Living for the Future

Note: The following is a sacred experience that is precious to me, but I feel prompted to share this day. Please do not comment anything negative or mocking to my personal beliefs.

It has been quite a journey- finding my place after my heart was mended. More than I ever imagined, I have struggled in ways I was not prepared for. Yesterday brought a sweet experience to this hurting soul. In my religion, we believe in the laying on of hands, as Christ did in the Bible. It was a few months ago that my bishop (the minister of our local congregation) used this ordinance to relay a beautiful message and blessing from my Heavenly Father. I felt so much peace and knew that my life had been spared for a purpose. Yet, I still struggled. My faith was not great enough to fully accept those promises in that moment. I still battled this unseen force that seem to want me to be lost in a world of darkness. Yesterday, that changed.

I attended an ordinance session at our area temple seeking peace as my beloved aunt was preparing to pass away to the heavens, and searching for that strength that I knew I had somewhere inside. After having a beautiful experience involving my aunt's passing, I was then given a breath of renewed hope and strength for my own mortal journey. I did not realize how much the darkness had been plaguing me until I stepped into that sacred House of God and left the cares of the world behind. It was there that this message of love was shared- and finally accepted. In one moment, I felt the Spirit whisper to me, "Your life has been spared for a reason. Stop being afraid to live!"

So long had I been planning to leave this life that for all these months post-op I have been afraid to live again. No more! From this moment on, the darkness will no longer take hold of me! I will embrace life! I will seize the day! I will look for opportunities to teach others about CHD's, to share my gifts of music and service and most of all, to love my family and make memories with them as often as I can! THIS is the life I have been given to live! THIS is the time I have been given to live it!  THIS is the day the Lord has made and I will rejoice in this day and be glad of it! (See Psalm 118:24)

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am grateful my life that I shall live and... I really do not want any
chocolate this morning. (I had some last night, though!) :)

That Weird Thing Again....

Dear God: 

I have not posted on here in quite some time. There is a reason for that... my heart is healthy!

Sometimes, I feel my heart doing that "weird thing again," as I tell DH. When he asks what it's doing, I smile and say, "Beating normally." It is still so foreign to me because for years all I could feel was the skipped heart beats, the palpitations, the A-Fib moments. Now, I do not pay attention because it is beating so strong and healthy! Once in a while, in a quiet moment, I really feel that healthy beat and once again, I am in awe of a God who lead the doctors to mending my broken heart. 

In a few days, I will reach my 9-month heart healthy anniversary. Three months from now, I will be hitting my year mark. I never thought I would go a whole year where I would not worry about collapsing, being out of breath just from sitting up, having a heart attack..... dying. Truth be told, I still do worry sometimes. What if this is not as real as I think it is? What if the doctors missed something? What if I relapse? 

Then, I remember that on August 12, 2013, God granted me a miracle. A real miracle!! I had people all over the world fasting and praying for me, for my heart to be whole, and He gave me that!! What does that say about my faith if I doubt? My heart is not just mended, it is WHOLE!!! For that, I am grateful and will celebrate my life everyday! 

Everyday, I am working on taking a few moments to listen to my heartbeat, for when I hear it beating strongly, I know that God is real. 

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am strong, I am whole. No chocolate is necessary to know that!

The Road to.... Regret??

"Regret" has a question mark next to it because I am not yet sure if that is exactly how I am feeling. Maybe it is more of a let down. When I share this with you, for those of you whom I talk to on a regular basis, please do not dish out the "I-told-you-so" comments. I already have realized my choices were not the best. Now I have to decide what to do about them.

It has been exactly seven months and three days since I was wheeled into the heart lab for my surgery. Seven months later, I am rather... surprised with how I feel. Let me give you a little back story so you will understand.

