Things Are Different Now

I am 37 years old and my life has just begun. Many days, I feel I am infantile in my learning process, which is rightly so; this life is all about gaining wisdom and knowledge but it's length is but the blink of an eye in the eternal perspective. I like to think that my 20's were my growing up years and my 30's are my years to gain wisdom. What will my 40's hold?

Things are different now. It has only been in the past few weeks that I have begun to realize how much I have learned since my heart was restored 10 months ago. Last night, as my mother-in-law was visiting from out of state and, along with her mother, we discussed some thoughts on mothering and parenting, I could almost hear what these wonderful ladies were thinking, "Jenny finally gets it! She has finally grown up." I nearly called them out on thinking those things, but decided to just leave it alone. One thing I have noticed since my heart was declared strong and healthy is how much I see things differently now... how much more life means to me.

Things are different now. The struggle of being a healthy mom has been more difficult than I thought it would be. As I have shared here, I have walked a road of feeling lost in who I am. It was almost easy when I was dying, because I knew what I had to get done. Yet... why not do those things still? I want to help my children to their chores. I want to homeschool! I want to teach them right from wrong! Everyday, I look at my children and husband with this deep, abiding love. in awe, I wonder that if I can love them so deeply, how much greater is the love of our Savior and Father in Heaven for these souls. How can a love be greater than that of a mother? If it is the love of our Creators, then it is so.

Things are different now. I still do not have my energy restored to 100% capacity. That will still take some time. What I do have is my ability to love reaching beyond depths I never imagined. What if, when my heart was fixed, God placed in it more love than I could experience before? Perhaps in my physical healing, a spiritual healing took place, one where the Atonement was truly procured by a soul, my soul, that I did not even realize was aching.

Things are different now. All I want to do is love, serve, create. Before, I looked for reasons to be angry, to feed an unhappiness that resulted from poor self-esteem I did not even realize I struggled with. Now, I desire to keep this smile on my face all the time. Do I lose my temper? Yep! Now I am quicker to apologize and ask forgiveness. Do I make mistakes? All the time! Yet, my desire to change and be better comes from opening my heart and receiving the Grace of God rather than "just doing the right thing".

Things are different now. Now I am willing to learn from my mistakes; I am willing to feel the Love and Grace of God; I am willing to allow my heart to love in ways it would not have before. The more I love, the more I serve, the more I count my blessings, the more my heart loves, grows, functions in ways unknown to Man.

Yes, things are different now and for this, I am grateful.

My name is Jenny McKinney. Things are different. I am different .... and I already had chocolate today.

A Letter of Thanks

(Written 6/17/2014)

To my Heavenly Father-
Thank You for the beauty of my life. Today, I was able to bring little children into my home and give them so much love. In return, I received a bosom full of joy. As little children are so tender to You, I rejoice that I was able to see them through Your eyes.

Thank You for the home that we call ours, for however long we are here. It may not be a mansion, but it is our palace, as I work hard to make it as such. I am grateful for the creativity I have been blessed with to make it welcoming for all those who enter here.

Thank You for the food we have on our table. We often eat humble meals, but we have more than most in this world. How can I complain?

Thank you for the love that fills our home each day. Our children are healthy and happy. Our marriage is strong. All these things are because we have done as You ask and center our lived around Your Son, Jesus Christ, and put others first whenever possible. This has brought us joy.

Thank You for the friends that surround us. We may not go to parties each week. We may not be able to take lavish vacations with our neighbors, but we know where we can turn if a need arises. We know in whom we can put our trust.

Thank You for helping us find opportunities to serve. Whether it be at church, in our community, or in our home, our hearts grow each time we give of ourselves freely. In this, we can rejoice.

Most of all, for me, thank You for the gift of my life, in which has been spared. You did not just mend my heart, You healed it. Now, I may continue to live life to the fullest and love to my greatest capacity.

Your loving daughter,
Jenny


(Now.... where can I go find some chocolate?)

Shaky Knees, Strong Heart

Two weeks ago, I had a sudden pain in my left knee- one that would not leave, no matter what I did. Concerned that I pinched a nerve like I had in my other knee years ago, I did my best to rest it. I put a knee brace on, occasionally taking it off to ice it. After a couple of days of this interruption in my life, I finally borrowed a set of crutches. I just could not put pressure directly on it. Should I have gone to a doctor? Maybe. Did I? No. A good friend brought me over some all-natural pain patches. Those I was willing try. As you may know by now, I am not a fan of medication, so the all-natural Class 1 Medical Device patches appealed to me. They brought enough relief that I was able to be off the crutches by the next day and I thought I was good to go. (I am grateful to my family for not making goat noises while I painfully gimped around the house.)

Two days ago, I went for a walk- a little over a mile. Everything was fine. That evening, I pushed things a bit and went for a... gulp... jog. Not my brightest moment, that was for sure. I barely covered half a mile when the pain decided to come back full force. Sigh.

