Undeniably Blessed

Do not try to convince me otherwise..... I KNOW without a doubt that I am blessed. Three months ago today, I wrote about getting ready to head into surgery. Two days later, I wrote the first part of my heart miracle. Today, I sit here in awe as I realize it was three months ago today that I received my miracle. Three months! How is it that three months ago, I was dying and today, I live?

I have been recapping the events leading up to that day in the hospital where my miracle was granted. What the world could not see was that day after day, I was laying on the couch at my folks house, unable to do anything but rest for hours on end. I would fix meals, if I had a bit of energy, but I usually required a LOT of assistance from my children or husband in order to do so. I remember more than once where my mom came in from work, took one look at me laying there, and her eyes began to swell with tears.
     "What's wrong, Mom?" I would ask her.
     "You are just so.... sick," she would sadly reply.

I supposed I never really saw it, until then. I really was sick. It seemed that once I got the diagnosis back in June, after more than a dozen years of doctors running tests, my body decided it was ok to be sick. It was ok to be in pain, to faint, to have such severe fatigue, I could hardly function most days. That diagnosis validated everything I thought I had been imagining all those years that I pushed through the pain. My heart was enlarged. My circuits were going crazy. My heart was working way too hard to function properly. That diagnosis was permission to rest, because if I did not rest, then I would die.

It had been my life for more than 5 years, I told her. This was "normal" for me. She has been at my father's side for many years with his failing heart. She knows the signs. I was dying. It was hard for some to see, because I would still go to church or other activities. What they did not see is that when I got home, I would collapse for hours afterwards. Sure, I would go grocery shopping for 30 minutes, then I would spend the next three hours recovering from that outing. For the most part, my life came to a halt. My bedtime went from 10pm, to 9 pm, and eventually worked its way down to 6 pm. Often, I would make sure someone was overseeing dinner, climb into my pajamas (if I got out of them that day) then go to bed, falling asleep long before my children dreamed with the angels. I was not allowed to go do anything strenuous, and even walking was only if someone was with me. Once I had my diagnosis, once we were in a place where I had help with my children, it was as if my mind gave permission to my body to really start feeling what was happening. My heart was failing me. It would take a major surgery to keep me alive. Without that surgery, tt would take a miracle to survive at all.

Three months ago, you fasted and prayed for me. Three months ago, the Spirit guided the hands of my heart surgeon. Three months ago, the problem was found, then corrected. Three months ago, the doctors tested my heart to go into cardiac arrest and it did not respond to the drugs- a great sign! Three months ago, I was told (although I have no recollection because I was so drugged up) that my heart was fixed, that I would never have to get the life saving device and that, with time and healing, I would be fine.

How am I able to be simply mortal, yet have this Divine understanding?
God uses us to fulfill His purposes. He has granted me the life I need to share my story, so that I can bring glory to Him. (It is taking all the control I have to not weep while I write this.) I know He is mindful of each of us. I know that my life has been spared for a purpose. He loves me. I am His greatest creation! He loves you. You are His greatest creation!

I do not need to know about the intricacies of how my heart works, because that is what the specialists are for. I just need to know I had a condition that was life-threatening and God, in all of His Glory, guided my team of doctors to correcting the electrical storm that was raging. The storm has been stilled. I am still tired. I am still healing, but I am ALIVE!! 

 My name is Jenny McKinney. I am so blessed. Want some chocolate? 

(Picture is "Peace, Be Still" by Simon Dewey.)

The Miracle of my Heart- Part II

The Procedure Hours
As I was wheeled into the lab (reminder: the OR for the heart and lung unit), they gave me a nice warm blankey to cover myself up as I was transferred onto the operating table.  Ah, so toasty!  Introductions were made all around.  What a nice team they were!  After I told them my daughter's instructions and they said they planned on fixing my heart the best they could, the anesthesiologist said,  "All right, I have just given you some happy juice.  Some people do not like how it makes them feel."  I replied that I didn't either.  I did not even get to count backwards from 10, because I was out so fast.  The next memory I have, I was waking up in recovery- 3 1/2 hours later!

I love when I am entertaining to others and have no recollection of it myself.  My husband, children, and closest friends refer to this behavior as the "after 10 drunkness."  My mother was witness to this behavior, as well as the medical team, as I was coming out of my unconscious state, totally loopy from the drugs that had me knocked out.  "Whooooo are youuuuu??" I asked the nurse.  Apparently Nurse Brandi introduced herself to me 3 times before I finally remembered we had met already.  The same went for the others in the room.  I would ask a question, then doze off.  Ask a question, then doze off, keeping everyone in stitches while doing so.  Some of the other question consisted of, "Where... where am I?" and "What is going on here?"  Ah... I love not remembering.  I even called my hubby and sister to let them know everything went well... and later had to be told I talked to them, because I did not remember.

The Best News EVER
I am sure it was a bit nerve racking for my mom to be the one to take in all the news from Dr. B, since I was a bit.... incoherent.  She was told everything went really well and they did not put in the ICD.  When she asked if I would be coming back later in the week to get it, she was told the best news ever: It looked like I will never need it!!  Say what??  Here is what was explained to me over the next few hours. 

