The Truth Shall Set You Free

It has been a quiet time for me on the computer these past few months as my laptop crashed and I do not get on the family computer for extended periods of time. It is so different from my own computer that I find myself not being as appreciative that we even have a nice computer. That gets my wheels turning, though. How often do we have something decent, lovely, useful, etc. and we do not appreciate it, because it is not what we wanted, nor what we planned on having? How often do we begrudge our life's journey because it is not the direction we planned on taking? How often do we allow ourselves to become bitter towards another, even God, because life has not worked out to our specifications? No more for me! It is the end of a year of Conquering Mountains and now onto a year of Renewed Hope.

Each year, I choose a phrase or word, instead of setting a bunch of New Years Resolutions I will never complete. As 2014 is winding down, and I look back, I see that I truly did Conquer Mountains. I look forward to 2015 with Renewed Hope- hope in my body getting stronger, hope in strengthening friendships and mending relationships, hope in being more proactive in my music, hope in other human beings also trying to do good in this world. The goals I set will be throughout the year with the theme "Renewed Hope" and that theme will be my motivation for becoming better.

Ready to run.... or walk

Back in September, I ran a 5K. I know... I did not write about it here, but lucky you, I will include pictures today. Last night, I had a long, continuous dream about my family spending time with my heart surgeon's family. In this dream, Jared (the first name of my doc) and I had a lengthy conversation about how my progress has been, and how difficult it has been on my emotions that family members do not believe in all I went through. He shared with me some insight that helped me feel peace this morning. He told me that I know what I went through, my husband and children know what I went through, he- my heart surgeon- knows what I went through, but most important, God knows what I went through. The rest does not matter, he shared. They choose to believe what they choose to believe. He said to me, "Jenny, I was inside your heart. I literally know what is in there! Your heart was damaged but God granted you a miracle and He healed it! That is what you need to share!" So, share I will!

I share this to all who care to read. I share this for those that might need a reminder that God loves you and that He is real. My heart was broken, and now it is healed. God did this for me!

When I was 20 years old and experiencing difficulties with my first pregnancy, I was diagnosed with arrhythmia. For the next 14 years, I was in and out of hospitals and doctors offices trying to find out why it was so bad I would pass out without notice, why it was so bad that I would go into A-Fib and V-Tac. What was causing this?! For two years, I was tired so I stopped going in for tests. All I was ever told was that something was wrong and they (the doctors) could not figure out what it was. Finally, with some gentle pushing, my loved ones convinced me to go in one more time to see a new doctor. My darling nurse friend went with me, explaining from a medical point of view how she had seen me pass out time and time again with no warning. She shared insight I was not even aware my body was doing! That was in early 2013.

Just finished!

In May 2013, I went through my last set of heart tests. I was lead to a heart specialist that told me she would keep digging until she found answers. (Side note: That first time I met her my heart rate was at 53 bpm and my blood pressure was about 84/42. She said I should not have been so conscious and talking. I told her it was the norm for me. Again- God did that! He kept me alive!) In June, our family moved to Utah from Idaho while I was still wearing my 30-day halter monitor. We moved because my husband and I had it confirmed to us through the Holy Ghost that I was going to die and we needed to be near family to help with the kids once I was gone.

Dr. L called me the following week with results. She had sought out a second opinion before she called me. It was... really bad and I needed heart surgery to save my life. I was diagnosed with a CHD- which means I was born with this condition. Wow! I was sent in to another specialist in Salt Lake for a third opinion, in which he agreed. "You should not even be alive," Dr. B told me. "You are at high risk for Sudden Cardiac Death. I cannot believe you have not had a massive heart attack or have dropped dead yet. You need surgery asap." Without it, I would die.

I was put on strict bed rest for the next five weeks. If my heart rate got up to 120, it would kill me. The day before my surgery was scheduled, I woke up to it racing at 110 bpm. For me, that was life-threatening. It would not have taken much more to send me into cardiac arrest.

Several days prior to surgery I started taking a micro-nutrient that actually changes DNA. I had amazing results.

