During an especially dark few days this past month, I wondered about the 889 "friends" I had on my social media page. How many of them had I actually had any form of contact with over the past year? Probably about half. Perhaps a third. Out of those 300-400 or so, how many of them have made an effort to seek me out? To make comments on my status updates, to email me personally? To show somehow that they cared about me? Maybe about 200. So "Why," I asked myself, "do I have that many people on my friends list?" Then, I started categorizing who they were and the reasons I kept them on there.
- Family. They are family, so I am obligated to keep them on my friend's list, right? Even though they have not been on Facebook in the five years I have been friends with them on there; even though we never, ever have had any form of personal communication in years, whether or not through the site; even though in "real life" we have rarely spoken to each other or have even met, for that matter, I am obligated to keep them on there, right?
- Church Acquaintances. We go/went to church together. Even though we have never had any contact at church, or on Facebook; even though they had greatly mistreated me and I am still working on forgiving them; even though I have only heard of their name in the church world, I am obligated to keep them on there, right?
- High School Friends. We went to school together 20+ years ago (am I really old enough to say that?) and we never talked then, so of course we should be Facebook friends now, right?
- Music Fans. Some people heard my music online or at a performance, then sent me a friend request. If they are fans, then they might need to hear the positive messages I strive to share on a regular basis. Maybe they are in the dark and that message is bringing them hope for that day, so I am obligated to keep them on there, right?
- Strangers or Friends of Friends. Yes, there were people on my friends list that I have no idea who they are. Some we lived in the same city so they sent a request. Others saw me comment on a mutual friend's page, so they sent me a request.
So there they were... a bunch of people I did not know or never had any contact with. I knew many of them would not care of I unfriended them, because we never had any contact. So, without much hesitation, I began the Spring Cleaning process. Deep down, I knew that as a public figure of sorts, I may be damaging my fan base, but in that moment, it was about survival and finding my way out of the dark. It was about ridding my life of anything extra, including nameless and faceless people that were just.... there. I began unfriending, then what began as therapeutic turned into unhealthy thoughts.
I began rationalizing the why of what I was doing. I am going to delete her because she only pretends to like me. I know she really doesn't. If she liked me, then she would have made an attempt to talk to me in the past few months. (I never stopped to consider what she might be dealing with in her own life.) Or how about, Sure, they are related, but are they really family? I mean, if they cared, they would have asked about my recovery. They would have expressed some concern about my heart during all of this testing and procedures I had done. They never asked, so they must not care. The most common thought I felt myself having as I was doing my Facebook Purge was that of If I unfriend Person A but keep Person B, then Person A will surely notice and dislike me even more than they already do. They will judge me for keeping Person B and not them. There were also thoughts such as, So what if I am in the public eye? Does that mean it is my responsibility to keep all these so-called "friends" because one of my messages I share might save them that day? Well, yes, Jenny McKinney, actually that responsibility does come with the territory.
Truth be told, even with 889 Facebook friends, and many of them being "real life" friends, I felt very alone. During that struggle of loneliness, I began rejecting people in my life because I felt they did not care. In many ways, I was walking a path of self-created darkness so I did what I knew how to do: I purged my life of what I thought was causing some the darkness..... people who did not care... or did they? When I found out my beloved friend had cancer, I shut her out. I could not deal with it. Oh, I cared alright, cared to the point of grieving so deeply that I did not make contact with her while she struggled through her horrible treatments. I prayed for her continually, and loved her from afar, but I never sent a note, never called, never let her know how much I was cheering for her. My heart ached on her behalf and I knew that if I tried to contact her, I would be a mess and have nothing to offer her. So, I prayed that angels would attend her and somehow she would feel of my love from afar. When her treatments were coming to an end and I finally contacted her, I was so sorrowful that I had not been a better friend. She instantly forgave me and lifted my spirits, because that's the kind of friend she is.
Maybe some of those friends and family who became invisible in my life were doing as I did with Kami... loving me from afar. Praying for me. Cheering me on as they read my blog, or learned of what I was dealing with. I am grateful for that. Truly. Though this process, though, I have learned that one really does recover quicker when they know they are loved.
Now, I recognize some of these thoughts as being unhealthy, but when you are in that darkness, it binds you. Once those unhealthy thoughts find their launching point, they can quickly snowball out of control. Many times, it takes hitting rock bottom before something begins to change. For me, the change began when I find out one of my children was suffering from their own deep, scarring darkness and needed me to love them through it. My behavior was not going to help. I had to change it so I could be their for them. It has taken some serious self-reflection, hours of prayer, scripture study, temple attendance, and getting into the habit (of which I am still developing) of taking a nutritional product (that I took years ago and saw excellent results, but stopped taking for the past several years) to start seeing results. I also spent a lot of time talking through things with my husband and my bishop (pastor) before I began to feel the changes taking place. I finally reached out to you and asked for prayers on my behalf. Then, as I recently shared, the darkness began to lift. All these things came together for my own good. For that, I am truly grateful.
I am doing better. Honestly. I know much of that improvement comes as a result of prayers on my behalf, for which I am humbly grateful. I know there may be days of darkness ahead, but I now know I do not walk alone. I pray that those who have been hurt by my choices will be quick to forgive. I did not set out to hurt anyone. I was just trying to survive. If you want to make contact again, please send me a friend request. My heart is healing and ready to love again.
We are all beloved children of God. He uses us to accomplish His great works. We need to be there for each other, and not be afraid to love one another through the darkness. It is only when the Light breaks through that we can be whole again.
My name is Jenny McKinney. I am healing and... I think I will go have some chocolate... hot chocolate.
No comments:
Post a Comment