I blog about?)  I will no longer have the dizzy spells, the fatigue, the passing out!  After more than 16 years, my heart will not fight me everyday.  It also looks as if my children will not inherit the condition after all!!  Say what?  Could that be because in the two short weeks my genes had changed enough that they were no longer convinced this was a genetic mutation?  I do not know (and whether or not you agree) but I believe those products certainly could have had something to do with that conclusion.

So Now What?
In three weeks, I go in for a check up.  As I said before, for the first time in my adult life (I was diagnosed with arrhythmia at age 20. I am now 36) my heart is working properly.  Beep... beep... beep... said the steady beeps on the monitor as I looked at it after the procedure.  At last!  Before I went in, my heart rate could not even stay above 60 bpm.  It was even dropping into the 40's.  After, it was a steady 78 bpm.  Hallelujah!!  I am having to take it really easy for 3-4 days with no lifting more than a jug of milk, only stepping up with my left leg first, walking around for 5-10 min at a time, but mostly staying down or sitting at a angle in which I am not bending at the hip.  In a week, I will be able to start doing normal things again.  What is normal?  Driving (I have not done this for months), taking walks with my kids, sitting and playing a card game from start to finish, without passing out in the middle of it etc.  In 2 months, my heart will be working 100% perfectly, after it has time to adjust to the changes.  I might feel a flutter here and there, but that is because it is adjusting to the new circuit flow and rhythm.

Yesterday morning, my hubby said I already looked healthier.  What a GREAT compliment!  For the first time in my children's lives, their mommy will be healthy and strong.  How can we not rejoice?

I firmly believe that I am to use this experience to help others learn about this life-threatening condition.  Some of the blessings (besides the ones I have already told you about just now) are that I have made new friends along the way and strengthened already existing friendships.  I have seen the smiles on the faces of my loved ones as they have learned that I no longer am at high risk for sudden cardiac death.  I have felt Heaven's blessings pour abundantly on us as we have been loved through this very difficult time in our lives.  My heart is healthy.  My heart beats strong.  How can I deny that this is a Divine outcome?

I had an amazing team of doctors and nurses.  For them, I will be forever grateful.  I went into the surgery lab with my doctor planning on giving me a permanent device to keep me alive.  I came out without one, and my heart was fixed for good. "This never happens, Jenny."  Well, it did and in my book, that is a miracle!

My name is Jenny McKinney.  My heart is miraculous and you bet I really want some chocolate!

 

The Miracle of my Heart- Part I

Have you ever experienced a miracle?  I am grateful that I have seen many in my life.  Last night, the Lord saw fit to grant my heart a miracle.  I want to share this whole story with you, so this will be in a two or three part post.

As a Review:
When I got my official diagnosis of ARVD, my doctor determined it was a genetic condition, because of my family history.  Although we did not run any tests to make that official, it was pretty for sure.  This put my children at a 50% risk of carrying the gene.  The plan was to get them tested so we can be prepared if they do have it.  The plan for me was to get the Electrophysiology Study done, alblate the misbehaving circuits in my heart, if they could find them, (it really is a guessing game) then implant a loop recorder, which I would wear for up to three years.  This was all to be done yesterday, then later this week I would go back to get the ICD implant, which I would wear the rest of my life.  Things did not go quite like planned.  This is the miracle.

A Few Factors:
First, let me explain that I strongly feel there are several factors to the miracle taking place.  To do this, I need to share a bit of history I have not before, because it is so deeply personal that I did not think it proper to share publicly.  If I am to use my life to bring glory and honor to God, then I feel that it is now the right time to share this.  You can believe this or not, but I speak only the truth and this is my story.

Back in November, I was in my studio (aka- garage) working on selecting music for my songbook I was putting together, when I had a wonderful experience.  This is not the kind of experience that is normal to all, but it is quite common in my life.  I was prompted by the Holy Ghost to began getting my music and other affairs in order.  There was very specific instruction given and I was told that if things continued as they were going with my heart, I would not be here very long.  Specifically, I would have maybe 2 years to live.  If I found a way to get my heart under control, I would be here longer, but still not as long as I want to be.  (There was much more to it, but this is the basic info.) With that news, I collapsed to the floor, weeping.  I knew I had to do something, but what?  A few minutes later, my hubby came home from work and we talked about this revelation and prayed together.  We knew that if we did all we could on our end, the Lord would allow me to be here to see my children raised- at least a while longer.  I decided I would take whatever time I could get and live my life to the best I could, making memories with my family and bringing glory to my Heavenly Father and Savior. You can read what happened next here.

