Heaven's New Angels

Lindsay

I cannot write much today. My heart is deeply grieving and I really do not have any words.

Ryder

It is a sacred place- to be in the heart community. There we fight together, laugh together, grieve together. Today, we are grieving that two more Heart Warriors have been called Home. 

A few days ago, Lindsay joined the angels. Last night, Ryder joined his friend. These previous fighters were just babies, yet they changed countless lives. May God bring comfort to the families of these warrior souls. Lindsay and Ryder, you will forever be loved and always be missed.

 

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am honored to be among the Heart Warriors. There is no need for chocolate this day.

Shake Your Booty

A couple of years ago, I was lying in bed, having a terrible time with my heart. My little girl - then 5 - cuddled with me and wanted to understand what it was doing. Saying a quick prayer that I would know how to answer her without scaring her, her young brain and old soul would grasp things I could not even comprehend yet. Inspired, I walked, ran, danced, my fingers along the blanket and explained, "Sometimes my heart walks; sometimes it runs, sometimes it dances. Sometimes it tries to do all at the same time. Sometimes when it is supposed to be walking it runs, then dances, then walks. Sometimes when it is supposed to run, it walks dances, stops to shake its booty, then walks again, shakes its booty, dances, jumps, flips, shakes its booty, because my heart cannot make up its mind!" By that point we were laughing so hard, tears were coming down our cheeks. It especially lifted me spirits when Princess B got up and pretended to be my heart, acting out what my hand just did. Talk about adorable! How grateful I am that she was able to join our family before my heart prevented me from bringing her into this world.

We had a lot of fun being silly as we talked about all the things my heart was trying to do. This video would have been most helpful to teach her about heart rhythms. It is not meant to offend, but hopefully be a tool and bring a little smile to your face as these doctors use their bodies to explain a few rhythms.

Life is so serious so much of the time. Yet often, in the midst of the trials, there is so much joy to be found, if only we are open to receiving it. I hope the video brings you a little joy.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I used to have a funny heart rhythm. Now I just have funny cravings for chocolate.

Post by Ólína Björg.

5K a-coming!!

I did it!! I FINALLY registered for a 5K!! This may not be the marathon I planned on running this fall, but it sure is a big step towards that ultimate goal. Intermountain Healing Hearts is hosting this run and walk. You should come do it with me! You even get a t-shirt!! YEAH!! I cannot WAIT! Saturday, September 6th... I will be there celebrating my healthy heart. Who's with me?!

My name is Jenny McKinney. My heart is healthy and I am going to CELEBRATE... with chocolate!

To the Vampires Who Cared...

Saturday was a truly monumental day for me. I was a the homeschooling fair that (by default) I was in charge of. One of the committee members arranged to have the American Red Cross come with their bus for a blood drive. As I went to welcome the blood (aka: vampire) crew, I told the woman in charge that I really wanted to donate, but... and I let her know about the heart challenge last year. I expressed that I did not know if I would "pass" the test to donate. She encouraged me to come and see what we could figure out.

I have not been able to donate for over 5 years, because of my heart. In fact, I remember the last time I attempted to. It was at our church building in Nampa, ID. I went through the list of questions and sadly, things were bad enough with my heart that they had to excuse me from giving my blood away- blood that is a rare type and always in need. This time, though, I was determined to pass the test by sure will.

In the evening, I stood at the event microphone and announced the Red Cross needed 2-3 more volunteers to reach their goal for the day. I was going to attend, who was with me? I went back to the vampire bus. (Actually, I am pretty sure it hurt less than an actual vampire bite would.) As I sat and chatted with the gal in charge we not only had a few giggles over some of the questions, but we found out that- I PASSED!! I was able to donate blood! My heart is FINALLY well enough to give this service! Oh, I was thrilled!

After the questions were finished, I went to lie down on the bed, where the needle was (gulp) inserted (not a huge fan of needles) and the blood was taken from me, like a anteater sucking up it's favorite creatures. I was able to donate a full pint in 5 1/2 minutes- better than the average. While I was lying there, squeezing the little stress ball that helps my blood release easier, I had a nice chat with the man who was taking care of me at that point. He is a big, burly, teddy bear of a man. He wears a dark purple stethoscope and recently bought himself a dark purple, metallic Harley!! Who wouldn't when it is your favorite color? I would LOVE to see that bike!!