Yesterday, things were feeling rather fine until my dog decided to walk next to me and knock me off balance. When I tried to catch myself from falling, I stepped down hard on my left leg, causing the pain to shoot through my knee like a lightening bolt zaps an evergreen. Thankfully, my hubby caught me before I could totally fall to the ground.

As I have been feeling things out for my future goal of running a marathon, my kind husband pointed out that with my knee struggles (that I have had problems with since my childhood) perhaps I should plan on walking the marathon, instead of running it. I told him pointedly that walking it would take too long. He patiently replied that running it may be putting too much pressure on my knee and I am risking serious damage to it. I wondered how long it would take to walk a marathon.

On Sunday morning, I was studying what members of my Church call "The Lord's Law of Health" or "The Word of Wisdom." Especially since my diagnosis and since my one year "heartiversary" is approaching, I have been particularly interested in strengthening my newly functioning heart. In a sacred blessing I was once given, I was promised that if I live the Lord's Law of Health, my body would function properly and I would be able to overcome the illnesses and sickness that I would experience in this life. This makes me rejoice! With a little time and a little more recovery, I know my heart can withstand the marathon. What about my knees, though? They are rather shaky these days!

I have decided to trust in the blessings of God and move forward with this marathon goal. I am going to research out knee-strengthening exercises and focus on making them strong. Once I do that, I know I can do this! It will not be this year as I originally planned, as I am learning to slow down and proceed with caution, but I will accomplish my goal! I may have shaky knees now, but my heart is strong and like the Lord provided a way for my heart to be healed, so He shall with my knees.

My name is Jenny McKinney. My heart is strong and I really want some chocolate! (It's breakfast time. I wonder if I can find some around here.)

Living for the Future

Note: The following is a sacred experience that is precious to me, but I feel prompted to share this day. Please do not comment anything negative or mocking to my personal beliefs.

It has been quite a journey- finding my place after my heart was mended. More than I ever imagined, I have struggled in ways I was not prepared for. Yesterday brought a sweet experience to this hurting soul. In my religion, we believe in the laying on of hands, as Christ did in the Bible. It was a few months ago that my bishop (the minister of our local congregation) used this ordinance to relay a beautiful message and blessing from my Heavenly Father. I felt so much peace and knew that my life had been spared for a purpose. Yet, I still struggled. My faith was not great enough to fully accept those promises in that moment. I still battled this unseen force that seem to want me to be lost in a world of darkness. Yesterday, that changed.

I attended an ordinance session at our area temple seeking peace as my beloved aunt was preparing to pass away to the heavens, and searching for that strength that I knew I had somewhere inside. After having a beautiful experience involving my aunt's passing, I was then given a breath of renewed hope and strength for my own mortal journey. I did not realize how much the darkness had been plaguing me until I stepped into that sacred House of God and left the cares of the world behind. It was there that this message of love was shared- and finally accepted. In one moment, I felt the Spirit whisper to me, "Your life has been spared for a reason. Stop being afraid to live!"

So long had I been planning to leave this life that for all these months post-op I have been afraid to live again. No more! From this moment on, the darkness will no longer take hold of me! I will embrace life! I will seize the day! I will look for opportunities to teach others about CHD's, to share my gifts of music and service and most of all, to love my family and make memories with them as often as I can! THIS is the life I have been given to live! THIS is the time I have been given to live it!  THIS is the day the Lord has made and I will rejoice in this day and be glad of it! (See Psalm 118:24)

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am grateful my life that I shall live and... I really do not want any
chocolate this morning. (I had some last night, though!) :)

That Weird Thing Again....

Dear God: 

I have not posted on here in quite some time. There is a reason for that... my heart is healthy!

Sometimes, I feel my heart doing that "weird thing again," as I tell DH. When he asks what it's doing, I smile and say, "Beating normally." It is still so foreign to me because for years all I could feel was the skipped heart beats, the palpitations, the A-Fib moments. Now, I do not pay attention because it is beating so strong and healthy! Once in a while, in a quiet moment, I really feel that healthy beat and once again, I am in awe of a God who lead the doctors to mending my broken heart. 

In a few days, I will reach my 9-month heart healthy anniversary. Three months from now, I will be hitting my year mark. I never thought I would go a whole year where I would not worry about collapsing, being out of breath just from sitting up, having a heart attack..... dying. Truth be told, I still do worry sometimes. What if this is not as real as I think it is? What if the doctors missed something? What if I relapse? 

Then, I remember that on August 12, 2013, God granted me a miracle. A real miracle!! I had people all over the world fasting and praying for me, for my heart to be whole, and He gave me that!! What does that say about my faith if I doubt? My heart is not just mended, it is WHOLE!!! For that, I am grateful and will celebrate my life everyday! 

