A few weeks ago, I finally made a very public admission: I have been struggling. I truly had no idea that I would receive such an outpouring of love. I very much felt near tangible prayers and love begin to pull me out of that dark place. There were notes of love, emails, phone calls- you name it! While I absolutely am grateful for all of those thoughts on my behalf, there are a few comments that especially struck me deeply that I want to share. Positive thoughts truly are a huge part of my healing process, both physically and emotionally.
From my friend, Erin, whom I met through a facebook group, but she became a heart sister very quickly:
I love you, Jenny! I know you know Heavenly Father loves you. But you have had to be strong through some heavy stuff for a long time. I hope you know you don't need to be "stronger" - you just need support and friendship. You need safe, trusted, loving friends to rally around you over time. I pray for you that you receive that! It will do more than medicine. I hope my words that follow offer some understanding to those in your social circle locally and touch some hearts in your behalf.
After my peripartum cardiomyopathy (PPCM) (pregnancy-related heart failure), even after my heart was no longer enlarged, no longer in chronic heart failure, and the left ventrical function returned to normal, and so on, it took a long, long time for the rest of my body to catch up and heal. Even now, 7 years after diagnosis, my heart is deconditioned. It will take some vigorous exercise and consistency over time to get it stronger and reduce my high heart rate.
Well-meaning people caught up in the busy-ness of their lives don't understand that when your heart takes a hit - your whole body takes a hit. What's more, our emotions are impacted - our bodies, spirits, and emotions are intricately intertwined. That doesn't recover overnight just because the heart start beating normally again. Also, we have endured trauma - and that certainly takes time and sometimes other work or help to recover from.
You're just beginning the path of your recovery, my friend. I've been an admin for a support group for several years for women with PPCM, and I can tell you that your feelings and needs are normal and understandable. I hope you receive the listening ear, the help and support you need. Love you, Jenny. So glad you're reaching out.
From my dear friend, Sandi, who has known me my whole life, and knows me better than most. She is my soul sister in every way.
You are no longer the girl with the mysterious heart issue. Your identity was wrapped up in that label for so long that you are now struggling with moving forward without that label that you hated but at the same time became a part of you. You will find yourself again. There is beauty all around you. You were afraid of experiencing true joy because you were afraid of losing it. Feel joy. See the beauty now with hope, not fear. I love you.
That love has stayed with me. Your love has stayed with me. I feel my heart getting better. My energy is returning, albeit slower than I would like. And the darkness? While I am sure I will still have bouts of it here and there throughout my life, for now, the darkness I have been experiencing for weeks is simply.... gone!
Love has lifted me to a higher place
God has granted me this love through His grace
It has taken my soul to a place I now know
Your love has helped me be whole
Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your love.
My name is Jenny McKinney. I am healing and.... I already had chocolate. (It was frosting on a donut!)
Go to: Healing- Part II
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