On August 12, 2013 I went in for major heart surgery. That day, friends from all over the world were

My heart family

fasting for me and my doctors, many souls were praying as well. I had been given a priesthood blessing just before I went to the hospital. Hours later, when I finally went under the knife, a miracle had taken place. All of the problems that had been showing up on the tests were almost non-existent. My heart had almost completely been healed. The medical team mapped out my entire heart and was puzzled because it simply... was not there. All of the detailed, life-threatening issues were mostly... gone. I came out of surgery with a minor procedure instead of a major surgery. I was told I am going to be just fine.

Behind closed doors, my doctor and I say "miracle" but on paper, my diagnosis was actually changed. It truly is a miracle!!

I am healthy. I am starting to get my energy back, and I look forward to living out a long, full life. God did this. He granted my family a miracle. There is no other way to explain it. He worked through fasting, prayer, blessings, and proper nutrition to heal my body. This, I can never deny, for if I do, I would be denying the truth of my God. That, I can never do.

With this post comes the end of this blog. My life's journey has just begun and my heart is healthy and happy. I will spend the new year focusing on sharing my story (in depth) along with my music and doing motivational speaking. Thank you for sharing in this journey with me. It has been a thrill. You are lovely and good and oh, so LOVED by God!! May He always keep you in His ever-lasting care.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am a walking miracle. I am a survivor. Like always.... I really want some chocolate.

Things Are Different Now

I am 37 years old and my life has just begun. Many days, I feel I am infantile in my learning process, which is rightly so; this life is all about gaining wisdom and knowledge but it's length is but the blink of an eye in the eternal perspective. I like to think that my 20's were my growing up years and my 30's are my years to gain wisdom. What will my 40's hold?

Things are different now. It has only been in the past few weeks that I have begun to realize how much I have learned since my heart was restored 10 months ago. Last night, as my mother-in-law was visiting from out of state and, along with her mother, we discussed some thoughts on mothering and parenting, I could almost hear what these wonderful ladies were thinking, "Jenny finally gets it! She has finally grown up." I nearly called them out on thinking those things, but decided to just leave it alone. One thing I have noticed since my heart was declared strong and healthy is how much I see things differently now... how much more life means to me.

Things are different now. The struggle of being a healthy mom has been more difficult than I thought it would be. As I have shared here, I have walked a road of feeling lost in who I am. It was almost easy when I was dying, because I knew what I had to get done. Yet... why not do those things still? I want to help my children to their chores. I want to homeschool! I want to teach them right from wrong! Everyday, I look at my children and husband with this deep, abiding love. in awe, I wonder that if I can love them so deeply, how much greater is the love of our Savior and Father in Heaven for these souls. How can a love be greater than that of a mother? If it is the love of our Creators, then it is so.

Things are different now. I still do not have my energy restored to 100% capacity. That will still take some time. What I do have is my ability to love reaching beyond depths I never imagined. What if, when my heart was fixed, God placed in it more love than I could experience before? Perhaps in my physical healing, a spiritual healing took place, one where the Atonement was truly procured by a soul, my soul, that I did not even realize was aching.

Things are different now. All I want to do is love, serve, create. Before, I looked for reasons to be angry, to feed an unhappiness that resulted from poor self-esteem I did not even realize I struggled with. Now, I desire to keep this smile on my face all the time. Do I lose my temper? Yep! Now I am quicker to apologize and ask forgiveness. Do I make mistakes? All the time! Yet, my desire to change and be better comes from opening my heart and receiving the Grace of God rather than "just doing the right thing".

Things are different now. Now I am willing to learn from my mistakes; I am willing to feel the Love and Grace of God; I am willing to allow my heart to love in ways it would not have before. The more I love, the more I serve, the more I count my blessings, the more my heart loves, grows, functions in ways unknown to Man.

Yes, things are different now and for this, I am grateful.

My name is Jenny McKinney. Things are different. I am different .... and I already had chocolate today.