As the vampires no longer ask what type of blood one has, I offered the information. "O negative with an Rh negative factor," is what I told them. "They are going to LOVE you!" was the response. (From my understanding, my type of blood is the rarest, and it is also universal, so that makes me a prime donor.) We finished up my transfusion.... I mean donation... and I went on my way. Amazingly enough, I was not even dizzy. I was allergic to all the foods they offered, so I just went back to my table at the fair to eat my sun-warmed strawberries. Yum! (Not really.)

The vampires were superb. I shared with them a little of WHY I was SO emotional over donating blood. They were happy I was there, as was I.

A few of us Blood Heroes. I am on the far right.

It was easy, peasy to donate. The hardest part was answering the questions, as some of them made me giggle... a lot! If you are in the kind of health needed to donate, I suggest you do it! You get to be a Blood Hero because the blood you donate will absolutely save a life one day!  To the vampires who cared, thank you. Your caring about my healthy heart made me feel loved.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I can donate blood again... and vampires care enough to have chocolate cookies for you! Chocolate! Yum!!

Still Learning

As I think about growing up in Mesa, Arizona, I recall how I spent my summer days outside. 122 degrees or not, you could find me in the neighborhood swimming pool, climbing trees, or running barefoot through the field, even racing barefoot down the blacktop. Our family struggled financially, but we had a home to live in. We had our set of struggles for sure, but in looking back, I can remember many carefree days. We had no idea my heart would eventually be a ticking time bomb from a CHD that would lie dormant until I was an adult. I sometimes have wondered how much the strep infections I had lead the the weakening of my heart. Curiously, my heart now beats strong, with numerous days ahead- too many to count.

There are days when it is hard for me to believe that I am approaching the one year anniversary of my successful heart surgery. Where has the time gone? I am finally coming out of the struggle I've had of of not knowing which direction to take my life. Although it has taken a long time, I finally understand why God chose to spare me. I have a mission I have not yet completed. I have lives to touch, lessons to learn, others to assist. I cannot yet be as the angels when God still needs me here. The storms still rage around me, but there is peace in knowing where I am going. As long as I put my trust in God, He will guide me with His loving hand. Also, I am getting a bit excited, because I am going to be celebrating my one year heartiversary in a big way! I look forward to the new memories with a happy, healthy heart.

My own experiences are bringing me to people that have changed me life for good, people I would have not met otherwise. I have made some new friends who live just down the sidewalk from me. They have a brand new baby, just a month old. When he went in for his one week check-up, they learned he has a condition called Total Anomalous Pulmonary Venous Return (TAPVR).  He was life-flighted from the doctors office to the Primary Children's Hospital (PCH) where they have one of the best cardiac heart teams in the country, if not the world. There, he had to have emergency open heart surgery (OHS) in order to live. Last night, they had to take their baby back to the hospital last night to admit him for an infection. During that time, I had the blessing of watching their eldest, barely two years old. I was in awe of the faith the parents of these baby boys carry. They have full trust in the doctors and in God that whatever is to come is supposed to be. Some may say they are naive. I say their faith is refreshing!

Late last night, after the parents came to pick up their eldest son, I sat down to research TAPVR. I found this website which is great at helping one learn about the various defects. During my research, I learned that there are 49 Congenital Heart Defects (CHD). FORTY-NINE!!! Do you know that 1 in 100 children are born with a CHD? My defect, ARVD, is classified under Electrophysiology Defects. Although I am no longer struggling with mine, I still read up on it, so I understand it better. This information may be critical in months and years to come.

It is not until now I have publicly shared some information. Until now, I was hoping there is nothing to tell. Yet, I feel compelled to share it, for there may be another mother who is enduring the same emotional turmoil that this mother's heart is feeling. There is a 50/50 chance my children will have my genetic condition. So far, my two eldest have not shown any signs. My third, however, is showing nearly every one. Curiosity strikes my spirit strongly as my husband and I prepare for our youngest son to see the cardiologist. On August 6th, we will take him to see a leading cardiologist at PCH. From there, it will be determined what tests are necessary, if any, to learn of the functions of his heart. As a mother and a CHD survivor, I know, I know there is something not quite right. I see it when he wakes up from a deep sleep and his heart is racing at more than 130 BPM. I see it when he walks down the hall, suddenly becoming super fatigued. I see it when we are out hiking together and I check his heart rate, where it has drastically dropped to the low 60's. Something is not quite right. I was hoping it was years before we would have to face this again, if ever. The time has come much sooner than I anticipated, especially only learning a year ago that one or more of my children may dace the same future as I. I just pray for strength on his behalf that whatever we are facing, he will survive.... that we will survive.

