Liar, Liar- are Your Pants on Fire?

Are you the kind of person that sees a miracle for what it is or are you one who only believes if it is convenient for you?  I am in the first category.  I have seen too many to deny them, whether they are my own or belong to someone else.

I am writing this post for a few reasons. 
1- I want you to know that I still have very real struggles in my life.
2- So people will realize what happened to me was not a life-fixer, but a life-saver
3- To help you see to not waste your time on the people who create toxicity in your life.  Celebrate life with those who support you, believe you (and the doctors) and believe in you.  It is they that truly matter.

The heart struggles are still very real in that it has only been 10 days since the doctors saved my life.  I am still sore.  I am still bruised.  I am still tired.  Everyday, I get better and better and I know one day, I will be completely whole again.  I look forward to that day.  I look forward to everyday, for that matter. 

You have heard my heart story, but there is more to it.  Without going into great detail, I will say this past week, I was accused of making up my heart condition.  The accusation came from someone I used to be very close to, but due circumstances in our late teens, that tie had to be broken.  We only recently made contact again and have worked on mending our relationship.  Now, I have chosen to severe those ties again.  This is not because I cannot forgive.  It is because I will not stand to be called a liar.  Because I was heart healthy in my youth, it was assumed I always have been.  Obviously this is not true.  ARVD is real.  I had it.  I could show all the medical records and hospital bills from the past 16 years, but really, what good will that do when I am not believed anyway? 


It reminds me of stories in the scriptures when people asked Jesus to prove He was God.  They would take the attitude of, "Prove it to me and I will believe you."  That is not faith, folks.  You might as well say He is a liar.  He knows who He is and if someone chooses to not believe Him, that is their problem and not His.  This is how I feel.  I cannot make everyone believe that I am truthful in my story, but I am.  I have a dozen or more doctors and hundreds of people who have witnessed the heart struggles I've had- the arrhythmia, the dizzy spells, the passing out.  I was told from early on not to have children, or I could die, although the docs did not know exactly why.  Now we do.  Do you want to be the one to convince my children that their mom has faked her illness their whole lives?  I did not think so. 

I speak the truth.  My heart was broken.  Now it is fixed.  What the doctors were able to do (combined with the other two factors- I call it the Triple Threat)  did not fix my life, but it definitely saved it.  I still have financial struggles with my hubby.  I still have a boy with Asperger's and ADHD.  I still have a little girl who desperately wants her own room again.  I still am living with family and not yet in our own home.  I still have bills to pay.  I still have people who do not like me.  I still make mistakes.  But.... my heart does not skip beats all day long.  I no longer pass out.  I am able to drive again.  I am able to exercise again.  My heart can race and I will not die from it. 

Dr. B and his team saved me.  I. Am. Alive. 

It is all right to let go of those who only bring you down.  You are not here to please them.  You are here to reach your divine potential.  So celebrate!  Go out and find a friend that lifts you up and helps you laugh!  Sing while in the shower!  Dance in the rain with your kids!  Fill your life with joy, happiness and light!!  Those who can bring these feelings into your life are the ones you want to continue on with.  Keep smiling and always remember who you are. 

I took several pictures tonight- ones that would prove I actually did get a series of tests ran (again) and as a result of the findings I did end up getting a heart procedure in the hospital.  I wanted to "prove" something in the off chance that the non-believers read this entry.  I have decided, however, that it will do no good.  It is a battle I choose to not fight.  My life is fully blessed with people who love me, enrich my soul and most of all.... who believe me.  For me, that is enough. 

My name is Jenny McKinney.  My pants are not on fire and I really want some chocolate.

I'm Not Gonna Lie....

"I'm not gonna lie...." today was a rough day. The quote comes from one of my dearest friends in the whole world. She always prefaces her statements with that when she wants to get a serious message across. For example: "I'm not gonna lie.... these cookies are really, really good." Or how about, "I'm not gonna lie, I look good today." Or my personal fave: "I'm not gonna lie, I hate being a bum wiper." (She is CNA in nursing school who worked in the ICU.) Haha! Love this woman!

I'm not gonna lie..... yesterday was good. Our family (minus the one kid out of town) went to a parade in our old neighborhood and saw some of our favorite people. We made cookies, I took a nap, then we went to hang out at my brother's house for a BBQ and fireworks. My heart was sustained through the day and all was well, making memories with the family.

I'm not gonna lie..... today was a lot worse. Perhaps yesterday took its toll one me, but my heart was not happy. There was a few stressful hours of insurance crud- to make sure I will have the coverage I need for the upcoming surgeries. When DH and I came home from our errand outing, I was feeling really..... icky. I sat to relax for a bit and thought I was fine. Then, while sitting on the floor playing cards with two of my favorite men, Chest Pain decided to make an appearance. Sensing his loneliness, Dizziness, Fatigue and Lightheadedness decided to join the fun. Next thing I know, I could not hold myself up anymore. Hello Floor! Good thing I was already sitting down!

I'm not gonna lie...... I hate that feeling- know the passing out is coming and not being able to fight it off. I hate knowing that the pain is just the first symptom of things that will happen in the next bit. Not sure what happened after that, except I found myself laying down on our makeshift bed when I woke up. (We are staying with my folks temporarily, so we only have a makeshift mattress on the floor, for which I am grateful.) DH confirmed the passing out. Awesome.

I'm not gonna lie..... I have been laying down the rest of the day. I am so grateful I have such good kids to take care of each other when I am not feeling well. I know this is a very uncertain time for our family- staying with relatives until we find our own place; Mommy being run down and knowing she is getting surgery in a few weeks; missing friends in our old town.

I'm not gonna lie... in spite of the trials, we are really blessed. We do have family that is allowing us to stay put for the time being. We have work to get us back on our feet financially. I am in the care of a really great team of medical professionals who have discovered my problem and know how to treat it. And.... I have a small stash of dark chocolate to get me through the next few days.

Tonight, I have been reflecting on some songs I wrote over the past couple of years. One is a reminder that Gods hands are gentle hands of love. He will heal all, in His time. The other is a reminder to not weep, because I know what His plan is for me. I'm not gonna lie.... in spite of the difficult days like today, I feel comforted. How can I not? "For I am His child and His light shines in me."

My name is Jenny McKinney and I'm not gonna lie.... I really want some chocolate.