Shaky Knees, Strong Heart

Two weeks ago, I had a sudden pain in my left knee- one that would not leave, no matter what I did. Concerned that I pinched a nerve like I had in my other knee years ago, I did my best to rest it. I put a knee brace on, occasionally taking it off to ice it. After a couple of days of this interruption in my life, I finally borrowed a set of crutches. I just could not put pressure directly on it. Should I have gone to a doctor? Maybe. Did I? No. A good friend brought me over some all-natural pain patches. Those I was willing try. As you may know by now, I am not a fan of medication, so the all-natural Class 1 Medical Device patches appealed to me. They brought enough relief that I was able to be off the crutches by the next day and I thought I was good to go. (I am grateful to my family for not making goat noises while I painfully gimped around the house.)

Two days ago, I went for a walk- a little over a mile. Everything was fine. That evening, I pushed things a bit and went for a... gulp... jog. Not my brightest moment, that was for sure. I barely covered half a mile when the pain decided to come back full force. Sigh.

Yesterday, things were feeling rather fine until my dog decided to walk next to me and knock me off balance. When I tried to catch myself from falling, I stepped down hard on my left leg, causing the pain to shoot through my knee like a lightening bolt zaps an evergreen. Thankfully, my hubby caught me before I could totally fall to the ground.

As I have been feeling things out for my future goal of running a marathon, my kind husband pointed out that with my knee struggles (that I have had problems with since my childhood) perhaps I should plan on walking the marathon, instead of running it. I told him pointedly that walking it would take too long. He patiently replied that running it may be putting too much pressure on my knee and I am risking serious damage to it. I wondered how long it would take to walk a marathon.

On Sunday morning, I was studying what members of my Church call "The Lord's Law of Health" or "The Word of Wisdom." Especially since my diagnosis and since my one year "heartiversary" is approaching, I have been particularly interested in strengthening my newly functioning heart. In a sacred blessing I was once given, I was promised that if I live the Lord's Law of Health, my body would function properly and I would be able to overcome the illnesses and sickness that I would experience in this life. This makes me rejoice! With a little time and a little more recovery, I know my heart can withstand the marathon. What about my knees, though? They are rather shaky these days!

I have decided to trust in the blessings of God and move forward with this marathon goal. I am going to research out knee-strengthening exercises and focus on making them strong. Once I do that, I know I can do this! It will not be this year as I originally planned, as I am learning to slow down and proceed with caution, but I will accomplish my goal! I may have shaky knees now, but my heart is strong and like the Lord provided a way for my heart to be healed, so He shall with my knees.

My name is Jenny McKinney. My heart is strong and I really want some chocolate! (It's breakfast time. I wonder if I can find some around here.)

That Weird Thing Again....

Dear God: 

I have not posted on here in quite some time. There is a reason for that... my heart is healthy!

Sometimes, I feel my heart doing that "weird thing again," as I tell DH. When he asks what it's doing, I smile and say, "Beating normally." It is still so foreign to me because for years all I could feel was the skipped heart beats, the palpitations, the A-Fib moments. Now, I do not pay attention because it is beating so strong and healthy! Once in a while, in a quiet moment, I really feel that healthy beat and once again, I am in awe of a God who lead the doctors to mending my broken heart. 

In a few days, I will reach my 9-month heart healthy anniversary. Three months from now, I will be hitting my year mark. I never thought I would go a whole year where I would not worry about collapsing, being out of breath just from sitting up, having a heart attack..... dying. Truth be told, I still do worry sometimes. What if this is not as real as I think it is? What if the doctors missed something? What if I relapse? 

Then, I remember that on August 12, 2013, God granted me a miracle. A real miracle!! I had people all over the world fasting and praying for me, for my heart to be whole, and He gave me that!! What does that say about my faith if I doubt? My heart is not just mended, it is WHOLE!!! For that, I am grateful and will celebrate my life everyday! 

Everyday, I am working on taking a few moments to listen to my heartbeat, for when I hear it beating strongly, I know that God is real. 

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am strong, I am whole. No chocolate is necessary to know that!

The Significance of 132

132... and ordinary number.... usually. Not to me. Not anymore.

Back on August 11th, the day before I was scheduled for my heart surgery to get the ICD for my ARVD (there are a LOT of initials in the heart world), I awoke from a dead sleep to a rate of 110 bpm. Dr. B had told me that if my heart rate got to 120, I would go into Sudden Cardiac Death. Waking up to that heart rate was a little.... terrifying. Of course, we know how this all turned out and I am here.

