Where am I Going?

Aren't grandmother's the best?  I really love when they see things for what they are and do not hesitate to point them out to you.  Yesterday, I talked to my beloved grandmother.  She is is her late 80's and lives in Arizona, so I do not get to see her more than every other year or so.  I miss my grandmother.  Like so many others, she has been faithfully praying for my recovery.  Today I called her so she could hear from me directly on how I am doing.  She shared, "I just cannot believe you did not have to get the ICD.  It really is a miracle."  We talked about how just two months ago, the doctors told me I could die any time without one and now I will never need one.  Miracle?  Absolutely!  What else would you call it?

Everyday, my family and some of my friends have been kindly reminding me that I need to rest, that it takes time to heal.  Ah- I need to be reminded again and again.  Although mt heart is fixed, it was made very clear it will be a full two months before it is working 100%.  Even now, 5 days later, I am still very bruised both inside and out as well as very tired.  Of course, I am attempting to rest, but of course, I tend to overdo it.  Not intentionally, but man, I actually want to fold clothes!!  I want to make the bed.  I just do not have the strength- yet.  The outside proof positive I have that I am already healing is the bruise on my neck, and my eyes.  Although I have not taken a picture of my eyes, I have been told numerous times this week that my eyes already look better.  The dark circles are disappearing.  I had the dark circles clear back in my teens.  My sister says I was having health struggles as far back as 18 years old when I was rooming with her.  There is much I do not remember from that time in my life, so I take her word for it.  My eyes look better.  Finally! 

The sore that the arrow is pointing to is the point of entry on my (I think jugular) vein where the docs went in with the tools to fix me.  There is another point of entry (but due to personal boundaries, I am not going to take a picture of it).  When I stop to think that through a hole "not much bigger than an IV" is where they sent the tools to correct my condition, I am in awe.  Look how small that is!  I am grateful the bruising is not worse.  This is as bad as it has been thus far.  (I am glad we got this picture today, since we forgot to take the camera to the hospital.)  Now, I need to rest.  I went to the store with my hubby  last night to buy 4 items and it totally wiped out.  I had NO IDEA that I would be this exhausted by the end of the week.  Phew!

In pondering all these changes that have come my way, I have had to reconsider my life a bit.  Last fall, I began planning my life according to the years I had left.  Every movie where the mother's life was jeopardized made me sob.  "That could be me," I would think.  Mind you, I was not trying to be morbid, but I was facing reality.  Until June of this year, I did not know there was a way to stay alive (the ICD) with ARVD, I just knew that my time on Earth was limited.  My husband and I were making plans to be prepared: Where he and the children needed to live, how he would need to remarry, etc.  They are tough, but necessary, conversations when you know you will not be around to live into your late years. 

Now, all of these plans have changed again and I have to retrain my brain.  There are things I can do.  There is time to make memories I did not think I would be able make.  What a relief!  What a blessing!  What a miracle!!

With my life given back to me, I have been pondering, "Now what?  What am I going to do?  Where am I going?  How will I use my life to serve others and serve God?"  I will tell you: I am not going to change a thing!  I am going to keep making memories with my husband and children.  I am going to serve as much as my life allows.  I am going to keep writing songs and sharing them with the world.  I am going to go into the prisons to continue my ministry there.  I am going to love and forgive.  I am going to find joy.  I am going to live life to the fullest so when my time does come to return to my Heavenly Home, I will have no regrets.  I am going to live!

"I don't want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully, tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails.  I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp.  I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor's children.  I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping weed someone's garden.  I want to be there with children's sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder.  I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived."  ~ Marjorie Pay Hinckley

My name is Jenny McKinney and I am going to live!  (Oh, did I mention that I really want some chocolate?)