The Miracle Formula:

Personal fast and prayer is part of the miracle. Through the promptings of the Spirit, we have known what to do seemingly every step of the way.  As I began going through the testing, I was fasting and praying about the right course of treatment to take.  It was told to me very clearly that if the doctors told me I needed to get any kind of procedure done, I was to do it.  So when I got to Utah and was told I needed these life saving procedures, I knew I could not argue it.  We scheduled for August 12.

Great nutrition has played a major key in the miracle; not just any nutrition, though.: Lunarich nutrition.  During these months, I was introduced to this product that I absolutely 100% am convinced changed the outcome of my heart procedure.  Again, this is only one ingredient in the
Miracle Formula, but definitely a big part of it.  Remember when the doc said this was genetic?  Basically, this product makes negative genes no longer function and wakes up positive, healthy genes.  So when you hear about what he said after surgery, this is why I believe he was lead to his decision.

YOU are the other part of the Miracle Formula.  I had friends of every age, all over the world, fasting and/or praying for me.  That was you!  It was because of those prayers, because of your unwavering faith, that I am absolutely sure caused the miracle to happen.  For that, I will always love you.  I will always be grateful.

Of course, the other part of the formula was the guided, prompted hands of the doctors and nurses that treated my heart.  I know if Dr. B had not combined his expertise with spiritual guidance, things could have been a lot different.

The Waiting Game:
I was scheduled to be at the hospital at 11:30 am.  I was prepped for the procedure fairly quickly and we thought I would be in the lab (aka the heart and lung operating room) by 12:30.  My mom and I (She stayed with me the whole day. Love my mom!) were updated every 20-30 minutes, making us aware there was a bit of a wait.  The patient in the lab before me, also under Dr. B's skilled hands, was having some complications.  They kept finding something else wrong with her heart and had to fix it while she was in there.  Who was I to complain?  I pray they were able to mend her heart. 

Meanwhile, I looked over the paperwork with my nurse and the orders said I was to have all the procedures done that day.  This included: the Electrophysiology Study (heart cath), ablation, the loop recorder implanted, and the ICD implant (which I originally was told would be later in the week, remember.)  A bit unsure as to what to prep me for, Nurse Patti called Dr. B in the lab.  He said to prep me for everything.  You see, the study we knew for sure was going to happen.  Then, IF they could find the misbehaving circuit, they would fix it by ablating it, which would reroute the electricity in my heart.  They also were going to implant a loop recorder under my skin.  This device would allow them to see all of my heart comings and goings.  The final procedure would be the ICD, but until we got into the lab, we would not know for sure if I was going to get it that day.  However, when he said to prep me and have me plan on staying overnight, I knew I was going to be going home the next day with a device permanently implanted in my chest.  I realized that if this is what he felt he was to do, it was what the Lord wanted for me, to keep me here.  I was at peace with that. 

It was nice to have the day with my mom, but really, she needed to put her feet up and I wanted to have it all done with.  I am not a patient person, but at least the nurses and aides were fabulous and the bed was super comfy.  However, fasting 6 hours before my time to go in, then having another 5 hours added to that fast was not the easiest thing in the world to do.  (Ah well!  It's over and done and I have eaten plenty since then!)  It was finally 4:30pm before I got wheeled into the lab.  When I left the house that morning, my little girl (6 years) ran outside and yelled, "Go get your heart fixed... and bring us presents!!"  I informed the medical staff in the lab of her instructions to fix my heart.  They said that is what they intended to do.  Yay!  Here we go!  My heart was about the be in their hands.

My name is Jenny McKinney.  The story is about to get amazing and I really do want some chocolate.

The Miracle of my Heart- Part II