Why 132? What is so significant about that number? As I have been working towards my goal of marathon training I have had to learn to walk for long periods of time, then slowly add in jogging, so not to push my heart too hard. Yes, I have been given the "all-clear" to do what I want, but one thing I was told is to listen to my body. I still do not have all my strength back, although it has been just over 6 months. "It could take a year," is what Dr. B told me. Each time I go out to run (it really is jogging but apparently that counts as running) I listen to my heart and if she tells me I can run a little further, I do. On Tuesday this week, I reached a new milestone of TWO miles! Of course I walked part of that, but I am now up to two miles! At the end of that run, my heart rate was.... can you guess?..... 132 bpm!! Guess what? I felt GREAT! I may have been out of breath, jello legged, and walking by the end, but I was ALIVE!

Little by little everyday, I am finding more strength. I still have to rest sometimes and that is OK! The important thing is I keep trying... I keep working towards my goal. I hit a new milestone on the scale today. Positive changes are happening! Great things are happening! I can do this, because God makes the impossible.... possible!

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am ALIVE and I really don't want chocolate today.... not yet. ;)

love takes hold

heavy heart
lonely soul
wanting to
take control

healthy now
at least in heart
darkness lingers
will not depart

hard to know
how to fight
one might think
this is not right

my heart is strong
for the first time
yet mind is sullen
darkness abides

fighting hard
to find my place
in a world
with tempting ways

they cannot see
the tears i cry
the loneliness
i feel inside

surround myself
with people of joy
my little girl
my grown-up boys

love takes hold
God enters in
he has made me
whole again

i play a song
my heart sings
my heart now can
do anything

-Jenny McKinney

Heart Hero Marathon

I have done it. I have gone completely batty..... or at least that was eluded to in a conversation I had today. I have decided to train this upcoming year to... gulp... run... RUN.... (I do not run!).... a marathon!! Unlike so many athletes out there who are in no way crazy, what makes me a little odd is that I do not even run! I love the outdoors and I enjoy taking walks. I even have enjoyed playing sports over the years for fun, but I am in no way an "athlete" and in no way a "runner." So what made me decide to set this hard-to-achieve goal? The Heart Warrior kids, of course!!

A few months back, I joined the IHH group (Intermountain Healing Hearts). They are SO loving and accepting of heart families, even us adults with CHD we did not know about until mid 30's. I fall in love with the heart kiddos everyday as parents ask for prayers, share stories of triumphs and tell about their heart child gaining angels wings. It is a place of healing, of support, of love. Recently, Taylorsville High in Salt Lake City had a fundraiser for IHH. As a thank you to them, IHH put together this video of some of the Heart Hero Warriors in our Heart Family. I fell in love with them even more! I have been praying for guidance as to what I can do to show my love and appreciation to this marvelous group of friends. I have been asking God to guide me to know how I can take my now-healthy heart and use it to bring glory to Him. I know He wants me to teach others about these heart heroes. These thoughts joined other thoughts I have been having.

I want to DO something to celebrate my life! I want to DO something to say, "Hey! God has used His great power to do wonders through me. Pay attention to what He does with you!" I want to DO something so one day someone will say, "Remember that crazy woman who _____? That inspired me. I want to do something as well." Then, a few days ago, I can across some love notes from Cheryl Nelson, my beloved high school English teacher, who passed away in 2000 from lung cancer. She was a marathon runner and breast cancer survivor. She was also like another mother to me. She was one of the most single impacting people in my life. I miss her greatly. She is still inspiring me today.

The past few weeks, I have considered not writing on this blog anymore. After all, I need to simplify things in my life. Then I thought, "What if? What if someone out there, just one person, needs to hear more of my story? Ah, but what story do I have to tell? I have shared my heart story." So, I prayed some more. After watching that video, finding these love notes, reading an article about her passing, and praying again about what I can do to bring light and love to the Heart Warriors, I knew what I had to do. I had to commit to something- BIG- and follow through. I had to tell people- publicly- about it so I can be held accountable. And now, the commitment is made and I am going to do it- I am going to run a marathon!

