I'm Not Gonna Lie....

"I'm not gonna lie...." today was a rough day. The quote comes from one of my dearest friends in the whole world. She always prefaces her statements with that when she wants to get a serious message across. For example: "I'm not gonna lie.... these cookies are really, really good." Or how about, "I'm not gonna lie, I look good today." Or my personal fave: "I'm not gonna lie, I hate being a bum wiper." (She is CNA in nursing school who worked in the ICU.) Haha! Love this woman!

I'm not gonna lie..... yesterday was good. Our family (minus the one kid out of town) went to a parade in our old neighborhood and saw some of our favorite people. We made cookies, I took a nap, then we went to hang out at my brother's house for a BBQ and fireworks. My heart was sustained through the day and all was well, making memories with the family.

I'm not gonna lie..... today was a lot worse. Perhaps yesterday took its toll one me, but my heart was not happy. There was a few stressful hours of insurance crud- to make sure I will have the coverage I need for the upcoming surgeries. When DH and I came home from our errand outing, I was feeling really..... icky. I sat to relax for a bit and thought I was fine. Then, while sitting on the floor playing cards with two of my favorite men, Chest Pain decided to make an appearance. Sensing his loneliness, Dizziness, Fatigue and Lightheadedness decided to join the fun. Next thing I know, I could not hold myself up anymore. Hello Floor! Good thing I was already sitting down!

I'm not gonna lie...... I hate that feeling- know the passing out is coming and not being able to fight it off. I hate knowing that the pain is just the first symptom of things that will happen in the next bit. Not sure what happened after that, except I found myself laying down on our makeshift bed when I woke up. (We are staying with my folks temporarily, so we only have a makeshift mattress on the floor, for which I am grateful.) DH confirmed the passing out. Awesome.

I'm not gonna lie..... I have been laying down the rest of the day. I am so grateful I have such good kids to take care of each other when I am not feeling well. I know this is a very uncertain time for our family- staying with relatives until we find our own place; Mommy being run down and knowing she is getting surgery in a few weeks; missing friends in our old town.

I'm not gonna lie... in spite of the trials, we are really blessed. We do have family that is allowing us to stay put for the time being. We have work to get us back on our feet financially. I am in the care of a really great team of medical professionals who have discovered my problem and know how to treat it. And.... I have a small stash of dark chocolate to get me through the next few days.

Tonight, I have been reflecting on some songs I wrote over the past couple of years. One is a reminder that Gods hands are gentle hands of love. He will heal all, in His time. The other is a reminder to not weep, because I know what His plan is for me. I'm not gonna lie.... in spite of the difficult days like today, I feel comforted. How can I not? "For I am His child and His light shines in me."

My name is Jenny McKinney and I'm not gonna lie.... I really want some chocolate.