I am a thinker, a dreamer, but mostly a doer. I am one that if I see something that needs to be done, I will just jump in and do it. This is great, but sometimes can be one's downfall. One year ago, I was in the middle of my musical production that I wrote and directed. Truth: Although my health was very poor then, many days I felt better then than I do now. (Grammatical friends, please tell me I used those two homophones correctly! I really concentrated in writing them!) ;)

Here is the thing: Three months ago, when Dr. B said my heart was 100% good to go and I could now do anything I want, I really thought that meant I could do anything. He reminded me it could take a good year before my energy was restored to its full capacity. I have taken time to rest, I really have. I have more energy than I have had in years. I have been careful, especially when exercising, to listen to my heart. I have taken days off at a time from workouts and running because I could not shake the fatigue that has been hanging onto me since August 12 or the pain that I sometimes still have. I have been increasing my energy shakes and resting as needed. I have been eating a lot better (although I still eat chocolate). Since the time change, I am not sleeping as long at night, but even before that, I felt a little funky. Am I doing a lot? Well, sure! I am a wife, mother, a homeschool teacher, and music composer! I do not sit around all day watching tv, because I have laundry to switch and a closet to organize and a song to write. I cannot just stop living because I am a bit tired. So, I go until I feel like I need to stop, and usually, I do.

Here is the struggle: I really, truly thought that when I was told my heart is fine and I could just... go, I was supposed to hit 100% right then! I know it might sound silly, but my reasoning was, "My heart is fine. I have been sick for a long time and now I am better. When I tell people my heart is now fine, they will probably expect me to behave full of life and energy, not be tired still. If I tell my kids my heart ok and they see me still resting a lot or not be on my feet all the time, they are going to worry that something is still wrong. So, I just need to jump in with both feet. I need to be at 100% capacity right now, because.... my heart is fine."

Now... the part that makes me want to cry:
I. Was. Wrong.

Oh, I do not cry because I was wrong, but because I worry about letting down others. How can it be 7 months later and I feel like I need to rest more now than just after the surgery? How can it be 7 months later and I am having chest pains again, albeit not nearly as bad as before I was in the heart surgeon's hands? How can I go back and reverse the decisions I have made? Am I going to let people down? I hate being a disappointment to others. It is not in my nature. The hardest part... I do not think that I can do this marathon..... YET. I really hope this does not let down those heart families I am representing. I would never want to disappoint them.

Now, I AM going to run a marathon. I have followed the training schedule and I know that I can do it by fall as a runner, but not as a heart patient. I am not going to be ready by fall because.... here is the truth I am finally admitting to myself... I am still healing! Yes, yes, I know that many of you have been telling me that. I get it. I know you were right but so was I. I was right to try to do what I could for the stability of my family and for my sanity. Now, though, my truth is that.... it is too soon. It is just too soon. I have done my very best and I am working towards that ultimate goal, but I have to do it when my heart tells me it's ok to push myself. I will still run for those kiddos that cannot do it themselves. I am going to protect my heart and for once, put myself first, and push off the marathon date. The thought of letting anyone down makes me want to weep, but if I am to be true to myself, and honor the body God gave me, I cannot push anymore. For the first time, probably ever, I am going to slow down, because... I need to.

This decision has been SO hard to make. If I want my heart to stay healthy and strong, I know that this is what I have to do... I have to detour a bit is all. I have chosen to honor myself, and in that, honor the God that created me. This is the only body I have, so I will do all I can to help it function the way He intends for it to... well.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I will live with faith, not regret and... I really want some chocolate.

Getting My Heart Craft On

I am super, duper excited! I have been working hard to get all my crafting items organized and I am pretty much there. As soon as I can find my scissors (which I have been looking for in the endless realm of storage room boxes) I can begin sewing and crafting! The thing I am most excited about is that I will be making heart crafts to share with my heart family! We will be using them as gifts for the doctors, nurses, and all those supporting our heart families. :) Crafting and serving- two of my favorite things combined! I cannot wait to get started! For some ideas of what I will be making, check out my Love Day Pinterest page!

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am a craftaholic and... I just ate chocolate cookies. (Gluten free!)

The Significance of 132

132... and ordinary number.... usually. Not to me. Not anymore.