Please note: I am NOT doing this to bring any form of glory to myself. I am doing this because I want to honor Cheryl Nelson who inspired me to do something great in my life. I am doing this because I want to do what those Heart Warriors- the Jace's, the Baylee's, the Christina's- may never be able to do for themselves. Mostly, I am doing this to do this to bring honor to God. He did heal me, after all. So let's do something to celebrate!

Join with me on my journey as I began getting in shape so I can start training. Today, I took my first 20 minute walk since my heart procedure this summer. That is 20 minutes more than I could walk two months ago! Yes, I know I have a LONG way to go, especially since I am not a runner, but I know with God by my side, and Heart Warriors cheering me on, I will do this!

My name is Jenny McKinney. I might just be crazy because I am going to run a marathon. Oh, and I really, really want some chocolate, but will pass for now. ;)

A Blessed Christmas

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

It has been a long, busy month as our family has moved our belongings down from Idaho and I have spent every waking moment working hard to get our home settled. All of that while preparing for Christmas has made it a busy month for sure. Alas, I have not forgotten about you, my dear friends. I do apologize for neglecting my duties here. Life can go on, but most importantly, today we can bow on bended knee to our Lord and King, and honor Him this Christmas Day.

About three weeks ago, I found myself driving late at night on the freeway. The song "Christmas Shoes" came on the radio. Do you know it? It made me weep- not a wise thing to do when you are driving on dark, icy roads. However, this song has a special place in my.... um.... heart. For those of you who know it, I assume you can make the connection. For those of you not familiar, watch the video and you will understand why. The song, based off a book, was later turned into a movie. It was the first time in a long time I could hear this song and say, "This is no longer about me." My heart aches for the heart parents and patients that will not all have a miracle brought to them this year. My heart rejoices in a God who granted me mine and now I must get to work finding out what I am to do with this miracle.

Without being consciously aware, a few years ago I began collecting movies about a mom with a heart condition which takes her life. I collect them because I love the acting or am touched by the story, but the irony has not left me. When I have needed a good cry, I watch one of these movies. For the last year, I have not been able to watch any of them, until now. Last week, I was able to sit down and watch Christmas Shoes with a whole new outlook. I am not dying. I am going to live and in that, I must rejoice!! 




One last thing I feel I need to share this Christmas morning. (By the way, we opened our gifts before today so I have time to write to you now!) The kindness of others is astounding!! Because of the medical debt from my heart procedure and the cost of us moving this year, our children were going to have a very small, if at all, Christmas. Surprisingly, our month has been bombarded with gifts, piggy banks and love galore to make this an unbelievable Christmas for my children. Our family has been so blessed! Everyday, we have prayed prayers of gratitude for you, our secret Christmas Angels. Time and time again, I had been told that "blessings will come to those who are faithful" and a few weeks ago, I told God "I am ready for those blessings now." Like buckets of rain being poured form the heavens, those blessings have come! It is not about money, or gifts, it is about you seeing us, our Christmas Angels. It is about you loving in a way only Christ could do. You have given in a way Divinely inspired. We are awed. We are humbled. We are grateful. We thank you.

Merry Christmas, my friends. May the God of Love and Light reign in your life this day and always. May you feel His presence near as you reach out to others. May you have a blessed Christmas Day.

My name is Jenny McKinney and I am wishing you a very Merry and Beloved Christmas.

Undeniably Blessed

Do not try to convince me otherwise..... I KNOW without a doubt that I am blessed. Three months ago today, I wrote about getting ready to head into surgery. Two days later, I wrote the first part of my heart miracle. Today, I sit here in awe as I realize it was three months ago today that I received my miracle. Three months! How is it that three months ago, I was dying and today, I live?

I have been recapping the events leading up to that day in the hospital where my miracle was granted. What the world could not see was that day after day, I was laying on the couch at my folks house, unable to do anything but rest for hours on end. I would fix meals, if I had a bit of energy, but I usually required a LOT of assistance from my children or husband in order to do so. I remember more than once where my mom came in from work, took one look at me laying there, and her eyes began to swell with tears.
     "What's wrong, Mom?" I would ask her.
     "You are just so.... sick," she would sadly reply.