This Never Happens
When the camera was placed in my heart, the med team quickly learned that it is not as enlarged as they thought it was originally.  I was given the medicine to make my heart act up in order to find the circuit(s) causing the problem.  Even if they were to find the circuit and ablate it, my condition was bad enough I needed the ICD to live!  What happened was they immediately were able to find the circuit causing the arrhythmia.  "This never happens," is what the nurse explained to me.  She said usually when they get in there, the heart decides to behave and it takes several tries to find the correct circuit.  This was not the case for me.  They fixed the problem by cauterizing the end of the circuit, ultimately making little scars on my heart in order to create a new electrical flow.  My heart began to beat normally, evenly, for the first time in my entire adult life.  After it was stable, they gave me more meds, trying to cause it to react to negative situation that could occur in the future- arrhythmia, cardiac arrest, etc.  The great news?  My heart kept beating steadily and never responded to the drugs.  The problem was fixed!!  Once it was fixed, it was determined I would never have to have the ICD and the ARVD is simply..... gone!  I do not have it anymore!  (Now what will I blog about?)  I will no longer have the dizzy spells, the fatigue, the passing out!  After more than 16 years, my heart will not fight me everyday.  It also looks as if my children will not inherit the condition after all!!  Say what?  Could that be because in the two short weeks my genes had changed enough that they were no longer convinced this was a genetic mutation?  I do not know (and whether or not you agree) but I believe those products certainly could have had something to do with that conclusion.

So Now What?
In three weeks, I go in for a check up.  As I said before, for the first time in my adult life (I was diagnosed with arrhythmia at age 20. I am now 36) my heart is working properly.  Beep... beep... beep... said the steady beeps on the monitor as I looked at it after the procedure.  At last!  Before I went in, my heart rate could not even stay above 60 bpm.  It was even dropping into the 40's.  After, it was a steady 78 bpm.  Hallelujah!!  I am having to take it really easy for 3-4 days with no lifting more than a jug of milk, only stepping up with my left leg first, walking around for 5-10 min at a time, but mostly staying down or sitting at a angle in which I am not bending at the hip.  In a week, I will be able to start doing normal things again.  What is normal?  Driving (I have not done this for months), taking walks with my kids, sitting and playing a card game from start to finish, without passing out in the middle of it etc.  In 2 months, my heart will be working 100% perfectly, after it has time to adjust to the changes.  I might feel a flutter here and there, but that is because it is adjusting to the new circuit flow and rhythm.

Yesterday morning, my hubby said I already looked healthier.  What a GREAT compliment!  For the first time in my children's lives, their mommy will be healthy and strong.  How can we not rejoice?

I firmly believe that I am to use this experience to help others learn about this life-threatening condition.  Some of the blessings (besides the ones I have already told you about just now) are that I have made new friends along the way and strengthened already existing friendships.  I have seen the smiles on the faces of my loved ones as they have learned that I no longer am at high risk for sudden cardiac death.  I have felt Heaven's blessings pour abundantly on us as we have been loved through this very difficult time in our lives.  My heart is healthy.  My heart beats strong.  How can I deny that this is a Divine outcome?

I had an amazing team of doctors and nurses.  For them, I will be forever grateful.  I went into the surgery lab with my doctor planning on giving me a permanent device to keep me alive.  I came out without one, and my heart was fixed for good. "This never happens, Jenny."  Well, it did and in my book, that is a miracle!

My name is Jenny McKinney.  My heart is miraculous and you bet I really want some chocolate!

 

I'm Not Gonna Lie....

"I'm not gonna lie...." today was a rough day. The quote comes from one of my dearest friends in the whole world. She always prefaces her statements with that when she wants to get a serious message across. For example: "I'm not gonna lie.... these cookies are really, really good." Or how about, "I'm not gonna lie, I look good today." Or my personal fave: "I'm not gonna lie, I hate being a bum wiper." (She is CNA in nursing school who worked in the ICU.) Haha! Love this woman!

I'm not gonna lie..... yesterday was good. Our family (minus the one kid out of town) went to a parade in our old neighborhood and saw some of our favorite people. We made cookies, I took a nap, then we went to hang out at my brother's house for a BBQ and fireworks. My heart was sustained through the day and all was well, making memories with the family.

I'm not gonna lie..... today was a lot worse. Perhaps yesterday took its toll one me, but my heart was not happy. There was a few stressful hours of insurance crud- to make sure I will have the coverage I need for the upcoming surgeries. When DH and I came home from our errand outing, I was feeling really..... icky. I sat to relax for a bit and thought I was fine. Then, while sitting on the floor playing cards with two of my favorite men, Chest Pain decided to make an appearance. Sensing his loneliness, Dizziness, Fatigue and Lightheadedness decided to join the fun. Next thing I know, I could not hold myself up anymore. Hello Floor! Good thing I was already sitting down!

I'm not gonna lie...... I hate that feeling- know the passing out is coming and not being able to fight it off. I hate knowing that the pain is just the first symptom of things that will happen in the next bit. Not sure what happened after that, except I found myself laying down on our makeshift bed when I woke up. (We are staying with my folks temporarily, so we only have a makeshift mattress on the floor, for which I am grateful.) DH confirmed the passing out. Awesome.

I'm not gonna lie..... I have been laying down the rest of the day. I am so grateful I have such good kids to take care of each other when I am not feeling well. I know this is a very uncertain time for our family- staying with relatives until we find our own place; Mommy being run down and knowing she is getting surgery in a few weeks; missing friends in our old town.

I'm not gonna lie... in spite of the trials, we are really blessed. We do have family that is allowing us to stay put for the time being. We have work to get us back on our feet financially. I am in the care of a really great team of medical professionals who have discovered my problem and know how to treat it. And.... I have a small stash of dark chocolate to get me through the next few days.

Tonight, I have been reflecting on some songs I wrote over the past couple of years. One is a reminder that Gods hands are gentle hands of love. He will heal all, in His time. The other is a reminder to not weep, because I know what His plan is for me. I'm not gonna lie.... in spite of the difficult days like today, I feel comforted. How can I not? "For I am His child and His light shines in me."

My name is Jenny McKinney and I'm not gonna lie.... I really want some chocolate.