Back on August 11th, the day before I was scheduled for my heart surgery to get the ICD for my ARVD (there are a LOT of initials in the heart world), I awoke from a dead sleep to a rate of 110 bpm. Dr. B had told me that if my heart rate got to 120, I would go into Sudden Cardiac Death. Waking up to that heart rate was a little.... terrifying. Of course, we know how this all turned out and I am here.

Why 132? What is so significant about that number? As I have been working towards my goal of marathon training I have had to learn to walk for long periods of time, then slowly add in jogging, so not to push my heart too hard. Yes, I have been given the "all-clear" to do what I want, but one thing I was told is to listen to my body. I still do not have all my strength back, although it has been just over 6 months. "It could take a year," is what Dr. B told me. Each time I go out to run (it really is jogging but apparently that counts as running) I listen to my heart and if she tells me I can run a little further, I do. On Tuesday this week, I reached a new milestone of TWO miles! Of course I walked part of that, but I am now up to two miles! At the end of that run, my heart rate was.... can you guess?..... 132 bpm!! Guess what? I felt GREAT! I may have been out of breath, jello legged, and walking by the end, but I was ALIVE!

Little by little everyday, I am finding more strength. I still have to rest sometimes and that is OK! The important thing is I keep trying... I keep working towards my goal. I hit a new milestone on the scale today. Positive changes are happening! Great things are happening! I can do this, because God makes the impossible.... possible!

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am ALIVE and I really don't want chocolate today.... not yet. ;)

love takes hold

heavy heart
lonely soul
wanting to
take control

healthy now
at least in heart
darkness lingers
will not depart

hard to know
how to fight
one might think
this is not right

my heart is strong
for the first time
yet mind is sullen
darkness abides

fighting hard
to find my place
in a world
with tempting ways

they cannot see
the tears i cry
the loneliness
i feel inside

surround myself
with people of joy
my little girl
my grown-up boys

love takes hold
God enters in
he has made me
whole again

i play a song
my heart sings
my heart now can
do anything

-Jenny McKinney

Happy Val...uh..... Heart Hero Week!!

For many in this country, Valentine's Day is overrated. I am not saying that because I was jilted by a lover (I watched "Wives and Daughters" this week. The word "jilted" is fresh on my mind). Nor do I say that because I am struggling with being alone. In fact, I am very blessed to have an eternal companion of 17+ years. As some struggle with not getting chocolate's or flowers (because that is the only true gifts this day, right? >eye roll<) I like to look at this holiday a bit differently. Today, as we say at our house, is "Love Day"- a day to show love- in all forms... to all people. This day is especially meaningful to those in the heart community, because this is the day we really celebrate our Heart Warriors.

I realize I have not posted everyday this CHD Week like I planned. Sometimes, life gets the best of me and I get a little pouty while I struggle. It is the stories of the Heart Heroes that has pulled me through it, though. Today, I am going to share the stories of a few Heart Warriors that I know will touch your... well, heart!

Meet Emily. She was born with Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome. This means, Emily has half a heart. How do parents of such a Heart Warrior cope with this life-changing news? Please read Emily's Story and come to understand true courage. Emily is my heart hero.

Meet Capri. She was born with Ebstein's Anomaly. I do not even know what to say about this Heart Warrior except, please have a box of tissue ready as you read her story. Start at the very beginning so you may walk in her mother's shoes, if only for a moment. She is my Heart Hero. Capri's Story

Meet Jaxton. Born with Hypoplastic Right Heart Syndrome, Double Inlet Left Ventricle, and Pulmonary Atresia. Like all Heart Warrior stories, I cannot read them without a tissue in hand. This one is no exception. I love Jaxton's smile. He is my Heart Hero.

In reading these stories, perhaps you may realize that although today was founded upon a man who was executed, then turned commercial (like every other holiday), it can be something special and dare I say.... sacred... as we celebrate loving our Heart Hero Warriors.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I love my Heart Heroes. Now, where's my box of chocolates?

The remainder of my heart scar on my neck and
me with my new hair cut.

Oh and Happy Heart Day to me... 6 months and two days since my heart miracle.