I supposed I never really saw it, until then. I really was sick. It seemed that once I got the diagnosis back in June, after more than a dozen years of doctors running tests, my body decided it was ok to be sick. It was ok to be in pain, to faint, to have such severe fatigue, I could hardly function most days. That diagnosis validated everything I thought I had been imagining all those years that I pushed through the pain. My heart was enlarged. My circuits were going crazy. My heart was working way too hard to function properly. That diagnosis was permission to rest, because if I did not rest, then I would die.

It had been my life for more than 5 years, I told her. This was "normal" for me. She has been at my father's side for many years with his failing heart. She knows the signs. I was dying. It was hard for some to see, because I would still go to church or other activities. What they did not see is that when I got home, I would collapse for hours afterwards. Sure, I would go grocery shopping for 30 minutes, then I would spend the next three hours recovering from that outing. For the most part, my life came to a halt. My bedtime went from 10pm, to 9 pm, and eventually worked its way down to 6 pm. Often, I would make sure someone was overseeing dinner, climb into my pajamas (if I got out of them that day) then go to bed, falling asleep long before my children dreamed with the angels. I was not allowed to go do anything strenuous, and even walking was only if someone was with me. Once I had my diagnosis, once we were in a place where I had help with my children, it was as if my mind gave permission to my body to really start feeling what was happening. My heart was failing me. It would take a major surgery to keep me alive. Without that surgery, tt would take a miracle to survive at all.

Three months ago, you fasted and prayed for me. Three months ago, the Spirit guided the hands of my heart surgeon. Three months ago, the problem was found, then corrected. Three months ago, the doctors tested my heart to go into cardiac arrest and it did not respond to the drugs- a great sign! Three months ago, I was told (although I have no recollection because I was so drugged up) that my heart was fixed, that I would never have to get the life saving device and that, with time and healing, I would be fine.

How am I able to be simply mortal, yet have this Divine understanding?
God uses us to fulfill His purposes. He has granted me the life I need to share my story, so that I can bring glory to Him. (It is taking all the control I have to not weep while I write this.) I know He is mindful of each of us. I know that my life has been spared for a purpose. He loves me. I am His greatest creation! He loves you. You are His greatest creation!

I do not need to know about the intricacies of how my heart works, because that is what the specialists are for. I just need to know I had a condition that was life-threatening and God, in all of His Glory, guided my team of doctors to correcting the electrical storm that was raging. The storm has been stilled. I am still tired. I am still healing, but I am ALIVE!! 

 My name is Jenny McKinney. I am so blessed. Want some chocolate? 

(Picture is "Peace, Be Still" by Simon Dewey.)

The Facebook Purge (Healing- PART III)

Facebook... ah, the word alone brings up bittersweet thoughts. On one hand, it is so great to know that we can make contact with people all over the world in an instant. On the other hand, it can be a place of damaging drama and addiction.

During an especially dark few days this past month, I wondered about the 889 "friends" I had on my social media page. How many of them had I actually had any form of contact with over the past year? Probably about half. Perhaps a third. Out of those 300-400 or so, how many of them have made an effort to seek me out? To make comments on my status updates, to email me personally? To show somehow that they cared about me? Maybe about 200. So "Why," I asked myself, "do I have that many people on my friends list?" Then, I started categorizing who they were and the reasons I kept them on there.