Everyday, I am working on taking a few moments to listen to my heartbeat, for when I hear it beating strongly, I know that God is real. 

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am strong, I am whole. No chocolate is necessary to know that!

The Road to.... Regret??

"Regret" has a question mark next to it because I am not yet sure if that is exactly how I am feeling. Maybe it is more of a let down. When I share this with you, for those of you whom I talk to on a regular basis, please do not dish out the "I-told-you-so" comments. I already have realized my choices were not the best. Now I have to decide what to do about them.

It has been exactly seven months and three days since I was wheeled into the heart lab for my surgery. Seven months later, I am rather... surprised with how I feel. Let me give you a little back story so you will understand.

I am a thinker, a dreamer, but mostly a doer. I am one that if I see something that needs to be done, I will just jump in and do it. This is great, but sometimes can be one's downfall. One year ago, I was in the middle of my musical production that I wrote and directed. Truth: Although my health was very poor then, many days I felt better then than I do now. (Grammatical friends, please tell me I used those two homophones correctly! I really concentrated in writing them!) ;)

Here is the thing: Three months ago, when Dr. B said my heart was 100% good to go and I could now do anything I want, I really thought that meant I could do anything. He reminded me it could take a good year before my energy was restored to its full capacity. I have taken time to rest, I really have. I have more energy than I have had in years. I have been careful, especially when exercising, to listen to my heart. I have taken days off at a time from workouts and running because I could not shake the fatigue that has been hanging onto me since August 12 or the pain that I sometimes still have. I have been increasing my energy shakes and resting as needed. I have been eating a lot better (although I still eat chocolate). Since the time change, I am not sleeping as long at night, but even before that, I felt a little funky. Am I doing a lot? Well, sure! I am a wife, mother, a homeschool teacher, and music composer! I do not sit around all day watching tv, because I have laundry to switch and a closet to organize and a song to write. I cannot just stop living because I am a bit tired. So, I go until I feel like I need to stop, and usually, I do.

Here is the struggle: I really, truly thought that when I was told my heart is fine and I could just... go, I was supposed to hit 100% right then! I know it might sound silly, but my reasoning was, "My heart is fine. I have been sick for a long time and now I am better. When I tell people my heart is now fine, they will probably expect me to behave full of life and energy, not be tired still. If I tell my kids my heart ok and they see me still resting a lot or not be on my feet all the time, they are going to worry that something is still wrong. So, I just need to jump in with both feet. I need to be at 100% capacity right now, because.... my heart is fine."

Now... the part that makes me want to cry:
I. Was. Wrong.

Oh, I do not cry because I was wrong, but because I worry about letting down others. How can it be 7 months later and I feel like I need to rest more now than just after the surgery? How can it be 7 months later and I am having chest pains again, albeit not nearly as bad as before I was in the heart surgeon's hands? How can I go back and reverse the decisions I have made? Am I going to let people down? I hate being a disappointment to others. It is not in my nature. The hardest part... I do not think that I can do this marathon..... YET. I really hope this does not let down those heart families I am representing. I would never want to disappoint them.

Now, I AM going to run a marathon. I have followed the training schedule and I know that I can do it by fall as a runner, but not as a heart patient. I am not going to be ready by fall because.... here is the truth I am finally admitting to myself... I am still healing! Yes, yes, I know that many of you have been telling me that. I get it. I know you were right but so was I. I was right to try to do what I could for the stability of my family and for my sanity. Now, though, my truth is that.... it is too soon. It is just too soon. I have done my very best and I am working towards that ultimate goal, but I have to do it when my heart tells me it's ok to push myself. I will still run for those kiddos that cannot do it themselves. I am going to protect my heart and for once, put myself first, and push off the marathon date. The thought of letting anyone down makes me want to weep, but if I am to be true to myself, and honor the body God gave me, I cannot push anymore. For the first time, probably ever, I am going to slow down, because... I need to.

This decision has been SO hard to make. If I want my heart to stay healthy and strong, I know that this is what I have to do... I have to detour a bit is all. I have chosen to honor myself, and in that, honor the God that created me. This is the only body I have, so I will do all I can to help it function the way He intends for it to... well.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I will live with faith, not regret and... I really want some chocolate.

Getting My Heart Craft On

I am super, duper excited! I have been working hard to get all my crafting items organized and I am pretty much there. As soon as I can find my scissors (which I have been looking for in the endless realm of storage room boxes) I can begin sewing and crafting! The thing I am most excited about is that I will be making heart crafts to share with my heart family! We will be using them as gifts for the doctors, nurses, and all those supporting our heart families. :) Crafting and serving- two of my favorite things combined! I cannot wait to get started! For some ideas of what I will be making, check out my Love Day Pinterest page!

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am a craftaholic and... I just ate chocolate cookies. (Gluten free!)