The Loss of My Sparkle

When I was in high school, I was known as the "social butterfly."  My friend, Ry, said it was because I was like a butterfly flitting from flower to flower, only with people instead.  I miss those days when I was a butterfly.

Last night I watched my children do their sparklers (Sparklers are magical, aren't they?) to celebrate Utah's Pioneer Day.  I come from a long line of pioneer stock, of which I am grateful.  Because of the strength I have inherited through family blood lines, I know I can make it though this journey, as hard as it may seem.  Last night, as I watched, I was a bit saddened that it was all I could do to only watch. I think my sparkle has started to fade.  Actually, I know it has.

As recently as four months ago, I was the fun, energetic mom who danced silly all over the living room with my little girl, who spontaneously started a sock war with my kids, who encouraged family walks.  These days, I struggle as I can barely do a sinkful of dishes without feeling like I am going to faint from fatigue, or pick up the canned fruit off the shelf without feeling like I am going to have a heart attack.  Some days, I feel it is surreal how fast the condition of my heart has decided to decline.  I have an electrical storm going on in it, but that is not the kind of sparkle I miss.  I miss the energy.  I miss the pain free days.  I miss being able to play games for hours on end with my family and not having to lie down after only one round of Uno.  I miss being silly and carefree.  I miss my sparkle.

Everyone needs a sparkle in their life.  Mine is family and music.  I have plenty of those, but the heart troubles tend to damper my spirits of late, so I need to restore my sparkle again.  I am going to pray and ponder and create a plan to get my sparkle back.  I look forward to finding my sparkle again.

My name is Jenny McKinney,  I am off to find my sparkle and I really do not want chocolate, because I had some last night.