- Family. They are family, so I am obligated to keep them on my friend's list, right? Even though they have not been on Facebook in the five years I have been friends with them on there; even though we never, ever have had any form of personal communication in years, whether or not through the site; even though in "real life" we have rarely spoken to each other or have even met, for that matter, I am obligated to keep them on there, right?
- Church Acquaintances. We go/went to church together. Even though we have never had any contact at church, or on Facebook; even though they had greatly mistreated me and I am still working on forgiving them; even though I have only heard of their name in the church world, I am obligated to keep them on there, right?
- High School Friends. We went to school together 20+ years ago (am I really old enough to say that?) and we never talked then, so of course we should be Facebook friends now, right?
- Music Fans. Some people heard my music online or at a performance, then sent me a friend request. If they are fans, then they might need to hear the positive messages I strive to share on a regular basis. Maybe they are in the dark and that message is bringing them hope for that day, so I am obligated to keep them on there, right?
- Strangers or Friends of Friends. Yes, there were people on my friends list that I have no idea who they are. Some we lived in the same city so they sent a request. Others saw me comment on a mutual friend's page, so they sent me a request.

So there they were... a bunch of people I did not know or never had any contact with. I knew many of them would not care of I unfriended them, because we never had any contact. So, without much hesitation, I began the Spring Cleaning process. Deep down, I knew that as a public figure of sorts, I may be damaging my fan base, but in that moment, it was about survival and finding my way out of the dark. It was about ridding my life of anything extra, including nameless and faceless people that were just.... there. I began unfriending, then what began as therapeutic turned into unhealthy thoughts.

I began rationalizing the why of what I was doing. I am going to delete her because she only pretends to like me. I know she really doesn't. If she liked me, then she would have made an attempt to talk to me in the past few months. (I never stopped to consider what she might be dealing with in her own life.) Or how about, Sure, they are related, but are they really family? I mean, if they cared, they would have asked about my recovery. They would have expressed some concern about my heart during all of this testing and procedures I had done. They never asked, so they must not care. The most common thought I felt myself having as I was doing my Facebook Purge was that of If I unfriend Person A but keep Person B, then Person A will surely notice and dislike me even more than they already do. They will judge me for keeping Person B and not them. There were also thoughts such as, So what if I am in the public eye? Does that mean it is my responsibility to keep all these so-called "friends" because one of my messages I share might save them that day? Well, yes, Jenny McKinney, actually that responsibility does come with the territory.

Truth be told, even with 889 Facebook friends, and many of them being "real life" friends, I felt very alone. During that struggle of loneliness, I began rejecting people in my life because I felt they did not care. In many ways, I was walking a path of self-created darkness so I did what I knew how to do: I purged my life of what I thought was causing some the darkness..... people who did not care... or did they? When I found out my beloved friend had cancer, I shut her out. I could not deal with it. Oh, I cared alright, cared to the point of grieving so deeply that I did not make contact with her while she struggled through her horrible treatments. I prayed for her continually, and loved her from afar, but I never sent a note, never called, never let her know how much I was cheering for her. My heart ached on her behalf and I knew that if I tried to contact her, I would be a mess and have nothing to offer her. So, I prayed that angels would attend her and somehow she would feel of my love from afar. When her treatments were coming to an end and I finally contacted her, I was so sorrowful that I had not been a better friend. She instantly forgave me and lifted my spirits, because that's the kind of friend she is.

Maybe some of those friends and family who became invisible in my life were doing as I did with Kami... loving me from afar. Praying for me. Cheering me on as they read my blog, or learned of what I was dealing with. I am grateful for that. Truly. Though this process, though, I have learned that one really does recover quicker when they know they are loved.

Now, I recognize some of these thoughts as being unhealthy, but when you are in that darkness, it binds you. Once those unhealthy thoughts find their launching point, they can quickly snowball out of control. Many times, it takes hitting rock bottom before something begins to change. For me, the change began when I find out one of my children was suffering from their own deep, scarring darkness and needed me to love them through it. My behavior was not going to help. I had to change it so I could be their for them. It has taken some serious self-reflection, hours of prayer, scripture study, temple attendance, and getting into the habit (of which I am still developing) of taking a nutritional product (that I took years ago and saw excellent results, but stopped taking for the past several years) to start seeing results. I also spent a lot of time talking through things with my husband and my bishop (pastor) before I began to feel the changes taking place. I finally reached out to you and asked for prayers on my behalf. Then, as I recently shared, the darkness began to lift. All these things came together for my own good. For that, I am truly grateful.