I know it is God's will in whatever is to come. He created B-Man's heart and mind. God knew what He was doing when He wired B-Man's brain in such a way that modern doctors would tell us he has autism. This same Creator also knew what He was doing when He put this exact heart in B-Man's body. It is a perfect heart- perfect for whatever lessons B needs to learn in this life and what God needs us to learn as well. God is perfect in His knowledge, even if we are not. Peace does not evade me, but instead permeates my soul. God is with us, walking this road- no matter where it leads.

My name is Jenny McKinney. I am a heart warrior, and possibly a heart mom. Instead of chocolate, I think I shall return to bed.

Things Are Different Now

I am 37 years old and my life has just begun. Many days, I feel I am infantile in my learning process, which is rightly so; this life is all about gaining wisdom and knowledge but it's length is but the blink of an eye in the eternal perspective. I like to think that my 20's were my growing up years and my 30's are my years to gain wisdom. What will my 40's hold?

Things are different now. It has only been in the past few weeks that I have begun to realize how much I have learned since my heart was restored 10 months ago. Last night, as my mother-in-law was visiting from out of state and, along with her mother, we discussed some thoughts on mothering and parenting, I could almost hear what these wonderful ladies were thinking, "Jenny finally gets it! She has finally grown up." I nearly called them out on thinking those things, but decided to just leave it alone. One thing I have noticed since my heart was declared strong and healthy is how much I see things differently now... how much more life means to me.

Things are different now. The struggle of being a healthy mom has been more difficult than I thought it would be. As I have shared here, I have walked a road of feeling lost in who I am. It was almost easy when I was dying, because I knew what I had to get done. Yet... why not do those things still? I want to help my children to their chores. I want to homeschool! I want to teach them right from wrong! Everyday, I look at my children and husband with this deep, abiding love. in awe, I wonder that if I can love them so deeply, how much greater is the love of our Savior and Father in Heaven for these souls. How can a love be greater than that of a mother? If it is the love of our Creators, then it is so.

Things are different now. I still do not have my energy restored to 100% capacity. That will still take some time. What I do have is my ability to love reaching beyond depths I never imagined. What if, when my heart was fixed, God placed in it more love than I could experience before? Perhaps in my physical healing, a spiritual healing took place, one where the Atonement was truly procured by a soul, my soul, that I did not even realize was aching.

Things are different now. All I want to do is love, serve, create. Before, I looked for reasons to be angry, to feed an unhappiness that resulted from poor self-esteem I did not even realize I struggled with. Now, I desire to keep this smile on my face all the time. Do I lose my temper? Yep! Now I am quicker to apologize and ask forgiveness. Do I make mistakes? All the time! Yet, my desire to change and be better comes from opening my heart and receiving the Grace of God rather than "just doing the right thing".

Things are different now. Now I am willing to learn from my mistakes; I am willing to feel the Love and Grace of God; I am willing to allow my heart to love in ways it would not have before. The more I love, the more I serve, the more I count my blessings, the more my heart loves, grows, functions in ways unknown to Man.

Yes, things are different now and for this, I am grateful.

My name is Jenny McKinney. Things are different. I am different .... and I already had chocolate today.

A Letter of Thanks

(Written 6/17/2014)

To my Heavenly Father-
Thank You for the beauty of my life. Today, I was able to bring little children into my home and give them so much love. In return, I received a bosom full of joy. As little children are so tender to You, I rejoice that I was able to see them through Your eyes.

Thank You for the home that we call ours, for however long we are here. It may not be a mansion, but it is our palace, as I work hard to make it as such. I am grateful for the creativity I have been blessed with to make it welcoming for all those who enter here.

Thank You for the food we have on our table. We often eat humble meals, but we have more than most in this world. How can I complain?

Thank you for the love that fills our home each day. Our children are healthy and happy. Our marriage is strong. All these things are because we have done as You ask and center our lived around Your Son, Jesus Christ, and put others first whenever possible. This has brought us joy.

Thank You for the friends that surround us. We may not go to parties each week. We may not be able to take lavish vacations with our neighbors, but we know where we can turn if a need arises. We know in whom we can put our trust.

Thank You for helping us find opportunities to serve. Whether it be at church, in our community, or in our home, our hearts grow each time we give of ourselves freely. In this, we can rejoice.

Most of all, for me, thank You for the gift of my life, in which has been spared. You did not just mend my heart, You healed it. Now, I may continue to live life to the fullest and love to my greatest capacity.

Your loving daughter,
Jenny


(Now.... where can I go find some chocolate?)