I am doing better. Honestly. I know much of that improvement comes as a result of prayers on my behalf, for which I am humbly grateful. I know there may be days of darkness ahead, but I now know I do not walk alone. I pray that those who have been hurt by my choices will be quick to forgive. I did not set out to hurt anyone. I was just trying to survive. If you want to make contact again, please send me a friend request. My heart is healing and ready to love again.

We are all beloved children of God. He uses us to accomplish His great works. We need to be there for each other, and not be afraid to love one another through the darkness. It is only when the Light breaks through that we can be whole again.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am healing and... I think I will go have some chocolate... hot chocolate.

A Prayer for You.....

I see so many friends needing something I cannot give them- healing, miracles, peace- the list goes on and on. The one thing I can do is pray for them. Here is my prayer.

"How can I lift my aching heart?" I pray for answers dear
How can I feel something else to lift my worry and my fear
Then I am reminded to go and serve when I feel this way
I recall that prayer absorbs much of life's cruel pain

I see you in your time of need, much greater than my own
Have I forgotten what it's like to walk that path alone
I find I cannot yet do things like I did before
But I must help those in need, so I kneel upon the floor

I bow my head and close my eyes and offer up a prayer
To Father God, who listens close in triumph or despair
And I ask Him to lift your heart and ease your burdens now
So you may have peace you need in this moment, somehow

He gently then commands His angels to wrap you up in peace
So you may rest, so you may sleep, find comfort in your need
And with love, our Father then holds you in His hands
So you may feel secure and know the pain will someday end

Then tonight as slumber flows into the place of dreams
It is filled with a calm that comforts you and me
For when one soul is aching and needing to be still
It is a prayer of love that's said to show His love is real

 - Jenny McKinney
listen to the reading

Balancing Act

Raise your hand if you love the circus? (Yes, the one in the "Annabelle" episode of Little House counts. I loved how Laura made Manly's date run out. Ha!) I remember as a child going to a little local circus- probably like that of the "Gambini the Great" episode of Little House. (Why yes, I AM on a Little House kick right now. Thanks for asking.) It is not so much the clowns or elephants that come to mind when I think of the circus. It is that of the tight rope walker, especially when they are balancing something on a pole, head, or arms. A balancing act- isn't that what so many of us do from day to day? Balancing families, work, friends, social media (Admit it, you have to balance that too!) hobbies, etc.

When I was finally diagnosed, I became aware that I would have to balance out my day to day emotions with my heart condition. Because we were not expecting my heart to be permanently fixed, what I was not planning on was balancing my emotional state after my procedure. I know that I am still in healing mode after a 17 year (or more) battle with my heart. I understand that. What I cannot figure out is why my emotions are so fragile. Shouldn't I just be joyously jumping up and down day to day because I am going to live? I shared this with someone the other day: I am more uncertain about myself now than before my procedure. I knew what was in my future back then. Now, I do not know, thus, part of my emotional struggle.

For as long as I can remember, my life has been guided by God, almost to the point of hand holding. Now, it's as if He is saying, "Go the direction you want. You have earned that!"
    "But God," I reply, "What direction?"
    "Any direction!" He urges.
    "So are you saying I don't need You to tell me where I should be now? You are not going to guide me anymore?"
     "No, Child. I am simply saying that whatever path you choose, be it for good, I will always be right with you. However, it is your path to take now. You can take the steps on your own now. I will catch you when you fall, but I am letting you go. Time to walk, run and dance on your own."

Like any good parent, He is letting go and allowing me to soar. Like any human, I am an emotional wreck over it. I feel confused, sad, joyful, excited. I am angry one day and totally happy the next. It is a part of healing, I am sure. I am having to rediscover myself, reinvent who I desire to be. Like a tight rope walker, I am striving to balance my emotions- not on top of my head, not flipping around on a pole, but inside my heart. One thing is for sure. My heart is physically healed. Now, I just need to get it emotionally strong, unlike it has ever been before.

(This is a picture of my healed heart, drawn by my 6-year-old daughter)

I know one day, I will be able to permanently balance my emotions that come with a working heart. For now, I am happy to just be adjusting one day at a time.

My name is Jenny McKinney. My healthy heart is a balancing act and I really could use some chocolate.